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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can anyone expalin my terrible behaviour and put my mind at rest, going a bit mad

26 replies

umma · 08/04/2010 18:01

I split with my husband 5 months ago, it's been hard, a rollercoaster of a ride but wont bore you with the details-he had an affair and is with her now. We have 1 DS.

Anyway, recently I have slept with 2 people after nights out, not complete strangers more friends of friends. WTF am I doing? I am so dissapointed in myself, always feel shit in the morning and think why? I don't want anything from these guys.

Also I have behaved so irresponsibly and on one occasion didn't use a condom...now I am worried sick that I will have caught HIV or something. I am a mess already and I seem to be making my life just one big disaster after another. This is not like me at all. I am concerned about my behaviour, what is wrong with me? Can anybody give me advice but please no lectures

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
umma · 08/04/2010 18:26

Please, anyone?

OP posts:
Buzzybb · 08/04/2010 18:32

Ok deep breath you are just trying to find out where you are going and that is ok to be a little lost and confused.
Can you speak to your gp? maybe he can refer you for counselling and help you deal with the emotional fall out of this, Your gp will all so be able to advise you re std's etc
Am sorry not alot of help to you but you will be ok and remember to look after yourself and your dc. Hopefully someone will be along soon with better more helpful advice.

IngridFletcher · 08/04/2010 18:35

I don't think you have done anything wrong apart from not using a condom. You are a free agent. However, if you are feeling crap the next morning then you need to remember that feeling next time there is temptation and think about if it what you really want.

Oh and go and get tested for STIs just to put your mind at rest.

LoveMyGirls · 08/04/2010 18:36

Give yourself a break, book yourself an appointment to get tested, the chances are you are fine but you will feel better once you know for sure. I don't think sleeping with a couple of guys is the end of the world, you have been through a rough time and need to be kind to yourself, give yourself a chance to grieve the life you thought you had with your husband. Then think about the future you want for you and your ds and how you want to go about getting it.

SuSylvester · 08/04/2010 18:36

dont do it?

ReneRusso · 08/04/2010 18:43

Don't feel bad, it isn't terrible behaviour, it's just not very safe, and shows you are not holding yourself in very high regard. You have to wait about 3 months to get tested for Hiv unfortunately, but get yourself tested after that time has elapsed to set your mind at rest, but the chances you have been exposed are pretty slim.
I agree, get some counselling to work on the way you are feeling and improve your self esteem. It is inevitable that splitting with your husband would have a big impact on you, so don't beat yourself up about your behaviour.

BitOfFun · 08/04/2010 18:43

It's not unusual to go on a shagathon after a relationship ends- and trust me, two is strictly amateur status: I've been positively Olympic about it. And yes, it can make you feel shit, if you are doing it to distract yourself from your feelings or confirm your low self-worth after experiencing rejection from your ex. The drama etc (and not using a condom might be part of that feeling of reckless abandon?) acts to stop you really grieving your dead relationship.

Basically you need to start being a lot kinder to yourself, do things you enjoy, spend time with friends etc, and allow yourself to work through your feelings. You are perfectly entitled to have whatever kind of sex life suits you, but you need to get to a place where you aren't hurting yourself doing it.

Karmann · 08/04/2010 18:45

Because you have been hurt you are looking for acceptance and affection. Ok, so it's not the way to find it but please don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and once you are feeling better about yourself you won't be looking to other men to make you feel better. Don't beat yourself up over it - it doesn't make you a bad person.

purplehat · 08/04/2010 18:46

Does alcohol have anything to do with it?
If so then stopping or cutting down is one easy way of staying in control of your behaviour

Original poster
umma · 08/04/2010 18:52

Thank you, thank you. I am crying reading this. Alcohol is a big part of it I think

Bitofun- that is so true

....help

OP posts:
Karmann · 08/04/2010 18:55

You'll be ok - you will get through this. Please don't cry - I am such a softie the thought of someone crying makes me cry!

Trust me - you will get through this.

BitOfFun · 08/04/2010 18:56

Oh you poor thing- don't beat yourself up. Seriously, stop it now. Think of something nice you can do for yourself tonight. Your ex is the twat here, not you!

Original poster
umma · 08/04/2010 19:01

But i felt so shit the first time i thought never again....then here I am again feeling like a complete idiot/slut/fool. Also why can't I just be happy with a snog...why sex?

