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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how can I get him out of the house? advice please.

58 replies

strangeitude · 08/04/2010 19:48

I told my boyfriend he could only come back and get his stuff - he had gone to stay with a friend and wasn't surprised (I had actually told him to get out before this).
He said he would come on easter day (!) to get his stuff then turned up 2 days early blaming public transport. So then he seems to have one thing after another he needs to sort out - this could go on for months (I wasn't born yesterday and have had a lot of boyfriends / lodgers etc before). I waited till he got the MOT on the car and told him to be out by noon tomorrow (unlikely I know but better than having him wait till 10pm or something). Anyway of course he is being as difficult as possible saying I have no right to make him go and I'll have to get the police. I don't see that waiting 'a few more days' will make any difference at all. It's 3 weeks since he was told to get his stuff and not come back, and 2 months since he was first told to go. He is going to whine about his driving licence (which will take at least 2 weeks) and so on and so on.

I own the house, he doesn't. I am looking everywhere for legal advice but it's all too vague. HOW can I make him leave? It could get very nasty and go on a long time if he forces me to take him to court to get him out - and I really think he's a nasty weasel or I wouldn't be chucking him out. He is saying he has a right to stay as he has worked on the place, but the builders who came round while he was away were horrified and thought it looked like he has deliberately f*ed me up as much as possible to create more "work" for himself (ie I could never throw him out - the builders' opinion was that he HAS to go or the house will never be finished and I will be broke). He of course would say he has vastly improved it etc etc you can guess the rest - and in another breath he says if social services came round they would take my daughter away.

I can't wait for weeks for him to get his act together! The house needs a LOT of work to make it habitable by next winter and there is a kid here for gods sake. No builders can come and fix anything until all his crap is gone and I can clear up - they said in their opinion it would be worth me paying £2000 to get his scrappy bloody cars towed just so there is space for all the builders stuff!

The builders are friends and giving an honest and brutal opinion, btw.

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MillyMollyMoo · 09/04/2010 17:09

My husbands ex wife changed the locks on their jointly owned property, put his stuff in binbags on the front lawn and told him to piss off, he then got a letter from her solicitors telling him he had to pay the mortgage until the house was sold.
They had no children.
In the OP's position I would change the locks and see what happens, if he forces entry she can call the police.

nighbynight · 09/04/2010 17:13

He IS my ex!

you have to be firm - I agree, change the locks, then dont let him in, and dial 999 if he gets aggressive.

strangeitude · 09/04/2010 20:38

yes I am thinking it might be wise to report it just in case it is relevant later - having had previous experience of messy legal stuff. If I don't report it, it didn't happen.

I can prove I paid for it, everything here is paid through my bank a/c.

The solicitor did say about giving 'reasonable notice to leave' but IMO he had already had that, and this WAS the coming back to get his stuff stage, where they are only supposed to be in and out and ideally you have the locks changed and all your mates round and even put stuff out the door if you have to. It's the nightmare where someone comes 'to pick up their stuff' and then stays. Locks wouldn't have helped much as my daughter let him in - we were not expecting him for another 2 days.

We had a scheduled power cut all morning, and by the time it was over I had a headache so I haven't really done anything, including the work I should have been doing. I wonder if I can report this at the police station tomorrow when I go out to get some locks instead of sitting about till midnight waiting for them to come over. Oh dear.

I also feel I didn't really explain very well. Yes it's really common for the doing-up-a-house thing to get out of hand and split people up. but all the builder types that have seen it have been really horrified. It's more like someone deliberately using a house as a weapon of mass destruction than someone just being a bit out of his depth and messing up the DIY. I stand to lose hundreds of thousands, and I can't believe the person I used to think was my best mate has been so evil and narrow-minded that all they could see was money for them in it, and if they didn't get what they wanted they would keep screwing things up more and more out of spite.

LOL @nighbynight: indeed, the lady next door had a bit of a heart to heart with me today saying she wants to leave her hubby and he sounds so similar it was funny! But also quite sad.

