emotional abuse? really?

[anyplacebuthere]

am in need of some advice..
I have been with my dp for 5 years we have 2dc.

My dp has always been prone to angry outbursts. Its just that its recentaly started to get me down. I have spoken to a friend who thinks it is emotional abuse..i dont no if i would agree or if i have just come to think of it as normal.

He is happy alot of the time but when he is having a bad day anything can set him off, even someone looking at him in the street. So anyway what bothers me is the way he acts towards me. When he loses his temper he will scream and shout, break things (including mirrors, wardrobe etc) he will kick things around, he put his fist through a door and if i shout back he will treaten me (anything from threatening physical violence to taking the kids etc). He tells me that everyone is like this and couple argue, but do they argue this bad? I feel quite nervous around him and try hard to keep him happy. He has generally improved over the last 2years with the amount of angry outbursts he has but what i have noticed is they tend to be worse now when he does have them.

What does my head in the most is that he can be really nice for a week or so then have a bad day or two then back to being nice!

any opinions would be greatly appreciated

Every couple is not like this. He is an unstable liar.

for you. Hope you're okay.

Someone who knows more will be along soon but to me that isn't normal behaviour and does sound like emotional abuse to me - you've said that he makes you feel nervous.

No one should feel norvous around their other half. Hope you get some more useful responses soon.

That is not normal behaviour for most couples. Threatening you with physical violence is dreadful. I hope he never does it.

I can offer no advice I'm afriad, I hope someone comes along that can.

You should feel safe, comfortable and relaxed in your own home.

You don't because of his behaviour.

So yes it is emotional abuse.

No not everyone is like this and you don't have to.

it's not just emotional abuse - it is aggressive, violent and threatening behaviour.

It is NOT normal.Not by a long long way.

You should not be putting up with it and more importantly you should not be letting your kids be exposed to it. It will fuck them up badly.

It's a form of domestic violence.

Presumably, he thinks everyone behaves like this because he learned it from his parents?

Normal people aren't like this. He's nuts.

Womens Aid on Emotional Abuse

and the BBC (click the links)

I think the biggest question should be do you think it's emotional abuse? Shouting at you until you feel frightened, using the children against you, you feel nervous around him and try your best to keep him happy.

See if there is a place local to you who runs the freedom programme, it teaches woman all about the many personnas of the male 'dominator' and what woman deserve of a loving partner.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

read this and make up your own mind. It is a great book and may make you wince in recognition, but will also make you feel relieved that you're not going mad and imagining things, or that it's your fault...

I lived with a man for years who emotionally abused my Mum, it was damaging for both my Mum and me, and reading this book years later really helped me understand what was going on in our household at the time.

I'm sorry, but as an outsider, like the other posters here, what is happening for you sounds like a textbook case of EA.

wow thanks 2 everyone for the really quick replys

how can this many people be wrong i know that the way that he acts aint normal when it is happening but for some reason i try to convince myself otherwise after when he is being nice to me.

thanks itsgraceagain and cosysocks for the links...something which really stood out on the BBC one which is that i totally am always trying to assess his mood and adjusting things to suit the mood he is in to try and keep the peace and also did the assess your relationship test...after ticking yes to almost every box at the end it says if you tick 2 or more you could be in a abusive relationship

i know that it is really bad for my dc but he is so good with them and really patient. HerBeatitude he am pretty sure he has learnt to be like this from his own father and i am so scared my dc will be the same when they are older

Has anyone out any experience with angry managment courses? Tbh i dont no if anything would work or he will be like this forever but i guess its worth a try

thanks 8rubberduckies i will look into getting hold of this book. Its interesting to hear from someone who as a child lived with a adult like this...im so worried about how my dc are affected

"Why Does He Do That?" is a mind-blowing revelation, anyplacebuthere! Yes, it answers the question in the title.

Wrt your question about anger-management: Lundy Bancroft developed his interest in "Angry & Controlling Men" because he was running anger management courses! The concensus is that they don't work. Not with abusers, anyway. If anything, they teach abusers subtler and more powerful control tactics. It's all quite chilling when you start finding out about it ... and also, weirdly, a relief. As the realisation slowly dawns that it is not all your fault, and you don't have to live like this, there's a sort of creeping horror. Rapidly followed by fury, and reserves of strength you never thought you had in you! You do deserve a decent life. Your children do, too. And you will have that decent life

My dad was a sarcastic, violent, sadistic tyrant. I married two abusive men, let an mad boss bully me into a breakdown and had "best friends" who stole from me. This was all a direct consequence of what I learned as a child. I have 3 siblings; two of them have continual relationship problems and teenage children in therapy. All four of us have massive self-worth issues and cannot trust others.

You can say "This cycle stops here!"

I really wish you all the support, good fortune and strength you need! And all the happiness you deserve. You do deserve it, you know

Any my dh can be like this and I feel he learnt this from his father who violent and petulant.

This however, does not excuse their behaviour as adults.

