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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

sleeping with the enemy

124 replies

sadposter · 05/04/2010 18:54

I really need help. My H was kind and loving. He had a lot of anger issues from his childhood and he went to counselling to try and sort this. His behaviour at times could be very erratic and he was diagnosed with a mood disorder/depression. I knew life would never be easy with him but I did love him and he was very loving to me most of the time. At times he could be very abusive but I learned to not react and when they passed he would be very apologetic.

Before the recession we lived a fairly affluent lifestyle. I mention this because it's relevant I think. I began to suspect he may be messing around with other women. Anytime I confronted him he swore on dc's lives that he wasn't and that he adored me. Over time with a lot of detective work I discovered a whole other world of foreign prostitutes. Worse he set up a lot of these women in brothels and was making money from them.

I confronted him and told him to get out of the house or I'd expose him to everyone. He told me I was sick to think him capable of that. He denied everything and said he'd been set up. When I insisted he left he became very violent and in the end the police had to drag him from the house. He's never forgiven me for calling the police and insists that none of the above is true.

I began to question my sanity and thought I'd made him violent by my accusations. The police confirmed that it was true and I also had it confirmed from other sources. Still I could question it and wonder were they all wrong and was it possible he was innocent.

Since I exposed all of this the only way I can describe his behaviour is evil. He has tried to destroy me in so many ways.

I feel so broken that I had children with this man and that my marriage was a lie. I have no family support and have lost most of my support network as he has told they all lies about me. That I was only with him for money type thing and that I threw him out for no reason. I have told no one the truth because I want to protect the children.

He takes the children when it suits him and spoils them rotton. They get everything you could imagine which is the opposite to how I wanted them raised. I am struggling to make ends meet. He won't have them overnight or help in any practical way. He will only take them for a few hours to do fun stuff. The children think he's great.

I feel I am getting worse and worse. I do not want my children in his world but what can I do. I feel huge grief about everything. I don't want revenge but lately I really want to expose him. He now wants to take the children on holiday with his sister and I am really tempted to tell her everything. I hate leaving them go but is it right to punish them or him for his lifestyle?

I am sorry this is so long. I don't know how I'm ever going to recover from this. How will I ever get over the sadness and betrayal. I am constantly physically sick over all this. He is still involved in prostitution. Help

OP posts:
donnie · 05/04/2010 19:01

if all of the above is true then you need a lawyer right now to draw up some parameters. Why is he not paying you maintenance? if he is involved in immoral earnings stuff then surely he would have been prosecuted - you said yourself the police confirmed he was doing this. if your ex is the bastard you say he is then why are you protecting him? all sounds a bit weird to me.

leoleosuperstar · 05/04/2010 19:03

I totally understand you wanting to protect your children.

I agree - you need to see a lawyer (if you have a low income you will be entitled to legal aid).

How does he explain his income to family etc?

Where are you family?

Have the police taken any action against him?

What do you want from this situation now?

AnyFucker · 05/04/2010 19:07

If any of this is actually true, then my only advice to you is expose him

anything less is colluding in criminal activity and exposing your children to this lifestyle is neglectful on your part

sorry to be harsh...but you did ask

sadposter · 05/04/2010 19:12

I have a solicitor and am going through a divorce. He has his own business aswell so the earnings would be explained through this. This is why I wouldn't have suspected anything. I am trying to be very careful about what I post because the issues are so serious. The police have said they are investigating him but for various reason I suspect nothing will ever come of this. My sister was killed in an accident two months ago so there is no way I can burden my parents with this.

OP posts:
sadposter · 05/04/2010 19:15

Anyfucker, I did expose him. I told the police everything. I am a regular but terrified of being outed. This is all true.

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 05/04/2010 19:39

This is an incredible story.

It sounds almost too incredible to be true but then sometimes incredible things do happen in RL.

It sounds to me that there are three key issues here:

  1. your children are being exposed to someone that they should not be exposed to
  2. you are shouldering all of this alone with no RL support
  3. ultimately he may not be prosecuted

So essentially you need to work through a way to deal with all three. I would pick on number 2 first to be honest as you will need to be strong to deal with this situation and you won't by carrying it alone. So think hard now please and tell who you can talk to about this in RL.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 05/04/2010 19:40

"tell us"

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 05/04/2010 19:43

FWIW, if I posted my DS's birth story on here it would read like an episode of 'Eastenders'. Real life really can be stranger than fiction.

OP, definitely make sure you are getting the best legal advice you can get. Ask them what you should do. Surely you can restrict his access to the children if his activities put them in danger?

sadposter · 05/04/2010 19:47

Thanks, I have been going to counselling and one of the police officers has been very helpful. I was waiting for him to be prosecuted but I do now fear this is never going to happen. My solicitor has said he is legally entitled to see the children. I am in hell with this. My hands are tied and I can't find peace.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 05/04/2010 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 05/04/2010 19:54

sugar...why did you think that people would disagree with your comment that this man is not a good influence on his children ??

