Why won't he do this?

[carocaro]

Get fit, loose some weight, go see the doctor about his snoring.

He sleeps on the sofabed in the playroom and has done for 3 years.

Why am I even writing this message? I have written on MN about it before.

I have begged and begged him to do something. He/we have tried all the stuff.

Why can't he do this for himself let alone me?

I want my DH in my bed and a good relationship.

WHY????????????????????????????????????????/

my dh never had a weight issue it was just the snoring, I used to lie there looking at him and think Urghhh how unattractive. Perhaps lead by example? Arouse jealousy? Tell him how many compliments you've had recently? Sounds like a case for Gillian whatshername the nutrition expert. Sometimes shock tactics are necessary?

He isnt doing anything about it because he DOESNT WANT TO!!
Simple really.

SolidGoldBrass sums it up. You can only control your reaction. I'd tell him first though.

Though it's possible that his weight has a bearing on his snoring, it could be that it has no effect on it at all and is a red herring.

My DH was a terrible snorer and we were also in the position of separate beds at one point (which we both hated). We tried all the over the counter remedies and eventually my DH went to the doctor who referred him to a sleep clinic straight away.

We were told that there are two types of snoring. One where the soft palate vibrates - this is the one that the over the counter remedies can work for sometimes - and one where the jaw falls backwards during sleep and which will not respond to any sprays, nasal strips etc.

For the vibrating palate snoring there is an operation where they scar the palate so that it no longer flaps and vibrates in the same way. For the falling back jaw snoring the simple answer is a device like a gum shield that is put in at night and keeps the jaw in a forward position, which stops that snoring.

My DH was put under general anaesthetic and the specialist said he snored straight away and that as soon as his jaw was moved to a forward position he stopped snoring. He was then referred to his dentist to measure up for a gum shield device and, I have to say, it works like a dream - though I wouldn't snog him with it in.

Please don't suffer with snoring, there are remedies if you are referred to the right place.

well if he's still getting the sex he probably doesn't have much incentive to change.

Carocaro: So the worst of it is the snoring? Have you tried ear plugs?

Sex - have it not very often.

Earplugs - no good, even the wax one, can still hear him, he vibrates the bed.

These people say 'change you reaction to it' have really FUCKED ME off, tell me how idiots, to sleep when someone snores so loud you can't sleep, tell me, share your precious wisdom!

donebreeding - you tell it how it is, I second all the things you say and about divorce, I'm leaving Daddy because he snores, yeah right. As you say it's not just the snoring, its the affect it has on intamcy, how you are with each other, what is says about the state of your realtionship, how the tension creeps into other areas of your life. If you don't live with a snorer you don't have a fucking clue, so piss off this thread!

He does not get it, looks like he never will. I give up. I am sure he will stil be on the sofa when the kids are older and will be able to deal with divorce better.

Carocaro - I know what you mean totally.

It IS the lack of sleep thing AND the lack of respect. My DP snores but apart from trying all the various over the counter chemist "remedies" (that don't work) and assorted internet devices (that also don't work) he does NOTHING. He's actually about 4-5 stone overweight which, in all honesty, isn't that attractive - though we do still have sex - yet does nothing about it and is, IMO, very greedy, eating far more than he actually needs (whilst complaining about his paunch at the same time). His lack of weight loss is blamed on the fact that he has "no time" to exercise, yet I lost 4.5 stone 3 years ago through diet alone and have kept it off through sensible eating so I know it can be done - it's not rocket science.

In the middle of the night I literally want to kill him. It's not just the loudness of the snoring, it's the cringe factor (makes my stomach turn) and of course the fact you are desperately tired yet can't get to sleep because this goes on night after night year after year. To add insult to injury he also grinds his sleep and talks in his sleep so all ways round my sleep is disturbed and I NEVER get a good night's sleep unless he's elsewhere.

