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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He blames me for everything

26 replies

Spartus · 10/04/2010 22:20

I'm really sick of getting the blame for everything by DH. Half the time I don't even know if he realises he's doing it. For instance the sky box will stop working - DH will say "perhaps you knocked it whilst hoovering?" and I've been nowhere near the bloody thing all day. He makes dinner and lets it burn - then says "it's probably because I got distracted as you started talking to me".
The wheelie bin gets stolen - "are you sure you actually brought it in?" yes of course I'm sure!
When he got a toilet roll tube stuck on his nose his reaction was "I don't think that would have happened if you hadn't been messing around"
We're short of money one week "Well, you did buy those crisps for £3.99 instead of the £1.99 ones that I pointed out ... "

Its every little thing and I know its all trivial "little things" but I'm sick of getting the blame for EVERYTHING.

Is anyone elses DH like this?

OP posts:
yousaidit · 10/04/2010 22:23

yes. and like you say they don't know they're doing it

Conundrumish · 10/04/2010 22:24

'when he got a toilet tube stuck on his nose ...'??

SpookOnAStick · 10/04/2010 22:30

Yes mine.

And not just that. He overrides me whenever possible.

This is our relationship in a nutshell; last weekend we were out for a walk.. Him, Shall we carry on ahead or go down there', Me, 'carry on ahead.' Him, 'ok we'll go down there then'.

I'm so tired of this. I hope you work it out.

templemaiden · 10/04/2010 23:23

I do this to my OH - but it's usually as a joke. Are you sure he is being serious?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 10/04/2010 23:29

No. Thank god. It sounds awful.

Have you tried confronting him?

"perhaps you knocked it whilst hoovering"
"Why would you assume that?"

"it's probably because I got distracted as you started talking to me"
"Are you not capable of remembering about something when someone talks to you? How do you manage at work?"

"are you sure you actually brought it in?"
"Why do you think that I wouldn't know whether I had brought it in or not?"

"Well, you did buy those crisps for £3.99 instead of the £1.99 ones that I pointed out ... "
"So it is £2 exactly that we are short, is it? If I had bought the £1.99 crisps then we would have that £2 and there would be no problem, is that what you are saying?"

"I don't think that would have happened if you hadn't been messing around"
"Don't you? Why is that then?"

Make him explain himself each and every time.

moviegirl · 10/04/2010 23:30

my DH blames everthing that is wrong in his life on me... not saying that i dont have faults, we all do, but no one is perfect

so many sad and unhappy women in this world

me included..... thought i was working beyond this website (no offence) but right now (again) it is all i have again

really feel for you but remember it probably aint you - its him.

moviegirl · 10/04/2010 23:32

and eat ALL the crisps - ENJOY!! life is too short not to eat crisps - my one and true vice - forget chocolate, give me a bag of ready salted any day (or night)

saying that i havent eaten at all today so make sure you practice what i preach not do as i do

Bigpants1 · 11/04/2010 00:53

Agree with above-make him explain himself every time-see how soon he tires of that!
Sorry-but lol at "toilet tube stuck on nose."

moviegirl · 11/04/2010 00:57

maybe it was stuck to his face cos he was a dickhead!!!

giveitago · 11/04/2010 19:10

My dh the same - it's an issue as it's on everything - the big stuff included.

He's controlling everything, cocking it up and blaming me - all the time - 24/7.

I'm starting to fight back as it isn't healthy.

coffeeinbed · 11/04/2010 19:33

It's the most tiring thing, couldn't agree more.

decafgirl · 11/04/2010 21:07

My husband does this all the time to the point that when we argue (which is quite a lot) he says.."you realise none of this would have happened if you'd just kept your mouth shut"

I normally say "you married the wrong person if you think I'm going to say nothing when..." but it's so utterly wearing and he never, ever sees that anything is ever his fault. It's depressing really and I do sometimes wonder if I'm the bad one...

SugarMousePink · 11/04/2010 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumonthenet · 11/04/2010 21:46

please,

can I just ask,

how does anyone get a toilet roll stuck on their nose...?

I mean that sort of thing doesn't happen that easily does it?

I have to know.

Also.... think justmytwopence is spot on. Start turning it round to him every single time.

HappyWoman · 12/04/2010 15:34

I think what twopence says is good too.
In your mind make it a game (that only know the rules to).

I read the rules of life a few years back and it says when you start that it is like a game you play with yourself.

