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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why won't he do this?

48 replies

carocaro · 05/04/2010 00:39

Get fit, loose some weight, go see the doctor about his snoring.

He sleeps on the sofabed in the playroom and has done for 3 years.

Why am I even writing this message? I have written on MN about it before.

I have begged and begged him to do something. He/we have tried all the stuff.

Why can't he do this for himself let alone me?

I want my DH in my bed and a good relationship.

WHY????????????????????????????????????????/

OP posts:
ilove · 05/04/2010 00:47

Because he isn't ready to lose teh weight for him.

Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 00:52

It's only a stone or so, I fucking sit of waiting!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 05/04/2010 00:53

because it's not an issue to him....after 3 years I really don't think he wants to do anything about it.

ilove · 05/04/2010 00:53

Well if it is only a stone then why have you got him sleeping elsewhere? Ask him to come back into your bed and show him you fancy him!

Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 01:04

Been their done all that.

He is sleeping elsewhere cos his snoring is so loud I can't sleep AT ALL and what with children waking up in the night, I had to get some sleep.

Not unreasonable?

Whereas being a lazy arsehole is!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 05/04/2010 01:13

Oh dear. It sounds like he is happy enough in his rut.

solo · 05/04/2010 01:18

My friend snapped when her exh refused to sort out his snoring...she divorced him; it was the last straw.

jasper · 05/04/2010 01:53

the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

SolidGoldBrass · 05/04/2010 02:36

Because he doesn't want to, caro. He's not sufficiently bothered by the fact that it bothers you, to change. And you can't force him to change, you can only change your own responses.

Tortington · 05/04/2010 02:41

onyl a stone though?

must be snoring the issue really?

GardenPath · 05/04/2010 02:55

@ Jasper ..hahahahahahah

Caro: Because he's a fat, lazy, complacent bugger. Now, Get yourself a really fit, much younger lover do your wifely duties and have him back in your bed.

Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 11:58

Wifely duties? WTF?

Has this forum gone back to the 1950's?

So I should just fuck him on a regular basis and get no sleep because I am his doormat, I mean wife?

SGB - please do tell how I can change my response to getting no sleep due to snoring, you must be a GENIUS, I'd love to know your answer!

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 05/04/2010 12:29

Can you imagine the response if a man had written that his wife needed to lose a stone before he would let her back in his bed?

He must feel so loved by you to have been made to sleep on the sofa bed for three years! If you really want a good relationship, I would suggest the first thing is to stop nagging him about losing weight, show him that you do love him and fancy him and yes, that does mean to sleep with him and maybe then he will want to try to sort out the snoring. As things stand, maybe he prefers sleeping alone in the playroom than to being with you.

Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 12:36

To the above poster, you have not HEARD a word I have said, it's not about loosing a stone so I will have sex with him in our bed, we have sex!

It's about health issues for both him and me. No one has said to me "yes you can't function without sleep" He does not feel rested due to the snoring, he feels tired due to it. The doctor has said he needs to loose a stone as it will help with the snoring.

You are seem very happy for me to be exhausted due to lack of sleep but all 'poor husband no sex for him' Where is the female support me for?

I just can't beleive the snap judgements and door mat attitude so many of you have, especially you above.

You husband must delighted in using you as a doormat and doing what he likes, he must feel so loved to have such a subserviant wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 12:41

If I needed to loose weight for a health issue and to help my relationship, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Not sleep on a sofabed for three years and do nothing. I would show my DH that he was important to me and our relationship needed this change for it to be better.

He is showing me no respect or love. We have been to the docs together, bought every rememdy there is but still no luck. I have done the supportive and loving bit and still nothing.

OP posts:
marantha · 05/04/2010 12:54

carocaro Your problem is one of the (many) reasons why I have decided my marriage is over- my husband has a snoring problem (has done for ages) he refuses to do anything about it. I try to sleep in the same bed but trying to get some rest next to a pneumatic drill is impossible.
The lack of intimacy has not helped at all. Your husband sounds a selfish sort, to be honest.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 05/04/2010 13:09

No one can understand the debilitating affect that snoring and lack of sleep can have on a marriage if they haven't suffered it. It's like having a newborn without the knowledge that this too shall pass. Because it bloody well won't unless the snorer takes some positive action. I live with a snorer and can't complain because he does work out, watch what he eats and has been to the GP re his snoring. It's much better these days and on bad days, I take myself off to the spare room. I need sleep for my sanity and for our marriage.

I really feel for you Caro and the only thing I can think is that you suggest counselling so he can try and understand the affect this is having on you.

Original poster
carocaro · 05/04/2010 13:16

Thank you so much for understanding, it's horrific and upsetting, will take your advice.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 05/04/2010 16:16

I would issue him with divorce papers and say that unless he gets the snoring sorted out by whatever means necessary (and its go to be more than just a stone of excess weight)HE GOES! Seriously - its going that way anyway.

He needs a massive wake up call (no pun intended)

EndangeredSpecies · 05/04/2010 16:26

There must be SOMETHING you haven't tried carocaro. I know exactly where you're coming from, I (or rather my dh) had this problem but amazingly it has cleared up. He used to be an absolute PITA about it, asking me what all the fuss was about and then wondering why i was snappy with him in the morning. I tried a combination of kicking as soon as I heard faint hint of snore, so he changes position in bed. Also cut out all red meat from his diet (by stealth obviously).

dunbreedin · 05/04/2010 16:50

Caro, I'm surprised at some of the responses on this thread. I'm going through the exact same thing as you; husband has been sleeping in the spare room for more than 3 years due to his snoring, but seems to view it as doing me a favour, instead of ruining the intimacy in our relationship. He is about 2 stone overweight, has high blood pressure, no interest in sex, and seemingly no motivation for changing. I wish I had some useful answers for you, but unfortunately all I can do is tell you you're not the only one going through this.

To the posters who seem to think it's something the non-snoring half of the relationship can solve, I do think you're sadly misguided. I miss the intimacy more than I can say, but I also know there's no way I can break up our family over something so petty. I detest being put in this powerless position, but the thought of explaining to my sons why we can't live with daddy anymore,(oh, and why we have to leave our home and move halfway round the world, because that's the reality of our situation) is completely unbearable.

EndangeredSpecies · 05/04/2010 16:55

dunbreedin (and OP), I think that's so sad. What do they say when you ask them to do something about it?

MollieO · 05/04/2010 16:57

Maybe you should change the sofabed for one that is less comfortable . Unfortunately unless he actually wants to do something about his weight loss and snoring I doubt there is little you can do.

TopanTail · 05/04/2010 16:59

Send him to GP for referral to a 'sleep clinic' or whatever they call it round your way- my DH has an appointment soon...thank god, he snores like a bloody tractor.

dunbreedin · 05/04/2010 17:08

Endangered - I've brought the subject up many times, and the outcome is always i) he will try and change/lose weight, ii) of course he still fancies me iii) he works very hard and it's not easy getting to the gym, blah blah. It is sad, because I can feel our intimacy slipping away and he doesn't seem to notice. I miss sex, and cuddling, and all the bloody normal things, and he seems to think everything is normal. I really wish I knew what to do. I read threads about people joking/complaining about how much their dh/dp wants sex and I feel so sad and envious.

Sorry OP, I know it's not a lack of sex thread; for me the two things are interlinked.