Unfortunately, like Dunbreedin, my DP also views the fact of him sleeping elsewhere as doing me a "favour" rather than allowing me to replenish what is vital to good health. He gets offended if I ask him to go in the spare room straight off despite telling me to kick him out if he snores too badly. So .... what this means in reality is that I lay there for ages while HE falls asleep, trying to bear it, before finally nudging him ..... meaning there's little point in me going to bed at all and even when I ask him later to go I have sometimes been met with a mouthful of abuse (which he denies all knowledge of in the morning claiming to have been half asleep). For him, the separate rooms thing isn't about preserving my health but about my "rejection" of him .... as if it is my "duty" to be sharing a bed with him. Okay, I get that in an ideal world, it's nice to fall asleep cuddled up together etc but not when one of you has no chance of an undisturbed night. When I do eventually fall asleep I can guarantee waking up at least 3 to 4 times more - it's bloody ridiculous.

I have begged my DP to speak to the GP about this but despite managing to go often enough about all manner of triviality he always "forgets". In truth, he doesn't want to be told to lose weight or stop smoking - which he will inevitably be before anything more invasive like surgery is offered. That pisses me off hugely and it is that fact that turns me off more than his physical appearance. He'll shrug and say "I can't help it" but that hardly makes it alright does it ? There are lots of unpleasant conditions people can't help but they don't usually inflict them on others do they and most would do all they could to minimise the effects on others. Whilst typing all this I actually feel he is being hugely selfish, and whilst I know you're coming at this from a slightly different angle I do actually envy you in a strange way (though I don't mean to be flippant and do understand your concerns) because it'd suit me down to the ground if my DP stayed permanently in the spare room and accepted that we wouldn't be sharing a bed until he'd sorted himself out (or genuinely tried to). What he does is ask me if I want him to sleep with me that night yet if I say - absolutely truthfully - that no I don't as I am exhausted, I (often) get sulks, sarcasm and slamming doors .....

..... like MY lack of sleep is less important than his fucking EGO ! It doesn't matter how tired I look, how tired I say I am or how often I drop off on the sofa, he still wants to impose (that is how it feels) himself and his snoring on me. I have lain awake until 5am sometimes crying ..... another tactic he uses to detract attention from the fact he should be doing something is to say why don't I go to the spare room, but as this room also doubles up as a room for my stepdaughter, it somehow doesn't feel right that I sleep there IYWIM, and in any case, it's HIS problem.

Sorry to have ranted on but I do understand and it's no laughing matter or trivial concern. Oh yeah, and earplugs don't work AT ALL and they are uncomfortable (have tried all sorts) ..... again, it all boils down to these men refusing, almost as a point of principle, to try and sort things out. It feels like a battle of wills - like they're saying why should they put themselves "out" for you ..... and of course, they're not really bothered 'cos they're not the ones getting no sleep (though I can't believe it doesn't affect their quality of sleep too).

I can well believe it leading to divorce.

grinds his teeth in his sleep

Sorry, Carocaro - the 'wifely duties' was meant to be ironic (my strike-outs don't work). I do feel for you.

Wow, I was going to post with some sympathy but if you're this vitriolic and arsey in real life I can see why he prefers to sleep away from you

i can see why she's vitriolic

she's being driven insane

Maybe so but there's no need to be so rude to posters who are offering advice, people post about situations much worse than this without feeling the need to be so nasty to those offering advice

I really feel for the OP and other partners of snorers on this one. My dh used to have a real snoring problem and there is little more frustrating than lying in bed night after night feeling absolutely shattered whilst your partner, clearly asleep is rattling the windows, and there is absolutely nothing you can do. I think part of the problem is that most people really have no idea how loud they are and what a problem it is. Snoring is not a constant sound that you can ignore like white noise, it is often arrhythmic with snorts and whistles mixed in, can be really concerning if your partner appears to stop breathing every now and then and it totally cuts through ear plugs. My dh also used to get very angry if I accidentally woke him up by trying to move him (he is very big so it is very difficult to get him off his back) so then I'd lie there hating him too, so by the time I lost it I probably wasn't very kind. I think it is very destructive on relationships, but as it seems such a trivial thing it is very difficult to tackle.

I'm afraid don't have any constructive ideas, if you can't get a referral without your dh losing the weight (with dh it was smoking) just sympathy. I don't think you are being vitriolic btw, just justifiably fed up.

Not for nothing is sleep deprivation used as a torture device. And as someone said previously, unlike with babies and toddlers, there is NO light at the end of the tunnel unless the snorer does ALL they can to reduce or stop it (and accepts that if they can't be totally cured, their "bruised pride" at separate rooms HAS to take 2nd place to the absolute NECESSITY of a regular good night's sleep for their partner) or, you separate.

When someone refuses to face up to the issue properly, it IS like saying that you don't matter .... that your health doesn't matter. Continual - over years and years - disturbed sleep totally affects your day to day life - your energy levels, your patience, your ability to get involved (or not) with all sorts of social activities (because you feel exhauted and washed out), your concentration AND, I am also convinced relentless tiredness affects your physical health and your ability to cope with any problems because you're so run down.

My partner probably does have no idea how bad he is ..... though he has been told, not just by me, but by his kids, his mother, his friends and just about anyone else who's ever shared a room with him. Even recording 5 minutes of the noise doesn't really get through ..... so what ? it's 5 minutes, ..... you can't record 6 hours of it and play that back to them can you ? Nor can you replicate the sheer frustration, fury, nausea (because you feel so exhausted) and frustration experienced when lying next to a severe snorer for the umpteenth time in many years. I think part of my frustration is that my "complaint" is therefore trivialised and my concerns not taken seriously ...... like I am being mean, and/or exaggerating (but why the hell would I do that ?)

As Nooka said, this isn't white noise like background TV or even something like next door's lawnmower. Some of the snorts, hacks, gurgles, wheezes etc my partner makes turn my stomach .... imagine someone sounding like they're about to throw up or bring up a load of phlegm. Add to that the "traditional" snoring and he sounds like a tortured warthog (at best). There is no rhythm to it ..... it goes silent for a couple of minutes, you try to relax down into sleep, and then bam, there's a sudden outpouring of disgusting loud noise. The volume levels go up and down all the time too.

The thought of a) enduring this indefinitely and/or b) dealing with all the (pathetic and selfish IMO) "offence" caused by insisting on separate rooms permanently makes me terribly upset. In fact, if we go away and there isn't a spare room to fall back on, the prospect of disturbed sleep FOR CERTAIN and no escape, totally marrs the occasion before we've even started and my heart now sinks at the thought of going away. Conversely, if he's ever away on business I feel nothing except huge relief at finally getting some sleep.

All I can do is keep trying to get him to sort this out until every avenue has been exhausted, and then we can think about what to do next. But for me, if nothing's going to work, then he has to be realistic about sleeping separately (that doesn't mean no sex) because he can't expect me to survive on minimum sleep for the rest of my life ..... and if he can't/won't do that then I can't see any other way out of it other than to separate eventually.

I know I've gone off on a rant again - sorry - but this is SO not trivial and I totally understand what it's like to have a partner who doesn't even try properly to sort it out. It feels really contemptuous actually.

sorry if I'm repeating others, but have you tried telling him he might have sleep apnoea? It can actually be very serious as you momentarily stop breathing in your sleep

my dad has it, he has a CPAP machine (choose the first link, positive airway pressure) - problem solved.

I can't speak for the OP but in my case I have shoved various articles about sleep apnoea under my DP's nose many times .... well, not literally shoved, but "have you seen this in the paper ?" .... and they may be cursorily read, then filed away under "I'll mention it to the doctor next time I see him"

I honestly believe in MY DP's case that the prospect of him having to diet (or adopt healthy eating patterns) and give up smoking is the key. He simply doesn't want to do it

I feel your pain, and bizarrely was thinking about starting a very similar thread today, until I saw this.

DH is a terrible snorer. Has always been bad, but in the last 18 months or so has got much much worse and and I genuinely at the end of my tether about it.