This isn't me at all

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BitOfFun · 08/04/2010 19:06

You're just not your normal self, tis all. Don't give yourself a hard time- decide today that you aren't doing it anymore, and save getting pissed for at home with a girlfriend putting the world to rights, at least until you feel stronger.

MrsForHowLong · 08/04/2010 19:10

You are not a slut, you are a grown woman with needs. Those needs for affection and attention may get confused after a few drinks with sex, but give yourself a break, and why can't you have a little guilt free sex? Is it nice at the time? Are you hurting anyone's feelings? If you genuinely don't enjoy it think of ways that it can't happen....always share a cab with a friend, drink one drink less.

With you H buggering off with another woman you probably need an ego boost and maybe feel indebted(lots of my own projection here) to the blokes that make you feel nice or flirt with you. You owe them nothing.

Like BoF said get some hobbies and find other ways to make yourself feel good, but honestly if you enjoy the sex part I see no harm in it.

Earthymama · 08/04/2010 19:20

Just be safe and chose partners you would like if you were sober.
When you are hurt you reach out for affection. But don't make yourself feel worse.
Talk to your friends & tell them to drag you home with them. You can swop numbers & take it from there, in mutual accord.
Then you can wake up in the morning and feel good.

Nemofish · 08/04/2010 19:34

It's just the rebound, honey.

I slept with an old sleazebag friend after the break up of my last big relationship. He was using me, sleeping around and I was just a convenient shag for him. When I sobered up realised this, I felt awful, cheap and used.

I marched up to him in a club and told him that he was a) shite in bed b) no longer needed and c) I was happier not being dangled along on a string. Then I had to hurry off and meet some random blind date guy my mate set me up with.

Now we have been married 7 years, together for 9 and our 4 yr old dd is sat on the sofa between us.

Things will work out for you too, umma.

Original poster
umma · 08/04/2010 19:40

my god, what you have all said is so true. I completely agree and I need to start feeling good about myself.

I think I am confusing sex with other feelings, I haven't enjoyed it, which is why I know it is so destructive

I don't even want another partner yet, yes my mistake has also been going out without my closest friends always being there, they would def tell me to get home with just a pizza for company.

This whole thing has just been a total mess in my head...I have always been a confident, happy woman with loads of self respect but I really have shocked myself.

However, THANK YOu so much for posting...I can't believe that a bunch of strangers could offer me so much support. Thanks xx

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 08/04/2010 20:13

Don't give yourself such a hard time. I was exactly the same after a painful split from a serious relationship. The trick is knowing when to stop.

MrsForHowLong · 08/04/2010 21:11

welcomex

Original poster
umma · 08/04/2010 21:43

Thank you, such a relief to read these and I think I may actually sleep tonight xx

Yes it stops NOW

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beanlet · 09/04/2010 10:20

Lots of people go a bit nuts sexually and emotionally when they split up with long-term partners; I know I did (and my husband of 9 years had been my first lover!). Immediate post-separation is a horrible time, and the "out-of-character" sexual shenanigans can make you feel really crap, especially if you've always been the "good girl" (or have been for some time at least). But you need to know that it's a normal phase, that you should give yourself a bit of slack, be kind to yourself and forgive your own mistakes -- and that it's temporary and IT DOES PASS.

You also should be aware that you might discover your male "friends" have always had a bit of a thing for you -- almost all of mine turned into slavering beasties overnight, which was disconcerting and a bit yuck. But it did make me realise which ones were real friends. One of them is now my DH and we're awaiting the arrival of our first baby!

Sending you lots of love and kindness and empathy.

MorrisZapp · 09/04/2010 14:02

Just to say, sex is actually a normal, adult function and nothing to be upset or ashamed about per se.

Sex feels great which is why it's such a huge and hideous temptation whether we are single, married or other.

Obviously it's daft not to use protection but unless you were coerced or something you can just put it down to experience. You haven't done anything wrong!

mumblechum · 09/04/2010 14:08

I was another rebound shagger, I'm afraid. I think it's something some people have to go through. I even managed to convince myself that I loved the guy based on absolutely no evidence other than that he probably felt a bit sorry for me

You will get through this. My own shagathon was very brief and I then married my lovely husband, 20 yrs and still going strong.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
umma · 09/04/2010 21:03

Again, thank you SO much. I am feeling brighter today....I AM going to be kind to myself, that's what you all keep telling me!

I am stopping in this weekend, even though I have the chance to go out...I am going to watch crap TV and have an early night. When I feel more stronger I am going out with the girls-and stay away from blokes till I am in the right frame of mind. This is a good idea, yes?

OP posts: