Husband says he's not coming back-so upset

[SpiritualKnot]

Dh left me about a week ago, wanted time apart to see how things went. His best friend died in January and he'd been upset since. We hadn't got on too well prior to this, led seperate lives etc, have posted on here about it. Amicable split up.Married 19 years.

He rang tonight to say he won't be coming back. I asked if there was someone else and he said there's someone at work interested in him, so he might start seeing her. I was quite shocked and said he'd only just left, so he said he'd wait until a bit more time had passed. He asked about me and I said there was no way that I would even consider another relationship at this time, He said that's the difference between men and women.This was quite a light hearted chat by the way.

I had been pretty much ok about things until this and haven't sort of stopped crying since our conversation.I realise now that I thought we would both realise how much we loved each other and would get back together and be like a couple again and have a fresh start. But that's not going to happen. We've 2 kids aged 18yrs and 10yrs. What do I do now?

Do you really believe "there's someone at work interested in him, so he might start seeing her"? and that the death of a friend sparked the separation?

I am sorry, but I can't. And I am sorry that you are feeling so crappy about this. Maybe the grieving now is because you are realising that the separation may be final?

Morning Foxy,

Sorry, this was the death of his BEST friend and it had a profound effect on him. Unfortunately (for me), his best friend was a total playboy and I feel sure now that my dh is planning to go down the same route to 1) see what he's been missing and 2) to keep his friend's memory alive in some way? I don't know.

I can well believe that women at work are now showing interest in my dh, he's extremely good looking and very used to and usually indifferent to, women being interested in him.It's been like that since I've known him. He's not the sort to cheat on a wife, so I do not believe that he's been seeing anyone before planning to leave me.

Yes, I'm grieving about the fact that it's final. How am I going to get through the next few days without crying all the time? I feel I can't let my young daughter seeing me upset and I can't stay in bed all day in hiding. Need a plan of action for the next few days...

SK Sorry this is happening.

When a relationship breaks down there is usually one partner who is happy to stay (who's needs are being met) and one who wishes to leave. I have been 'your husband' -unhappy and wished to leave.

I can well believe the death of his friend has prompted this.

I never wished to hurt my husband. But I sank slower and slower into depression and wondering if 'this was it' in life. Living with someone you love and care about but who does not make you happy is really hard. A friend of mine killed herself 4 yrs ago and that prompted me to examine whether I could stay in my life as it was. I gave my husband the choice to change to meet my needs (which sounds terribly selfish but in actual fact I'd spent yrs compromising who I was, to meet his needs of a partner) but he didn't wish to and thus I left

It has been hard. I still care about him but I am glad we are separated and we have an amicable split. Try and talk and uncover what is the problem which might be painful but might help you see why he wishes to leave. Don't take it personally. It's just about two people who have grown apart.

so sorry for this
I wonder if him asking about you having someone else is to aliviate his own guilt at getting over the marriage so quickly?

You sound very together - and see that you were leading sepeate lives already.

He may just want a bit of time to try new things before like you he sees what it is he wants.

Good luck

Hi Victoria,
That's exactly what's happened to us, he was unhappy a few years ago and I lost some weight as that's what he thought the problem was, seemed to help for a bit but the problems were deeper than that. When his friend died, he realised he needed more.

I wish him well and he doen't want to hurt me, but wish he hadn't said those things last night, he could have waited a few more weeks before telling me he wasn't coming back and that a woman was interested in him. I need to stay together for the kids.

Don't know if it's that he's already looking for someone else that bothers me most or the fact that he's definite about not coming back? I kinda suspected he wouldnt come back, but thought he'd spend at least a few months on his own mulling things over.

Any ideas of how I can distract myself over the next few days to stop myself crying?

SK

sorry you are going through this. On the plus side, it has only been a week. He cannot possibly know for sure what he really wants in just a week.

Although it is so painful, give him the time he needs apart and he may well realise that it is not this new life he wants. He will be thinking that he has a wife and children at home. He will miss you all. The good news is that it has been amicable.

The thought of a new woman may well be exciting, but I am sure there iwll be a time when he thinks of what he is losing.

I feel for you.

SK - presumably your children know and I think it's ok to express your grief with them as long as it's a sensible no fault expression of I'm very sad......

Then plan a day out. Do something which will distract you all. Go skating/swimming/cycling/long exciting walk somewhere different....any adventure centres near you?/cinema/meet friends.......meal out? Drive to the coast/hills/city... whatever. Do something. Get out of the door.

Your husband is ready to move on because he's been leaving in his head for awhile. He's testing it out as a concept.