He is a little overweight these days, and has asthma, which is particularly triggered/made worse by certain things - dust, feathers, red wine, certain beers. He has an inhaler, but 'tries not to use it' so tends to wake up overnight wheezing and coughing. If he gets the slightest cold or cough everything is magnified 10x. He does not exercise and doesn't do anything to try to reduce/managethe symptoms. Over the last few months things have been getting gradually more and more tense between us .

I try to go to bed early (10.30/11.00), to get some sleep before the nightmare begins.. (He tuts about this btw)

He then comes to bed about 11.30/12 and wakes me by blowing his nose/ clearing throat and coughing as he 'settles down'

I then get woken every 2-3 hours by the variety of strange noises he makes. If I am awake after 5 am I cannot get back to sleep, so end up lying there, resenting him..

He has a cold at the moment, so I haven't had more than 5 hours sleep a night for the last week or so (and no 'deep sleep') I am shattered and snapping at everyone.
This morning he woke up about 4.30 wheezing, and woke me by shaking his inhaler - I thought it was a bloody earthquake! - He then went promply back to sleep, and I lay there until about 5.15 when I went off to the bathroom and cried my eyes out because I am
a) so exhausted
b) so at a loss as to what to do

Whenever I try to broach the subject he gets and angry and defensive and tries to imply it's my problem for being too 'sensitive' or implies that I am being grumpy or unreasonable, or he turns on the 'rejected husband' routine.

Sex is non-existent. I am too knackered. Last time we had sex his nose dripped into my mouth. The whole nose/mouth/snoring thing is just such a turn-off.

Oh, and he expects me to wash his filthy handkerchiefs

Prognosis doesn't look good does it?

Strangely, the one thing that does seem to make it easier for ME to sleep is post sex. Not all the time, but fairly often ..... maybe it's the release of endorphins or whatever.

But unfortunately, this has also backfired on me because I get "well you know what the answer is don't you" .... i.e. have more sex, and that isn't possible EVERY night. So somehow the whole issue of snoring has also got caught up with sex, how often we do it - so there is an extra pressure there - and I also think the "offence" at separate beds is all tied up with sex too - his reasoning being that we're more likely to do it if we start off in the same bed.

So the whole bloody thing has become an emotional minefield but I feel bottom line that my SLEEP trumps all other considerations, important though they are. Obviously I am going to feel more like sex if I'm not exhausted and resentful AND, if I see that my partner cares enough about me to bloody well do something about his snoring.

I have no personal knowledge but I know my parents stopped sleeping in the same room when I went off to university almost 20 years ago as my Dad snored. At that time they were 50 and 46 - I don't know how old you are, but may just be time to accept that it's time to try separate rooms.

My parents have been in separate rooms for years too for the snoring/insomnia deadly combination.

All I can think of is to video the snoring as much as possible. My DH only snores after alcohol or when ill but even a few minutes of seeing himself snoring on the sofa shocked him .... and it was a quiet snore compared to some of his nights. Maybe clear hard evidence would be easier to focus on?

Much sympathy though, it is horrendous to be awake, desperate to sleep and unable to because the one you love is torturing you with sound ... while they get their night's sleep!

I was just watching something on the TV about lorry drivers with sleep apnoea. As MathsMadMummy posted above, they used a gadget that pushes more air into the sleeper's airways - if I understood correctly - anyway, it fixed the drivers. They were all very happy, and so were their wives

The programme said that snorers with apnoea actually stop breathing for 10-15 seconds before each snore, so they get very tired from oxygen starvation. And it's dangerous.

Is he more likely to look at the leaflet, if he knows it's the scourge of truck drivers??

Should have added: XH#1 was a monster snorer and I do sympathise. I used to sneak off to the spare room after he'd started snoring ... mind you, the spare room wasn't far enough away, he still woke me up!

With things like this, it's a good idea to record them. Even better if you can set up a webcam, though I guess you'd need an infra-red one for this. The apnoea looks quite frightening, it might jolt him into doing something about it ...

... I also have friends who divorced because of snoring (she just put it in the unreasonable behaviour box - one sentence.) After years of your both being totally knackered, the marriage can seem broken-down anyway (as you know.) Better if he gets one of those gadgets, though! Good luck.