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Original poster

Why am I such a twat? - Bit long sorry!

38 replies

nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 09:50

I have gone and done it again and DH is not talking to me

Basically I went out last night for a few drinks with a friend. DCs are with the grandparents for a few days and DH wasn't due back from work until 8ish so met my friend at 5.15 at the pub. Had already made plans for dh to pick me up after work and go for dinner. Unfortunately it took me a while to realise that my vodka and cokes were doubles (pub standard unless you ask for singles!) so I was well on my way by 8. He text to say shall I pick you up and I said we are having fun come and meet us for a drink. He hates the pub we were in so said no I don't think so. Ended up having a text conversation with me saying come out and him saying no. He then said he would just go home and eat.

At this point I should have known he was annoyed but was enjoying myself so took his words as face value and left it at that. I text him later to say "do you have the hump?" and he said yes and he was going to bed and to make sure I use a good company to get a cab home.

When I got home I went into the bedroom to say sorry and he was not interested. I said do you want me to sleep elsewhere and he said "do what you like I don't care anymore". So I decided to sleep in the dcs room as I can't sleep in an atmosphere like that. This morning he got up and left while I was still in bed.

The problem is for the past 18 months or so I have done this pretty much everytime I have been out without him. Admittedly this is the first time we have made plans but normally he is looking after the kids and I say I will be home at 11 and end up stumbling in at 3. He gets annoyed as he likes to wait up for me as I always have to get a cab home. So basically everytime I go out alone we end up having a row. And we rarely normally argue so it is quite a big thing.

Feel terrible this morning but calling him to say sorry will be fruitless as he needs time to cool down I think. I just hope this isn't the straw that broke the camels back..... feel very nervous And this is one of my few days off from the kids all by myself so I could go and have a great day but am a little hungover and a bit tearful.

Just needed to rant really - thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Malificence · 08/04/2010 10:04

I think you need to grow up in all honesty.

A text row? How very juvenile, I'm not surprised he's annoyed with you.

Original poster
nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 10:08

Yeah you are probably right. I am 31 after all! Normally I am incredibly mature and sensible but when I go out I seem to go a bit mad. Maybe it is time to stop drinking.....

OP posts:
Ladyscratt · 08/04/2010 10:12

Chick! You are behaving like some of the blokes on here. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. You would be thinking of leaving. I wouldn't put up with that from my man.

Cook him something he likes for dinner and make a big effort for when he comes home.

Buy him something he likes, and start grovelling big time.

Besom · 08/04/2010 10:15

How often has it happened in the last 18 months Nikki? I mean is it quite regular or only a couple of times?

RealityIsWalking100K · 08/04/2010 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RealityIsWalking100K · 08/04/2010 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 10:43

Probably about once every 3 months I would say Besom.

I kind of know what you mean about the passive aggressive thing reality. No he doesn't give me a curfew I do that myself. It is more that I always go back on what I promised when I am drunk.

I agree though that in the same situation I would have been upset that it seemed he wanted to be out with friends more than have dinner with me as planned.....

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 08/04/2010 12:28

Reality I have to strongly disagree there. The OP had made solid plans with her DH to have dinner, then started buggering about and changing her mind when she got drunk. There is no way on earth you can twist that into being DHs fault or blame him for being pasive aggressive. I'd be bloody aggressive, passive or otherwise if my DP pulled that one on me. In fact I'd be bloody raging. How you can use the c word at him I can't fathom.

OP just has to suck up the fact that this one is entirely her own fault, and that in future she needs to either a) stick to her word or probably more realistically b) admit she's a bit of a piss-head and just say to DH 'I'm going out, don't wait up, I could be really late'.

As long as she gets a cab and is with friends she should just make plans that incorporate her actual habits, not some made-up 'I'm only going out for a couple' pish that none of us here would tolerate from our DPs.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 12:56

I agree with MZ

nikki...you sound like a nightmare (and like you have a problem with alcohol....?)

if this was a post about a bloke he would get trashed to kingdom come by us all

I suggest you sort it out, nikki, because I for one would not tolerate being taken for a fool like you appear to be doing to your DH

ChippingIn · 08/04/2010 13:11

Nikki - I think that if I were your DH I would be upset that you'd cancelled our dinner plans to stay out drinking with mates.

I also think that when you do go out, staying out until 3am shoudn't be a problem (so long as you promise to use a decent taxi company to get home), if it's only once in a while.

I think the best thing to do is (as Reality said), don't give yourself a curfew or make other plans for the same night.

Now - go out, get a coffee & some fresh air! Make something DH likes for dinner

Original poster
nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 13:21

Thanks ladies. I think it is a bit OTT to say I am a nightmare, alcoholic or that DH should leave me! We have a very happy relationship in all other ways and every now and then I get too pissed and fuck about. But you are right I do need to sort it out. Maybe a few months of no booze is a good move anyway. I don't drink much - literally only when I go out and even then usually only a glass or two. These nights where I have a few too many are very rare (I think every 3 months is probably an exaggeration - this has probably happened 5 times in 18 months). Anyway I shall be grovelling and hopefully he will calm down soon. Have sent him a long email apologising and had 6 chocolate cupcakes with the word SORRY! on them delivered to his office

No response yet though

OP posts:
Original poster
nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 13:23

Sorry I didn't reply to Reality!

I am fine when he goes out - he usually goes to the pub once a week with mates from work. He is teetotal though so never does anything like this!

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 08/04/2010 13:25

I would be v pissed off if DH did this when we had a babysitter and had plans to have dinner. BUT going out in and of itself is ok. You shouldn't have to tell him what time you'll be back, he doesn't need to wait up for you, you don't need to feel guilty for having fun.

