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Original poster

Advice needed - DH wants a son

34 replies

msharp · 30/03/2010 12:15

Hi all,

I'm a full time mum with two little girls ages 3 and 1. I love them more than anything but, to be honest, two kids is enough for me! Especially since I'm the one at home all the time with them since my DH works crazy hours and has a long commute.

I've recently discovered that the reason he was so eager to try for baby number 2 - he desperately wants a son! I know he loves our girls but how many more babies can he expect us to have, in the hope of a boy? He says he just wants to try one more time but if it's another girl I wouldn't be surprised to be back in this position again.

He's really putting pressure on me to try again, guilting me, begging, you name it! What do I do???

mary

OP posts:

Tryharder · 30/03/2010 12:27

Hmm.. difficult one. Your girls are still so young so to have a baby now would be hard work (for you!). Can't you agree to leave it for a couple of years and then consider a third child - then at least your eldest will be at school and your current youngest at nursery (presumably)and you yourself might be a bit keener.

Obviously, the problem then arises - what if you have another girl????

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/03/2010 12:31

I would consider what changes you need in your life to make a third child feasible. For example, would you need him to change jobs so that he was home more often? Different house? Paid help? A guarantee that when they're X years old you'll swap roles so you can work/retrain?

I'll be frank with you: I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having a child just to get the "right" sex, and I don't like that he's putting such huge pressure on you about this. If two is enough, stand your ground. If you would maybe be alright with a third in different circumstances I think it's okay to make your own demands re the logistics first.

TeddyBare · 30/03/2010 12:44

Are you saying you're certain you don't want another dc? or that you don't want another atm? or that you think this isn't a good reason to try for a 3rd?
If you're certain you don't want any more dcs you really need to talk about this and tell dh it's horrible for him to try to guilt you into it. That's not the way you treat someone you love and you need to make it clear to him that it's not ok.
If you might want another at some point in the future then have think / talk about what you would like to do before having dc3 - how much of an age gap? Do you want to go back to work for a couple of years? Have you thought about how you would deal with dc3? Would you want to move house or anything like that? Having dc3 sounds like it will have a much bigger impact on your life than on his, so it needs to be something you actively want. If you're happy with 2 then don't have another.
I'd have to agree that this doesn't seem like a good reason to be the only reason to try for dc3. Does your dh know why he wants a ds? If he wants a dc to do certain boy-ish things with then what happens if you have a ds and he isn't interested? Does he only do girl-ish things with your dd1? If he does then it might help to discuss him not treating your dds in a gender stereotyped way so that he might be able to do some of the fun things he had imagined doing with a ds with them.

4andnotout · 30/03/2010 12:52

I echo what the other posters have said, and would add that I have 4 dd's and no ds's not because we wanted a ds but because we wanted a larger family. Dd's can do anything ds's can do.

pinkmagic1 · 30/03/2010 12:55

On one hand I can sort of understand why he would like a little boy but on the other he should be grateful for 2 beautiful girls.
What if you were to have another DD? My husbands Aunt who is from a culture where having a son is seen as important had 12 girls before a boy came along and she finally stopped. I feel a little sorry for the girls as they were only had in the hope that they would be male. I am sure they are all loved but if it wasn't for their parents desire for a boy they wouldn't be around.

rubyslippers · 30/03/2010 12:57

He may want a son but it doens't work like that

FWIW, if you have 2 DCs of the same sex you have around a 10% chance of having a child of the different sex

you should both want a 3rd baby because you want another child not a boy

3 children under 4 sounds like a lot to me especially if you aren't keen and would shoulder the childcare burden on your own

personally, i wouldn't entertain the idea and he is being incredibly unfair and childish to put you under pressure

BikeRunSki · 30/03/2010 13:05

Does he realise that every time you have a child, you increase your chances of any subsequent children being the same sex? With 2 girls alread, the chances of DC3 also being a girl are pretty high.

DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2010 13:08

Someone I know had a husband who did this. They ended up with 3 girls. He is particularly crap at being a hands on dad so she insisted that was it and he had a vasectomy.

Original poster

msharp · 30/03/2010 13:19

Thanks for all the responses, you've given me a lot to think about. I completely agree that our dd's are a gift and I wish my dh realised that they are as wonderful as any sons would be!

rubyslippers - i'm going to tell him what you said about the 10% odds, see if that makes him think twice!

I'm so torn - I'm afraid of giving in on this and then resenting the poor innocent new baby as a result.

