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Original poster

Do you and your partner stay in contact when one of you is away/abroad?

55 replies

NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 13:35

I wonderedwhat your 'protocol' is?!

DP is away on a lads weekend (rubgy tour) this weekend. Left 6am Friday Morning. I have heard from him by text once to say he was boarding the ferry.

He knew 8mo DD was ill when he left - and that I was also coming down with the same thing. I don't know if it's just me, but 48 hours now, without a word. I'd like a text just to know he's not lying in a ditch somewhere!

I don't try to dictate what he does - he goes out much more than other friends, went away on stag weekend when I was heavily pregnant (and conveniently forgot his phone!) goes out lots of weekends etc.

To me it's just a lack of respect to not contact. The thing is, were it the other way around, he'd be having kittens if I hadn't let him know I got there OK etc....

(By the way, his phone definitely works abroad- he's updated his Facebook via mobile with pics/status updates since he's been there)

OP posts:
Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:35

I'm not totally comfortable with it - however I can accept that it's probably another drunken photo.

But I'm looking at that, knowing that DD and I were lying in bed, me feeling sorry for myself while we both had a vomitting bug.

Makes it much worse.
And I've lost respect for him.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandmrobama · 04/04/2010 14:36

He hasn't contacted you, but is updating his Facebook page via his mobile?

Ask him if he has anything to hide, and if he repeats the, 'what goes on tour, stays on tour' then you may want to have a heart to heart.

Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:37

Geek - no. However I've had no reason to doubt him in OUR relationship. Well, he text another woman once, at the beginning, but that was it.

Er, he has been unfaithful to every other partner he's been with though. Told me during a drunken argument.

I've been very stupid to think he could have changed haven't I.

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Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:39

Sorry didn't make that clear. He is allowed to text other women!! However, it was that kind of text to another woman. Wanting to meet up.

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Caz10 · 04/04/2010 14:41

If it wasn't for the FB updates I'd be saying just ignore him and forget about him- but taking the time to do that and not to call or text you is f*cking terrible imo. Hope you've left some comments!

GeekOfTheWeek · 04/04/2010 14:43

NotATwilightFan, it all sound suspicious to me. In your situation I would not trust this man.

Amongst other things he sounds thoughtless and immature.

Hope you are okay.

thumbchick · 04/04/2010 14:43

not stupid as such, NATF - no point starting a relationship with suspicion. But now might be the time to have a stiff talk with him - his behaviour is extrememly shoddy.

Presumably he knows this photo is up, and available to see by anyone, including you - if it were me, I'd be assuming that he wanted me to see it so I knew he was playing away without him having to confess.
Not good.

But... he's your OH - so your decision what you do - but start by asking him to be completely honest. Sounds to me like he "forgot" about you and DD the minute he left the shore. Not respectful or nice, or the sign of a loving DP.

Caz10 · 04/04/2010 14:47

Ps I speak as a rugby widow too - pre DD, DH went away a lot more, and I think my constant arguments over him failing to keep in touch were actually making things worse, so we agreed that neither of us were expected to be in touch when away/on nights out, in a "no news is good news" type of way. BUT that has totally changed post DD arriving and DH doesn't go away half as much anyway, but if he ever does he is expected to keep in very regular contact.

Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:48

I do feel he has conveniently forgotten his DP and DD.

I'm not sure he will know the photo is up yet. Didnt go on long ago, and was put on by a friend oh his.....

I don't want him home at the moment. He's due back late tomorrow night.

I dont' want to overreact either, but I think I've been a bit too trusting where he is concerned. Naively.

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Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:50

Its the first time he's been away away IYKWIM - and his chance to prove he's a responsible mature adult. I would say he's failed.

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Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 14:52

Should have said since DD was born.

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thumbchick · 04/04/2010 14:57

yup - I'd be putting a big black X on his report for this too, NATF.

As for what goes on tour, stays on tour - who TF does he think he is, one of ACDC/motleycrue or someone?? [shows age]

DuelingFanjo · 04/04/2010 15:25

What are the plans for him being picked up etc. If it were me I'd be off out doing something more interesting when he gets back, without leaving any indication of where I am. I mean why should he know where you are.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 04/04/2010 15:28

Are you FB buddies with friend? If so, couldn't comment something like, 'great shot. Remind me, was she at our wedding?'

emsyj · 04/04/2010 19:54

For us, a couple of brief texts in the day and a chat (usually at bedtime) in the evening is normal, but sometimes the bedtime chat doesn't happen (if work has gone on too late esp on work trips that involve dinner and drinks at close of a conference or summat). Have to confess tho that I went to New York with a friend year before last and had such a lovely (and busy) time that I only spoke to him once all week but I did text pics of where we were each day on the tourist trail!

emsyj · 04/04/2010 19:56

Oh poo, failed to read whole thread....

I would expect DH to be in touch if he was on a lads' weekend and anyone who says 'what happens on tour stays on tour' is a knob. Sorry.

SugarTits · 04/04/2010 20:00

What goes on tour stays on tour says it all. I used to do a job that involved lots of travelling and was amazed how many men would cheat, but it was 'ok' because it was away. There is no way I'd trust a man who said that phrase. I hope you're ok. What are you going to do?

