Childish......but not sure what to do

[shinyblackgrape]

I'm a long-term lurker who could really do with some advice. I really can't get perspective on this so have posted here rather than being flamed in AIBU!

Background story is that DP is a keen Formula 1 fan. Secondly, he had an operation two weeks ago to remove a cyst from the top of his bum. It is healing well and he has been able to go to work each day and since the operation. He has also been able to drive to Harrogate (from Manchester) to visit his parents and back which is a drive of about two hours each way.

Now to the issue in hand (you are probably wondering how bum cysts and F1 are linked)......DP suggested (post op) that we go to Glasgow to visit my parents next weekend. We have both taken the Friday off work to go and parents have made various arrangements for meals with relatives - including my 87 year old granny.

My cousin, her husband and her little (1 year old) boy live in Edinburgh. I re-located down to Manchester from Scotland about two years ago; really at DP's instance as he wasn't keen to move to Scotland. Since then, he and I (together) have probably been back to visit about 7 times so I am not making him go up to Scotland ever second weekend.

My cousin and her husband know my partner and all get on well. My cousin suggested that we come to Edinburgh and stay the night with them and go out on the Saturday night as it is her husband's birthday. We would also get to see her little boy. On Friday night, my best friend suggested we meet her partner and her for dinner.

I came home tonight to discuss these plans with DP. To be told (huffily) "It's the Formula 1 that weekend. If we stay the night in Edinburgh on Saturday, I wont be able to watch the F1 on the Sunday". DP is now trying to turn matters round by saying that, in fact, he feels that he couldn't go to Scotland that weekend as he couldn't sit in the car (although he had no problem this weekend sitting for hours watching the F1 or driving to Harrogate and sitting around for hours at his parents). However, as an alternative, we could go this weekend instead.

I'm thoroughly pissed off with him (although I have managed to remain calm) as I feel that he suggested that we go that weekend. Therefore, why should I have to now inconvenience my parents etc (who actually have a very active social life) and ask them tto unpick all the arrangements. Separately, I would actually really like to go out with my cousin and her husband on his birthday. We are very close and a big regret of mine in living in Manchester is that I miss out on lots of these kinds of occasions. Further, I can't work out how he would be able to drive to Glasgow and back in two days this weekend without it affecting his health but couldn't manage next week over a three day period (he also has the Wed and Thurs off before so could rest then)

I am contemplating just going on my own and saying he feels to ill to come but then everyone would wonder and worry as to why I had left him on his own.

Re-reading this, the issue probably appears increadibly childish but I am upset about it. We have been together for 4 years and I knew that he was a keen sports fan when we met. However, the F1 has become a real passion/obsession over the last two years and I feel that I didn't sign up for that!

How do you suggest I handle?

he is being a twat

you need to either say look, YOU suggested this weekend, it is all arranged and i am not stiting around doing nothing while you stare at the tv

if he can't sit in the car that weekend how come he can do it a week earlier? makes no sense. tell him to grow up. point out the other trips if necessary.

then offer him a choice. he can either come with you, which you would like, and enjoy the weekend and tape the bloody F1

or, he can behave like a child and you will go alone and explaint hat he couldn't come because he had a tantrum over watching some cars.

yep, yep, as thisisyesterday says!

Dont allow his selfishness to get in the way of your plans.

I'm in a similar situation re being away from family and missing events etc so totally understand why this is important to you.

I would just remain calm with him nd say "This is important to me. I would love you to come but I'll leave that up to you, either way - I'm going".

He's being an utter twat but if his own conscience isn't enough to make him buck up his ideas then there's no point in trying to force him - he'd only act as though you were the unreasonable one.

Let him get on with it and you make your own plans.

The annoying thing is that my parents are more than happy for him to watch the qualifying at their house on the Saturday and my cousin's husband likes F1 too so would be delighted to watch it with him on the Sunday. I have explained all of this to him.

I have decided that I am definitely going. Am wondering about the meal out on the Saturday as might be a bit weird just the three of us. Separately, I'm not sure what to tell people about why he is not there....I'm alternatively sad and angry that he has put me in this position

it's crap isn't it?

i am taking my 3 children on holiday alone this year because "d"p had a hissy fit over how he hates holidays so much
last year i made him come with us and he moaned the entire time

i really struggle with whether to force him toi come, and then have to put up with him making everyone miserable, or whether to let him be and do it myself and have a nice time, all the while resenting the fact that he doesn't want to come

bah!

Tell them the truth why should you lie you aren't being the twunt?