OP posts:

Strawbezza · 30/03/2010 14:25

As a couple you are a long way off wanting a third baby (regardless of its sex). At the moment you don't want a third at all, and he only wants a son. That's a lot of ground to make up.

Why does he want a son so badly? What would a son bring that his two daughters can't? I think you need to have this conversation with him to understand his reasons.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2010 15:06

tell him to go to Asda and buy one

they are half-price at the moment !

ericnorthmansmistress · 30/03/2010 15:12

y BikeRunSki Tue 30-Mar-10 13:05:51
Does he realise that every time you have a child, you increase your chances of any subsequent children being the same sex? With 2 girls alread, the chances of DC3 also being a girl are pretty high.

How does that work? I didn't think probability worked like that.

OP, I understand where your DH is coming from. DH wants two DCs, I want a girl. If we have DS2 I will be campaigning very strongly for DC3. If DC3 turned out to be another boy I expect I'd leave it at that (no guarantees though). It wouldn't mean I didn't appreciate my DS(s) just that I want a girl.

However, it's me that does all the hard work of making one so it's a bit different to you. If you don't want another then you shouldn't be pressured into having one.

Condensedmilkaddict · 30/03/2010 15:15

I really shouldn't comment on this as it's one of my pet peeves.

I will just say that I think any father who says he 'wants a son to play football with' needs a swift kick up the arse.

Similarly, I know one woman who is convinced that God hates her because he gave her 3 boys, and no daughter.

She needs a kick too.

OP decide if you want another baby, regardless of sex.

Good luck. You sound sensible.

Condensedmilkaddict · 30/03/2010 15:20

Also, just wanted to add that my niece is on the state training squad for women's cricket.

My nephew on the other hand, just completed his third musical, where he sang beautifully - in his very high pitched voice.

Something for your DH to think about...

GrimmaTheNome · 30/03/2010 15:25

Why is he so eager to have a boy?

MrsPixie · 30/03/2010 15:27

Look tell him it is a bit more bloody complicated than that - you make it sound like he wants a different flavour of ice-cream.

How would he feel if you had another girl? Would he want to pop her back?

MinnieMalone · 30/03/2010 15:34

My DS hates football/boy's stuff and my DD is turning out to be a right little tomboy.

Gender is meaningless.

Only have another baby because you both want another child.

ShowOfHands · 30/03/2010 15:36

The question is whether you want a third and whether he wants a third and is happy with either sex, while preferring a boy.

Actually, it's nearly always a 50/50 chance of having any gender. It increases only a tiny bit with each child.

See here

In fact already having girls, you're slightly more likely to have a boy...

"Although we often hear the "statistic" that you are 30% or even 70% more likely to keep having the same gender, this is just an old wives tale. It is NOT a fact. The truth is, your odds stay pretty close to 50% for each child and only vary slightly. If you have had 2 or 3 boys, you are only about 2% to 6% more likely to have another boy. If you have had girls, you are slightly more likely to have a boy next."

ShowOfHands · 30/03/2010 15:37

Condensedmilkaddict, my BIL is a prof ballet dancer, my SIL plays rugby for England. Gender schmender.

Condensedmilkaddict · 30/03/2010 15:39

Love it ShowOfHands

Daisy00 · 30/03/2010 16:26

Unless he's prepared to go to spain and have microsort then don't just 'try again' on the off-chance!

Showofhands, not sure I believe that. I know so many people who have three or four boys. I knew a family who had 6 girls before they gave up.

Daisy00 · 30/03/2010 16:33

Taken from SoH's link

"Odds of Having a Boy
The odds of having a boy seem to increase after having girls, except after 2 girls, when a 3rd girl is more likely."

Interesting link though.

veryconfusedandupset · 30/03/2010 16:34

I have a friend who is married to a farmer, they are quite well off and my friend was not averse to a large family. Friend's DH desperately wanted a son to carry on with the farm after him, just as he had after his father. My friend said that she would keep trying for a boy, but only if she could have a nanny and a cleaner to support her. After 3 girls she had a son and they are all very happy. However the son has no interest in the farm and since the recession it has been rented out and converted (in part) to an industrial estate. Not quite sure what the moral of this story is but what is OP's husband's motivation for wanting a boy - and could it be dealt with in another way. My firends dds are now in their early 20's and all georgeous talented girls with good careers, so lots to be proud of.

Daisy00 · 30/03/2010 16:37

I don't think it's unreasonable. I really wanted a daughter so I wouldn't blame any Dad for wanting a son.

rubyslippers · 30/03/2010 16:39

it is unreasonable to put pressure on a partner to have another child especially when the other partner is sure she is done

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