I remember the rule about saying sorry - 'always be the first to applogise for the arguement' never say you were wrong - just 'I am sorry we argued about XYZ' and if you are feeling really cheeky give him a kiss. .

I used to make a cup of tea and say 'Sorry I got so cross' and usually he woudl say sorry too. I dont think i have had to explain myself since .

maryjane71 · 13/04/2010 22:58

I thought it was just me! After years of feeling everything was my fault then being all defensive, I now just say 'Pettiness in a grown man is so unattractive, I always thought it was just women who were petty'. It does work - until the next time!

NonnoMum · 13/04/2010 23:05

Is this for real?

I am ROFL at the toilet roll.

And who nicks wheelie bins?

RubyPink · 13/04/2010 23:06

No answer to the toilet roll tube question?

MeInSoCal · 12/12/2018 20:56

After 20+ years I got fed up. is drinking, smoking pot, porno and cheating was MY fault!!! Hired the private investigator that caught Scott Peterson when he killed Lacy Peterson to go to Cabo for a week. 3 women in the first 3 days. He came home and wanted to have sex. Parents from my sons private Christian school were staying at his hotel and sending back pictures almost identical to the ones from the PI.

He came home and wanted to have sex. I said "no, let's go for a walk". told him parents from our sons private Christian school were staying at his hotel and sending back pictures and everyone at the school knew he cheated on me. I then got a facelift, paid cash for a car, and cashed out miles to take my son to China first class for 10 days.

Marriage counselor told me he was a narcissistic sociopath.

Filed for divorce in June. My son is onto him and doesn't really want to see him but for a few hours once a week.

I am SO STINKIN' HAPPY!!!!!!!

MeInSoCal · 12/12/2018 21:00

After 20+ years I got fed up. is drinking, smoking pot, porno and cheating was MY fault!!! Hired the private investigator that caught Scott Peterson when he killed Lacy Peterson to go to Cabo for a week. 3 women in the first 3 days. He came home and wanted to have sex. Parents from my sons private Christian school were staying at his hotel and sending back pictures almost identical to the ones from the PI.

He came home and wanted to have sex. I said "no, let's go for a walk". Told him parents from our sons private Christian school were staying at his hotel and sending back pictures and everyone at the school knew he cheated on me. I then got a facelift, paid cash for a car, and cashed out miles to take my son to China first class for 10 days.

Marriage counselor told me he was a narcissistic sociopath.

Filed for divorce in June. My son is onto him and doesn't really want to see him but for a few hours once a week.

I am SO STINKIN' HAPPY!!!!!!!

WishfulThinking08 · 13/12/2018 00:03

He is a weak bully that has low self confidence. Once you realise that you can then begin to tackle him. Soon you will either go under & become mentally ill or you will feel anger aggression & no longer be beaten down or afraid of him..I hope it’s the latter..that’s what happened to me. I know it goes against the grain but one day you will be so sick of it all you won’t feel fear anymore that stops you from being strong. Start treating him the same as he treats you in every respect, pick him up on every little thing..you will have some spectacular rows but eventually he will buckle under as all bullies do when confronted..believe me have the strength to try because I’m living proof it works.

MeInSoCal · 13/12/2018 01:42

Oh...and I hired an IT guy to come to the house and run his porno history. He had under 18 girls on it so I get sole custody and he won’t get spousal support! I make twice what he makes...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/12/2018 09:59

My DP is a bit like this, but only jokingly, and we both know he's joking. He'll blame me for stuff that happened many, many years before we met, for example!

My mother is sort of like this, but less as a joke and it hurts. If there are two ways to do something, for example, the 'right' way and a stupid way, she'll assume I did the stupid way and moan about it, despite there being no evidence that this is what I did and not actually being what happened anyway.

In your case I'd talk to him about it when he's in a good mood. Tell him it upsets you and you'd like him to stop, and then maybe point it out the next few times he does it (if he carries on). If he doesn't stop after all that I'd really be considering my future with him.

user1479305498 · 13/12/2018 13:29

Ah yes , reminds me of the ‘wheres Thexyz’ You haven’t thrown it in the bin have you? (Due to 1 situation years ago where his glasses went in bin with newspapers) . He never ‘looks’ properly, goes on the attack, it’s irritating in a grown bloke

moghub · 13/12/2018 13:43

The constant drip drip is not good for self-esteem. How would he react if you pulled him up on it each time he does it by telling him he needs to take responsibility for his own actions?