Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband thinks he is still single

60 replies

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 20:53

Am i being unreasonable. 3 children aged 8,3 and 2. husband self employed so earns good money for very little work. but every weekend he argues that as he puts a roof over our heads he is entitled to lie on sofa all saturday watching footie and then play golf on sunday. i am expected to whisk kids away so he can relax in peace. fed up with this now and he does not agrree. should i leave...even though he has already told me that he has no intention of being a weekend dad as it will mess his r and r time up.
i did used to take kids to visit grandma on saturdays, but she has just come out of hospital after serious bout of pneumonia and needs rest not kids racing about so i refuse to take them
absolutely hate weekends now...arent they supposed to be family times.

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/04/2010 21:24

take fuse out of telly

Gay40 · 09/04/2010 21:24

I like to lie about on the sofa as much as the next person (the next person being my mrs), but we had 30 odd years of sitting on our arses before becoming parents. Then the priorities change and weekends are family time, apart from the occasional weekend away.
You are married to an immature selfish twat, in my opinion.
Leave. It won't make him a better father, but it will make you a better mother.

Tortington · 09/04/2010 21:26

get that safe number too - seriously get yourself in a position to get hold of that money and go to library to photocopy important accounts and letters which give a good indication of the status his business is at financially - like statement setc

cktwo · 09/04/2010 21:29

I am still amazed that these neaderthals exist. At least you've got the where-with-all to see it's wrong. I know women out there who make countless excuses for their good for nothin men.

Go see a solicitor and plan an exist out of this marraige. Your children do not need this man as an example of an adult in their daily life.

ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 21:32

Steal the money. It's yours anyway, until you're divorced. I'm so angry on your behalf!

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 21:40

trouble is, my kids will hate me for leaving him. i know damn well he wont give up his weekends for them...he treated his other son, now 18, exactly the same. when he hooked up with me he used to watcht the footie the same as now and play golf too and leave his son at his house with me. i should have twigged him then but he blamed everything on his ex, saying she would not let him have access when he wanted it.
will leaving him damage my kids...everything nowadays blamed on kids with no dads
also, cant stand the way he talks to them...he even called our 3 year old a spas when she was naughty.

OP posts:
startagain · 09/04/2010 21:47

i'm not being funny, but is this for real?!!

kyotokate · 09/04/2010 21:47

Good grief this is getting worse... calling a 3 year old offensive names is beyond disgusting. Staying with a man like this will be more damaging for your children than leaving.....

startagain · 09/04/2010 21:51

I am astounded by this.
why will the kids hate you for leaving him?
they don't have any weekend family time, do they see him during the week?

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 21:54

i like the suggestion of taking the money from the safe. but he has already said that he would rather set fire to the house than let me have it. he managed to get away with paying no money to his ex for their son so he can easily do the same to me.
i dont mind living in a smaller house than now (4 bed detatced) but i dont want my kids living in a b and b.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 21:54

Growing up in your family, as is, teaches your kids that they have to put up with being treated like an irritation (instead of being loved & appreciated), that men are selfish yobs and women have to kow-tow to them, that hard work does not bring rewards and that grown-up relationships are all about one person being used by another.

In what ways is that better than being on a balanced, loving home with one parent?

ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 21:55
  • being on in a balanced, loving home
ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 21:56

Look at the refuge thread. That's an order!

startagain · 09/04/2010 22:00

how much money do you reckon is in the safe?

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 22:02

are nt refuges for women who have been physically abused.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/04/2010 22:02

god.I'm speechless.

.. he won't be a weekend dad because it would interfere with his and r??? Well he doesn't let them interfere with his r and r now so how would it be any different?

He is no kind of dad.

How much do you reckon he keeps in the safe??

kyotokate · 09/04/2010 22:06

Staying will be far more damaging for both you and your children.

Refuge thread here

Please protect your DC's from further harm by leaving ASAP.

ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 22:08

Bubble, it would be a good idea for you ring Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. Just for a chat. You could probably do with talking to someone who knows what's what, and can help you figure out what's best for you.

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 22:13

have just been on refuge thread...but it consisted of women leaving a physically abusive relationship. he has never been violent towards me...just makesme feel like lodger in his house...like we should be grateful for the fact htat he pays the mortgage, gas and elec, etc...should we?

OP posts:
kalo12 · 09/04/2010 22:18

leave him at home on the sofa and then go out and spend all his money having a great time with the kids. put the kids in nursery for a couple of half days, and have an affair with someone sexy....

then tell us all about it on mn, so we can get some virtual cheap thrills

ItsGraceAgain · 09/04/2010 22:19

Sorry, here's a link to Womens Aid

Here are some of their signs of domestic abuse:

Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money ... telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk ... refusing to help with childcare or housework.

All agencies - and the law - recognise that domestic abuse takes many other forms than violence. And that 'emotional abuse' can be even more damaging than physical abuse, though the two usually go together.

You are also experiencing financial abuse. There's a page on that as well.

TheCrackFox · 09/04/2010 22:21

Cut the plug off the TV then go out without the DCs or the phone.

tell the selfish fucker to piss off .

Oh and tell him he can still be paying the mortgage, gas etc when you divorce him whilst he lives in a bedsit in a scary part of town.

kyotokate · 09/04/2010 22:23

Hmmm so your DH/DP? is not an abusive bully...

What are the signs of domestic violence?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.

Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.

Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.

Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

From Womens Aid website.

bubble1 · 09/04/2010 22:24

r u saying he has to leave marital home, in hi name only, for me and children to stay in.

OP posts:
kyotokate · 09/04/2010 22:27

Please contact Womens Aid for advice ASAP.