Mother & sister, I feel awful - long sorry

[Redpeardrop]

My mother ?does not take sides?. So, it does not matter what I do and what my sister does we are treated equally and nobody is told they are wrong.
I have worked since I was 15, I have never smoked. I did not start drinking until I left home for university. I met my husband when I was 20, we have three children, own our house (with a mortgage) and we both work. It has been far from easy but nobody helps us or has ever helped us. My sister lives nearby, does not work and has never helped me with anything.

My sister is 36, she has worked for two years of her life, the rest of the time she has her hand out for benefits. When she was 24 she had a baby. The father was a violent drug taking man who did a bit of work shifting boxes for bands so was, therefore, cool. He left her in their damp flat when she was pregnant, he went to Glastonbury and didn?t come home. She thought he was dead, but he was with another woman. She had the baby on her own, I was her birth partner. She told anyone that would listen that the baby had been conceived on every drug going. She drank and smoked throughout her pregnancy, the baby had asthma. She refused offers of places to stay and went to live in a hostel for the homeless. I took her out as often as I could and it was never a pleasure, she did not say thank you once. She took the baby to pubs at night and had one night stands with the baby lying on the floor. Then she got her own house; she was not grateful.
She lived with one man, then another. And she got pregnant again by the father of the first baby. He had gone on the have a baby with his current girlfriend so he was cheating on her this time. My sister had an abortion and now I have children I am ashamed that I had any part in it.
Then she met another ?cool? man and married him. He has started to work, she got sacked for being bad at her job, did not try to get another and then got pregnant. She still smokes. Her first child is 11, he is a mess but she can?t see it. He spends most of his time on a gaming machine, he is aggressive towards my children and he makes bleeping noises instead of talking. She thinks she is a liberal parent and she does not believe me about her child?s aggression towards my children.
Her favourite thing to do when she has an audience is to tell stories about how horrible I was to her when I was a child. She wants to do ?family things? with my family and hers. I have done these for years; I organise them, she tells nasty stories about me and her son is aggressive with my very much smaller children. I will not do ?family things? any more. She is now very angry with me and crying to my mother.

She has a car, I do not. We live in similar houses in the same place. I look after my children all day and work all night. She spends most of her time on facebook and her appearance. I pay my mother to look after my children one day a week so I can work. My mother often takes my sister?s son to her home for the weekend so my sister can get drunk, my sister does not even pay for her petrol and expects her to bring the child back to her house too. I have not been out in the evening since my first baby was born and my mother has not offered either.

My mother says it is just that people make ?different choices.? I feel terrible that all my efforts to help her and to make a good life for my children are reduced to this ? should I? Any comments please. I feel so upset by the way this goes on and on.

i agree with your mother, different people make different choices.

"I feel terrible that all my efforts to help her and to make a good life for my children are reduced to this"

to what??? what is it you feel your efforts are reduced to? you have a husband and 3 lovely children, you own a house and a car, you ahve a mother who loves you.

i don't get it. you don't have to like how your sister haslived her life, you don't even have to like her if you don't want to, but i don't really understand why this has to undermine the stuff you have achieved??

Its true different people make different choices but that doesnt make it any easier to have said people in your life does it?! Be proud of the choices you have made and talk to your Mum about the fact that you do not feel you are being treated equally. As from what you have said here you are obviously NOT being treated equally. Your sister may never be the sister you really want and there isnt much you can do about this. Im sorry it has you so down. Family can be a difficult thing, just be glad you have the sense to live your life as best you can and try not to let them get you down. xxx

Your mum is right. It is not her job to dish out love and affection based on how sensible her children are or how well they have done in life.

Where is all your anger coming from? What else is going on that you aren't telling us?

You appear to have a happy family life. Why are you letting your sister's choices eat you up like this?

why have you not had an evening out since your first baby was born? it sounds like you are frustrated with your life rather than frustrated at what your sister has done with hers.

redpeardrop I can understand how you feel although my situation is not exactly the same as yours.
I have always been independent, getting jobs, earning my own money, moving out of home as soon as I finished uni etc etc. I am married with 2 kids (and another on the way) etc... My life is far from perfect and I have made lots of mistakes and my mum has always supported me although we had our ups and downs!!!
My sister is totally different to me... I mean when she went out shopping for the day as a teenager, she would come back and say mum owed her £3 for a sandwich/macdonalds/etc she had to buy for lunch. And mum would give her money and she would take it. She is very money orientated and always has a note of how much money has been spent on something so she can have the same .
Even now she has her own house/job/life etc... she is always relying on mum. The other day I phoned mum for a chat and she said she was in tesco buying sister food for her lunch. Sister was at home waiting for AA man as her car had broken down but refused to make do with a bowl of cereal etc or to run literally across the road to corner store so mum made a 25 mile round trip to buy her a picnic lunch???
I realise this sounds petty but my sister is just taking the piss. Mum would do the same for me, but I would be too ashamed to ask for it and much more ashamed to expect it from her.
Your mum is right, your sister has made different choices to you, but I'm guessing that if you're like me you feel a bit bleugh because it upsets you to see your mum being taken for a ride and being taken advantage of?
Apologies for epic post

Sorry, forgot to say that it does get me down too. Not because I want somebody to pat me on the back and say well done for not messing up your life, just because it feels so wrong to take advantage of someone you love's better nature!

