Why am I such a twat? - Bit long sorry!

[nikki1978]

I have gone and done it again and DH is not talking to me

Basically I went out last night for a few drinks with a friend. DCs are with the grandparents for a few days and DH wasn't due back from work until 8ish so met my friend at 5.15 at the pub. Had already made plans for dh to pick me up after work and go for dinner. Unfortunately it took me a while to realise that my vodka and cokes were doubles (pub standard unless you ask for singles!) so I was well on my way by 8. He text to say shall I pick you up and I said we are having fun come and meet us for a drink. He hates the pub we were in so said no I don't think so. Ended up having a text conversation with me saying come out and him saying no. He then said he would just go home and eat.

At this point I should have known he was annoyed but was enjoying myself so took his words as face value and left it at that. I text him later to say "do you have the hump?" and he said yes and he was going to bed and to make sure I use a good company to get a cab home.

When I got home I went into the bedroom to say sorry and he was not interested. I said do you want me to sleep elsewhere and he said "do what you like I don't care anymore". So I decided to sleep in the dcs room as I can't sleep in an atmosphere like that. This morning he got up and left while I was still in bed.

The problem is for the past 18 months or so I have done this pretty much everytime I have been out without him. Admittedly this is the first time we have made plans but normally he is looking after the kids and I say I will be home at 11 and end up stumbling in at 3. He gets annoyed as he likes to wait up for me as I always have to get a cab home. So basically everytime I go out alone we end up having a row. And we rarely normally argue so it is quite a big thing.

Feel terrible this morning but calling him to say sorry will be fruitless as he needs time to cool down I think. I just hope this isn't the straw that broke the camels back..... feel very nervous And this is one of my few days off from the kids all by myself so I could go and have a great day but am a little hungover and a bit tearful.

Just needed to rant really - thanks for listening.

Nikki1978 - Maybe you don't have a problem with alcohol but it sounds like your DH does with the way you behave when you go out drinking and i don't blame him.

I think its time to examine your behaviour when it repeatedly impacts negatively on others.

At the very least you may want to consider what little respect you seem to have for your DH when you drink.

I don't drink but I don't mind if my DH goes out for a session. But i'd be EXTREMELY pissed off if we had plans and he renegged on them because he'd got hammered instead and it would take more than half a dozen poxy cupcakes to make up for it.

Nikki1978, just try it, set yourself this goal and try it.

If you go out and have a couple of drinks and it causes this shite, then tbh it IS a problem.

If you were telling us this was your DP/DH doing this, he'd be roasted and toasted by us all now, and you'd be packing his bags...

So sit yourself down, take a long hard look at these recent occurrences and be honest with yourself. The first step is to admit that you have a problem.

Someone who doesn't have a drink problem does not consistently blow her DH off when she has made dinner plans with him, getting wasted and rolling in at 3am when she said she would be out until 11pm.

We are trying to help you to help yourself.

a problem with alcohol is when it creates problems in your life

like this one

you don't have to be supping out of a brown paper bag at 9am, ya know

< looks at self necking gin and considers own behaviour >

AF
the only real problem is that she was having too much fun, got carried away and treated her DH badly. The alcohol is incidental, kind of. I did that to DH once (friends were visiting and at my house, I was out in pub, got home an hour late cos I was having fun drinking wine) it was shitty behaviour, but not caused by alcohol, or my relationship with alcohol.

The rest of the stuff sounds like her DH is a bit controlling. Waits up for her, gets the arse when she gets bacl later than 'curfew' or if she's drunk. That's not ok.

nah, eric, we will have to agree to disagree

there is nothing in this thread to suggest to me that the bloke is "controlling", or that she has a "curfew"...am not sure where you got that from

nikki is also, by her own admission, a repeat offender

anyways, I am really not seriosuly suggesting she is an alcoholic

if you read between the lines of my posts you should notice they are fairly tongue in cheek

but see, we are talking about her as if she isn't here again (or at least I am...) so all's well that ends well, innit

< 'til the next time >

Eric - the op has said this happens more or less every time she goes out drinking.

The children were away, she and dp had plans for a rare dinner out together, she got pissed and not only choose to stay at the pub with her friends (who she had already been with for 3 hours) rather than go out for dinner with dp, she didn't even get home at a reasonable hour.

She definitely messed up and if it happens regularly she does have a problem with alcohol.

But I think she knows this now.

She said that every time she goes out drinking, once every few months, she drinks more than she plans and comes home later than she plans.

Last night doesn't happen every time she goes out, that was just last night

He waits up for her and if she's not back when she says she will be (11) he gets the hump with her

It's all there...........

AF, I thought you were offski!

If this had happened once and DH had got pissy about it, I'd agree with you Eric, but it seems there is previous here

Sorry to talk about you OP... but...

I heard the definition of a drink problem is where it changes your behaviour in a negative way. In this case Nikki1978 has on every occasion she has gone out without him over the last 18m.

That'd piss me off no end if it were my dp.

I think I understand what drives this, the feeling of release and freedom. Understandable tbh, but there have to be limits we set ourselves and stick to them.

Jesus, there by the grace of God go I, if I were allowed off the leash and had places to go, people to buy me voddy and cokes see, I'd be tempted to tie one on..

MY DH IS controlling. he has a word if I have a glass of wine (INDOORS) twice in a week... told him to go F himself now... But after 18 months of this Nikki1978, your DH is perhaps more justified to have the 'hump' with you when you have chosen getting pissed with your mates in a pub he dislikes instead of having a nice evening with him.

You may not be an alcoholic, but there are the seeds of a drinking problem there.

Backing off now, sorry for the heavy handedness..

Oh for fucks sake. Don't be so bloody ridiculous!!

I'll head off down to AA shall I just to humour you all?

Just remembered that I didn't tend to post on MN about personal problems as people tend to way over analyse situations and create drama where there is none. Perhaps to create some excitement in their own dreary lives.

I got a bit too pissed about 5 times in my entire 10 year relationship with DH and fell out with him. Best call the Priory people she is heading for meltdown!!

Thanks for making me laugh at the whole situation though! It is about 100 times less serious than you are making it out to be!

nikki I'm with you...I think you need to have a word (later, when he's over what you did last night) about not waiting up for you and letting you have your night out without hassle.

'I reserve the right not to read whole thread but just the OP'

There - that is my disclaimer.

Basically, I can't see what your dh's problem is as long as:

• you are not copping off with anyone when out drinking
• not taking unacceptable risks (like getting so drunk you are vulnerable to potential crime)

-not doing this at the expense of your dh's social life (i.e. does he get equal opportunities to go out with his friends)

Nikki

I agree with you, yet I will say that if shoe was on other foot, I expect you would be livid.

However, all is now fine and I would seriously think about next time. xx