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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't fancy DP in the slightest - can our relationship survive?

37 replies

smother · 07/04/2010 13:01

I don't find my DP sexually attractive at all... and to be honest, I never did. In fact, I would say I find him unattractive and our sex has always been a bit of a disaster. And, since we have had DCs, we no longer have sex anyway! He has a nice face - and more importantly, he is a kind person and a very good dad to our DCs - but on the sex front, it just isn't happening - he has a very low sex drive and I don't think he minds as much about the current state of affairs!

I don't want to get into why I ended up with him - that would be a whole other thread - but this is the situation I am in. Is anyone else in the same situation? Can our relationship last?

I really can't face leaving DP but I'm not sure I can face a sex-free life. My previous relationships were all highly sexed with men who made me feel attractive and desirable.... help!

OP posts:

BenHer · 07/04/2010 13:16

No.

PaintPod · 07/04/2010 13:17

EmmieA · 07/04/2010 13:19

Probably not unfortunately....

Malificence · 07/04/2010 13:21

I couldn't stay with someone who wasn't interested in sex with me, it sounds like a grim future for you both if things continue, you'll be easy prey for the first bloke that comes sniffing around you too, then you'll compound the problem by feeling guilty presumably.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 07/04/2010 13:22

Well, you could choose to stay in a relationship where you find your partner unattractive. Why you would choose this is beyond me, though. I have been with DH for 13 years, and he still makes my heart skip a beat. Personally, I wouldn't 'settle'.

violethill · 07/04/2010 13:23

It would be helpful to know what led you to partner and have children with a man you never found attractive, even though in previous relationships sex was important.

However, if you choose not to explain, on the basis of this post I would say no, it's not possible for your relationship as a couple to survive. The important thing is that he's a good dad, so you need to work out a way of ending your relationship while both continuing to parent your children well. It's odd that you say you 'can't face' leaving him. It sounds pretty much a non relationship between you two.

TheFantasticFixit · 07/04/2010 13:29

No, and in fact I think you are being cruel to each other. The fairest way is to let each other go. If all you can say about him is that he is a good dad then let him be that, and let him find someone who adores him, finds him attractive and who doesn't say this sort of stuff behind his back. No one deserves that.

BitOfFun · 07/04/2010 13:33

I don't understand why you can't say anything about why you got together, but from what you have said, you are not coming across well- like you did him a favour by being with him and having children. You didn't. It was clearly a mistake, and a pretty bad hurtful one with huge consequences.

wastwinsetandpearls · 07/04/2010 13:36

I think you can go through phases of not finding someone attractive, I did this although I suspect it was linked to other things going wrong rather than his physical looks.

We worked hard on our relationship and I now could not imagine being happier with anyone else and just looking at him makes me go gggrrrrr.

But if you have always felt that way it is different. You also don't sound like you want to try.

Original poster

smother · 07/04/2010 13:37

Thank you for replies. I'm fighting back tears...I feared this would be the response and I realise that my post sounds pretty ridiculous in many ways but it has helped to write it down.

The thing is, it's not that I find him an unattractive person, as I say, he has a nice face and is kind and thoughtful. There is just no spark and I hate to admit there never was. I feel so stupid. The reason that I got together with him was all my past relationships where sex was pretty high on list of priorities failed in some way. With current DP, I felt relieved to be with someone who liked me for 'being me'.. even though the sex was never right. I guess I have had my head in the sand about this all for some time.

The reason we ended up having children was partly because of my age - having children is so important to me and I didn't want to risk ending up on my own approaching the end of my 30s. I also thought it would be a stable environment for the children because DP is very kind and level-headed - I know, this doesn't make sense now but I thought I was starting a family for the right reasons. And also, the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned.

DP is younger than me. He is a moderate person - he doesn't get passionate about anything, including me.

I feel I should stay together for the children's sake, that's why I can't face leaving him. I really can't face the hurt.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/04/2010 13:38

Echo what's been said here. If you never did find him attractive, it's deeply unlikely you will do so again. His sex drive might improve with someone who desires him intensely and so you should part and let him find her. If you like DP as a person, then it is likely you will forge a good co-parenting relationship, which is essential for the DCs.

overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 13:40

No.

You never found him attractive. It's not gonna happen now is it? And to me, if you don't find him attractive, you can't really love him can you? Because when you love someone you are attracted to them.

Leave him. He deservs to be with someone who does find him sexually attractive.

violethill · 07/04/2010 13:42

It sounds as though you're saying you got together and had children with him because he ticked all the right boxes for what you thought a relationship 'ought' to be. He is level and stable and provides the right circumstances for you to bring up children in.

That sounds very clinical! What are his feelings about why he got together with you?

The only way your relationship could survive, I guess, is if you are both totally agreed that it's based on companionship, rubbing along nicely together but nothing more. Which is a big risk IMO. Not lease because your children will grow up, you'll still have a long lifetime ahead of you, and it sounds as though there won't be much glue to hold you together.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/04/2010 13:42

Yes, but you're hurting him. Don't imagine he doesn't know that you don't fancy him - he does and it must hurt like hell. He probably thinks he's been used as a baby maker for someone whose clock was ticking. That's not fair.

