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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OW pregnant

32 replies

kittya · 27/03/2010 23:34

In your opinion, do these kind of relationships last? My bf has been with her DH for 18 years, no children. He left her 4 months ago. No children involved. She's just found out OW is pregnant with his child, I dont know what to say. Shes gutted..

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groundhogs · 27/03/2010 23:39

that poor woman, just be the best friend you can to her..

kittya · 27/03/2010 23:41

Yes, Im taking her on holiday. Its just very raw. She was getting over the fact that he'd gone after been together since they were teenagers but her being pregnant its just rubbing it it. Why couldnt they just bloody wait til the divorce was through?

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 27/03/2010 23:42

Ouch. Why did your friend and her H not have children? Were they not able to? That would make it even more painful.

jumpingjen · 27/03/2010 23:44

Well if he doesn't last he'll be lumbered with maintence payments for the next 18 years so more fool him for rushing in

kittya · 27/03/2010 23:48

well they were teenagers when they met and there were problems when they decided to but at the very eary stages of investigations. Then, one morning he ups and leaves. I dont think she was supposed to find out she was pregnant tbh, I dont know if it will affect the divorce proceedings. It had been civilised up until today.

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Ivykaty44 · 27/03/2010 23:48

I think he has already rushed in and not rushed out so to speak.

your poor friend be there for eher and make her realsie she really is going to be good on her won for a while

kittya · 27/03/2010 23:53

oh, she has been remarkably good I admire her. Until today. She must have got pregant within a couple of weeks. She is married also. Its that thing though isnt it? how come we were trying and it never happened now he sleeps with "the love of his life" a couple of times and,bingo.

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Spero · 27/03/2010 23:54

There are always exceptions to every rule, but I think in general (opinion product of much rumination and reading a shelf load of self help/psychology books)

To get over a long term relationship in a healthy way usually requires 1-2 years, even if you were the one who choses to end it, you need time to grief and to process why it went wrong etc. So rebound relationships often fail if rushed into too quickly.

Children are (according to Relate) like 'a bomb going off in a relationship'. It can be a massive shock for any couple and tends to exaggerate any difficulties already in the relationship.

Men who would treat a long term partner in such a despicable, cowardly way are likely to remain despicable cowards unless they make a real effort to change.

soooo.... my analysis would be, no this new relationship is not going to last and I am sorry for the new baby.

But I imagine that will be precious little comfort to her. She will be in horrible pain. I was upset enough finding out my ex had taken his girlfriend on a mini break so god only knows how the news of a baby would have hurt. But she is lucky at least that she has good friends who want to look out for her and be there for her.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:01

Oh, and we will be there. FFS she is gorgeous and a lovely personality. Smug gits, no wonder he has suddenly started making demands. Do you think she can now stick her heels in? they were young when they married and, quite rightly, had another ten years in them before they started to think about children. The minute the going got tough.....

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/03/2010 00:05

What do you think would be the benefit of sticking her heels in? Surely just delay the divorce and raise legal costs.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:09

well, we are all new to this divorce thing. It was straight forward then out of the blue she has this bombshell dropped on her. So, if she delays it how does she do that and to what cost to him? this is interesting because before today she just wanted it out of they way.

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Spero · 28/03/2010 00:12

There is NO benefit of sticking her heels in. Ok, maybe some short term benefit of thinking how annoyed he will be, but it will probably have the effect of just giving him and OW something to bond about and will do absolutely nothing for your friend's mental health and sense of self worth.

Again, from my extensive reading and personal experience, she needs, hard as it is, to make the break, treat him cooly and civily and try as hard as she can to move on; no thinking/obsessing about him and OW. She shouldn't waste a single second more than is necessary giving him space in her head. He has treated her terribly, he is not worth it. The longer she spends making him the focus of her rumination, the more time she wastes when hopefully there is someone lovely out there who will treat her with the respect and love she deserves.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/03/2010 00:12

I can see no real gain to her in delaying it, except to annoy him. Has she issued proceedings yet? By delaying it, I assume you mean divorcing him for adultery instead of divorcing for unreasonable behaviour. He can have a divorce in five years whether she likes it or not, and he can live as he likes until then so it really makes little difference. Except that she'll continue to feel 'attached' to him and may subconsciously be hoping he'll come back.