I don't think I'm angry, just confused how upset my mother and sister get me between them. I can't work out why at all.
Like you humpty, I hate to see my mother being taken advantage of but even more than that I can't understand why my mother is so happy with it.
There is nobody to babysit but my mother, my children are too young to leave with anyone else. I'm not unhappy with this, just with the unfairness of the suitation - that only I seem to see.
Thanks for your kind reply JustGem, oh for the sister I really want!!
Thisisyesterday I mean reduced to 'a choice'. It is not a choice, it has been hard hard work. I juggle helping sister through various crises, mother the same (v.long story), children, job, husband. I didn't choose this, but I'm doing my best.
Still can't understand why I feel so upset though, how do I get rid of this horrible feeling?

"I hate to see my mother being taken advantage of but even more than that I can't understand why my mother is so happy with it"

She is a grown woman & able to say no if she so wishes.

"There is nobody to babysit but my mother, my children are too young to leave with anyone else. I'm not unhappy with this, just with the unfairness of the suitation - that only I seem to see"

I ask if I want MIL to look after my dc, maybe you need to ask? Although you say they are too young to be left, so I am not sure really what the problem is.

Do you help your sister because you want to, or because you feel obligated? If it is because you feel obligated, why do you? Who/what is making you do it?

I would stop helping if that is how you feel. You have already done so much for her & as you say, she is 36 & very capable of looking after herself now.

You have the better, happier, more stable life.

Her life sounds a mess,yours sounds stable, purposeful and productive.

Statistically her children are more likely to end up as smokers, drug users, unemployed and with broken relationships - because that's the primary role model they see.

That sounds harsh but the statistics bear that out. Your children are less likely for those things to happen.

The only thing I would suggest to change things is definitely find a babysitter and start to get out - you say you pay your mother to look after them while you work, so they can't be that young.

Also, sounds as though you could do with building up a life separately from your mum and sister, so that you don't feel quite so bound up with everything they do. There is no rule that says you 'ought' to be doing all this for your sister. You are all adults, you, your mum and your sister.

Redpeardrop

You don't mention your Dad in your original post; was wondering about him and what part he played in this overall dysfunction within your original family unit.

I also think this goes back to your own childhoods; what was that like for you both. Was there overt favouritism shown then by your parents towards one of you?. It may well have been your sister at that time who was more "favoured".

Perhaps you were wanting to try and rescue or save your sister from her own self; unfortunately as you have seen such an approach does not work even with siblings. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Your sister and your Mum do seem dependent on each other; they are both getting something about of the relationship they created and your Mum enables her as well. Enabling someone does not help them or the enabler - it just gives the enabler a false sense of control.

You're getting drawn into this as well - you need your own life without them primarily in it. You need to build up a life separate from your sister and her mother. Don't let their lives eat you up inside.

Thanks so much for your help. I work from home violethill & youngest is 6 months. I think the point about having my own life is a good one, it is just work and childcare at the moment so that doesn't help.
I just feel I should look after my sister and she expects it, but I'm stopping now.
My parents divorced when I was small and Dad is uninvolved. Both parents treated my sister differently to me, I was always thought of as strong and confident she as weak and needy. Both utter nonsense.
The enabling thing sounds right Attila - so I should leave them to it and stop waiting for someone to notice me and be kind to me! God I'm sad.

Attila always knows what she is talking about!

Certainly sounds like it is time to disengage and not allow them to colour your view of life.

This will take an effort of will though, as you are so used to it.

I feel bad for you redpeardrop, but I actually feel worse for your sister's children.

As some of the other posters have said, prthaps you need to datach yourself from the situation.

I always felt that my mum favoured my younger sister, and when I was in my mid twenties I realised that the problem was not that I wasn't good enough, but that I wasn't my sister. She had got into trouble at school, with the police, mixed up with the "wrong crowd" whereas I had always been a good girl, did well at school, got a good job, behaved mself etc, but my parents always prefered her, so I decided that as it was impossible to please them, I would please myself. My sister is now 28, she had a baby last year with her boyfriend who has a child in another country. They were't living together although he has recently moved in and my sister is a good mum. She does rely on my parents a lot though and they adore her DS. We live much further away and I have no support and 3 small children, and I find it really hard.

