Alternate motives for staying with DH. Feeling guilty

[TheGuineaHole]

DH and I have not been happy for years. However, whilst he's quite happy to plod along and stay together for convienience, I'm not.

I've been looking for a way out for a few months now. DH thinks we're all fine and dandy. I was happy for him to think that for a while to make the house a more peaceful place.

However, I soon learnt that I was stuck here. Without a job of my own, I can't rent anywhere. So I searched endlessly for jobs but nobody will touch me with a bargepole. I have no qualifications OR experience.

But I thought I'd "keep looking" and something will come up eventually. But really, it won't, will it?

Then last week something wierd happened to me and I decided I wanted to be a nurse. Within 24 hours I had registered on a course with the college, contacted university and arranged voluntary work at the hospital. We're all very excited, light at the end of the tunnel ... seems we won't have to scrape by on minimum wage forever.

But I'm left with the dilema of knowing I don't actually intend to stay here forever. I'm stuck here for four years at least, I have to be to get through my nurse training but once I'm earning a wage, I think I'll leave DH.

So in other words, I'm stringing him along for 4 years arnt I?

I'm not that type of person, really I'm not but I just don't know what to do.

DH is sat there saying "oh just think, 5 years from now we'll be able to afford a decent house, we'll be able to go on holiday, I can get a new car ... " and I sit there agreeing with him knowing full well that he won't really benefit much from my career.

I'm not just doing it for me, I'm doing it for the kids too. I'm just so confused though because I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself but at the same time, I can't see another option.

Just to add a few more details. (to douse the oncoming flames perhaps?)

DH is not a bad person. He doesn't hit me or anything like that but he is very, very controlling. He has already layed down the law for instance, that I won't be "allowed" out with people from college on nights out etc.

He's told me I have to do adult nursing, not mental health nursing like I wanted to.

I'm not allowed a say in what we buy from the grocery budget.

He doesn't love me. He just likes having me around.

He bought some bogroll the other day for 40p and asked me for 20p to put towards it as it wasn't fair for him to buy it all himself. (seriously).

I don't love him. But I don't hate him either.

maybe when you are working you will feel happier in general and the relationship will improve?

have you ever supported yourself, you can't have just never worked surely?

oh, didn't see the bit about him being controlling and horrible

hope you get away sooner than in 4 years time

I've never had a proper job. When I was 16 I worked full time in a factory but it didn't last long as my mother's husband chucked me out and everything went pear shaped for a long time.

I've never really worked properly since, I've had zero confidence and I've disliked myself for a long time. I used to go to interviews assuming that the interviewers were laughing at me and hated me.

The children are 11 and 9.

We've been together for 6 years and tbh, it was only a happy mariage in the first year. Everything after that was full of resentment and regret.

Aside from never having a proper job, I've never had a proper relationship either.

I've never loved anyone and nobody has ever loved me. Every relationship I've had has exsisted for convinience sake or because they've had nowhere else to go.

go for it,
plenty of people not happy in their relationships in life.
going for the nursing will be good for you and whatever is good for you will make you feel better. you never know, your relationship might improve. it can't be 100% good all the time.

He tells you what kind of nursing you're "allowed" to do... no college nights out... He may not be a bad person but that isn't a relationship, it's ownership. No wonder you don't want to tell him what's on your mind.

It's not nice to be dishonest, but really, where would honesty get you in this case? Possibly to Relate, where you could perhaps come to some mutual understanding (IF he would listen); or more likely to be refused "permission" to get a job at all, in case it gives you big ideas. So I'm afraid I can't see another option either, but you do have my sympathy.

Words fail me on the bog roll story. That is a man with head seriously up his own ass. No wonder he can't see any problems.

Exactly annie, even if I tell him it won't get us anywhere because he simply won't listen. He'll react with the "Oh, here she goes again, whinging. She'll forget about it all by tomorow and we'll be fine again".

I'd keep my mouth firmly shut if I were you, at least till you're a year into your course, and you're sure you can stick it out.

If you tell him now that you want out and then the course goes pearshaped for any reason you'll be in a weaker position than now.

However, if you do split up sooner rather than later you may be entitled to a bursary as a single mother. I had a client who was getting divorced and got a bursary which was tiny but, with various benefits, helped her get by.

Anyway, if he's so superior how come he's in a minimum wage job?

Get on with the course, it may be that you decide to leave him somewhere along the way, or that you are still with him when you finish your degree, you can't know the future.

However, if you don't go ahead with that degree you will be exactly in the same place you were 2 weeks ago, feeling there's no way out. A least with the degree you have some options open, something to look forward to, a good way to recover your confidence, and eventually the authority to say "I can go on on my own and I will be just fine".

And no, I won't leave him just now. It might sound horrible but you have to be practical, you need to plan and prepare to leave a marriage, and part of that very important preparation is to have some financial independence.

As far as I'm aware if you're a full time student you are not normally entitled to benefits. BUT if you are a single parent that all changes! And you can rent somewhere while on benefits, I did it last year and I'm gearing up to do it again.

If you leave now, you can still train to be a nurse if that's what you want to do. And I agree with the others that you shouldn't tell him of any plans you might have at this stage.
But, I am confused - why do you feel you can't rent somewhere unless you're working? Have you looked at entitledto to see what you might be able to get as a single mum of two? There really is no need for you to stay in the relationship for any longer than you want to.

The first time someone tells me I can or can't do a thing, is also the last, in my relationships.

being very controlling is bad. can be a form of abuse....

bad for you bad for the DCS.

if you forced to do a course when you want to do a different one where does that leave you.

can see your point on practicalities. but research the single mother studying options too.

Boxroom, you reckon, reality?

I didn't smell boxroom. Radar could be off though.

I have to disagree, is already difficult enough to become a:

a) Student parent after a long time away of education.

b) Become a single parent after a long marriage

But mixing the 2 at the same time is just bonkers. I would start with the degree, see how I manage with the study load, and then just then, take decisions on splitting up.

Note that I'm not saying split first, then go for the degree, because believe me, if you are not used to be a single mum, you won't have much time to wonder about degrees when you are trying to sort all your new life.

Besides, you wouldn't get benefits as a single mum once your youngest is 7, you may get them if you are already studying but if your course starts after he is 7... don't count on that money.

It looks to me that you've got an incredibly controlling abusive husband, who you don't love but are afraid to leave, and you've just come up with a really good excuse why you can't leave for the next four years.

That's 4 more years of your children watching their father treat their mother like a stupid menial without rights or autonomy of her own. 4 more years of not having any money, any friends, and not 'being allowed' to choose the sort of nursing you actually want to study.

What on earth makes you think he won't decide, in a year, that you're having too much fun or gaining too much self esteem, and therefore you're not allowed to study at all any more?

I would consider getting some counselling to deal with your non existent self esteem, and I would consider seeing legal aid and getting to know what your financial rights are if you split. Four more years of this is not the answer.

What tortoise said.
If you really don't want to live with him there are ways of doing it, ok, you may have to scrape for a bit but that's what you are doing now.

Crack on with your course ....

Dont give anything else a second thought. Nothing else matters & don't be put off getting your qualifications (the course you want to do) (by him or anything else)

how can he stop you doing the course you want? - is he paying for it - No! - will he even know what course you're doing once you've started -No! (I'm sure he'll get v bored very quickly looking at your course notes)

Once you've got some more options (qualifications) then you can decide what to do with the DH...but get those options.

Anyway good for you for taking the first step towards making a brighter future.

The rest will sort itself out. One step at a time & before you know it you'll be in a completely different place.

I wish you the very best..