Hope you have a fantastic time and don't worry about the meal, I often go out for meals with my dp and another friend, albeit they're usually single but no matter, you'll enjoy it.

So glad you're being strong, it annoys me so much when I read people moaning on, getting advice then bending to suit the man. Well done you

Jeremy - that is exactly how he is acting. Also calling me "selfish" for expecting him to come despite the fact that I have offered to drive and/or pay for train tickets for us if he would prefer that. Cousin and husband are also "selfish" for not coming to visit us - despite the fact that my cousin has either been pregnant or had a small baby for the entire period we have lived together.

If it wouldn't upset my parents, I would consider telling him that he has to call and tell them we aren't coming that weekend.

I'm determined not to get in to a shouting match re this as I am actually finding it really upsetting but just worried about what to say to people.

What is also upsetting me (although this is not his fault) is that I have planned a surprise 30th birthday party for him and all of my family are travelling down from Scotland (including my 7 month pregnant sister and my cousin and her baby etc) and have booked in to hotels etc. I can't help but constrast their attitude with his and finding it sorely lacking.

That just adds insult to injury...I know he doesn't know about the party but even so just shows how selfish he's being.

Is he usually like this? Or is it just when F1 fever starts?

To be fair to him, it is usually when the F1 fever hits.

We aren't married yet but I think a proposal is on the cards. I must admit that I am worried about how children etc will tie in with the F1 isshoos.

He watches all qualifying and the race at least twice so it is really the whole weekend taken up

I don't want him to not watch it but I do want him to be reasonable; particulary as he suggested that weekend himself.

I feel like developing a sudden obsession with tennis and using that as an excuse not to go to family events with him but obviously wouldn't as that would be childish and unreasonable and I don't like tennis!

All the advice I have had has been really good so am definitely going and will give him the option of coming. Apart from that, I'm not discussing it.

Ok glad to hear it's just F1 then

At least you aren't a golf widow or footy widow I suppose?

You sound very level headed, good for you!

I'm trying to be level headed as normally I'm a bit of a shouter but I can't have a logical conversation with him as he is being so irrational about this so just see it ending is shouting (his) and tears (mine).

Oh well....hope the F1 is worth it!

Still not quite sure what to say to family and friends though to excuse his absence. Parents will be particularly surprised/worried as he suggested the dates to them.

Just say he wouldn't leave the F1 and make sure he knows you won't lie for him, why should you?

Off to bed now hope it all gets sorted in your favour, night.

Hmmm....things not working out very well. I asked him this morning (calmly) whether I should book train tickets for myself to go to Glasgow at the agreed weekend?

Before I got the chance to say to him that I would like him to come, he started shouting at me that "people" (not sure who they are) are "disgusted" with my selfishness and he is now having to re-consider his options as to whether he actually stays with me due to my "selfish agenda".

I'm pretty gob-smacked about all of this to be honest but have decided that I think he is actually obsessive about the F1 and has no intention of compromising at all regarding it. That being the case, anyone who "attacks" that position (as he sees it) will be attacked back.

However, as he is completely irrational about it, I can't discuss it with him. Separately, I am NOT going to be held to ransom with the threat of him leaving me (I can't believe that it has actually come to this - we live together and have bought a house together FGS).

I have looked at the F1 calendar today and noticed that the weekend of the surprise part is actually an F1 weekend. Therefore, I think that what I will do (tomorrow - when I feel calmer) is call his mum and (more in sorrow than in anger) say that I have totally misread the situation and there is no way that he would actually enjoy the party as the F1 is on and his top priority is to watch all of that uninterupted. The party would stop him doing that, so it wouldn't be fair to do that.

I'm hoping that she might be able to talk some sense in to him. I feel stunned by this TBH but if think that if he decides to leave then so be it....

Any thoughts on what to do/what I plan to do?

I'm so sorry it's worse this morning, I read this thread last night but didnt have anything useful to contribute (still don't actually )

Do you think he's serious about leaving and your 'selfishness' or just sounding off?

I really hope he comes to his senses and realises what this could cost him, I think you sound lovely and waaaay better than F1 seriously though I really hope this resolves itself in a way that makes you happy

Thank you immortal - your post was so nice I nearly started howling at my desk!

I spoke to my mum this morning and she is usually very level headed and never criticises him (or me) just tries to make me see his side of things. However, she was pretty shocked by this and it is the first time I have ever heard her say that he is absolutely wrong.

I feel angry about this as I knew that he liked watching (all) sport and I knew he really liked F1 too when we moved in but he was never as obsessive about it as he is now. If he had been there is NO WAY that I would have continued the relationship.