OP...you said "I have told no-one the truth because I want to protect the children"

Which is it...you have exposed him...

Or you haven't ?

And you are not protecting the children by protecting him, are you ?

You are exposing them to a criminal..in what world is this "protection" ??

sadposter · 05/04/2010 19:55

Thanks, solicitor and police know everything I know. My solicitor told me he has full rights to the children. I cannot stop access. I wouldn't be able to sell house in the current market so moving is not really an option.

OP posts:
sadposter · 05/04/2010 19:59

Anyfucker, sorry I know people are struggling to believe this but it is really true. I meant I hadn't told anyone on a personal level as in friends or family. In actual fact I did try to tell a member of his family but she didn't believe it. She no longer has anything to do with me now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2010 20:04

Tell the world

It doesn't matter if his family disown you

They are obviously scumbags too

What about friends and famiy of your own ? Do they all disbelieve you too ?

sadposter · 05/04/2010 20:05

Anyfucker, my sister died two months ago. I have no other family and I can't bring myself to tell my parents.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 05/04/2010 20:10

Not this one either!

StrawberriesAndCherries · 05/04/2010 20:12

You can either carry this burden on your own and cope as you are or what AF says. What have you to lose by telling everyone? It appears you cant lose what you haven't got (support) and you never know, support sometimes come from the unlikeliest of places.

Your children will learn sooner or later and I totally get your wanting to protect them. But sometimes they can take on more than we give them credit for (as my 11yr old told my mum recently when I was trying to protect her from thing!)

And your parents would I am sure hate to think of you coping alone. Despite their obvious sadness about your sister i am sure they will want to be there for you

sadposter · 05/04/2010 20:21

Strawberries, thank you. I just can't do it to my parents, they are barely functioning as it is. I know it will appear that I am always changing my story but please bare in mind that I am very distressed. I have told two of my own close friends. Anyfucker, please don't jump on me I'm very fragile. You must remember that until recently I really did not believe it was true. My children are all under 10 so I can hardly tell them.

I was desperate for a bit of support when I posted this. I am nearly regretting it now as I just feel even more physically sick. This is my life and I honestly don't know how I'm going to get out of this mess. My children are all sitting in front of me watching tv and I am struggling to not cry. If I exposed him publically I would be terrified of what he might do. I do not want my children hurt any further.

OP posts:
sadposter · 05/04/2010 20:24

Anyfucker, his family are all "respectable" members of society. They know he's got major issues and that we split to do with this but I think they do not want to get involved.

OP posts:
StrawberriesAndCherries · 05/04/2010 20:35

sadposter, it is an awful situation you have going on. Can you talk more with your solicitor and get their advice about his behaviour and your rights?
If you really cant stop him then the only thing you can do is keep the dcs as safe and feeling as secure as possible and from what you say as he has rights to see them and his life style isnt stopping that, you are doing your best. One day at a time, that is what I have learned a lot, one day is enough for you to cope with xx

teaandcakeplease · 05/04/2010 20:36

Sadposter - Are you anti depressants? As well as counseling, I don't normally advocate pills but with the stress you are under, you may need more than just counseling right now. Sick with worry rings alarm bells with me. You need some help from GP as this is no way to live

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Is there a way supervised contact can be agreed in divorce proceedings? Such as only seeing them at his parents house with them present?

I protected my husband from people for a long long time for his betrayal to me and since I finally started to be more honest, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and liberated. Perhaps rather than give the whole story, you can use a more condensed version? But you need real life support from people right now.

I completely understand why you haven't told your parents but you need RL support even if not from them but others.

I do think you need to talk about your anxiety and panic to GP though. Trying to keep a brave face on for DCs I know all about. It's really hard, you need all the help you can get from friends and GP.

Where do you live?

teaandcakeplease · 05/04/2010 20:38
  • on anti depressants
sadposter · 05/04/2010 20:56

Strawberries, thank you so much for believing me. My solicitor says my hands are tied unless he was prosecuted. She investigated my allegations herself and said that it is true. My solicitor can't get involved in this as it's a criminal matter. The message I'm being given is that I've to ignore what I know he's doing.

Tea, thanks. I'm getting a lot of counselling. I don't want to go down the route of anti depressants. I don't want to give the wrong picture. On the outside things are going along fine my children have a very happy home life. My anxiety is more in bouts when I allow myself to think about it all. Access was initially supervised due to the violence with the police and me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2010 21:47

you mustn't regret posting and asking for support

but do not get aggrieved if people cannot understand why you would expose your dc's to criminal activity

I could not condone that...and neither should you

find a way to get support in RL...relying on his family is not obviously the way

and if you think your children's lives are going on as normal...then carry on as you are

living a lie

sadposter · 05/04/2010 21:57

Anyfucker, I have told you over and over again that legally I cannot keep him away from the children. He took me to court for access but his criminal activity was not allowed be mentioned due to him not being prosecuted. I am trying to protect the children NOT him. The reason I am sick is because I do NOT condone what he is doing or my children benefitting from that money.

OP posts:
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