I don't fancy DP in the slightest - can our relationship survive?

[smother]

I don't find my DP sexually attractive at all... and to be honest, I never did. In fact, I would say I find him unattractive and our sex has always been a bit of a disaster. And, since we have had DCs, we no longer have sex anyway! He has a nice face - and more importantly, he is a kind person and a very good dad to our DCs - but on the sex front, it just isn't happening - he has a very low sex drive and I don't think he minds as much about the current state of affairs!

I don't want to get into why I ended up with him - that would be a whole other thread - but this is the situation I am in. Is anyone else in the same situation? Can our relationship last?

I really can't face leaving DP but I'm not sure I can face a sex-free life. My previous relationships were all highly sexed with men who made me feel attractive and desirable.... help!

OP, I've namechanged because I know a few people on here in RL, but I could have written your post - I know exactly where you're coming from and I too think some of the others have been a bit harsh.

I haven't got much in the way of advice for you because I'm in the middle of the same situation at the moment (complicated further in my case because of some physical problems associated with childbirth). However, I wanted you to know that you are not alone, and also to suggest some sort of psycho-sexual counselling. I have just started on this, and don't know where it will lead, but it's very helpful to read what wastwinset and lite have to say.

I wonder how possible/necessary it is to be completely honest with one's DH about these things. I don't know. The very best, mind-blowingly good sex I ever had was with the worst man I have ever slept with. Disaster area. Go figure. But don't think I need to share that with DP. Though possibly with a therapist...

I'm singing from the same songsheet too, unfortunately. Feel sad and awful a lot of the time. DH is kind and considerate and we actually get on fine, but any spark died years ago. Haven't had sex for such a long time! Feels like I'm running a small creche with someone I once dated (actually I cheated with that line - it comes from the film Before Sunset which is worth a watch, but won't help!)

But is all this reason enough to mess up everyone's lives though?

Smother, I relate to how you feel. I am in exactly the same situation but for me I'm happy with a not fantastic sex life. I also had a succession of previous relationships that were fiery, lusty and totally up and down. They always ended. I decided it would be riduculous to get married to someone like this. I knew I needed to be with someone who I got on with (or who could put up with me)and who would be good to me and someone who would be there when times were not the best. Also it works both ways. I've been there for him when life has been hard. Basically I would have hated to have gotten married to someone who was fab in bed but a rotten dad or moody etc. I know the two qualities are not mutually exclusive but I never found anyone who I felt I could spend the rest of the life with except dh. And I made a commitment for life (sorry to sound priggish)

smother, not much time to write a long response, but I know where you are coming from too. I did the same thing you did.
I have faced up to what a mess it is, and am leaving him, for the last time. I cannot go the rest of my life without having butterflies in my tummy, feeling desire and being desired, having great chemistry and great sex. I just can't. But I did try for almost three years to make the best of things, and it has not worked. The process of leaving is HORRIBLE and for me is fraught with fear. Obviously: because the kind of person I am, leaving does scare me. Or I wouldn't have settled in the first place! I would have waited for the right person, even if it mean being alone for a long time, maybe forever.

But... I COULD NOT live with myself if I stayed. It would be morally wrong on so many levels, as far as I'm concerned. For me, for him, and most of all for our son. He deserves to learn better lessons about how men and women get along than.. well, what he is seeing now. He deserves so much more. I love him so much and I want the best for him, and I truly believe now that I would not be doing him a favour by staying.

cheerful, glad you feel happier but interested in that you feel you can leave your marriage, and cause a huge amount of disruption to others lives so that you can have butterflies in your stomach, so that you can feel desired! I'm not judging you but surely there is more to marriage than desire. Yes I also miss the excitement that the first flush of any romance brings but really I don't think that excitement is something to build a relationship on. And why is it more morally right to leave someone so you can have a better sex life. Does you son not deserve to see that couples do stick together for reasons other than a fab sex life.

burgergirl, I understand your points. I have a long documented problem with my P being controlling and generally hell to live with. It's not relevant to my post because the OP was not asking about that.

Also, I typed my post just before turning in as I was KNACKERED. So I didn't mention my feeling that, if it wasn't for the controlling and difficult behavior, we'd probably muddle on for quite a bit longer. BUT the end result would be the same.

Ultimately its stupid to stay with someone for whom you feel nothing sexually and never have - unless of course you are both happy without sex. In which case it would be fine! Getting together with someone when you do not fancy them is perhaps also stupid, but I don't believe in dragging out mistakes and making others (partner, children) pay for them for ever. It is far better (IMO) to hold up your hands and say, yes I made a mistake in getting with you and having children with you and I apologize so much for the hurt I've caused, but I'm going to do what is right now. For some, what is right may mean staying with that person - for me, it is most definitely leaving that person. Do you see what I mean? I'm also not actually married as you assumed, a small point but perhaps relevant in this case.

