Finding my femail friends hard work again.

[poshsinglemum]

Mostly they are supportive but occassionally I think that things get a bit bitchy, competetive and petty.
I have a crush on someone atm and there is a bit of tittering going on.
I sometimes feel that my girlfriends sabotage my relationships with men indirectly be it through competetiveness, gossip or jealousy.
I feel like I get a bit paranoid sometimes. I live in a small time and gossip always gets back to me. I am naturally a very open, friendly person but sometimes I give people too much information before I can trust them. I sound like a paranoid nut don't I?
I'm just a bit fed up up the cliqueness of mum's groups. I went to a playgroup the other day and there was a horrid atmosphere because some mums who ran the group (volunatrily) thought that others weren't pulling their wieght and instead of being open and honest about it they stropped big time.
I miss mixing with men and the playful banter that goes with that.
I invited two girl friends to the pub on Sunday lunch. Both said they would come and BOTH didn't turn up. I wouldn't have minded if they had texted but they didn't bother. Very bad manners.
I am just finding other people hard work at the moment but I am not willing to become a hermit.
I think I need to play my cards close to my chest tbh.
Once at work I told a girl that i fancied one of the men who worked with us and of course she spread it in an unsuitable way. I am just fed up with dealing with such peopel but I hate having to keep things to myself. sigh.

small town sorry

Also I find that alpha mum types are getting on my tits. They either look down on me for being single or want to run the whole sodding town.

At the risk of sounding brutal I think you need to keep these things to yourself a bit more. Reading between the lines a bit it sounds as though you are maybe not conducting freindships that maturely. There is openness and then there is being too open and lacking humility and maturity.

Your need better friends though methinks.

I do have real problems with relationships generally. I have been badly burned by women in the past but I still don't learn. I don't go on and on about things but sometimes I find it hard to hold back.
I think I need to distance myself from my social circle a bit tbh.
I tend to get close and then share too much or meet someone and ''click'' and tell them too much.
Or go to the pub and have a drink and then tell them too much.

i feel for you i tend towards similar at times but have it far more under control these days

will come back to your thread but need to put baby to bed

It's not your fault,maybe you're just a bit nicer than they are?

If people are insecure,they see your vulnerability and play on it...they are just not that nice.

Try to be friendly without giving personal stuff away for a few months and see if you feel less exposed,or choose your confidantes more carefully.

It's hard sometimes,if you think everyone else is going to be as nice as you are,and they are not....

I am sad for you! There is much talk of feminism but I swear some women are truly the enemy! It should not be like that!

Im just a bit naiive. I have been through so much crap, generally distrust people because of it but still fall into the ''on someone's being nice to me; they must be an ok person trap.''

you think maybe it's your judgementof people that is the problem?

Is it just me that thinks that it is sad that you have to analyse people's motives at Playgroup? Why do we not look out for each other more?

I wouldn't have to analyse people's motives if they weren't stroppy and rude. They were being passive aggressive which I stated in another thread.
I was really enjoying playgroup until I the other day.

I hear what you're saying poshsinglemum, I'm like that myself. I find it very hard to read people and end up trusting all the wrong types. You can be friends with me though, I'm sure we'd get on brilliantly!

I wouldn't isolate myself as that would just make things depressing but I would start finding new friends in different areas of interest.

Your post resonates with me a bit too, I've found the whole meeting other mums really hard work. I'm generally quite sociable and have a circle of friends, but have moved slightly further away from them to live with my DP as he has other children that he needs to be near and I've made lots of acquaintances, but no-one I would call a friend - yet - I live in hope!
One tip I'm trying to live by myself is to do more listening than talking..
Despite being a bit burned from time to time, I like your attitude of being friendly and open with people and expecting the best from them - thats no bad thing overall is it?

I don't understand this about women either.
I kind of assumed we were all in the same boat with little ones, but you soon learn that, sadly, the playground rules still apply.
It's still hurtful and a shock when someone you've confided in uses it against you, or embarrasses you by dropping your personal info into general conversation as a 'joke' - but the best approach is probably to be friendly but play your cards close to your chest.
A hard lesson to learn, and sad that it has to be this way.

I can't believe the amount of "bitchiness" thrown about between adult women really! I see it here, see it on FB. Gossip, telling tales etc. Sure we are grown ups (mostly with our own children) and should be beyond such things.....?

You have to be selective when making friends. I know I am. Some seemingly very friendly people are all fur coat and no knickers - you need to reciprocate by being civil and pleasant back, but you keep them at arms length and don't get too involved...because they are feather light in the friendship department.

Before you decide to spend a lot of time with a potential friend go through a fairly long courtship first, where you suss each other out.

The people you describe - don't sound like good friends

I appreciate this may be harder in a small town but are there any groups/clubs for a specific interest that you could join? These are often a better way of making friends (because you have something genuinely in common from the start) than stuff that's about proximity and circumstances ie toddler groups, neighbours etc. I have no idea what your particular interests are of course, but have a think about them and a Google.

hmc - they are extremely wise words there.

Posh - I used to be like you, honesty, openness, heart on sleeve etc. Then I'm afraid I grew up. And I really don't mean that as a criticism of you. I'm quite private now, probably too private at times. I trust very few people and can count those I consider as true friends on one hand.

Your life is really none of their business. I think that people don't respect those who are so open.

Are you reading a bit much into this? I only say this because I see you posting a lot about how dreadful everybody is to you. Can you hand on heart say that you are not looking for the worst in situations?

I agree with BoF, you are very down on yourself at the moment love. With all you have been through recently, it's understandable to feel like that, but it will do you harm long term.

Take some time to regroup, to gather your strength again. You do seem to have negative glasses on at the moment.

Hi all,

I do have negative glasses on. To do with getting over my crush etc which thank god- I think I have done.
I am from now on going to play my cards close to my chest.
I think that making friends is like a long courtship. Unfortunately I am the same way in love; I go in headfirst, give it all and then feel totally overexposed!
Thanks for looking out for me people! I'm not always this self-absorbed. Just a lot of the time!

I hope you work things out.

S'alright psm, we know you got a load of stuff going on, we are all allowed to wig out a bit from time to time!

take care love, you'll be fine, sounds like you got a good handle on it.

Sorry folks, I thought I'd resurect my thread with some more egs of why I'm finding my female mates hard work.
It was my birthday a few weeks back and I invited some of my mates out for a meal down the pub(cheap meal). One of my best mates of 18 years texted me on the day to say that she wouldn't come out because she ''wasn't feeling sociable'' (fair enough)but with no mention of happy birthday etc. Yet I find time to be there for her whenever she has problems with her bloke.
I made a georgeous charm bracelet for Christmas a few years ago and all she could say was ''I can't wear it because my dd will play with it too much.'' No thank you or anything.
Sometimes when I talk to women it just feels so competetive. Whatever I have done they have done one better or it's all so defensive. I just find it wearing.
Don't get me wrong. There are many things I love about my girls friend so mabe I will start a thread about that too.

Hi posh

Just read your last posts, none of previous so just going on that.

Your so called friend sounds rude, selfish and ungrateful.

Just because you've known her a long time doesn't mean she is a nice/good person or deserving of your friendship.

Certainly don't put yourself out for people like this woman who don't appreciate it.

And certainly don't base your opinion of female friendships on women like that!