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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you make your dp suffer when he's behaved like an arse?

70 replies

fedup1981 · 07/04/2010 11:59

Firstly this isn't an entirely serious thread! and I know many of you must be able to talk things through calmly and rationally like grown ups and have no need for the cold shoulder etc

So this is a thread for the rest of us! What things do you do to bring some consequences to your dp/dh when you're really pissed off with them? I need the equivalent of the naughty step, but for a 33 year old!

OP posts:
MostActive · 07/04/2010 23:40

Ruby, I would like to think he was your exh not your dh

RubyPink · 07/04/2010 23:46

I think he should be but I don't have the courage to leave. He is ok most of the time but he gets these fits of anger and loses his temper over the most trivial things... he had a go at DS the other day for losing a football, and he gets really nasty. When the DCs were little and fell over he would get annoyed rather than sympathetic, that's not right is it?

MostActive · 07/04/2010 23:51

No Ruby it's not right, you know it and others will tell you the same, I do however know how hard it is to leave, have been there, done that, survived to wear the tshirt so to speak.

RubyPink · 07/04/2010 23:57

MostActive I know it but my confidence is at a very low ebb and I don't think I have the strength to do anything positive about the situation. What really gets me is the fact that he would say that to our son for virtually nothing and yet afterwards act like he was totally right to do so, even if he had admitted it was wrong it would have been better. He is so arrogant and doesn't seem to care at all how his behaviour affects the people around him.
thanks for getting back to me

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/04/2010 00:05

If my DH ever called me a cunt I would leave him.

But he would never do it, so it's a non-issue.

If DH annoys me or I annoy him, we either have a bit of a barney or a rational conversation depending on what mood we're both in! Then we apologise and make up.

Making someone suffer is so incredibly juvenile.

MostActive · 08/04/2010 00:06

Ruby, can understand how you are sapped of energy, dealing with men like this is a drain but ultimately this man should not be treating HIS child like this and you have a duty to protect your child/ren from such abusie behaviour.

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 00:14

He has called me a cunt as well but it was when he said it to our son that I got most upset. It was a while ago and the kids are older now...DH is a bit better than he used to be but still blows up for nothing. Tbh I think he has some serious issues and needs help but he will just not admit he has a problem at all, won't listen when I try to talk and I have been reduced to sending emails to him to try to get through. He is also a workaholic who spends long hours at work and when at home can't keep his hands off the blackberry. I somehow seem to think it's all my fault though and find myself always trying to please him to keep the peace. Sorry for rambling on but thanks for listening, better go to bed now will pop back in tomorrow.

MostActive · 08/04/2010 00:21

Ruby, off to bed myself, will also be back on tomorrow. Take care

onesouffle · 08/04/2010 07:23

Ruby if my dh called our son a c* it would disgust and appaul me . How can you live with someone like this? Leave for the sake of your son. Your son will be learning that treating women and children (people who are smaller than him) like this is okay! Don't roll over and let him treat you both like this you have a right to a peaceful happy life with someone who respects you both.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 10:35

ruby, I am sorry you are living with an abusive man

and even sorrier you seem to feel you have no choice but to do so

I don't know if you will revisit this thread, but I think if you started your own you would get lots of support and advice

a warning for you though..be prepared for a flaming for standing by and allowing your children to be abused too

it may shock you out of your rationalisation and denial of the situation, however...

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 11:16

thanks AF and OS I know you are right and know exactly what you mean... but I find it so hard to take a step back and see the situation from the right perspective. I suppose I have never thought of him as 'abusive' as such and we have been married a long time so I have got used to the behaviour over the years. It is my confidence that lets me down, in that I have none and I think he makes that worse. As I said he is a bit better these days but there are still incidents and when I look back and think of all the family occasions he has ruined with his outbursts it makes me feel sad. The football incident I mentioned last night is a good example of what he does, I mean losing a football is firstly not important and secondly and accident and yet he was extremely verbally aggressive to my son, didn't call him a c**t this time but a twat... still not nice and in such a nasty way. Believe me I try to intervene and get him to see what he's doing but he just won't listen. Add to that he has started making really sexist (and racist) remarks in the guise of a 'joke' but in front of the kids (3 teenage boys) it is bound to rub off isn't it? As I said he is a workaholic, long hours (his choice) and I work part time and run the house but needless to say it is never good enough for him, will often complain about what I've done and make me feel inadequate. This is rubbing off on our oldest boy who now does similar things.
I think I need to see a counsellor to sort out my thoughts but it is our 25th anniversary this year and am supposed to be organising a party! don't really feel like it though....