You seem to be confusing two things though: lack of sexual desire/regular intimacy and never having fancied your partner. I do believe it is deceptive and wrong to stay with someone if you can never want them that way, and that they and you would be better off finding someone who thinks they are a bit of alright even if after having kids they are too tired to do more than wink at each other across the room before falling exhausted into bed. Losing your mojo or not having time for sex, not having as much desire for sex as before - these are all NORMAL things. I don't mean to imply otherwise. But I think you have to have something to start with - otherwise why become lovers? Why start a life together? You could just stay friends.
Hope that is a bit clearer now I have some energy to elaborate

Society is far too obsessed with sex. There are a lot of successful long term sexless or (nearly sexless) relationships - it's just such a taboo that it isn't often discussed.
If both parties are happy with a sex free arrangement then fine - if one or both are not happy then not fine. Simples

I left the perfect man and a perfect relationship because of the lack of that sexual attractiveness and "spark".

I don't regret it because I now have DS, but I'm on my own and whilst I'm happy that way, I know I will never find a nicer, kinder, better person to be in a relationship with.

It depends how important sex is to both of you. It sounds like to him, its not an issue. If it is to you, I would say think very carefully about what you may get in return (negatively) with a new relationship that may be great sexually. Especially if there are DCs involved that may get attached to new man.

it's a real relief to know that there are others who are feeling the same way, thanks for your replies.

there seem to be as many ways to deal with the situation as there are people in it.. staying and 'making do', or leaving being the starkest choices.

i can see why to some it sounds selfish to leave your partner because of the lack of a sexual life together, especially when there are children involved.

but is it right to stay when you are deeply unhappy - surely that will rub off negatively on partners or children?

I know that at the moment, I cannot face leaving - my DCs are still very young - but is this right or fair? I keep thinking that some time in the future, I might be able to leave - but is there ever a right or better time?

The whole sex issue is fundamental and important - it's more than the pleasure of the moment, more than a bit of a fun. When it is as wrong as it is in my relationship it undermines everything.... my confidence/self-esteem, his confidence/self-esteem....

but I still can't leave because I love my DCs so much and feel this would hurt them and do them huge damage. And perhaps the main reason is because I would feel that leaving would be selfish - even though I understand other people who say that it is the morally 'right' thing to do, I know that I wouldn't be able to deal with how selfish I would feel.

It's really really hard. I feel that I have to sacrifice a whole dimension of my life..... sacrifice is a very loaded word but do you know what I mean?

Smother, IMO you should leave now. It will only get harder and hurt the children more when they are older and can understand.

I was in a very similar situation last year. I was a single parent and met a man who I dated for a year and then moved in with. From the start I didn't really fancy him. I could see he was very handsome but he had very off putting mannerisms and his personality was, well, very repressed to say the least.

But on paper he looked and sounded great.

The sex was never that good. He had a low sex drive, never complimented me and I resented him. I ignored this though, and just moved in with him.

It was a total disaster. By the end of a another year he literally made my flesh creep. IME not fancying someone when you have to share a bed and a life with them, simply escalates to the point of repulsion.

When I broke up I had to move out again, face the trauma of money worries, and face being alone again- which I hated.

But I am so so so glad I did it and reading your post has made me feel that relief all over again. I would probably be married to him by now and facing a life time of crap sex, no intimacy and looking at his body that made me go eugh.

Be brave and leave. It can only get worse.

littlestmummystop, I think there is a difference when the DP/DH is the children's father, tbh.

'Leaving' generally means taking the DCs with you, for the vast majority of women. In which case, you are condemning your DP/H to only seeing his children at weekends/holidays. That is the main reason why I don't think it is just a question of 'leaving him' for your or for his sake.

The OP says he is happy, or at least, not so concerned about the lack of sex as she is. How happy would he be if he found a woman who fancied the pants off him but he still had a low sex drive, and could still only see his children every few days? Some of the posters have said that he deserves to be with someone who fancies him rotten. Well maybe so, but that's for him to decide surely? Perhaps he'd rather be with the OP and his children. Perhaps there is a case for seeing what you can make of this, communicating effectively with him to see what you can build. Dunno.

Smother, kept thinking about your situation. I know there is that argument where people say 'well what kind of example is it to the kids to stay with someone you're not in love with' I just don't buy this argument. I mean what kind of example do you give by leaving their father. I don't ever think I've ever heard any kid or adult say: "I think my mum made the right decision leaving our dad because she wanted to find someone she was in love with". On a practical level, remember that if you did leave you would be out there as single person but not the single person you were before kids. I really couldn't face the whole meeting someone thing again. But that's just me. Also I'm not sure about the idea of looking for someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Surely that has to come from within or else there will always be someone else who is better looking or more charming, a more attractive proposition. I hope you dont think I'm judging you its just your situation hit a chord with me and it's something I've thought/think about a lot. Anyway you sound like a kind caring person who is obviously considering everyone's feelings. Hope you work through this.