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Original poster

Dont know what to think

28 replies

londoneye · 11/04/2010 18:40

Its my Partners Birthday and I know that he feels genuinely down as he tells me its not worth celebrating due to the loss of his mum a few years ago. He announced yesterday that he was going to get away from it all and off to the coast just to chill. I did suggest I come with him for company but said we would just fall out. I've not heard from him despite wishing him a Happy Birthday text earlier. This is making me rather paranoid to be honest. As awful as it sounds My immediate gut feeling is that he is seeing someone else as he wont resond to my calls and texts. I want to give him the space but at the same time I feel terrible about it. Am I being unreasonable here ?

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 11/04/2010 18:47

blimey, you are not being unreasonable.

My gut reaction is this....

He is

a) clinically depressed and needs some treatment.

b) seeing someone else and thinks you were born yesterday

c) is incredibly self-absorbed.

clam · 11/04/2010 18:50

Was he like this ;ast year for his birthday? Or the year before?
Or is this a new thing?

Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 18:52

He is not genuinely like this so i would have to rule out a. He works very hard and although I'm trying to be understanding this is killing me. He text me last night to say he had been asleep and again at 1am to say had been asleep...He tried to call him on both his mobiles and all the time never answered it. He did say we would talk tonight...I just dont know how to be with him..

OP posts:
Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 18:54

I have known him for a while and I do rememember him saying last year that he finds it hard at this time of year...its the lack of communication i cant bear

OP posts:
RedBlueRed · 11/04/2010 18:56

Get yourself down there with a bottle of champagne, a death by chocolate birthday cake and dressed in nothing but a trench and killer heels. Tell him you just wanted to cheer him up.
You will find out one way or another?

mumonthenet · 11/04/2010 19:06

I like cain's idea

In fact it could be a good idea...why exactly do you have to sit around waiting for him to decide when you should talk?

I feel sad for you.

Feel sad for him too if he's missing his mum, but come on, I guess he's an adult? Adults lose their parents eventually - if he's not suffering from depression then why is he making you suffer?

So go on, climb into your basque and suspenders and take control!

Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 19:13

You brought a smile to my face guys ! I'm not sure exactly where it is he has been staying...Guys should I question it...do I respect that he needed time out...why wont this little seed disappear that because he has not answered me i'm worrying that he is meeting up with another woman...my mind is just working overtime .....

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 11/04/2010 19:19

I think you could, at least, expect to know

where he is,

when he will be back,

and to have a response to your texts (unless you're texting every 30 mins that is)

Are you married?

Do you live together?

Do you have children?

NinaJane · 11/04/2010 19:47

I agree with mumonthenet.

What is your dp usually like? Is he broody and moody most of the time? If he is, then I suppose one can understand his need to get through this difficult time, without an audience.

What I don't understand is why he did not tell you where he is going to stay or when he will be back - also why he is not answering his TWO cell phones?

It is NOT unreasonable to expect him to keep in contact with you or to let you know what his plans are - he has already buggered off somewhere, WITHOUT you for gawd knows how long - personally, I find his actions to be very disrespectful of you, regardless of the circumstances he finds himself in - hopefully this will not be the blue-print for the rest of your relationship.

RedBlueRed · 11/04/2010 20:15

I think the lack of communication would drive me mad too, it is disrespectful as mumonthenet says.

Its natural for your mind to be working overtime but unless it is your instinct telling you he is seeing someone else, try not to jump to conclusions.

Put your logical, cool and rational head of for a moment and try to decide what is the most likely explanation.

Is he a bit of a drama queen and is trying to emote a bit by going off to the coast?

RunawayWife · 11/04/2010 20:25

Has something happened to trigger this? (another family death maybe?)

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 11/04/2010 20:27

Do you think he might harm himself?

Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 20:44

He went to his Dad's flat to chill to take his book and just get through today. We're not married we dont live together and we dont have children. He 's not a self harmer..he does get emotional about his mum..but I feel like I have been made to suffer through no communication. I cant say he is a Drama Queen he says that he was asleep so hence the reason for not answering his calls.He is very good at turning arguements back on me so I just dont know how to handle this. I've still not heard anything...I am desperately trying to keep my cool rational head...Ive not bombarded him with texts or calls but what hurts he hasnt responded to my one text of the day to wish him Happy Birthday...I am almost likely to ignore him if he calls tonight let alone give him his card and present !! I feel wretched

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 11/04/2010 20:50

Don't ignore him. That won't help at all.

BelleDameSansMerci · 11/04/2010 20:50

Sorry to buck the trend here but maybe he just wanted some time on his own? Perhaps he is finding things more difficult with regard to his mum than you realise. He may be feeling worse as time passes, not better.

Is he spending some time with his dad?

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

RedBlueRed · 11/04/2010 20:51

"He is very good at turning arguements back on me so I just dont know how to handle this."

Oh is he fucking really?

Sorry but that is a bit twattish and this 'I vant to be alone' BS is just not on.

Don't feel wretched, tell him he is out of order and is not the only human being on the planet with feelings.

Twunt.

anothermum92 · 11/04/2010 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 21:12

I appreciate if he wants to spend time on his own and deal with it in his own way..what I am more hurt about is that he has chosen to cut communication with me ..his partner...for the duration...not even to acknowledge the happy birthday text...as i understand he is due back tonight after having dinner with his dad and sister I think..he doesnt want to celibrate is birthday full stop although he is having dinner with dad...its just me !!

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anothermum92 · 11/04/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
londoneye · 11/04/2010 21:30

Thank you...its hard to be cut out from the the person that you care about...I just wanted to be there ...i've never experienced this before..

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teaandcakeplease · 11/04/2010 21:32

Could you text and say "how are you doing?" or similar? Or did your birthday text include that?

My Hubby did this behaviour, claiming he was going away to think and was actually having an affair but he lived with me, so his only way of carrying on said affair, was by going away, IYSWIM. Your partner doesn't need to do that to have an affair, if he doesn't live with you. Although my hubby did claim to be busy at New Year, Valentines day etc and was with actually with the OW

However this is probably not the case with your man at all. There are lots of signs that you would see with an affair. His behaviour does sound like depression from what you have typed. I personally would just text to say I was worried and was he ok or something myself

Cain's idea sounds fun though

anothermum92 · 11/04/2010 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Laquitar · 11/04/2010 21:46

How would he react if you did the same? Would he be 'cool'.
I think all these 'own space' and not having to answer phones it is fine if it is both ways. If it is one way then it is very unfair.

I would say give him the benefit of the doubt for today but be careful if this becomes a pattern. You dont want yur Sundays to be spoilt, and spent bank holidays and birthdays next to the phone worrying about him.

Can you also have 'your own space' when you fancy or you suppose to be there ready for him when he needs you?

Unlikelyamazonian · 11/04/2010 23:01

Sorry, but I think if he can not be kind enough to you to at least give you basic information and answer your text, then this relationship is a non-starter.

If he wants to be on his own, fine. If he can't do so without causing you concern, anxiety and reasonably justified paranoia about what/where he is, then ditch him.

You don't need this sort of bollox. You don't trust him and he doesn't sound trustworthy. Life is too bloody short to be hand-wrigning over these sort of men.

Why has he got 2 phones? And if he wanted to be on his own to grieve why take em both ?

When he graciously decides to return and call you, be blunt and finish it.

ChippingIn · 12/04/2010 05:55

mumonthenet - have you lost either of your parents yet? If you haven't, please don't be so glib about it.

His Birthday will be a horrible reminder for him, that his Mum, the woman who brought him into the world is no longer here and for some people this gets worse not better. He is probably spending sometime with his Dad because he feels he has to. You are a girlfriend, you don't live together and you don't have children - you should be able to give him this space he needs. It's his birthday, not yours. He wants to be alone, he may have his phone in another room and just not want to communicate with anyone.

It's bloody hard and you get bloody sick of pretending that life is OK when it's NOT.

If you are otherwise finding this relationship good - then let it go. Talk to him about it in a few weeks time, about how it made you feel - if you must.

If you are otherwise not happy in this relationship then you need to sort that out too.