Please help me let go

[Scorps]

I have to let go of my husband. It's not going to work.

I'm beyond sad about it. I totally adored him, have never seen anyone so beautiful, he always made it better, I've never had that connection with anyone and I doubt I ever will. I meant my marriage vows with every fibre of my being.

Last night we said goodbye.

I need to let him go, set it all free.

I'm so scared of so many things. My future, a new partner one day, if I'm going to have this hole for eternity, of when he sees someone else, I feel terrible about the dcs - my parents have been together 30 years and I thought that's what happened. I have no self esteem, I can't see how anyone will want me esp with 4dc.

I wish I had a time travel machine, though I don't know where in time I'd go.

Please help me.

What went wrong? Can't it be sorted?

You sound too sad for this all to be right.

Could you try relate/counselling?

Sending you lots of hugs.

XXX

No, it's gone past that and he's unwilling, he doesn't want me.

He left me at Xmas when I was 38 weeks pg, we had layers of problems centered around his cheating and my behaviour subsequently.

Oh poor you though I have to say if he left you at 38 weeks preg I think your'e better off without him tbh.

I know it can be so hard letting go and moving on but you will get through it. I dont know anyone whos died of a broken heart yet! lol.

Do you have family around you? Try and concentrate on your kids.

Oh Scorps I'm so sorry. Not long ago I was where you are now, but older and not pg.

He was the love of my life and all I ever wanted. We were together a very long time and I totaly adored him.

You will be fine, it takes time, but you will be. I never thought I'd cope without him but I have and am even on the way to being happy which I never thought possible.

He is quitter and not worthy of you. You need to see a solicitor to get some advice on money matters, it's important.

Lots of love and keep posting..xxx

This man is not a God

He is not the only one who is beautiful

He is not the only one who can make you feel good

He is only unique in that his make-up is arranged in a certain way. There are many, many, many others who possess different, but just as appealing, make-ups

He is flawed in lots of very important ways...the ways that will hurt you. The ways that mean that only he matters in his world, no matter what pretty words he says to you

He is not that important. No-one is. No-one should have such importance in another's life they possess the ability to destroy you.

Scorps, you must stop wallowing in self pity. It is self-destructive and counter-productive. Hankering after something that never was, that can never be will prevent you moving on.

You are preventing yourself from moving on. Not him, you, because you place such great importance on one person. You are very wrong to do that.

No matter how many times we tell you that you are beautiful and you will meet someone else, you do not listen.

Stop listening to his feelings, his situation, his thoughts. They are not relevant to you.

Only you and your dc's are relevant to you now.

Hear hear AF. I hope you take notice of her post, Scorps.

Scorps I was emotionally skewered by someone who I thought was the be all and end all. I thought I'd never get over it.... Well, I did. I met someone a few years later who was SO much better.

Everything that AF has said is true. You're giving your personal power away. You and your DCs are the most important ones.....

You can get over it and you will....

Try this book. It has a good chapter on detachment and I think in many ways Scorps you are "co-dependent" on this man. And you really need to look after yourself.

You can let go, OP, because you should. If he doesn't want you, that is his loss. You deserve to be adored, and at some point, when you are ready, you will be.

Great post AF.

Scorps, it may sound harsh but AnyFucker is totally right. You are making your DH way more important than he really is. Your heart won't stop because he's gone. You will survive. It's just raw at the moment.

Focus on your DC and YOURSELF! Spend time with friends and family who DO love you. You can't change his mind or the past. You have to accept it and in time you will.

Scorps the positives in your situation are that you've got youth on your side and you have lovely, supportive parents who adore you.

Believe me, there is no such thing as "the one". I really think the "soul mate" illusion is a pernicious myth that stops people from living their lives and meeting others who would be wonderful potential partners.

Your H is not a "beautiful person" - he is deeply flawed.

There are any number of men out there who are beautiful, but on the inside. A man who makes you laugh, cares for you desperately, loves your DCs like they were his own, puts you first every time, becomes beautiful.

