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Original poster

We decided to live seperately - but then he said this:

40 replies

Enchilada81 · 09/04/2010 12:08

So DH and I have just not been getting on at all and after months of being unhappy, we had a huge row on easter sunday and I decided I'd had enough.

Anyway, very maturely, we talked through it the next day and we both decided we'd rather live on our own but stay "together" iyswim?

But then DH started saying stuff like this:

"Thing is, when you qualify (nurse training) you're going to be so much better off than me and It's not fair"

"I'm going to really begrudge sitting here on a minimum wage whilst you and the kids are living off £20k a year"

"Thing is, if ever you ask to borrow the car, I'm going to think "well why should I?" because you won't be putting any money towards it"

"Don't forget, half the gas bill from this house when you leave is yours and I'll need you to pay your half"

etc etc and it just reminded me of how much of a selfish arsehole he really is. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. He will begrudge every penny I make when I qualify and he'll always hold it against me that I earn more. (and will always try and get every penny out of me). He even suggested that it's only fair if I buy him a car when I qualify as I'll be "loaded" (chance would be a fine thing).

He's saying "why should I support you through this nurses thing when I won't see any of the finantial benefits of it?"

Very soon afterwards, he decided he wanted me to stay and even added in the same sentance "we'll be better off with your wage coming in here". So its all about the money realy, isn't it?"

Very stupidly I told him during a drunken rampage that I had money saved in the bank - ever since he's been on about it. "I think you should you that money to buy a laptop, a dog kennel, book a holiday etc etc ... " He HATES the fact that I have money and he doesn't.

I've since decided I want a straight divorce. Tell me I'm making the right decision, please ...

OP posts:
truthisinthewine · 09/04/2010 12:10

you're making the right decision.

BigBadMummy · 09/04/2010 12:12

soooooo making the right decision.

CMOTdibbler · 09/04/2010 12:12

Divorce the selfish git - sounds like he cares only about money

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 09/04/2010 12:13

You're making the right decision.

mistressploppy · 09/04/2010 12:13

Yup. Much better. Half-measures are always crap

belgo · 09/04/2010 12:13

you are absolutely making the right decision.

itwasntme · 09/04/2010 12:15

What a numpty.

Show him the door.

Mongolia · 09/04/2010 12:21

Sure, divorce him, but be aware you will not be getting any economical support from him either, apart of a small percentage of his salary that might not be enough to cover your child/ren's expenses.

Just thought of mentioning it, because... it always comes as a shock that the maximum you can get in child maintenance is 20% of his salary AFTER taxes, and that is provided you have more than one child and they spend every single night of the year with you.

Prosecco · 09/04/2010 12:21

This is going to be contentious but......

I don't think you should stay with him if you think he is only with you for your money.

However...............

if you are together, then shouldn't you be sharing your money. Why are your savings yours and not the family's?

I realise that there would need to be different rules if you are together but not actually living together, but the fact that there arev already money issues here when you have been together makes me think it is not completely one sided.

I fear that if you were a man who had these savings at the moment and came on here asking for advice, you would get a very different response (there was a similar thread yesterday).

I hope you can work something out.

belgo · 09/04/2010 12:37

oh and tell him men can train as nurses as well as women.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/04/2010 12:39

Agree with Prosecco - and when you divorce you will need to turn over half of your savings to him.

cheerfulvicky · 09/04/2010 12:40

You're making the right decision AND you know it.

potplant · 09/04/2010 12:44

Prosecco - I have savings away from my DH, its not exactly a secret, he knows I do it, but just doesn't know how much is there. If he asked I would tell him. I like to know we have rainy day money, he likes to spend everything we have. I haven't got hundreds of thousands btw, just enough to keep us going for a couple of months if either of us loses our job.

I can def see where the OP is coming from.

potplant · 09/04/2010 12:45

LOL at the idea of a nurse 'rolling in it'. its not a jb you go into to make 'rolling in it' kind of money.

mumblechum · 09/04/2010 12:45

Of course you're making the right decision. And if he's earning so little that he thinks £20k is "loaded", why doesn't he get off his arse and get a decent job?

LoveMyGirls · 09/04/2010 12:46

If he doesn't like you earning more than him then why doesn't he do smething about it other than hold it against you and resent you?

MamaVoo · 09/04/2010 13:21

You are making the right decision. If ever you start to doubt it then just read back your post. He sounds like a selfish childish twat.

nighbynight · 09/04/2010 14:12

Straight divorce is better if you cant stick each other. I did this thing of being financially/childcare together for a few years, it was a nightmare. You dont want to give him reasons to be able to carp on at you.

As for the wages - well, you are working and studying, and he presumably isnt!

ShinyAndNew · 09/04/2010 14:21

If you are unhappy in the relationship then definately a divorce.

However I think he may not be being as unreasonable as you think. Look at it from his point of view;

He has supported you financially during your training and now that you are to reap the rewards of that training you are moving out. It could be construed as you were using him and now have no use for him. I'm not saying that is what you did btw, just what he is probably thinking.

Plus those saving were gained whilst you were living together as a couple. Presumably had you not been supported by him you have been able to save? Ergo he is just as entitled to have a say in what happens to the money as you are.

MaggieMuggins · 09/04/2010 14:21

What a sponger!! Sounds to me like you will be so much better off without him.

Prosecco, I appreciate where you are coming from but in some r/ships there is such a different attitude towards money that it makes it very difficult to always 'share' when one person is more conscientious and the other a spender by nature. If they had 'joint' savings but one person was always paying in and the other always suggesting it was spent or actually spending it it's not an equal situation, so I don't think OP sounds unreasonable for keeping her own savings. In my experience it's generally men who won't grow up who have this attitude, content to sit on their arses in crap jobs and spend all they earn on booze and fags while the women scrimp and save and budget and generally carry them.

Oops, sorry, didn't mean for that to turn in to a rant! A friend of mine has been carrying a free-loading waster for years and has finally got rid of him recently so it's a bit of a bug-bear of mine at the moment!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/04/2010 14:42

I agree with Shiny and Prosesso. And I don't appreciate the casual sexism of 'but blokes are crap with money' going on here.

But I think you should divorce, there's too much rancour and bile in this relationship to allow you to be together after the physical split.

mrsboogie · 09/04/2010 15:18

My God, what a parasite!

he would begrudge you and the kids having an income of 20k? while he is "stuck" on mimimum wage? what a lazy good-for nothing. Why can't he train for a job to earn more money?

20k is bugger all really to raise kids on. You will be better off without him because tax credits will make up the difference to whatever paltry contribution he makes.

How did you end up married to someone so selfish?

I never heard anything like it![shock

You are so so so so doing the right thing.

Mongolia · 09/04/2010 16:08

"Why can't he train for a job to earn more money?"

Because his bad salary is badly sustaining the house where his wife and family live, while she gets on with her career plans?

Sorry. I wouldn't like to have a husband around complaining about money in such way, but there is some credit to be given to those who keep the show going so the other can have access to other opportunities.

Agree about the savings split, I gave my ex half of the savings even when he was earning 10x my salary.

Fel1x · 09/04/2010 16:14

His attitude stinks BUT if he has been supporting the whole family while you train for your dream job (presumably for several years) and now you are qualified and about to earn an income significantly higher than he earns then I dont blame him for being a bit excited about the upturn in the whole families finances from now on.

overmydeadbody · 09/04/2010 16:15

You're making the right decision

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