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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. Help needed

34 replies

deceived · 26/07/2005 13:56

I found out just over a week ago that my dh had met a woman while he was away with work. Nothing happened that night except they kissed but they arranged to meet up again a month later. They then had sex several times that night. I found an email a few days later and confronted my dh.

He says he loved this woman but has apologised to me for his actions and never wanted to hurt me. He says I was never meant to find out. He has also admitted that if I hadn't caught him it would probably have continued.

We are slowly working through our problems and he has stopped all contact with this woman. I am going to try to reduce my hours at work and we are spending more time as a family.

I always thought my dh would be the last person to have an affair and it has destroyed my world.

I'm not sure how to move forward as I keep thinking about what they did and wonder if my dh would do it again even though he says he won't. He won't say if he still loves her, he just says he is trying to forget.

Sorry this is quite long

OP posts:
Flossam · 26/07/2005 14:02

You poor thing. So sorry for you. How can DH be in love with this woman after one night? Will he go to relate with you? I think someone needs to talk things through with you both, it is going to be lots of hard work for you to work through together. I wish you lots of luck.

Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 14:04

Even though it was only one night they have been in contact for just over a month. He says he was confused.

We have been together for 12 years.

OP posts:
TwinSetAndPearls · 26/07/2005 14:05

Not much to add to Flossam, my ex once had an affair before we were married and I know how hard it is to block those thoughts out of your mind.

Hopefully you can go to relate or find some other way of talking things through.

meggymoo · 26/07/2005 14:05

Message withdrawn

TwinSetAndPearls · 26/07/2005 14:06

It was only one night and you have twelve years, if dh has stopped it surely that is worth fighting for.

Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 14:08

We have been together for 12 years and a 3 year old.

Twin set and pears - When did your life start to return to some sort of normal after the affair so it didn't dominate your thoughts all the time. This is the bit I'm finding difficult as I can't imagine a time when I won't feel hurt by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 14:09

Sorry, that should read
Twinsetandpearls

OP posts:
bundle · 26/07/2005 14:10

you need help with this, both of you, to cope with rebuilding your relationship (ie a counsellor) as IMO it's very very difficult to know what to do for the best in such difficult circumstances.

TwinSetAndPearls · 26/07/2005 14:16

It took a few months before it stopped occupying my thoughts all the time.

My situtaion was a bit different Dp actually left me for another woman, he came back after a few months and we tried again. The first month after that was really hard as I couldn't look at him without thinking about it but it gradually gor easier.

Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 14:21

Thank you for your comments

It's just really hard at the moment. We both really want it to work but I'm feeling really insecure and scared that we could end up breaking-up anyway

OP posts:
Fio2 · 26/07/2005 14:21

I agree with bundle

I really feel for you, i saw what my Dads many affairs did to my Mum. What struck me from your post is that you have made changes yourself to make things work, ie. reducing your work hours. What has he changed apart from stopping 'their' relationship, and do you trust him that he has?

bundle · 26/07/2005 14:28

we went to a counsellor (not because of an affair, but our relationship simply wasn't working) and her input was definitely helpful in starting to rebuild our relationship. Try Relate (or London Marriage Guidance)

Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 14:30

He has removed her from all his contact lists. He is coming home from work earlier and we are talking rather than having the telly on. He's not very good at talking about problems but every question I have thrown at him he has answered even though some of them have been difficult.

We've bought a book "surviving an affair" and we are reading through it together.

We are going to go out more as a couple and as a family. I'm spending more time on myself. Today I had my eyebrows waxed which is something I haven't bothered about in years. I'm also going to have a spa day with a friend in a couple of months' time.

I just feel very scared for the future.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 26/07/2005 14:34

you will do, it is a hard thing to work through and get over. Good Luck to you and I hope it works out. i think counselling, if at all possible, would be a great start

Bugsy2 · 26/07/2005 15:53

deceived, from what you've said it sounds as though your H is making a real effort to close down his affair and concentrate on making your marriage work. I don't think you'll ever know that your H won't do it again - just like none of us ever know if our partners/husbands might not cheat on us.
Having lost my H because of his affair, I think you are both heading in the right direction. Communication is key, as is your H's desire to really make a go of things.
Good luck.

maturer · 26/07/2005 15:54

decieved
I'm truely sorry this has happened to you and i know tha absolute agony you are going through right now. It happened to me anout a year and a half ago-my dh had an affair with a work coleague. We had been marroed 15years, together 20ish and 3 kids. No problems or worries before he "lost the plot" over this woman and nearly destroyed us as a family.
If you read the thread about "just threw my dh out......." you;ll se you are not alone and there are people giong through this at a similar stage to you.
I do want to say- you cansurvive and even in time get something positive out of this trauma. I think in along term relationship, without realising it you sometimes lose each other - life kind of gets in the way! and men- of a certain age- well put it this way i now believe in the old cliche "mid life crisis".
We both had counselling- alone and together and we are stronger and closer now. So please all does not have to be lost- although you may feel you can never recoer from this now- you can, slowly, time talk talk talk to each other- share your pain. I recommend another book "After the Affair" by Julia Cole we both found something in it to help us.It sounds to me if you are already doing the right things- we did the same - kind of stopped life a bit, decluttered .I stepped back from work a bit and focused more on us, we set time aside just for us as a couple and as a family, my dh took some time to understand why he'd done it- he wasn't unhappy in our relationship - it was to do with work and inner pressures he was experiencing and she happened to be there - time and place!
Please feel free to tak and ask questions- I want to help- i know the roller coaster of emotions you have just set off on!