This is a terrible grief and I don't under-estimate it. You will not be ready to meet anyone else for some time I suspect, so you should for a while just "be". Look after yourself, get yourself some therapy, nurture your DCs and your friendships.

Please don't build a shrine to this false idol though.

Great post AF - Try to take what she says on board Scorps - AF speaks the truth.

Anyone who leaves his pregnant wife and kids isn't worth the shit under your shoe.

I think you should print out AFs post and keep it on you at all times and keep reading it.

When my H left me and I was where you are now, A good friend said to me "he doesn't care more than he does care". I found that SO hard to hear but she was right and it really helped me to move forward.

When I blubbed to her "he doesn't fancy me anymore" she said "find someone who does then".

I hadn't thought of it like that before and it really helped me to think about things differenty.

I do and will listen to AF, she has always helped

I do have a life of my own and I definitely do not wallow all the time, I actually enjoy some parts of life already

I went out with mum today and she helped me too. I'm going to start a divorce, and my parents will help me do that. I'm going to learn to drive too.

Mum said today 'you're not afraid of today are you? Just don't be scared of tomorrow'.

I'm starting ounselling next Thursday

Well done Scorps! Proud of you.

When you get over him you will realise that he's a cheating scumbag whop left you whilst pregnant. How awful.
I know what it's like to be so in love with someone that you can only see their good points but try to focus on you and your dc. Don't worry- you will meet someone who truly loves you. My mate had four kids and she went on to meet someone.

Hi Scorps, you are doing the right thing. Sending you big hugs. I also know of someone who had 4 dc's & went on to meet someone else & have another 4 dc's & is blissfully happy. It gives me hope on the dark days........

Scorps just read your thread, sending you a ((hug)) lady. I am where you are at right now as well, some days are very hard and others you feel ok. But it will get better x

AnyFucker Wed 07-Apr-10 11:46:59
AF - I have just read your post again and wanted to say thanks. This is how I need to feel about my Ex H.
Scorps - I can't let go either, i love my Ex H and miss him, think of him constantly. I know how you feel and empathsise totally.

hi, partytime

I don't know your story (like I know scorps's) but I wish you strength

do you have a supportive family ?

Hi partytime keep going, love. Remember what my mum said ' you're not afraid of today so don't be afraid of tomorrow'. Do you have friends, family, professional support?

AnyFucker knows her things, even though it's blunt lol it's the truth

I'm feeling ok today. Have a weird feeling of it being boxed some how.

hang on to the "ok" feeling

"ok" is good enough

my story is on here in another name, and snippets under this one. in a nutshell ...
after being with the same man for 26 years, 21 married, 2 dc's, now in mid 40's, he's living with ow, had 3 year affair i didn't know of before i found out, he's been gone 6 months.
most days i cope, i even would say i'm happy but then i get stuck in a thought process of what if's, what are they doing, i should be with him not her, what's wrong with me, will i ever be in love again, or alone for ever, i want him back, etc etc, on it goes.
i just want it to stop.
i do have a great family and friends and have had counselling, i feel very lucky.
i'm sorry but for me ok will never be good enough, just like being second best is not good enough.

I am so sorry, partytime

you are not secondbest

he is

he is not good enough for you, was not man enough to treat you well, not mature enough to honour his marriage vows

he was weak, selfish and has hurt others very badly

please do not torture yourself with thoughts of them skipping through bluebells and living happily ever after...relationships built on destroying other people's lives rarely work out long-term

karma will see to them

but that doesn't matter to you (or shouldn't...), you have a new life now, free of mistrust and a chance to move on and meet someone who cherishes you as you should be

you will, one day, but not when you are hankering after something that no longer exists

Scorps - sorry to hear it matey

Your Mum sounds great - my Mum said 'I told you that you should have been cooking his meals and doing his ironing' You have to laugh, my veggie patch isn't big enough for any more bodies!!

Try your best to think of all of the good things about not being with him anymore - and you know there are plenty really x