Should point out also that this is a hamlet and having my 'friends' over is basically the same as having the whole population of the hamlet over, and this has already come close to the mob with pitchforks and flaming brands demanding a lynchin'. LOL.

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NancyPants · 09/04/2010 21:05

hi. i'm a lawyer. you must must ring the police if he won't leave/has taken your stuff. it is your house-you do not have to tolerate him being there esp as you have asked him to leave/given him good notice. please do get the police involved as god forbid if anything should turn nasty(nastier?) then you would have it recorded. as for him saying he has some kind of financial claim, that may prove to be the case- but that is for him to prove in the future-it is not a bar to getting him out now. you are totally within your rights to change the locks on your own home. the police will back you up, but only if they know about it! plus of course they will be aware, or certainly should be, that abuse takes many forms, and emotional blackmail and manipulation of someone in their own home is abuse full stop. you have a right to feel safe.

2rebecca · 09/04/2010 21:14

I don't see any reason not to contact the police if he has stolen your stuff.

strangeitude · 09/04/2010 21:59

thanks nancypants that makes it very clear and you have put it in a form I can say to the police myself. Half the stress in these situations is working out what to say or do, and dealing with the police can be a headf*k and can make you very confused if you aren't ready to be grilled yourself about why you are reporting something.

I'll try to deal with this tomorrow, hopefully the police station will be open (it really is a tiny town, basically there are about 2 police I think).

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strangeitude · 09/04/2010 22:20

oh and I just discovered I CAN'T call the police non-emergency number from my BT hub phone. Well bloody done BT, thanks a fucking lot. What the FUCK?

This is really outrageous. Before I moved here I lived in a city center and had all the problems you would expect, plus a violent junkie ex partner and had billions of reasons to need to call the non-emergency number to report domestic incidents (not serious enough to need 999 but enough to need an incident number or crime number or a visit from the police). You are only supposed to phone 999 when you are in real danger or something, not when your bloody ex goes off with some stuff and you're a bit pissed off about it.

I really should complain to BT but that tends to mean an hour getting passed around an Indian call center, where they are just bloody experts in non-responsibility for fuckups and nothing ever gets resolved.

Bloody BT bloody hell fuck WTF?????
And not even a real choice of providers here either. Grrr.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/04/2010 22:29

Is it not just a normal phone number like any other?

MillyMollyMoo · 09/04/2010 22:29

Phone 999, if people get ambulances out to open jars of pickles you can log a call to inform them of your fears for your safety, they will just prioritize it accordingly.

strangeitude · 09/04/2010 22:36

no it's 101, they are considering it as a national non-emergency number like 999 and it's being trialled here. I just checked and the BT website even says you can't call 101 for non-emergency police on these phones.

I wouldn't phone 999 unless there was some real urgency, I wouldn't want to add to their problems. But I will mention this to the police at the station tomorrow and explain that this 101 thing doesn't seem to be working very well.

There may be some clever way around it but time is getting later and later and I'm getting tired now, plus every town in the UK is swarming with lively drunks about now so they will be rather busy.

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lucky1979 · 09/04/2010 22:49

Google your local police station and ring them direct? Always worked for me in the past

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/04/2010 22:52

Your station will have it's own number that you can ring.

strangeitude · 10/04/2010 00:46

nope, it has the same 101 number as its contact number that is also the only contact number for the bigger police station in the city.

Bit of a disaster really. Like I said there may be a clever way around it but who is up to hacking their phone in the types of situations where you are wanting to call the police? And BT even say they can't guarantee that 999 will work either, and tell you to have a landline as well.

I used to have a normal phone plugged in to the phone socket and it didn't work with any more numbers than the hub phone - ie no operator, no directory enquiries, nada. Basically they want 2 x £30 per month so you can have phone and broadband together. I hardly ever use the phone and the only reason for having one is for emergencies - and there is no mobile network here. I have to have the internet for work.

I am seriously annoyed with BT they used to be a good company now they are just scammers.

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EricNorthmansmistress · 10/04/2010 00:49

08456070999

strangeitude · 10/04/2010 00:51

Oh and my main worry at the moment is I will have to go out looking like s* in a bag and I will need a taxi and the taxi driver is a client of mine. Public Relations FTW.

