For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge

[TimeForMe]

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

I hope no one minds me resurrecting an old thread but in light of some of the posts recently I thought it might be useful to someone needing help and reassurance.

As for me, almost four years down the line, well, life is amazing! From the day I left I remained focussed and determined and I just kept going in one direction, forwards! I went back to college, passed exams, got a job, then a better job, bought a car then got an even better job and now I have the best job ever! And I am The Senior Manager!! Even I cannot believe how far I have come and how good life is, it's like a dream.

DD has continued to flourish and is now a beautiful, confident, intelligent and funny 11 year old. She started secondary school this September and I attended her first parents evening this week, a report full of 1's and a few 2's, I am not ashamed to say I had a very proud mummy moment, but there again I have those on a regular basis! To this day DD will tell me that 2010 was her best year ever, because "that's the year we left" and she was only 7 at the time, too young to know what was going on I thought. How wrong was I!!

I still support WA as much as I can, more in way of donations now than practical help but I will always support them, they are amazing. We are very lucky to have such support, if it hadn't been for them I wouldn't be where I am now

Ok, enough about me, but if you got this far thanks for reading and I do hope my post encourages anyone who can't see a way out, can't see a future free from abuse, to pick up the phone and make that call. Happiness could be yours in a heartbeat

What a lovely update, so pleased that you and your beautiful girl are flourishing. I hope your post inspires others in abusive relationships to find the courage they need to leave xx

Timeforme, i remember your original post. It was so honest and heartfelt and written so eloquently that I went back to read it many times. I've no doubt your story was inspiration for many to take that first courageous step to break free. I am delighted to hear your update. I wish you and your lovely DD every success and happiness for your future.

I think MNHQ should make your original post a sticky on the Relationships Board.

Thank you so much

I too hope others find inspiration in my post and take the leap of faith, because that's exactly what I did in the end, I stopped thinking, over thinking, planning, worrying and excusing and just picked up the phone, it wasn't easy to do, it was one of the hardest things I have ever forced myself to do, but it was also the best.

Wow. You are an inspiration. Thank you for re-posting.

You sound amazing. So does your DD. Thanks for bumping this.

Thank you for posting this. I hope other women read this in abusive relationships and do the same.

What a fantastic positive message, well done OP

Very well done on all of your hard work, Time. I know how hard it is and it seems you handled it all brilliantly.
Then to come and share in order to help others. You should be so proud of yourself

Thank you for sharing your story :-)
I am pleased to hear that your life is still full of positives, for both you and your daughter!

Well done :-)

I also remember your original post, so glad that your life opened up and you are living the one you deserve- and your dd deserves too. Very inspiring.

Thank you for all of your lovely words

Gosh, what a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your story which will undoubtedly help others make that difficult decision. Best wishes for the future.

You are a true inspiration. I had never read any of your posts before today but have welled up reading them now, especially the bits about your DD. You have done an incredible thing for her and she's so lucky to have you as her mum.

Can I ask if your DD has had contact with her dad since you left? I'm not in an abusive relationship myself but my friend is and she worries about how her husband would behave towards the children if she left. Please don't feel you have to answer this though

Congrats once again - you should be so, so proud of yourself. (As an aside, you write beautifully too!)

What an inspirational post TimeForMe :) So glad you made that break to leave and how fab WA were! Your experience here is so important to help others trapped in DV situations who feel they have nowhere to turn...total inspiration!

This is such a lovely thread

I'm glad things are going so well for you and your DD OP. You are very insparational and I hope your story shows others that their is hope after abuse.

Best wishes x

Can I just say how remarkable it was and is, that in that situation one of your first thoughts was how to help other people escape abuse, too? Incredibly unselfish and decent thing to do, at a time when nobody could blame you for a second for focusing on your own wellbeing.

So delighted things are going so well for you. And what a valuable thread.

Time, thank you so much for the update. Wow wee - a funny intelligent 11 year old and an independent woman with a Senior Manager post! OMG well done, you and your daughter are truly an inspiration. I left my violent EXH with a one and half year old and pregnant and honestly 15 years later will never forget locking the door of my tiny, really unattractive first floor flat, thinking thank God!

I was utterly petrified of him and only left because I was finally too scared to stay. He was so devious and put on such a facade of respectability that I often wondered if I was as crazy as he used to tell me I was. He used to sit with my family and be really nice and then have me by the throat next to my parents' bedroom wall. It took me years to pluck up the courage and in the end I was escorted out by police. Any level of abuse is horrific and if it's clouded in respectability it doesn't make it any less dangerous. I look at my teenage DC and wonder how damaged their lives would be if we still lived with him.