Apologise for last night as you were out of order. But don't apologise for having fun on your pre-planned nights out with the girls and for heaven's sake tell DH to go to bed and not wait up!

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 13:26

I didn't say H should leave you

However, you exhibit nightmare behaviour and may not be an alcoholic, but obviously when you are drinking you don't know any longer what is reasonable behaviour so to me that = problem with alcohol

It might be an idea to rein yourself in for a while...could be an interesting experiment if nothing else

you see, addicts (whether that is to alcohol, or to creating dramatic situations such as this one) don't realise that is what they are until they try to stop

Lecture over

junglist1 · 08/04/2010 14:58

Nothing wrong with going for a drink and if you didn't have plans it wouldn't have mattered. But you disrespected him by blowing him out and I'm not surprised he's pissed off. He sounds like a decent man and you should be fair to him

Eurostar · 08/04/2010 15:17

If I was your DH I'd be thinking that you either value drink or your mates over me so I'd be thinking either a) you have a drink problem (as in rare drinker but binge drinker who can't stop when starts) or b) you didn't value my company alone. Both of which would be quite depressing things in a partner.

At the age of 31 the "I didn't realise they were doubles" sounds a very weak excuse to be honest and like someone in denial.

Sending him cupcakes with "sorry" sounds like a grand gesture but lacking in proper communication and intimacy. Even if he sits in an office alone someone will notice, people will talk, someone might offer him a shoulder to cry on....

You ask why you do this? The answer is within you - is it the pull of the drink? Is it something you get out of being with people that you don't get elsewhere? Is it that you don't want a night out with your DH.....?

cumbria81 · 08/04/2010 15:25

Maybe I am missing something, but what have you done wrong?

You went out with a friend and had a good time. He has no reason to get the hump. You invited him to join you and he declined.

I'd be pissed off with my DP if he was annoyed with me for going out.

bubblagirl · 08/04/2010 15:28

im just the same to be honest but dp laughs it off i f i go out we dont plan anything together if we plan something together i stick to it

but i do lose time and will never give him a time i'll be home any more i just laugh and say i wont give you a time as i always end up having more fun and staying out and his fine with this

i always end up staying out later its great to be around my friend i dont see often and we love to let our hair down me more so as im the mum out of both of us she goes out a lot i dont so best bet next time you go out dont arrange anything expect that you'll be out later a for-worn him you will be out maybe bit late

then arrange a date for both of you another time i have started getting my friend to baby sit so we can go for a meal and few drinks together

bubblagirl · 08/04/2010 15:32

if it dont happen every week then dont feel too guilty we have all done it and just next time you arrange drinks with friend make own way back and maybe tell him chance you'll be bit later so eat without you if you do get home early you can grab food yourself

but do arrange to do something together at some point and dont feel too awful you had a good time plans changed next time you know what to do so this wont happen again never give a time you'll be home and never get him to pick you up on a pub day lol just say may be bit late love you

megonthemoon · 08/04/2010 15:35

err, cumbria, because they had babysitting so she had promised to have dinner with her DH, and then cancelled when he turned up as planned because she'd spent the previous 3 hours on the lash and then to cap it all she did all this by text rather than having the courtesy to talk on the phone or face to face!!! This is her husband and she is 31 and they probably don't get a babysitter that often so a night out together is precious - she is not some crazy teenager with a boyfriend she's not that fussed about!

twattish behaviour from anyone actually (friend, acquaintance, whatever) but i imagine particularly galling when it is your DW who is doing it!!! and she tried to get him to join her and her drunk friend in the pub when she's said he's teetotal - there is no fun hanging out with drunks when you're sober and annoyed with one of them for cancelling dinner plans. so it's no wonder he went off in a huff.

don't think you have any defence nikki and you need to grovel big time to DH - cupcakes nice start but nowhere near enough.

bubblagirl · 08/04/2010 15:46

book table at nice restaurant tonight and treat him to nice meal or do romantic meal at home and apologise to him and just promise him next time you both arrange something you wont go to the pub as its easy to get carried away

mayorquimby · 08/04/2010 15:51

"Maybe I am missing something, but what have you done wrong?"

They had plans to go out to dinner together but she decided getting hammered with her friends was more important and decided to cancel their plans off her own bat. Her invitation to join them was also in a place she knows he hates.So she decided that rather than leave her friend and go for dinner as planned she wanted to stay on drinking regardless of her plans with her husband or what he wanted to do.
Also getting a last minute invite to join two people who have been on the lash when you are sober is not exactly the most appealing invitation,especially when you are only an after-thought as well.
Put it this way I know what mf GF's response would be if we had dinner plans and I went and got hammered with my friend instead, then said I was having too much fun in the pub so sod dinner come join the two of us when we're drunk and if she said no she didn't like the idea of the pub I just kept texting her saying "come out/forget dinner" eventually leaving her to just go home alone while I stayed in the pub. She'd be pissed off with me and rightly so. Then if she re-posted the story on here I'd imagine I'd be called every name under the sun and no one would describe her as controlling or passive aggressive. I'm not saying it's the end of the world, just that the OP was clearly in the wrong (as she has accepted herself) and an apology is rightly in order.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 15:53

hear hear mq

Original poster
nikki1978 · 08/04/2010 16:42

Thanks again for the responses people. Although I really hate it when people start talking about me like I am not here
We do actually get quite a few nights out together as we have good babysitters but that is not the point. Anyway we have talked and all is forgiven pretty much I shall hold off on the boozy nights for a while but I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL!!! Blimey apart from my husband I drink the least of anyone I know! (I may be a bit pissed when these things happen but not tripping over and vomiting everywhere). People on here do love to jump to the most extreme conclusions!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 17:29

< small voice >

but you do have a problem with alcohol if your behaviour when you drink it creates situations like the one you just had to rescue

'nuff said

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