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strangeitude · 10/04/2010 00:54

oh hey a number I assume is a police number that works with the hub phone.

I will try the mystery number and explain why it has taken nearly 4 hours since my first attempt to get through. Even though my brain feels like it has been forced through a colander with a wooden spoon, it will be worth the lulz.

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SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2010 00:54

While I wish you luck in getting rid of this particular tosspot (and thoroughly endorse your reporting him to the police for theft, and changing the locks - he doesn't live there any more), I notice you mention a former awful partner. So maybe it would be a good idea to do a bit of hard thinking, maybe explore some counselling, about why you are vulnerable to parasites and predators to make sure it doesn't happen again (if there was nothing bad in your past before the violent junkie, then that's probably the explanation for you having been targetted by another arsehole - predators and parasites have an instinct for people who have been abused and are not yet recovered).

EricNorthmansmistress · 10/04/2010 01:00

Sorry - that's the police non emergency number.

strangeitude · 10/04/2010 01:12

oh I know what you mean, in fact some of them actively seek out people they can exploit and have been known to admit to it. One friend had a partner who got drunk one night and admitted they had targeted her because she admitted to 'anger issues' the first time they met. They knew this was something they could manipulate and exploit to make her think things were her fault, and what gave them their kicks was getting girls into situations where they could start to be abusive and violent and they had done it before and were prepared to spend a LONG time 'grooming' her for it.

My friend is far from weak or obviously a 'victim' character, and the partner was another woman as well! She crept out of the house, ran to the station, got on the first train and NEVER went back to that town again.

One theory is that psychopaths are attracted to people with a high degree of emotional expressivity and empathy because they lack this. At first it's simply a question of them seeking out something they need, that is actually good for them. The trouble is, it's not too healthy to be spending much time around a psychopath because of the fact that they are a psychopath and in the end it's trouble whether they mean to cause problems or not.

I remember being very freaked out near the start of our relationship when I noticed he didn't react AT ALL when I fell over quite badly right in front of him. Most people would react more if a book fell off a shelf. It gave me the shivers. And yet superficially he's Mr. Congeniality, most popular bloke we know and all of that. The person who came up to my room for about 3 hours last night being all nice and then an hour or so later was creeping about in the dark putting everything he could find in his car. The person who will be presenting themselves to their mates who don't know me as a computer whiz because he has learned enough jargon etc off me, who will have all the props he needs to convince people that he's clearly completely sussed and capable, after all how come he has all those tools? And so on and so on.

There are a lot of psychopaths/sociopaths about, I used to think it was rare but it's not at all. For real. We have come across the chameleon phenomenon before - I don't know to what extent this will be the case with my ex but there are certainly people who WILL go and imitate someone else they met and basically play-act an entire character to dupe a new set of 'friends' into thinking they are someone they are not. Honestly, I don't think he's THAT bad, I really only think he will have enough bullshit to get some reasonably hot chick in the sack, and by the time she suspects he maybe isn't as capable as he makes out he is it will be a bit late.

Hmmm.

Sorry if that's ranty and rambly. I was going to phone that number. Oh god my head aaargh where's the gin ...

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strangeitude · 10/04/2010 01:24

ooops no that phone number is the sussex police sorry love they will say they are a bit far away! They could possibly put me through to another force but it would be like one of those internet sagas you hear about - the kid who phoned the australian police from america because she saw an ad about child abuse online and they had to trace the call and contact her local police and send them round.

Oh well! Nice try though.

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strangeitude · 10/04/2010 01:27

oh and i did find the gin thank god. but it is contributing to my dissolution - I drank rather a lot last night when ratfink came upstairs and it probably gave me this headache.

anyone got some galaxy?

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GardenPath · 10/04/2010 04:31

I understand it's a good idea to make a note of all incidences - time/date etc. in the event of any kind of court case. Photos are a very good idea, too.