I know how hard it is to leave and I think your post has single handedly encouraged women to get the hell out. Well done and thanks again for reminding us that the impossible is possible.

PERFECT X

Thanks for sharing that. Well done for having the courage to leave and I'm really glad the refuge has been so supportive and helpful for you. Good luck for your future.

Thank you again for you lovely words. When I left I did want to be an inspiration to my DD but also, moving into refuge is such a huge step I didn't want to waste a second of the experience, I wanted it to be a turning point and I wanted to gain from it, so I made sure I did. Pure determination and drive has got me to the point I am at today, I honestly have not stopped for breath, I have just kept on moving forward, setting goals for myself as I've gone and moving onto the next one as soon as one is achieved.

My DD has been amazing. For the first few weeks he tried to get me to go back, he was charm personified. DD would whisper in my ear "mummy, you aren't going to love daddy again are you?" of "mummy we aren't going to live in daddys house again are we?" She helped to keep me focussed, when a 7 year is whispering things like that in your ear it brings out an overwhelming urge to protect them from whatever it is they fear but cannot verbalise.

In fact, it was DD who made me realise I had to leave. It was Christmas 2009, he kicked off because I hadn't, in his opinion, loaded the dishwasher properly, I asked him not to start in front of DD but he did and he was vile, I was in tears, he wanted to kick me out (his house) I told him I had no money to leave, DD disappeared but reappeared, pressing a £2 coin into my hand. I was too upset for it to register at the time but the following day I tried to give her the £2 coin back but she refused it "No mummy, you told daddy you had no money to leave, so that is from me so you can leave." She had taken the coin from her money box. I decided that very day that I had to get us out of there. Later, while in refuge I found photographs on her DSi that she had taken of him raging at me and me crying. Quite shocking.

leafygreens Yes, DD does have contact with him. When he knew I wasn't going back he continued his abuse through the courts and one of the things he took me to court for was contact. What sickened me most about that was his solicitor was a woman and even after hearing all he had put me through she treated me with contempt and him like a hero! I know it's a job and they have to do it but personally, I could not represent a man against the woman he had abused. He was granted weekend overnight contact every other weekend and one overnight midweek BUT although he got it on paper he didn't stick to it so maybe sees DD once a week. DD refuses to sleep over, she is happy to see him for a day but wants to come home and that's fine by me. He's a disney dad, if he throws money at her then he's done his bit.

perfectstorm while in refuge I supported the other ladies in there, I went to appointments with them, encouraged one of them to sign up to a college course, listened to them, gave them a hug when they cried, looked after babies while they went to appointments, I was very hands on. But I did crash when I first came out, I felt lost, I had spent so much time supporting others but now I was forced to face my own situation. I didn't want to be a victim of his, I wanted to be a survivor so I made goals and set about achieving them. I did have to fake it until I felt it for a good few months but the day you wake up actually feeling it is an amazing feeling

whitesugar I too can remember locking the door to HIS house for the last time, pushing HIS keys through HIS letterbox, knowing he would be so angry when he came home to find us gone but I felt so calm because I knew we would be safe. He wouldn't be able to touch me. I almost wished I could be there to see the look on his face and see his reaction. He had had CCTV fitted and would check it back to see the times I had been out (he used to check the mileage on the car and cross reference ) so I got great pleasure from unplugging the whole system so he wouldn't be able to look back and see me leaving.

I will also never forget DD sat across from me, strapped into the seat of the mini bus WA had sent to collect us. She had carefully strapped her teddy into the seat next to her, she didn't cry but she had this worried little look on her face, explaining to her teddy she didn't know where we were going but telling him not to worry because we were going to live in a little flat (how I had described refuge to her) and we would get a dog and still be a family. She trusted me to take care of her, I couldn't afford to crack, I had to be strong for DD, I needed her to feel safe and secure, free to be a little girl without worry so, once again she was my inspiration.

That brought tears to my eyes. Such a moving story. You must be so proud of your daughter and yourself! And so you should be.
You gave each other strength when it was needed and you are both reaping the benefits of your decision. Really, well done!

Thank you And yes, I am very very proud of DD, she truly is amazing.

Thanks for posting .... Pleased it's working for you and your dd

This has to be the most amazing post I've read on MN!

What an inspiration you are and thank you for sharing your wonderful story.

So glad it's been bumped cos many women need this info.

Speaking as one who also left an abusive relationship. My DS has only flourished because of it.