Settling is always a disastrous choice to make - for both sides. A lot of honesty now - and courage on your part by striking out on your own - will help both of you. You are both hugely vulnerable to an affair - don't let it get to that stage.

overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 13:42

If you stay you need to be confident that it is the right decision and be happy with that decision.

wastwinsetandpearls · 07/04/2010 13:43

My dp is quite a moderate person, whereas I am all passion and froth. I get how frustrating it is when someone is like that. He is however passionate about me.

My relationship with dp started in a very similar manner to yours, I wanted a father figure for dd and was really not bothered about myself at all. When I was stronger and felt more confident I became very angry at dp because I was very aware that I had chosen him for dd and not me. I wanted someone for me. I eventually told him this and we had , not surprisingly a very rocky few years. He was furious.

We went to counselling and spent a lot of time working on our relationship. As I said above we are now very happy, sickeningly so but it had to start from both of us being honest with each other.

Original poster

smother · 07/04/2010 13:50

Ok, so your responses have made me realise - for the first time - just how selfish I have been.

I have spoken with him about our relationship - tiptoeing around the issues a bit - and I don't think the current lack of sex matters as much to him. He also never felt that the sex was wrong when we were having sex - I think in his (limited) experience, the sex between us was good as far as he was concerned. And we are actually still very fond of each other - we get along very well, in many many ways we are soul mates.

I realise I am settling if I stay - but I also can't face the alternatives. Is it best if I keep the extent of my true feelings to myself?? I want to say to him, lets stay together for the kids, come together as good parents... I am prepared to make that sacrifice I think in some ways.... I actually feel far more selfish and cruel if I think about leaving.

OP posts:

Original poster

smother · 07/04/2010 13:52

wastwinsetandpearls - thank goodness, someone in a similar situation! Your post has helped so much, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

smother · 07/04/2010 13:56

I just wanted to clarify.. When I got together with DP, I initially found him sexually attractive - the disappointment came in the reality of the sex between us, his lack of sexual drive, the lack of any spark or passion. Perhaps I should have worked harder on improving our sex life - but I do think that it is possible that people are sexually incompatible. I guess I hoped it would improve but, with the stresses and strains of parenting, it has gone by the wayside.

OP posts:

sadstory · 07/04/2010 14:03

I think some of the posters are being a bit harsh to OP.

I really believe that in our society women aren't encouraged to put good sex at the top of the agenda when looking for a partner. I've heard so many friends say things like "I couldn't leave him just because of sex" or "everything else was ok, it was just the sex, and that's not the end of the world is it?"

Then years down the line you realise just how important it is - usually when you've got a bit more confidence or know yourself a bit better.

If you initially found him sexually attractive, OP, then I would say there is hope. You can work hard to put the spark there, there are techniques, books, therapy - all manner of help is out there. You don't have to settle for rubbish sex. Maybe he needs his confidence boosting a bit - you might see a whole new side to him you didn't know existed!

wastwinsetandpearls · 07/04/2010 14:06

Not a problems smother.

I think sometimes you can be selfish without realising it. I look back now and realise that I was selfish by starting a relationship with my dp who clearly adored me when I did not feel the same. We were so unhappy for a long time and it resulted in dp being very emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He was wrong of course but he admits that he knew I did not love him and he was lashing out. It must be shit to adore someone yet know they feel different.

In some ways We started out from a worse place than you as I did not find dp sexually attractive at all at the start of our relationship ( although I discovered he was actualy rather skilled in the bedroom department and has a huge penis which softened the blow ) I just knew that he would make a great father for dd and a practical partner for me.

As I said now we are very happy and I love him dearly and regularly chase him around the bedroom.

wastwinsetandpearls · 07/04/2010 14:07

we found this book useful

Original poster

smother · 07/04/2010 14:12

sadstory Thank you. I think the problem is that I realise how important sex is - it used to mean the world to me, I've just got my head in the sand about it now. I initially found him attractive some ways but I can't imagine that coming back. His confidence is very very low, you are right.

This sounds strange but in some ways I would be relieved if he had an affair because that would at least show he had some sexual energy - and because of how I feel about him, I wouldn't be jealous, just pleased if I could be free to do the same thing. Isn't that absolutely awful.

OP posts:

Lite · 07/04/2010 14:24

When we feel bad about ourselves and don't feel worthy - any man who comes a long and says "your great" can often trigger the psyche to think "if he thinks I'm great - he must be a right pillock". Because essentially the issue regarding being turned off by a man who 'digs' us - is more to do with how we feel about ourselves. Obviously, if he looks like Quasimodo to you, or has halitosis - this is something difficult to change.

For many women, we carry a lot of self-loathing. Not difficult in this day and age with the media presenting women as Goddesses.

So, it may be interesting to explore your own personality and feelings about yourself etc with a therapist, before throwing the towel in.

LeQueen · 07/04/2010 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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