emotional abuse? really?

[anyplacebuthere]

am in need of some advice..
I have been with my dp for 5 years we have 2dc.

My dp has always been prone to angry outbursts. Its just that its recentaly started to get me down. I have spoken to a friend who thinks it is emotional abuse..i dont no if i would agree or if i have just come to think of it as normal.

He is happy alot of the time but when he is having a bad day anything can set him off, even someone looking at him in the street. So anyway what bothers me is the way he acts towards me. When he loses his temper he will scream and shout, break things (including mirrors, wardrobe etc) he will kick things around, he put his fist through a door and if i shout back he will treaten me (anything from threatening physical violence to taking the kids etc). He tells me that everyone is like this and couple argue, but do they argue this bad? I feel quite nervous around him and try hard to keep him happy. He has generally improved over the last 2years with the amount of angry outbursts he has but what i have noticed is they tend to be worse now when he does have them.

What does my head in the most is that he can be really nice for a week or so then have a bad day or two then back to being nice!

any opinions would be greatly appreciated

I think the key thing is the fact that you feel nervous around him. That is not normal, whatever he says.

All couples can be grumpy and unreasonable with each other if they are having and off day or have PMT (I was a total witch to poor DH yesterday).

But I never feel nervous of DH when he is in a snappy mood and he always apologises when I put my foot down and say enough's enough, thank you very much.

Likewise he will put up with my moodiness and childishness when I have PMT for a while, but pretty soon will tell me to grow up and get a sense of perspective.

This is how my stepfather would control my mother. He smashed up the house over and over. We would all walk on eggshells around him, but eventually he'd still explode with fury for some BS reason or other. I was banned from my own living room as a child in order to keep him happy, amongst countless other bullying tactics. His behaviour graduated to physical violence against my mum when he had made her used to his other forms of violence. Guarantee you your partner will do the same given time.

My DB's and I all suffer with mental health problems as a result of growing up with this bully. My older DB and I are no longer in contact with my mum due to the fallout from her relationship with him, my younger DB has only limited contact as he moved far away at the earliest opportunity. She is isolated and alone, but refuses to work on healing the damage done to her relationships with her children, probably because facing the legacy of all those years of denial and complicity in abuse etc is too much to bear.

Don't be like her.

This is not normal. You are being abused, as are your children as a result of being exposed to this.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

I am lucky enough to have broken the cycle and married a wonderful man who has shown me what real love is. If we argue (and of course we do) there is no violence, no threats. In the end we usually both end up apologising and crying, resolving to both do better in the future, which we generally have done. We have lived through terribly hard times, depression, poverty and homelessness but it has never been as bad as you describe. Hard times pull us together, we work as a team. That's love, that's the kind of relationship you deserve.

Speak to Women's Aid, plan to escape or kick him out. Do it today.

No, tantrums and breaking things is the sort of behaviour I'd expect (but wouldn't tolerate) from a hormonal 14 year old not an adult.
I wouldn't live with someone who refused to control their temper. Learning to control your emotions is part of growing up. I don't want to be married to an emotional child.
The sort of bloke who could get upset by someone looking at him in a funny way would get short shrift from me.

So

go all out to avoid this for the sake of a peaceful homelife with kids

"giveitago...you are right if i try and tackle it he does get nasty...if he is shouting there is only a certain amount i can say 2 him before he go's mental...the latest 'bad' outburst involved him barging past me after threatening me picking up a few half filled cups and throwing the juice down the stairs (on my newly painted white walls ) before proceeding down the stairs to throw all the sofa cusions around the lounge and smash a fall sized mirror "

Thing is that you cannot control this (it's pretty bloody scary what he's doing - your kids MUST BE SCARED) - and in trying to do so you will make yourself very ill - there's only so much covering up and fixing you can do.

This is no life.

anyplace, he's grooming you to accept being hit by him, you do know that don't you?

He may not even know it consciously, but that's what is happening.

thanks 2 everyone for the support and advice. i no the situation at home is pretty crap and is not good for my dc. So many of you have replyed to my post and all in agreements that this is emotional abuse cause he is fine alot of the time i just seem to except it. alot of the friends i had before having children where treated the same way by there partners so i didnt think much of it...was only when i met new friends through my dc that i realised there dh were not like this at all

also what i have written on here is far from the worst of things he has said/done and even this has stirred up some really strong reactions from you all

i keep thinking about all differnt thing's he has said/done and i guess in the beginning he was quite controlling and wanted to see me every minuet of every day which at the time i thought was weird so left him but for some reason i went back...what was i thinking..

"the situation at home is pretty crap"

It's not "pretty crap", it's abuse. You need to face that.

"and is not good for my dc."

Witnessing domestic violence is a form of abuse. Your children are being abused by this man's behaviour. I'm not trying to criticize you by telling you this, because you are as much a victim as they. My intention is to wake you up to the very real damage being done to them. Perhaps you can't bring yourself to stand up for yourself, but maybe you can draw on your protective mothering instinct and do it for them.

"he was quite controlling and wanted to see me every minuet of every day"

Classic abuser behaviour, I'm afraid. Lots of women on MN who have been in your situation have found the book Why does he do that? useful, I strongly suggest you read it.

"also what i have written on here is far from the worst of things he has said/done"

That's intensely worrying. Please, please call Women's Aid.