Because you have a child as well, wouldn't that give you a bit more 'clout' with the police? Scaring/intimidating and robbing you in the middle of the night is bad enough but his behaviour seems to be unpredictable and tbh he doesn't sound stable (not meaning to frighten you). If he's exhibiting sociopathic behaviour you can never be sure what else these types are capable of. I know psychos aren't usually axe-wielding, they're much more subtle, cruelly manipulative and clever about how they abuse you, and how they present the situation to others, making out you're the loony one. But, as far as the police are concerned, you'd have every grounds for calling them, especially as there's a child involved, either during an incident or just to register your concerns and asking what sort of protection they can offer for you and your daughter.

Yes, you're perfectly right, there are more of them out there than you think, aren't there? Rarely with 'Psycho' written across their forehead and usually charming - that's how they draw in their 'victims'. If you've never come across one before, you're likely to pass off the odd 'incident' - as you did with the falling over thing - and while it might puzzle you slightly at the time - something not feeling quite right - you, (being 'normal', using 'normal' thinking), give the benefit of the doubt, as, surely, you must have been mistaken; you ignore and maybe don't even recognise the alarm bells, going off in your belly, you ignore your instincts, and rationalise it with your head - as I say, if you've never come across it before it doesn't quite compute, takes you by surprise and you end up thinking it's you. And they let you - actively cultivate it in fact. To fuck with your mind and destablise you.

They know perfectly well what is considered 'normal' behaviour, don't they? In fact they're quite skilled at social interaction, if they weren't their victims wouldn't fall for them. They know how to push all the buttons in their 'targets' (like your friend - and like the 'crocodile tears') but in their own sick, twisted minds all they're interested in is using that person for their own ends. They are incapable of any genuine feelings for another person, be it empathy, concern or love but are very skilled at mimicking it. They're so clever at putting on an act so you go on falling for it, and it can go on for years. I remember reading somewhere, it being a sort of 'arrested development', these people never got beyond the ego-centric period that is normal human development at around the age of about 18 months. Never learn or progress, as normal children do, to consider or empathise with others. To me, this sounds too much like an excuse and I'd happily see these malevolent, vicious parasites swinging from the nearest lampost.

Sorry, I seem to have ranted a bit and gone off topic, but the particular personal experience I had concerned one such individual and a friend of a friend (and no, I don't mean 'me'), many years ago. He wasn't violent with her, nothing so obvious and that might have meant police involvement. He was, outwardly, reasonably respectable looking, she was a single parent of five having recently split from a long marriage to an abusive, alcoholic and profligate husband. Believe me, this was preferable to what was to come, at least she knew what her husband was. This evil monster presented himself to this vulnerable woman as some sort of saviour, a Knight in Shining Armour, and being vulnerable, she fell for it. He isolated her from her friends and family, and then, as if she didn't have enough troubles, set about destroying her, slowly and cruelly, making her believe all along, that what he was doing was 'for her and her family's own good'. The worst, but by no means the only thing - he was jealous, I suppose, of her relationship with her 18 year old eldest son, it got in the way of his controlling her. Gradually, he undermined this relationship and the son eventually took an overdose and died. Shortly after, he decided he had no further need of this woman, having found another 'victim', and told her ex-husband he'd been having an affair with her - threw her to the wolves. This next 'victim' was, would you believe, an 18 year old girl with learning disabilities - or, 'a bit slow' as her father told me - I went to try and warn him but, as he said, 'she's 18, I can't stop her'. He wasn't happy about the relationship, this monster was in his 40's, but I think the father thought I was some sort of nutter. He knows different now.

Sadly, she was by no means the last, and to my knowledge, this evil man has got away with it and is still 'active' to this day. He was far too clever and careful to ever actually break the law but to my certain knowledge the local police were well aware, through complaints from various women, but were never able to charge him with anything at all. The damage that man did and is probably still doing to some poor unsuspecting woman somewhere is horrifying. While your situation, Strangeitude, doesn't sound quite as extreme, it's enraging to think this behaviour goes on as often as it does and goes unpunished.

Thing is, these people have no conscience about the damage and hurt, no matter how extreme, they cause you, your children or anyone else in their drive to further their own interests.

I'm so glad you've sussed this bastard, sounds as if he's taken you for a sucker for long enough. I'm just sorry for his next victim; they rarely change this behaviour, they just get better at it.

Go easy on that gin, girl.

EricNorthmansmistress · 10/04/2010 08:57

Oh woops sorry. They should give you the local one to you tho - it's not that hard to find.

strangeitude · 10/04/2010 09:39

well you are ABSOLUTELY right and yes that is an awful story. I was going to say earlier that there is no call for counselling to find out how come he might have recognised I was vulnerable, as when we met I was extremely ill (I was a psych patient and on severe disability as well) and friends had asked him to help so I didn't lose my daughter. Well that was just a bad patch I was going through and didn't last too long, and I did need some practical help and I was very grateful for that. But in his nasty little mind helping me that one time has always been some awful burden that was apparently too much for people to ask, that he has a grudge about. He is now saying he will never help anyone except for actual personal friends because oh dear it's just so much taking the piss to help someone who is really ill move house isn't it? And this was over 6 years ago too. But although I got better and did tons of exciting and amazing things he carried on characterising me as being really ill and crazy and himself as the saviour who works really hard to look after me. I have heard stuff he said behind my back to people that is just completely out of whack with reality, but also he says plenty of nasty things about "loonies" and I have challenged him about it lots of times and had a go at him but he never says anything DIRECT it's all snidey stuff. He is now saying that he has worked really hard to help me get on my feet and that he's really pleased with himself - so everyone else will think how nice he is and I'm just some unreasonable cow.

I think recently when I phoned and said he could just pick up his stuff was a sociopath moment. He just sounded amused and pleased rather than anything normal (shock, anger, dismay, whatever) and whilst I persisted in trying to break through that and get him to recognise that what he has done is serious and he should feel guilty, for a short while he was actually making replies that didn't match anything I said to make out to his friends in the room that we were just having a friendly chat and agreeing he needs to move out for benign reasons! I had a major yelling fit to make SURE the others could hear what I said too in the end.

I literally just woke up and haven't even had any tea yet so this probably doesn't make too much sense but anyway. ...

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strangeitude · 10/04/2010 11:10

oh and one last thing while we are talking about stories and vulnerable people and predators. One of the major reasons I got so ill the time he came to help me had been the stress of helping another lady with severe psch illness get rid of her psycho boyfriend from hell.

This was serious heavy shit involving police and all sorts.

I hadn't seen her in months and worried she was DEAD because she had been so ill. Then I found out some creep had kept her prisoner in her house for 6 months, spiking her with class A's and gang raping her and pimping her out for £10 a go. Just before that she had put her 2 year old in temporary foster care so she could have a rest, and during this time she gave up her parental rights. He used to take all her benefits money and gave her £10 a week to spend, telling her it was for her own good. And so on. And she had ended up in hospital for months and when I met her in the local cafe HE WAS STILL IN HER HOUSE AND THEY WERE DISCHARGING HER TO THE HOUSE.

Anyway I went on the warpath, seem to remember telling him I'd kill him if he went near her again, got the police involved and everything, turned out he was already on the sex offender's register as well. But real life carries on and I wasn't really safe walking around with a gang of eastern european heavies on my case, at one point they cornered me somewhere late at night and gave it severe menaces about me grassing him up. I just faced him down because my friend had had to deal with this for a year on her own and I wasn't about to let him think he intimidated me at all.

So I'm seriously not bloody impressed with someone who seems to think helping me move some bloody boxes is so f*ing hard and an imposition. He actually spent easter sunday just gone phoning his friends and LOUDLY telling them how he was never going to help someone who wasn't a mate of his ever again. Oh boo bloody hoo fucking wanker creepfuck. It's not even as though I broke down just after the things I described above, a lot of other seriously shit things all happened in the same week, so I'm sorry if I went a bit schizo there OK? Yes it's bloody awful when members of the community need a bit of a hand so they can look after their kids isn't it. We should all just fuck off and die.

Fucking moron.

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