Part of the reason that I posted here was to get another perspective as he had started to make me doubt whether I was being reasonable or not. I'm not sure who it is that he has spoken to that say that I am not being

He is being a dick and You should probably consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who considers you as basically less important than him. It;s not that he is putting a televised sporting event ahead of you, it's that he is behaving as though only he matters and that you are an accessory.
If he has enough good features to make him otherwise worth putting up with, you have to explain to him that if he wants to watch F1, he can do so but that you are not going to change your arrangements or be inconvenienced by it and you will just go to things without him - and say to everyone that he isn't there because he wants to watch sport on the television. Be completely calm with him about it and say that it's up to him whether he watches the television or attends a social event, and you are not going to nag him but you are not going to cover up for him either.

SGB - are you my mum?!

That is exactly what she said.

I do really need to think about whether I want to continue things though with him. I will just keep doing my own thing but, to a certain extent, I suppose that just gives him exactly what he wants.

I thought we had similar views etc in that family comes first (usually) so don't really want a life where I go to things on my own and everyone thinks "Oh, poor Grape...her DH isn't at the wedding as he is watching F1 at home".

The problem with the F1 is that there are just so many f**cking races...grrrr...

He is having a tantrum. Treat him like the toddler he is behaving like. Go to Scotland and ignore him. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and realise his twattery. If not, then perhaps its time to think about where you come in his list of priorities. Being down the list from meoooow cars would seriously piss me off.

Don't entertain his t**tish behaviour, that way he knows you will not put up with it

Its horrible and selfish, I would really reconsider the relationship just because its definitely going to be a continuing issue unless he agrees to compromise

you sound like you've been really reasonable, I hope he comes to his senses !

Basically, it could go one of two ways if you simply let him watch his precious telly and enjoy events without him. Either he will realise what a knob he's being (particularly as, when you are cheerfully truthful about why he's not there, other people may well tell him what they think of him) and be embarrassed into behaving like an adult - or you will decide that you don't want to be with such an immature selfish knob any more. So really it's a win-win situation for you.

Wow just read the whole thread I'm speechless. You're both adults, why can't you go to Scotland to see your friend and go out for their birthday and he stays at home to watch F1 all weekend? Although as you state, he could have watched it up there

I think he's just angry and doesn't mean what he's saying. Is he used to normally getting his way?

Go anyway, don't let his guilt tripping and controlling behaviour stop you. I'd personally try not to be rude about him to mutual friends/ family whilst up there and just say he really wanted to watch F1 and relax whilst his bum is healing

You can go to Scotland with him another time.

I say let him cool off and leave him to it, try not not discuss it too much more, as it's obviously highly emotive. The fact is you WANT to go and he can come another time IMO.

Always like SGB advice though too...

Poor you and well done for not letting him 'get' his own way in this as you say childish tantrum.

As your mum knows already, and maybe his by now, I think telling him you will be going and telling everyone why is your next step.

He will either do the right thing or you will be sorely disappointed in him.

Whichever way this goes it is far better you know how he is now than later.#

Wow my DH is a F1 fan as is my Dad and I am shocked by this. In my DH's case we have Sky+ for a reason and my Dad is old school and tapes it because they realise that being a weekend event it is bound to clash with some things so they watch it later.

Your "D"P needs a good kick up the bum (as it will hurt all the more post op)

Thanks all.

Teaandcake - take your point. The only reason I was expecting him to come was that he suggested going on these dates to my parents as he said to them it would be nice to see them.

My granny is expecting to see both of us etc. I would be less pissed of if he had made it clear from the word go that he didn't want to go rather than him arranging the trip at his instance and then backing out due to reading the F1 calender wrongly. That seems rude to me.

However, will definitely be going alone and he can stay at home and do whatever he needs to be. I will also be taking the tips from the thread and just be truthful and tell people that he wanted to watch the F1 uninterupted and in his own house only.

Will definitely be cancelling the party though. Not out of spite but because he really wouldn't enjoy it as it would eat in to the F1.

Shiny As is always the case with things like this, his behaviour is probably the tip of the iceberg - and in your shoes I would be very worried about committing further to this man.

His reaction to you this morning speaks volumes - he is somehow making this your fault for reacting in a perfectly reasonable, normal way.

Imagine if you had DCs - how much help would this man be if a nappy change/DS's football match/christening clashed with a F1 event? At the moment you can up sticks and please yourself. You will however be very resentful if you have to go to lots of events on your own, struggling with the attendant paraphernalia that comes with transporting kids around. What then?