Dh has been having an affair. Help needed

[deceived]

I found out just over a week ago that my dh had met a woman while he was away with work. Nothing happened that night except they kissed but they arranged to meet up again a month later. They then had sex several times that night. I found an email a few days later and confronted my dh.

He says he loved this woman but has apologised to me for his actions and never wanted to hurt me. He says I was never meant to find out. He has also admitted that if I hadn't caught him it would probably have continued.

We are slowly working through our problems and he has stopped all contact with this woman. I am going to try to reduce my hours at work and we are spending more time as a family.

I always thought my dh would be the last person to have an affair and it has destroyed my world.

I'm not sure how to move forward as I keep thinking about what they did and wonder if my dh would do it again even though he says he won't. He won't say if he still loves her, he just says he is trying to forget.

Sorry this is quite long

Thank you to everyone for your comments, they have been really helpful.

I always thought that if my dh had an affair I would throw him out straight away and wouldn't be interested in continuing the relationship. However, now it has happened the last thing I want is to be without him. We have been through so much together over the years and I have actually realised that I love him more than I thought and he feels the same way.

It is good to be able to come on here to voice my problems as I have only told 3 friends in RL about the affair as I felt it would be easier in the long term if fewer people knew.

Yesterday was a low day but today I have woken up more positive. It's the low days I worry about as then desperation sets in and I worry about the future.

I also have to add that my dh is very caring and would be the last person you would think would have an affair. He has agreed with me that we were happy enough in our relationship (not perfect) but probably didn't spend enough time together.

I feel that the women saw that he was vulnerable and feeling a bit unloved. She made him feel special. However I hold my husband 90% responsible and the other woman 10%.

I'm sure I have more low days to come and know that I can come on here and get the support that I need. Thank you

Sorry to hear this deceived. My dh had an affair before we had kids. I couldn't get it out of my mind either, wondering what they did, how they were with each other so this is what I did ....

Split up for 3 or 4 days. During that time I got him to write down absolutely everything that happened that he could remember. He wrote down a long letter about his feelings and what had gone on.

Meanwhile I wrote down how I felt. It's good therapy in itself because you get your thoughts out, uninterupted.

Then we met in a neutral space (a hotel room) and began the really hard, emotional work of reading through the letters one by one. The point was to be completely honest with each other. It would only work if I was satisfied he was telling the absolute truth.

It took a long time and we had to keep breaking off to cry or shout but when it was over it was a great relief.

I really felt I knew him again. The thoughts and imaginings no longer haunted me. I was still hurt that he could've done this to me and the lies hurt more than anything, but I could see he wanted to be with me and I still wanted him.

It provided a basis on which to rebuild. I started to be able to make sense of it and trust him again.

Rebuilding took a couple of years, but we were stronger together than ever before. That was about 13 years ago and I'm really glad we went through it, if that makes sense.

If you both want to be with each other, it's worth fighting for.

Good luck. xx

I would actually go as far as to say it was the making of us.

deceived, you are doing so well. I think if you can fight to save your marriage with a man who is a good father and who can be a good partner you should.
I would have to disagree with Maturer and say that divorce is anything but an easy option. I found it an awful, painful process and can think of nothing positive to say about it at all. However, I really was left with no choice, my ex-H would not end his affair, only came to counselling under extreme duress and would not co-operate during them.
If you and your H can talk about what has happened and he is prepared to give it his 100% best to make things work - then hopefully you can do it. He will have to earn your trust again and it may be years before you feel you can relax - but it could be the making of your marriage, rather than the breaking of your marriage.
Big hugs to you.

good luck in whatever you decide

if you want to stay with him, then thats up to you. You will have to be strong. Remember you have friends here to help you on your low days!
NEVER think its your fault

Agree it's not your fault. It helped me, however, to work out the circumstances which made him turn to another woman.

I don't think it's helpful to attribute blame to anyone, but rather to look at all the complicated nuances which led to the situation.

You will have good days and bad days. I wish you all the very best. x

Hi decieved hope you are doing fine 1 day at atime. It does help to hear all views and you're right it isn't simple. I too thought if he ever cheated thaty's it- but when it actually happens and you weigh up all the times you had together etc it's not so black and white.
Bugsy"- thanks for your commenets about divorce- i didn't mean to suggest it was easy, especially if you are not the one who wants it- what i was trying to say was I felt lots of social ressure (not fron people who knew us I might add) to kick him out- if you don't your weak...etc when in fact the harder thing to do at the time was to face it all and delve deeper intot he problem. There are no winners in this situation- but I hope devievedcan see from other peoples experiences that there is a future- hard work for a time but if it's worth fighting for do it!

I think he made a commitment to you and he shouldnt have decieved you,for whatever reason. If there was a problem he should have turned to you about it! Maybe I look at things too simply.