Original poster
deceived · 26/07/2005 16:06

Thank you Maturer.

I have read some of your thread and it has been useful.

At the moment my dh isn't too keen on counselling as he would like us to try to deal with this ourselves rather than getting other people involved. Also, I know he would find it very difficult to speak to strangers.

The women he had the affair with is married with a child of her own. Apparently she had already had an affair before and it lasted about 3 years. She ended it because it was becoming too serious. I know why my husband was drawn to her because she would have complimented him and made him feel special. I have been too busy working, cleaning, looking after our dd to do these things.

OP posts:
Easy · 26/07/2005 16:11

Deceived,

Your last posting says a lot. Why hasn't he been too busy working, caring for you and the children, to have had an affair

When did he last compliment you and make you feel special.

It wasn't your fault love, it was his.

bundle · 26/07/2005 16:18

deceived, the least he can do is try counselling for your relationship's sake - after all he was the one who "involved" someone else in your lives...IMO it's only fair that you can at least call the shots for now x

maturer · 26/07/2005 16:34

Take care decieved not to shift the blame here. i went through a bit of a similar thing, thinking well if i'd paid him attention etc but ultimately that's only a tiny piece of the jigsaw. You are not to blame-as easy said-as adults we all face choices in our lives and have to live with the consiquences of them . you dh made the wrong choices for some time (like mine did) all you did was keep your end of the marriage bargain- how dare he abuse your trust (like mine did) you kept his cosy little home life happily ticking over so he had no demands on his time- and he abused that and used the time for his own selfish needs.
It truely sounds though as he is trying to turn it round. You are also roght to give youself more you time- after all he obviouskly had lots of "him time" if he found time to have an affair you are allowed the same time to pamper you.
My dh would not do counselling at first- similarly he wanted to just talk between us. however we reached a point where he couldn't answer my questions because he didn't understand himself what had made him do it- then he decided he'd try counselling and did learn a lot about himself.
Please don't be affraid for the future- you can and will come through this if that is what you want.

motherinferior · 26/07/2005 16:38

Deceived,
please don't blame yourself. He did this, you didn't. I hate to see you doing this to yourself.And do, please do, spend time on yourself - but as a present for you, not to make yourself a present for him.

mandyc66 · 26/07/2005 17:23

only read the title of the thread so maybe repeating everything everyone else has said. but
This is NOT your fault he is wrong and I can not say what I really think because I would be kicked off!!! He is lowly scum he has betrayed you. Tell him you will never forgive him and ask him to leave!
You will manage without him. You can get 1hours free advice from any soliciter so go get it.
Good luck.

maturer · 26/07/2005 22:45

Mandyc66- sure sound advice if she wants him out of her life but I'd suggest from what she's said so far she knows she can manage without him but doesn't want to and needs help with doing the more difficult option ie working at her marriage not running away from the problem.
The easier opion IMO ( and it is only my opinion so feel free to shout me down) is to kick him out shut down all communication start again. I was in that situation and i did think seriously about it but chose to try and deal with the problem because of all the yaers of a great relationship we'd had before this 1 yaer of mad ness and because we had 3 children and because i wanted to be in the marriage. I may have misread decieved's thread but I think she feels the same way about her marriage.
Society send out this message these days- he cheated on you girl , kick him out, if you don't your weak, divorce him, you can no probs! Sorry i think that's the easy way out and won't necessarily find you what you want.
Feel free to have a go back - because i know there are lots of B...trds out ther who deserve only thta bvut- we are all human- we are ALL capable of huge mistakes (though men do seem to have a bit of a monopoly in that area!)
It isn't as black and white as it might seem!

overdraft · 26/07/2005 23:21

hi this is overdraft
i found this thread and just wanted to add that keep talking deceived.I am 3 weeks on from having my world blown apart by a man i never thought in a million year would hurt me too.I am here for you too and if you want him fight for him you do that because it takes guts and keep talking on here it has given me great strength to carry on with all the support i have had on here and i will give you as much support as i can. big hugs right now. i think you know in your heart you know what you want to do.Not one of my friends has said sack him because they know what a good man he is.I am sure you wouldn't be posting on here if you didn't think yours was worth it.Sorry to go on

mandyc66 · 27/07/2005 10:51

by all means talk to him!! I just know I would never be able to trust a man that had betrayed me and in time it would eat away at me. So to save all the pain...get rid. If he really cared for you he wouldntr have done this,I know love is a very funny thing and you may feel you can still love him after this. But everytime he is late home or misses a call or cant get to answer his phone...what will you be thinking?

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