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 11:47

oh and another thing... he has called me 'mental' on more than one occasion, considering I suffered from anxiety for many years not very nice either.

Malificence · 08/04/2010 12:02

You are doing your sons no favours by letting them see you being belittled and abused by this man, do you want them to treat their girlfriends in this appalling fashion?

Don't you think the time has come for you to stand up to this hideous bully?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 12:13

how do you see the next 25 years, ruby ?

more of the same ?

a slowly escalating pattern of belittling and erosion of your self-esteem ?

what about when your boys leave home...do you want to grow old, together, just you two, with this man ?

what a sad way to think...you don't have time to arrange a counsellor because you have to organise a party to "celebrate" your abusive marriage ???

stuff the party, use your landmark anniversary to decide what you want and go for it

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 12:15

He is a bully I admit but the trouble is that some of the time he is ok and then he will suddenly snap for no good reason. I have tried to stand up to him but it is so hard to get through... he seems to believe everything he does is right and always turns things around so it seems like it is my fault. I suppose the boys have grown up with him like this, they are used to it

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 12:18

AF no, I dread when the boys leave home and it's just the 2 of us and I shouldn't feel that way. But it is really scary to think about being on my own after years of being a couple don't you think?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 12:29

sorry, no

I would rather be on my own than belittled and bullied, I cannot accept that argument

you are rationalising

of course, bullies are not horrid all the time or people would not stick around

they quite deliberately back off and be "nice" for a little while just to keep you hanging on, begging for the crumbs of the man they want them to be

my own mother is married to a bully and an emotional abuser

my father belittled her for years, to the point of her mental illness but still she stayed...did the same to me too as I was growing up

I hate him...would rather have no relationship with him at all..I refuse to respond to his "nice" spells, because just around the corner is another episode of bastardliness

her, I pity and resent because she didn't leave him years ago, and didn't protect her children from such a fucked-up relationship

they are still together...growing ever more bitter and insular as they age together...pushing their grown up children further and further away...

not a future I would wish on anyone, especially a nice lady like you

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 12:56

thanks AF... I know he is in some ways a bully and an emotional abuser but I suppose because he is not as bad as some of the DHs I read about on here I always think it is just me making a fuss over nothing. I do need to see a counsellor and I will do it soon, just to help me get things in perspective. I feel i would be a much better person and have a better life if I left but it's a question of finding the courage to do so.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 13:07

I wish you strength, ruby

just one more thing I would like to say

how "bad" does "bad" have to be?

your argument is weak, that he isn't "as bad as some". Just because he doesn't hit you and gamble away the mortgage money doesn't mean you should accept the treatment he metes out to you and your children

I have a feeling you will be in the same position 12 months from now, though

RubyPink · 08/04/2010 13:09

It is more complicated than I have said AF, you are right but I have to rush now. Will pop back later, thanks for listening x

AnyFucker · 08/04/2010 13:15

OK, Ruby, I know you have to dash

Obviously nothing is ever black and white. I know that. And you don't have to explain everything to me. I am not badgering you to explain your whole life.

Rightly or wrongly, however, I do feel I have to challenge certain mindsets, but I don't expect you or anyone to have a sudden "lightbulb" moment just because of something a complete stranger on the net says

I lived it as a child. I understand it, but I don't understand your life. However, it does pain me to see women making excuses to stay with abusive men.

That is all. All the best to you x

RubyPink · 09/04/2010 14:35

The trouble is that I find 'abusive' such a strong word and really the only thing I always come back to is that he is not really bad enough for me to up and leave. Maybe it's an excuse I don't know, but obviously it would be really stressful and upsetting for the kids if I did. It is a very tough decision to make.

StepSideways · 09/04/2010 14:41

I agree with AF

RubyPink · 09/04/2010 14:47

SS you think I should leave?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/04/2010 14:49

If you dread the idea of being alone with him your sons probably do too. He's calling them cunts and ruining social occasions, he's destroyed your self esteem and you're sitting there saying to yourself at least he doesn't punch me.

It is tough. It's very tough. But he is abusive.

You don't need to decide anything. But I do want you to know that this is not normal, it's not inevitable, you don't have to put up with it just because 'all relationships have hard times', there is happiness out there and you deserve it as much as anyone else.