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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner on dating website

39 replies

ShockedWithKnobsOn · 04/04/2010 05:13

I'm sure this is a well worn topic. I have spent the night awake, shaking. I think I have found my partner of 2 years on a dating website.

I'm not sure, as there is no photo up, but I just know. I'm not sure why I checked, intuition perhaps. Outwardly there was no reason to, he is very loving, says all the right things etc.

I have set up a fake profile and have emailed and got a non committal casual reply. This is not going to end well is it?

Really need support through this, reckon within a day or so my world will come crashing, and I'm too embarrassed to talk in RL about this.

OP posts:
aurynne · 04/04/2010 06:50

Hi Shocked,

With so little detail and no proof, the only thing I could say in advice, is wait until you're completely sure before starting worrying. With no photo in a profile it's very easy to get confused... there are millions of guys with profiles out there.

Anyway, in case bad comes to worse, you know you will find loads of help and understanding here. I hope all your fears are just unfounded and you can come back tomorrow, or whenever, and tell us what a fool you were and that the guy you messaged was a total stranger.

oxocube · 04/04/2010 06:55

Shocked, you say you 'just know' but how? Don't all guys say the same on such dating sites? GSOH, looking for fun and riendship and maybe more? I hope you are wrong and its a misunderstanding. You must be feeling awful. Is there no one you can talk to in RL who can give you a hug?

oxocube · 04/04/2010 06:56

friendship

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 04/04/2010 07:23

Shocked - what made you go on the site?

TDiddy · 04/04/2010 07:35

ShockedWithKnobsOn - sorry to hear. Suggestion: why don't you say to your DH, "Darling, if either of us are going to have an affair, then we should agree to do it in a civilised way i.e. agree some rules such as (1) it must be with a friend or co-worker (2) we should be discreet but not try too hard to hide it from the other (3) we should have protected sex outside marriage (4) we shouldn't fall in love with other person (5)other person shouldn't get jealous.

Then kiss him on the cheek and say, I am so glad that we can be civilised and mature about this. It is only a bit of rompey, pompey.

Lotstodo · 04/04/2010 08:26

I'm intrigued - with all the dating sites, what made you choose the particular one you did? Did you check the history on the PC? If it isn't him though and he finds out that you are on a dating site then isn't he going to think exactly the same as you are thinking right now? What made you check anyway - what's the 'intuition' you had? What sort of feeling did you have to make you check?

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 08:48

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Message withdrawn

Malificence · 04/04/2010 10:03

Tdiddy, do piss off - have you read any of the hundreds of posts from betrayed spouses on here? Your post is pathetic.

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2010 10:08

has he been stupid enough to sign up using his usual email? cos i can see (and laugh)at my ex's plenty of fish profile this way!!

SheWillBeLoved · 04/04/2010 10:18

I found ex DP on yet another swinging/dogging website when DD was 2 weeks old. Won't go into details, but like you - nothing made me want to look, I just did, and in that split second, everything was gone.

Do some more digging. Casually ask where he is from, his name, what he does, why he has no picture etc. Hopefully you'll be able to piece it together from the responses. Stay strong, and composed until you have solid proof. Thinking of you x

SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2010 10:24

Have a careful think about all the following aspects of your relationship.
Firstly, has your partner ever shown any previous indications that he is not monogamous?
Have things recently been tricky between you (rows, disappearances, not enough sex in either his opinion or yours)?

If it's 'no' to both of those, then are you unusually and unreasonably jealous? Are you prone to panicking over nothing? Have you made accusations that have been proved wrong in the past?

Because from what you have posted, it's pretty much a 50-50 likelihood of your partner being about to go behind your back or you being a paranoid -nutjob bit insecure and upsetting yourself for no reason.

Original poster
ShockedWithKnobsOn · 04/04/2010 11:17

Thank you all for the replies.
Its the site we met on.

I can't explain why I looked, I normally have a very good intuition. Funny thing is things have been very good between us recently.

He is working away now, with 8 hour time lag. He posted reply to fake profile, at the same time he sent me an email (middle of night here).

We have just chatted on MSN (he was also live on dating site at the time ). I gave him ample opportunity to be open with me. He was so loving, and said all the right things I feel as if I am going crazy.

There isn't so many ppl on dating sites in our area, same age, job, interests, writing style, description.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShockedWithKnobsOn · 04/04/2010 12:07

I have replied as fake woman to his email sending flirty message and photo of random, average looking woman asking for his photo.

Have to keep busy now. He won't be back online until this evening.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortyplus · 04/04/2010 12:24

I think you're right to be suspicious - but maybe he's just bored working away so far from home and playing silly games. Hope so anyway.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 12:28

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RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 12:28

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TDiddy · 04/04/2010 12:36

Malificence - why are you so offended?!

Shocked-I wasn't being flippant but suggesting a subtle way of confronting the issue.

Original poster
ShockedWithKnobsOn · 04/04/2010 12:36

I think that is why I am being cautious. I have been cheated on before and packed a suitcase the minute I found out.

I was a lot younger then, now I know life is not that simple always. I do think the shine has gone off working abroad, and he is bored and lonely. Hardly a valid excuse to go on a dating site though

Really I don't think I can come to any conclusions about the future until
a) Prove it is him
b) See what sort of interactions he has with fake woman
c) See if he shows any interest in meeting fake woman.

I'm not sure at what point in that list to walk away. There are no children, and no shared assets. Walking away would logistically be very easy.

But I am heavily emotionally invested, and I'm not sure if I can dust myself down again.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TDiddy · 04/04/2010 13:04

Shocked- whatever happens, keep your dignity and your cool. Don't fall into victim trap. Which is why I suggest that you adopt a breezy way of confronting/discussing. Also plan your next steps so that you can operate on auto-pilot if/when necessary. Don't let this get you down.

SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ShockedWithKnobsOn · 04/04/2010 16:07

Thank you all, I'm still here.

This has to be one of the longest days of my life. Although I have confided in a RL friend, who is almost as shocked as me. And she is the best judge of character I know.

Shineon, I'm very tempted to confront him, but I have no proof of anything, I'm biting my nails being patient. If I confront him, and I have messaged a random stranger off the internet - well that is not good.

Tdiddy, I know you weren't being flippant. I appreciate all the replies and support. I was expecting condemnation for faking a profile.

I have to eat, but my stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
BirdFromDaNorf · 04/04/2010 18:00

Just to say that I am thinking of you and hope that it's not the outcome we are all expecting xx

fortyplus · 04/04/2010 18:02

I still think it's possible that he's amusing himself and merely playing the 'dating game' online without any intention of acting upon it. Which, of course, is misguided and stupid, but he won't be seeing any harm in it. The acid test will be how he responds to your fake profile.

Why not get fake woman to say 'You're not married or anything like that are you?'