Original poster
NotATwilightFan · 04/04/2010 21:22

I've spoken to him. Well I text him first. I said he was inconsiderate etc. He called and was on the defensive the whole conversation. I said it would have been nice to have known he arrived OK etc. He immediately jumped in with 'you seem to think all the blokes are on the pull' Seemed totally unrelated.

He was drunk by the way. He also said I had no right to get angry at him etc etc.

He was so well-oiled that I couldn't really get much out of him. Didn't ask about the picture. Am tempted to put the bolts on door tomorrow night and go to bed early.

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SugarTits · 05/04/2010 00:25

You poor thing. He's likely to be on a charm offensive when he gets home and reality hits (and he sobers up). He has a lot of explaining to do I'd say. Fwiw my dh wouldn't dream of not ringing or texting at the very least once a day. I hope you are ok.

kittya · 05/04/2010 00:32

Urgh, the what goes on tour stays on tour gets me everytime. All boys together and, hes not even in Take That.

Pixie1979 · 05/04/2010 16:30

Ok so let me get this straight...

This man thinks you are good enough for him to put his c**k in to... but he doesn't think you're worth a phone call???

You have carried his child for 9 months and only had his child 8 months ago... yet he doesn't think you're worth a phone call???

You and your 8 month old are pretty sick... and although he has still gone off on his 'lads weekend' ... he still doesn't think you're worth a phone call???

This man has managed to find the time to update his Facebook page, with insulting pictures of him with other women... yet he didn't think you and your child were worth a phone call???

Tell me... how does it get better than this???

The answer is... it won't... ever...

He has admitted to being constantly unfaithful and frankly, and this is my opinion from what has been said so far, this guy is taking the p*ss out of you.

Stop making excuses for this guy - he is not a decent man, at all. You need to get shot of him because really, it will not get better than this!

And for the record, I was in an 18 month 'relationship' quite a few years ago and tolerated and excused this persons bad behaviour. This person wouldn't bother to call me and was full of empty promises. I was never a priority in his life and I realised I never would be.

He never bothered to give me a present on my birthday (his birthday was the same day so no excuse for forgetting) and he couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone to make a phone call or send me a text. For Xmas he gave me a pen set (which I am sure he was given for free as a corporate gift through his work) and that was the last straw.

I stopped accepting the excuses and booted his sorry ass when I realised he was not the sort of person I wanted to waste any more time with.

Needless to say the next person who came along faced my better standards - he learnt the hard way and got the boot when he lied about sending me flowers on my birthday and came out with a load of excuses...

I do pick em... but there are many decent fellas out there but trust me... your one is not a decent man so my recommendation is to ditch him and quick.

He will, of course, come out with a load of crap about how he couldn't call you because...

he was with the boys
it was a lads weekend
he had no signal
he ran out of battery
his fingers fell off his hand and he couldn't dial the number

but basically, what he is telling you is that he doesn't give a sh*t about you and he doesn't think you are that important to him...

Now why would you wanna be with someone like that? Baby or no baby... life will be better without him!

The above may not be nice to read but someone has gotta spell it out!

NomDePlume · 05/04/2010 16:34

Yes, we do. We speak on average once a day when either of us is away (usually him for work reasons) and if calling is not practical or possible then we do text or email

moondog · 05/04/2010 16:35

I agree with Pixie.
What am immature knob he sounds.
Arsing about on Facebook but no thoguht for his sick child.
Attractive.....

My dh rings me every day and has done since he started working away 10 years ago. I sometimes find it a bit much but I know he wants to talk to me and hear about our children, regardless of where he is and what he is doing and for that I honour and love him.

Kiwinyc · 06/04/2010 17:11

Our 'protocol' depends a bit on how far away they are and what they're doing.

Usually we text each other just before getting on a plane and after arrival.

If its for work, no calls or texts are expected during business hours, but whoever is away tries to call home at around bedtime to say goodnight to the children and to arrange a later call between just me and him, or to agree that a later call isn't needed/wanted (cos the other's going to bed early, or working late or whatever). A few texts might be exchanged when either of us gets to bed but no matter if not.

If the other person is somewhere where there's a signficant time difference there may not be a bedtime call to the kids because it might fall in the middle of the business day, or at a generally inconvenient time to be able to call then. Instead we might try to do a skype video call once a day or every other day at a time mutually agreed by text. We don't call each other but we might have short IM discussion instead and swap daily emails instead.

I think your DP behaved like a knob BUT if I hadn't heard anything for a day I would have texted him then to say Hello only and expected some contact back. If he didn't bother to answer texts (and still did facebook updates) then he's an arsehole and deserves a good kicking when he gets home.

I think he didn't realise you were testing him and if you send pissed-off texts its no wonder you get a defensive attitude back. Men aren't mind readers - tell him the rules up front - 'Can you text when you arrive, Can you call me at 9pm or when you wake up so I don't have to worry about you, etc etc.' I don't necessarily think its lack of respect for them not to contact you - just that they don't understand how important it is to you that they contact you iyswim...

Yes, you have every right to expect him to contact you, and no, its not how my DH would have behaved....now, after years of training. But be clear about the boundaries of 'freedom' you're prepared to let him have and communicate your expectations.

LeQueen · 06/04/2010 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.