You need to become a person in your own right. Think about you and what you want from life? This is the time to realise that being single offers many opportunities (it does ...honest) that you miss by being a couple. It's just hard to investigate and follow them right now... I know it's really hard. I left my husband and missed the togetherness/missed being a couple on family days out but then started to realise that all decisions were mine. I threw myself into activities that he hadn't enjoyed. I went swimming/running and socialised with friends a lot. It was hard and I cried a lot but I needed to cry and grieve for the relationship I'd lost.

This may all sound contradictory because I left him but I left the relationship we had become.... I grieved for the relationship we once had and this marked the finality.

You will feel better. Month by month you will feel better. 6 months from now you will look back on this and realise how far you have journeyed. It will be painful but you will come out the other side an honest person.

I don't think I can spell journeyed....

Hi Victoria,

Thanks for the advice. Good to hear it from your point of view. Our relationship had changed an awful lot and I don't know if we'd ever get back what we had.

Daughter is 10 and she thinks, like I did, that her dad was thinking things over for a few months, so she doesn't know he's decided to go for good.

Might just take her for a walk with the dog.It's a tourist area where we live so very busy at bank holiday weekends, so can't make too many plans for going out, but a walk is a start. I'd like to do a load of spring cleaning as well, though might run into a load of his stuff, which could set me off.

I'll see how I get on. Been awake and crying since 4am..awful..early night tonight I think.

Really appreciate your thoughts and advice by the way

SK

These things do hurt, even when you are well aware that it's the best option (come on, you have been living separate lives for years). It is, basically, a rejection and ther's no way round that.
However, it will stop hurting and life will be better, MUCH better soon. An unsatisfactory couple-relationship is an appalling drain on you, but because we live in such an incredibly heteronormative society (functional, proper, grown-up people live in couples and thsoe who don't are wierd) many people don't realise this until they get out of the relationship.

Hi there SK

It's a horrible place to be and when my XH was being a tw** I felt similarly.

What I have learned though is to pick my times to be alone and think about it, but to also work hard at doing things that I enjoy and at trying new things that I wouldn't have tried prior to the split.

It may be different for you but for me, sitting at home alone thinking and spending too much time (aimlessly) on the internet can send me into a very sad place. So, in your position I would

try to spend some quality time with the DC's (if they're free and interested and you feel up to it)
get some RL friend support (meet up for coffee, chat on phone etc)
spend some time doing a hobby I enjoy (music, gardening, sport, etc)

and probably above all else force myself to go out for at least part of the day.

That said, holiday periods can be a lonely time for ALL those without a partner and so keep talking to us too if it helps xx

SK today I am cleaning.... the sofa covers have come off and are being washed as is all the bedding. I'm hoovering, dusting and cleaning the bathroom, kitchen and realising what a domestic slut I am!

Next on the agenda is a fast shop for a bottle of wine for over the weekend, a present for friend, nice ingredients for a meal (I'm tackling a new dish every weekend)

Next is a long walk with dog.

I'd like to fit in a 3 mile run but suspect this might not rise to the top of the list before I open the wine...

I might have a swim at the end of the day (before the wine)

I'm baking cakes because family are coming on sunday

I've brought laptop home from work and will do some stats for work

Tonight with a glass of wine I will log on and chat to friends and strangers over the net

I wish with all my heart that instead I would sit down with my exH and chat to him but..... that relationship died and the new life I have, is honest and alright .... sometimes happy. I will also chat to a new man in my life. I have not told my exH about him because of the reaction you are experiencing. At some point I have to tell him.

go and do something completely different that would not have done with your husband, take up a sport/hobby/a book,/ change your hair,clothes. take another direction.

Been for a walk with daughter and dog.
Been shopping for meals for next few days.
Hubb rang to check on something he's bidding on, on ebay as he hasn't got internet yet-was ok.

People at work know about this and a few neighbours. Haven't told my family yet, will upset them and set me off again. Seeing them all next Friday at my brothers birthday, had felt I could tell them then and be all laid back and ok with it. But now I'm upset, feel I should let them know beforehand, otherwise I'll spoil the birthday event. Will tey and pluck up courage to do this later today.

SK

Telling people was really hard but once I'd done it it did get easier.

I hope you managed it and i hope it went well

Rang mum about an hour ago. She was like "oh no, he can't do that, he's got to come back". I'm one of her five kids, 3 are already divorced and she had apparently told herself that 3 was enough and she wasn't going to tolerate any more.

Not the perfect situation as I ended up sticking up for my hubby and making out it was a perfect arrangement and that we are both very happy. At least she knows now, dread seeing her next week, pursing her lips and making sarcastic comments, hopefully not in front of my daughter.

