How do you make your dp suffer when he's behaved like an arse?

[fedup1981]

Firstly this isn't an entirely serious thread! and I know many of you must be able to talk things through calmly and rationally like grown ups and have no need for the cold shoulder etc

So this is a thread for the rest of us! What things do you do to bring some consequences to your dp/dh when you're really pissed off with them? I need the equivalent of the naughty step, but for a 33 year old!

Is it really not normal and abusive? I have put up with it for so longer that I find it hard to see the reality for what it is

The sad thing is that the DC's grow up with this kind of treatment being perceived as the norm, and thus grow up to be 'abusers' or 'abused' on some level.

I am on my own RubyPink... it is hard and scary and sad sometimes, and like your life, mine was messy and complicated. But it's a damn sight easier not feeling like I am a neurotic, paranoid of just wrong.. After 6 mnths of counselling I am getting there.
It is about drawing a line, for yourself, your DC's and finding the courage to take the steps.

I read the threads about seemingly 'normal' relationships, and that put how acceptable what I was going through. Healthy relationships don't leave you writhing in self doubt with low self esteem, they just don't give you cause to think the kind of thoughts you are having.

It's hard to let go and to mourn what must have been a good enough relationship at some point. But the thought of staying for another 25 yrs? Is that what you see lovey?
Because there is nothing to compare to the serenity of having a cup of tea without being on tender hooks that life will come crashing down, or you are trying to be the eternal peacemaker.

Of course I was at some point where you are now, terrified of being trapped, terrified equally of change, lonely as hell but scared of being alone.

I hope life grants you the strength to change things, however it bests suits you, so the rest of your life is in some way how you dream it could be in your day dreams... take care xx

Yes, I think you should leave, the effect on our DC is awful, normally I suggest ppl try to work it out, but in this case I'm going to have to side with the seperation option..

Sorry I dont have any 'nicer' advice.

Thanks for that kind and thoughtful post FTC.
Trouble is I always had low self esteem anyway but I guess he has made it worse. I do dream of being on my own and sometimes think that it would be great but other times I think I am kidding myself and I would hate it. But I only have one life and I don't think I want to spend it all with him

Or, imagine your sons treating their wives in this way. Because that's how they are learning to be husbands and fathers. Imagine your anxious grandchildren's faces.

Now that you say it, it's an awful thought. I really wouldn't want them to be like him when they are married... what can I do? It's too late

it's not too late, and i'm pretty sure you won't hate being without him, you need to do something, for the sake or your DC even if you won't do it for yourself.

Ruby - Its NEVER too late. They can still understand the difference from what is normal and acceptable - and what is not.

It was looking at my children's faces, and never ever wanting them to have the red puffy, cried out eyes of their mother. Never experiencing that utter devastation and loneliness of your situation.

I never want my children to feel this pain...my pain....your pain, the pain you feel right now.

That is what is getting me through this same situation.

I have a son...and in some ways, it's especially crucial for him to NEVER become one of these entitled, bullying, disconnected arseholes.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But I love my babies.

ruby - a good man doesn't make you feel inadequate ever. A good man does his very best to boost your self-esteem at every turn. A good man doesn't show you disrespect in front of your children. He tells your children off for being rude or unkind to you. A good man ensures that you know in your very bones that he loves and cherishes you.

Whatever else goes on you need to feel that the man you share your life with values you as much as himself. And vice versa. Otherwise there is no point.

ok OR and where does one find such a good man? If I leave the man I've been with for the last 25 odd years of my life, where do I start to find someone else? Or do I just face the rest of my life alone?

I feel he does not value me as much as his work. He loves his job so much

I tend to do what tortoise does, carry on with my day and probably treat myself to something lovely for which HE can pay. Puts me in a good mood and makes him feel so bad that he apologise unreservedly anyway Its rare though but he does have his moments of Fuckwitage

You know what Ruby, "alone" doesn't have to be a desperate word or a sad state, this is the 21st century it's not shaming for a woman to be divorced there are companies that cater for single everything and doing things by yourself is not frowned apon. Being "alone" means you can live without fear of temper outbursts or social occasions being ruined, means you can live how YOU want to live.

Oh ruby I agree with libra, I'd rather be alone than spend my time with a man who didn't appreciate me. Honestly. I know I'm lucky with DH but it isn't as if we are love's young dream far from it - just normal decent people. If it's any comfort I think the world is full of them - normal decent people I mean - but they often get overlooked by the beautiful and exciting.

Ormrenewed: I have printed off your post and stuck it on my kitchen noticeboard. Thank you.

Ormrenewed's description of what a good man should do is quite right, speaking as a guy, I know these things are part and parcel with being a husband.

I don't think someone who thinks it's ok to act that way is likely to suddenly change, being alone isn't so terrible, and even if it is, there's plenty of decent men out there...

Thanks. Hope it helps saddest.

It works both ways. DH had taken an entire 24 hrs to go to London and watch his team - had a slightly drunken hoarse phone call from the pub (they won!). I've got the kids on my own. But it's his passion and as long as he doesn't do it more than 3 or 4 times a year I am delighted for him to go. Give and take.