The fact that you try and assess his moods to prevent an outburst is worrying for you. If you don't tackle an outburst it's like he's justified in his behaviour - if you try and tackle it can get nasty? Is it like that?

thanks for the encouragment and support. Im sorry to hear about your past itsgraceagain, this is def what i fear the most for my children. Im scared my ds will turn out like his father and my dd..like me

years ago i went through a bad time with another abusive man (not someone i was actually with but someone who for some reason had total control over me) so when i met my dp he was so kind and gental i didnt really seem to notice the subtle change in his behaviour towards me....im so angry at myself for falling into this again

giveitago...you are right if i try and tackle it he does get nasty...if he is shouting there is only a certain amount i can say 2 him before he go's mental...the latest 'bad' outburst involved him barging past me after threatening me picking up a few half filled cups and throwing the juice down the stairs (on my newly painted white walls ) before proceeding down the stairs to throw all the sofa cusions around the lounge and smash a fall sized mirror

the weekend it happened it seemed bad but now a few weeks later seems almost 'normal'

thanks for the advice and supportive comments 2everyone...its good to have oppinions from all differnt people

it aint normal to smash up your house...is good reason enough to ban him....

imagine if he did that to your friend's house when you visited there as a cuple, or your parents house - or even in the local pub...would they tolerate him as having a bad day or ban him? if he did this in doctor's surgery or your dcs' school? what would they say do you think?

is abusive coz it says "next time it could be you" - and it could - only takes you or a child to get in the way at the wrong time....

i havent yet repaired the fist-hole in my cupboard door - it reminds me why i dont let him in my house... when he asked to come in one day (hadning over dcs) and i said no and went on "why" - i said "the hole in my door" - he said "well you made me do that".

again, reminded me why he cannot be trusted...

Get this man out. Asap. No ifs or buts, no anger management courses, no nothing. He is threatening, violent and abusive. He has outstayed his welcome and your children will be more damaged than they already are if yiou allow the relationship to continue like this.

Speak to womens aid, your GP, your family and friends. If you think he may assault you be prepared to call the police. Always have your mobile on you when he is in the house.

He is palpably not good to your dcs. He is an unstable bully.

Get him out or be prepared to go, at short notice, to a refuge with your children.

No, this is not normal.

For the sake of your DC (and you) this has to stop. You can't go on living with someone like this.

I've never suggested on MN anyone leave their partner before, but this isn't healthy, anyplacebuthere. You are experiencing emotional, and violent abuse.

Normal, loving relationships mean that you can have any conversation, without fear or recrimination.

Any kind of physical throwing of things or threats are just subverted violence.

It's not okay, and you need to get that straight in your mind.

You will find a lot of support here. And I hate to squash any relationship hopes you have with him, but it ain't looking good. Men like this don't change, just so you know. A lot of us here can testify to that.

Sorry :S

But what you can have hope for is a new really happy life where you're not constantly worried about what someone else thinks...

What everyone else said.

The fact that he's trying to convince you it's normal isn't a great sign that it can be saved, either. Clearly, he wants to be allowed to continue to act this way, and will happily threaten you to achieve it.

By the way, threatening to take the kids is classic behaviour. He doesn't mean it, and if you leave, he won't get the kids.

he needs help
i grew up in a house with alot of arguments, shouting and smashing and have memories of being scared from as young as 4 so yes it does affect you. if you are scared its abuse. if you are scared imagine how your children feel

You have been given some great counsel re contacting Womens Aid and reading the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that?". I would urge you to do both.

He is lying to you - not all couples act like this at all. All that you write are words of someone caught up on the receiving end of a bully who is using you as his personal and emotional punchbag.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; he is following the usual abusive pattern of being nice/nasty. This pattern is a circle and he will not change.

Anger management is a waste of time for such damaged men as it can also teach them techniques to further harm their victim. You are not there to "fix" him, be his project or be his emotional punchbag.

He is more than happy to for your children to take the fallout from all this as well. What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words - damaging lessons.

You must get him out of your lives; you are all being harmed by him.

Your children as well will not thank you for staying with such an abusive man. If you were to stay they could well accuse you of putting him before them. This is not a legacy you want to leave them.

Hi

My father was violent like this. It scared the sh*t out of me. When I was a kid I had loads of different strategies to stop him doing this stuff. Like keeping me and mum out of the house, having my freinds round all the time (he pretended not to be like that when outsiders were around)... I was always scared, tons of migraines, completely preoccupied, just awful really. Don't know what mum was thinking about - I think she was a bit unconfident and confused. It caused a lot of problems between me and my mum and even after they got divorced (I finally told her it was him or me) I couldn't forgive her for years. A couple of years ago, something difficult happened to me and she was amazing and helped me beyond what I could ever hope for. Then we started talking and she said sorry with words and actions so now we are pretty much perfect. I just love her so much, respect her to bits and its sad that we 'wasted years' of not speaking just because of the revolting father. I haven't bothered with him for years - he's just too stressful to even speak to. Thats sad too because even these rotton aggressive types have feelings and I now feel a bit sorry for him that he can't enjoy life.

Please don't risk what happened to me and my Mum happening to you. In any case, even if you had no children you are far too special to put up with this selfish and scary man.

I've never posted here before but your story resonated so strongly with me I felt I had to share a bit with you.

You may think that he is patient and wonderful with your DC's, but how can you be sure what he is like when you are not there? My father was just as you describe, taking out his temper on the house/car. I used to sit on the stairs waiting for him to come home and could tell from the way he closed the door whether to say hello or run to my room.

He was ok in front of my mum, but as I got older, became more and more manipulative and controlling when she wasn't around. The mind games were so subtle I would struggle to explain them even now, but he was a master at making you believe that, somehow, YOU were the strange one. Luckily, she got out when I was still young but it has still had a large impact on my adult relationships.

Please do recognise this for what it is, controlling and abusive behaviour, and take the steps you have to in order to protect both you and your DC's.

Oh my goodness this is an awful situation... yes he is abusive - emotionally and physically. You're describing some very extreme behaviour, that does not belong in a healthy, normal relationship.

I know how easy it is to get used to this sort of behaviour but you know in your heart its not right... no one should have to live in fear. If you DH does not understand the depths to which his behaviour affects you and your children and is unwilling to do anything about it then you should explore alternatives. Your children are being exposed to a terrible role model and are not learning appropriate ways to handle anger, frustration, etc.

Has your DH ever been treated for depression? What has he said about the way he behaves? Does he think he has a problem?