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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ok ladies!!

59 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 09:58

Quick Question - Do we follow our head's or our heart's??

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 07/04/2010 14:11

So?

You're in the begining of a relationship, you shouldn't be arguing. He shouldn't be telling you who you can and can't go out with. He is acting posessive.

Leave him.

FWIW I have been going out with my boyfriedn for five months now, we haven't had any arguments, he doesn't comment on who I go out with or worry that other men will be hitting on me, and we have been good friends for around five years.

Your gut instincts are right.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 14:14

Yes, but he has been cheated on before, surely that that has something to do with his behaviour now,right?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 14:17

this is waving a big red flag for me

"It's not even anything, we talk about day to day thing's and he doesnt want me to go on my own with this friend because she is meeting a man, almost anything trigger's a argument and he think's every man is going to try it on with me. "

this will only get worse, not better

after a few weeks together, he has no trust in you and is not prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt, it does not sound fun

it sounds horrible hard work

ditch him now

you owe him nothing

let him take out his isshooos on someone else

Aussieng · 07/04/2010 14:59

"Yes, but he has been cheated on before, surely that that has something to do with his behaviour now,right?"

No doubt. If he hit you the fact that he was cheated on before probably has something to do with that too.

The fact that you can explain his behaviour does not make it all right.

I don't feel that I know enough about his behaviour to say leave him now but agree it is a red flag and you are already stepping into the role of enabler and making excuses for him. Please be careful

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 15:28

I don't think that is reason to ditch him but i am taking onboard what you have said and i will make sure, i will not let him make me feel guilty or stop me from going out,I can't just give him up for that, when most of the time he is loving and caring, Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 15:29

Aussieng - I know what you are saying but he would never hit me, i know that.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 15:32

wow, you have the chacne to walk away from a jealous controlling man and you're not

this will not end well.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 15:35

He is not controlling, he get's jealous that's all, who doesnt?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 07/04/2010 15:36

Almost anything triggers an argument? After two months??

For the love of christ get out now before it all gets messy and complicated.

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 15:42

i don't , neither does DH, it is a destructive and awful energy wasting emotion

you were concenred enough to ask the question

he did not want you to go out with a friend in case there was man there ... that is controlling, he wants you to be with him all the time, so he can keep an eye

sounds suffocating and after 2 months, when it is hard going and complicated and full of arguments, why are you sticking around for more

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 15:43

Honestly, is that what you all think?

Maybe, i have painted him in a bad light but he isnt like this all the time, apart from being jealous sometimes that is his only flaw, he is loving and caring and i do know he would NEVER hit me.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 15:45

""It's not even anything, we talk about day to day thing's and he doesnt want me to go on my own with this friend because she is meeting a man, almost anything trigger's a argument and he think's every man is going to try it on with me. '

This will continue... almost anything triggers an aruments, and he thinks every man will try it on with you

sounds awful

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 15:46

yes honestly
in your shoes i would run for the hills

cheerfulvicky · 07/04/2010 15:49

He sounds just like my ex who was a complete NUTCASE! However, its hard to walk away from someone, even if they are behaving in rather worrying ways, if they make you feel all squishy inside. I know this.

My advice would be the same though, in any case: get out now. Or he will imperceptibly edge in on your sanity until you are questioning everything you do, or think. Until you are a shadow of the person you used to be, and you haven't got the strength to leave anyway. Until the emotional scars are so bad, that even leaving the relationship won't be enough to rebuild your shattered self esteem, which could take years.

But, yeah - he's probably lovely and we're all just being paranoid! Hopefully.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 15:52

No he isnt a nutcase just insecure, i have been with a abusive man and he isnt like him.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 07/04/2010 16:00

I fyou are sure he is just a bit insecure (and I'm not doubting that btw, you know him, we dont) then what was the head/heart question all about?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2010 16:02

thesunshine, you know you asked the orignal question because you felt you couldn't trust your own judgement?

You can't trust your own judgement.

Sorry.

Almost everything triggers an argument, he's insecure, he's making it uncomfortable for you to go out alone. These are ALL red flags.

One of the classic things that women from abusive relationships do is say, this one's not as bad therefore it's okay.

It's not okay.

My husband of 11 years wouldn't blink an eyelid at me going out with my male, goodlooking, ex-boyfriend best friend for an evening tete-a-tete in a wine bar. We did that regularly for years before I had DD and he moved away. You have been seeing this guy for two months, there's constant arguments, he's expecting you to make amends for his last girlfriend who apparently cheated on him, he assumes all guys are going to make a move...

badbadbadbadbad

But that's not what you were looking for maybe. What were you looking for?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 16:02

Well, just if i was making more out of his Behaviour than i should of been, but to be honest the answer's are not the one's i was looking for. I can't ditch him.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 07/04/2010 16:04

So dont ditch him then.

You dont need to justify it to anyone else

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 16:05

why can't you????

did you really think based on what you said, you would get wholehearted endorsement

i am not in an abusive relationship, i think i have a good measure of what is a normal healthy relationship and what you have posted is ringing serious bells with me

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 16:05

tortoiseonthehalfshell - reasurance that i was just over thinking it a bit to much.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 07/04/2010 16:08

Lulumaam - When we are not arguing he is perfect,gorgeous,caring and loving the only issue is him been Jealous and surely we can work through it.

OP posts:
Kathyjelly · 07/04/2010 16:09

Instinct always. It's proved to be pretty good.

Lulumaam · 07/04/2010 16:10

i disagree entirely, from what i have seen of other friends in relationships with similar men

one of the most jealous partners was teh most unfaithful person i have ever had the misfortune to meet

jealousy can't be wrked through, unless you have serious amounts of oucples therapy and the point is 2 monhts in, you are arguing a lot about every little thing

he thinks every man will be after you and by default you will go off with them

mistrust and jealousy will tear you apart

Kathyjelly · 07/04/2010 16:19

So your instinct says there's something not right but you think he's worth the trouble. Well, I guess the best thing is to decide about how you would like to spend your week... meeting friends one night, visiting family one night, one night on your own and with him the other nights. Sick to it and see how he reacts. And then do it again next week and the week after.

Either he will settle down as he comes to trust you or he'll get worse. And then you'll know.