Ivykaty44 · 28/03/2010 00:17

Oh tell your friend to get ride o him liek ashot - laways better than dragging it out and lingering on.

It will be a 50/50 split with no childrena dn possible ask if he wats to buy her out

it is a case of getting on with her life and putting this all behind her with soem decorum

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:17

No, she doesnt want him back. And she has being going through the right channels, just that he out of the blue asked for a very large sum of money. Thats when she found out. Im perfectly sure she will go ahead but doesnt feel like handing over more money for his mistress. Im taking her out on Monday and I will be a loving friend, it just makes you so bloody angry. So sodding quick.

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Spero · 28/03/2010 00:23

It is perfectly fine for her to query the sudden need for a large sum of money and to refuse to pay out immediately. I thought you meant she would try to drag out the whole process of the divorce.

I would not agree to giving him anything unless and until he has made full disclosure of all his assets and liabilities and has explained very clearly why he wants and is entitled to a large sum of money, presumably from their joint assets.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:27

she was so 50's housewife about it all, she admits that. the point is that SHE would be paying him off, and they had come to an agreement without dragging it all out but, now he wants more and, we know why!!

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/03/2010 00:32

Oh well fine - he should definitely have to justify any financial demands he's making. Poss he is just trying his luck.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:37

yes, he is trying his luck I think because most of the assets are hers but, this is a lesson not to have everything in joint names!! still, this isnt why we are on here. Just how can I be there for her?

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/03/2010 00:38

Sounds like you are doing alright, holiday is a nice idea. Just listen to everything she says. I'm not very good at the comforting-people thing, better at the legal advice, sorry!

Spero · 28/03/2010 00:40

Tough fucking luck for him. If he can't afford a baby, should have worn a condom. Starting point will be 50/50 split of matrimonial assets. If he was higher earner or she gave up work on marriage, she may have successful argument for more. If she bought inherited assets into marriage she may be allowed to ring fence those.

If he is asking for more than 50% of joint assets because he is having a baby without someone else, this is the kind of situation where I think it is perfectly justified to get a lawyer - I am concerned that he may be trying to take advantage of her when she is feeling very down.

What about OW's assets etc? He ought to disclose those as well, if she is loaded, he has no argument for extra.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:43

OW is in debt up to her eyeballs.

Inherited money thats my friends. God, do you know these people?!!!!

Giving up work? my friend also.

Holiday, here we come!!!

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kittya · 28/03/2010 00:43

But the crap thing is, we all knew a baby would come along sooner or later. Just expected it to be further down the line.

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Spero · 28/03/2010 00:47

Sorry for deviating from main point of thread... how you can be there for her - I can only suggest what really helped me, this may not be what helps her but I suspect it rather has universal application.

Let her talk about it whenever, however she wants for the first few months at least. If you feel she is dwelling on it a bit unheathily you are entitled to gently suggest this or sympathetically point her in direction of counselling but do not say thinks like 'you've just got to get over it!' (as one now ex friend said to me)

I am sure you wouldn't be so insensitive, as you have posted on here, but it did sadden me how so few of my friends would just be there for me and let me talk. I suspect for some it was just too close to home and would have made them put the spotlight on their own relationships, so it was easier just to push it aside.

I still remember one friend, who when I came to her door, crying because I had just found out that my ex had met someone else, looked horrified and embarrassed, gave me a tissue and then changed the subject and never even asked me how I was feeling when we met a few days later. We are still nominally 'friends' but I found that so hurtful.

So, a listening ear, comfort, distractions, practical help - she may feel overwhelmed trying to deal with everything by herself.

kittya · 28/03/2010 00:50

you're not deviating from the thread. thank you I will take on board what you have said when I meet her on Monday. I hope you are ok now.

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