However, and this is the important thing, my boys are growing up in a stable household. My DH is a good man and a hands on dad. We live in a nice area near good school and my boys breathe clean air. They want for nothing because we are able to provide for them financially and emotionally. They are learning (hopefully) what it means to be responsible and with any luck will be good parents themselves when they are older. Although it is hard now, it will be worth it. It sounds like you are doing the absolute best for your children, and this is what you need to focus on. You can be confident that you are making the right choices for your kids.

your parents treat her differently because she IS different.
no-one treats all their children the same because each child has different needs and demands,

if you want your mum to look after your children, or whatever, then ASK her! just like your sister does.

try and focus on your life, how stable you have made it for your children, the good things you have (job, car, house, children, husband) rather than focussing on the work your sister/mum make for you. if you don't want to support them as they lurch from crisis to crisis then that's ok, you really don't have to.

you must remmeber, as pp have said, that your mum is a grown woman and she is choosing to help your sister when she is asked. that isn/t being taken advantage of necessarily.
I say this as someone who has had a rough time of it herself and whose parents have helped her out a lot. my brother on the other hand is the most self-sufficient person i know!

It's not clear to me exactly what your gripe with your mum is.
Most working mums manage to have evenings out so I don't think that is your mum or sister's fault. Where are all the men in these families? Why can't you get a babysitter? Why can't the kids father look after the kids whilst you go out?
Your life is your life, your sister's life is hers. Her choices shouldn't affect your life and it sounds as though they don't really so I don't see why you are so resentful of her choices.
Your mum is an adult and can do what she wants.
Get your life how you want it by discussing things with your husband (I don't see why there is no-one to look after the kids when you have a husband) or get a babysitter and disengage with your mum and sister a bit if you find them so awful.
You're an adult, it's not their job to make your life perfect, just as it's not your job to sort their lives out.

I confess I'm responding to your OP only - I haven't read your other replies. I think you sound bitter and judgemental. How you live your life is up to you; your sister's, likewise, is her call.

If you have always felt this contemptuous of your sister, she may have a point about your relationship as children. Are you the eldest? I don't know why you despise her so much, but am full of admiration for your mother's even-handedness. I also feel quite sorry for your sister, still trying to get along as family in spite of your resentment.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted.

I probably am bitter ItsGraceAgain, I have been taking my sister's nastiness for years whilst keeping a smile on my face so I don't upset her. But I haven't always felt like this, it is fairly new. I confess I shocked myself when I wrote the post - but that's how I feel so there's no dodging it.
I think the secret to your peace of mind, tabbycat, is that you moved away. My sister's life affects me so much because she moved almost next door. I like the sound of your clean air - moving away might work for me too.
I don't care about the lack of evenings out, but I do care that I try to do everything right and she behaves in a selfish and nasty way and the one who gets the (metaphorical) gold stars from my mother is my sister.

how is she getting the gold stars???

she asks your mum for stuff and your mum does it, because she is her child and she loves her

jsut like if you asked her for things she would do them for you too.

OK I haven't made that clear at all. Money, cars, holidays, clothes as well as the babysitting and all my mother's empathy is with my sister, rather than me. I think she sees herself in my sister.
You are right though thisisyesterday, I don't ask for things.

but you've said that you are treated equally and that your mum doesn't take sides.

now you are saying that your sister is the favourite.

I dunno... i think what you're saying is that despite working really hard to do the "right" thing for yourself and your family you receive nothing from your mother, whereas your sister who has done bugger all gets holidays/shopping etc? yes?

I do think it's down to what you ask for. your mum maybe sees your ssister as weaker/unable to do things herself? and you need to accept that there may be reasons for that that you don't know about.

I can see why it annoys you, really I can. but you need to either ask for the things you want/need or just let it go and accept that even if you don't, your sister does!

Your mother presumably oves your sister unconditionally, and hopefully loves you the same. Are you wanting your mother to withdraw her love pro rata to the smoking / lack of jobs / calibre of boyfriend? And notch yours up according to your level of self sacrifice?

OR is it possible that your mother in some way feels guilty or responsible fo your sister having gone off the rails a bit? I think most of us would be grilling ourselves over what we had done wrong if we saw our grown up children not able to look after themselves.

Can you just be clear to yourself about YOUR life, ask your Mum if she could babysit once a month as you are feeling hemmed in and in need of a break, and when your sister asks to go on days out, just tell her you are so busy with work and 2 childen that you can't fit it in at the moment. But say it levelly, not as an accusation!

If your mother doesn't take sides then slowly extract your sister from your life, don't do her any favours. Honestly sounds as if you have got the best life, perhaps your mother can see that you need less help and there's only so many hours in the day so she's where she's needed most. Imagine you are in your mother's position what would you do?

Oh anothermum you are so right in everything you say. Do you do this professionally? If not, you should.
Thank you, I see just what is going on in my head now.