SK

SK - I'm sorry you feel your mum's unable to support because she's so wrapped up in how it affects her. But it's done.

Next tell someone who will support you. Anyone in the family? friend?

Hi Victoria and others helping me through this,

Thanks for the advice, it really helps.

I've told people at work and they're being v supportive. Haven't told friends as I've lost touch with them since I've been married, but will ring a good friend later today.

Still feel annoyed with my mum, wish I hadn't told her now. Feeling a lot better about things this morning. Planning little things for next week, like aerobics and a dance class.

He never stopped me doing anything,used to encourage me, but I stopped doing things coz I was always so tired after work. Don't want the kids to think I'm now going to go out gallivanting every evening, but it'll only be for an hour or so a couple of times a week.

Thanks for your support, yesterday was an awful day, today feels better already.

SK

Stick with the friends who will support you. Avoid family and friends who are unable to.

I strongly suspect your kids of wanting you to go out and 'gallivant'. Mine have told me how much they worry about me being single and lonely. They want me to be happy. There is a world of difference between a woman who's 'gallivanting' and a woman who socialises and is happy.

Keep positive and keep planning stuff. I know what you mean about being tired after work but I do still plan stuff and then flop on the sofa on the other days.

What arrangements are in place for him to see the 10 yr old?

Hi Victoria,

He sees her most days. He lives in the neighbouring town now, but works in the town where we are.

He's coming by today after work and will do the same tomorrow.They'll go for a walk together with the dog. She doesn't want to see his new place, so he can't take her there yet.

She adores him and is a real daddys girl, so we're keeping it quite light with her. He'll be picking her up from school when his shifts fit round it, which will be about 3 times a week. He's taking her down to his mums the weekend after next. There's nothing formal in place.

My 18 yr old son will watch my daughter when I go out, he seems quite chilled about the whole thing, very supporting in a quiet way. He actually seems to come downstairs and be with us than he did nefore, used to be in his room all the time.

SK

I would start considering the future of this arrangement. In order for you to have your own life -which is hugely important- you need to be able to plan.

I found myself acting as the 'base' where everyone passed through and I never knew when or who was coming past. It meant I didn't arrange things because I couldn't know if I was free.

We have and wanted a fluid arrangement and it took a few weeks to settle in but now I can plan to e.g.go rambling with the local ramblers on a sunday and in advance tell exH that he needs to be available for childcare on that day.

I am childfree today (can be odd unless I plan) but I'm about to go and do 60mins spinning (stationary bike) 30 mins swim and then have a hair appt. I enjoy lying in bed with no need to get up - it's a rare event and feels decadent.

The dog will get walked and I will bake. I'm also planning a weekend away to walk a few mountains with a friend. I don't wait for others to ask me or arrange stuff. In the words of Nike... JDI

He works shifts so we know in advance when he needs to be around, but hopefully once she's seen his new place, she'll be happy to spend the night there sometimes.

We nearly double booked next week. I've got her in a drama group event locally from Tues to Thurs and he had hoped to take her to his mums at this time, so she was all excited about going there. He was flexible though and will take her there the week after next instead.I'd paid for the drama group anyway.

Hopefully we'll work round things. Could be some problems. The first day needed to pick her up from school he slept in (works shifts)and my son had to go pick her up.However, when he was here, he never slept well and I actually felt quite pleased that he slept until 3pm.

Today, me and daughter are going out for lunch, walking the dog and I'm changing sheets on the bed at the moment. Just putting a lovely cotton patchwork effect flowery duvet on on "our" bed.It's brand new and been in a wardrobe for about 4 years. Looks lovely and feminine.

Ypou sound really chilled about your situation, but appreciate it's probably taken some time. Hope you have a lovely day,

SK

SK

It's not been that long SK but seems like a long time ago (if that makes sense?)

I have felt like I was on a rollercoaster hitting the highs of having my own life and losing the stress and tension that was in my old life, the idea of dating seemed fun at first, choosing items without recourse to another person... indulging my tastes without criticism, cooking what I like.. and then the lows of loneliness, worrying about him, worrying about the children, worrying about finances, coping with others's expectations, guilt, regret, old memories of good times, the horror of meeting horrid womanising men who would hurt me.

The logistics of childcare have only just settled down. I do it all midweek and at weekends it's assumed he does it. Totally flexible with prior agreement - the prior agreement being the key bit!

We are both happier and we walk the dog together or take the youngest out occasionally and can ask each other 'are you ok?' and hug. We still have a relationship but it's changing. It's far better than it was when we were married.

I can't do the underline or other formatting it never works

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What am I doing wrong?

Oh how funny