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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found make-up on DH's shirt collar.......

45 replies

TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 15:34

....and it's not mine! DH has a bad habit of letting his dirty clothes pile up at the side of the bed. I was sorting through the pile to put on a wash and found his white 'going out' shirt pushed way under the bed with what appears to be make-up on the collar. It actually looks like foundation on the back of the neck and lipstick on the collar itself.

We haven't been getting on lately but I have no reason to suspect he is playing around. Not sure how to ask him about this - he is likely to get angry and probably storm to the pub for the night. I can't think of any "innocent" reasons for these marks on his shirt - help!

OP posts:
justallovertheplace · 26/03/2010 15:37

It is entirely possible that it is innocent. If he has gone out, it is very easy to get other people's make up on yourself as you brush past them in a busy bar

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 15:45

thanks for replying justallovertheplace I think that is possible but what appears to be foundation is on the inside of the collar (as if the shirt had been worn by the make-up wearer) and the lipstick is in exactly the place where lips would meed IYSWIM

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 15:46

Meet i mean

OP posts:
justallovertheplace · 26/03/2010 15:47

Are you sure it's not just sweat? My dad used to work a manual job and at the end of the day the back of his shirt collar was disgusting and looked just like foundation would?

Hassled · 26/03/2010 15:52

All you can do is show him the shirt and ask him what it is. Don't do it in a "you bastard" sort of way - just be matter of fact. And watch his reaction.

Have your DCs/DC used face paint recently?

SheWillBeLoved · 26/03/2010 15:53

Maybe he is partial to a bit of make up now and again?

Honestly though, just ask him. Either that, or casually say something like "God knows what those stains were on your shirt collar but it took me half a tub of Vanish to get them out!", and judge his reaction.

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 15:53

when his collars are dirty they are usually that icky grey - and it def looks like lipstick (different shade) to the 'foundation'. Can't get that song out of my head now either, not sure whether to laugh or cry!

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/03/2010 15:56

Could easily be innocent. Maybe an acquaintance went to kiss him on the cheek in a busy bar and misaimed a bit?

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 15:57

Hassled and SheWillBeLoved I think you are both right ie to be casual about it rather than confrontational - will find it hard because I feel so strung out at the moment. DD's haven't used face paints (they are almost 12)

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 26/03/2010 16:00

I say be casual, although my reaction would probably be to say "If you're going to let some tart smear her cheap make up all over your white shirt, at least make sure she has the decency to give it a wash for me!"

Mongolia · 26/03/2010 16:02

Put the children to bed, serve him a cup of whatever (not poison though...), switch the television off and calmly ask him to explain him how he got make up on his shirt.

Let him talk, don't interrupt him and look at his eyes, if he can't keep them still, there's something fishy.

Keep your composture, don't back off (he hid a going out shirt with make up under the bed), don't raise your voice, and let him talk, you can get far more information keeping your mouth shut than trying to extract it verbally.

If he blows off, blames you for being overly suspicious when you have NEVER been in the past, and storms out of the house without saying anything else.... It is bad news I'm afraid, although how bad it's difficult to know.

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 16:04

"If you're going to let some tart smear her cheap make up all over your white shirt, at least make sure she has the decency to give it a wash for me!"

I'd love to say that to him but I fear his reaction will be that I am stupid to even think it another woman's make-up. He is the sort that will deny black is white, which is why I'm worrying about how to approach this with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 16:09

Thanks Mongolia that's what is bugging me, the shirt was pushed way under the bed and not with the general pile at the side. The thing is if he wasn't so damn lazy (the dirty linen basket is at the bottom of the bed) and had shoved the shirt in there I probably would never have even noticed the marks on it

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/03/2010 16:32

Look on the bright side then. Maybe some misguided woman is going to take him off your hands. Result!

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 16:33

tippy, from what you say, you have more problems within your marriage than the possibility your husband has make-up on his shirt

you can't discuss it with him because he will call you stupid, shut right down and fuck off to the pub ?

oh dear

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 26/03/2010 16:36

Deep inside you what do you think he has been doing? A one night stand, an affair.....? Does he have previous or has anything else happened recently to make you suspect anything?

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 16:39

AF that's spot on. We had "words" Tuesday evening which resulted in him staying out all night - I'm pretty sure he wasn't wearing that shirt though. I'm a MUG x squillion obviously

OP posts:
Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 16:43

I can't think him capable of an affair - we have discussed this in general and hates that type of deception - I can't just ignore these marks though innocent or not (i'm thinking not)

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/03/2010 16:48

'hates that type of deception' - doesn't mean a thing. Loads of people say they hate xyz and then do it, it's called hypocrisy.

Are you sure the foundationy stuff is on the inside of the collar?

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 16:48

You don't know at this point if he is having an affair

just because he doesn't seem the "type", doesn't mean he isn't

there is no "type"

this board is littered with women who said they didn't think there partners were capable of it

however

the fact you are too frightened to ask him is the crux here

I think you need to think very carefully about the balance of power in your relationship

he stays out all night ? You have to swallow it because he will call you stupid, accuse you of being paranoid and fuck off into the sunset again ?

no

you don't have to live like that

whether there is anything to this make-up on the shirt shenanigans, or not

bluecheesefiend · 26/03/2010 16:50

This might be the worst advice ever, but would you maybe pop it to one side for a while (mentally I mean) and just keep an eye on his general behaviour - look for any other signs that might confirm your fears.

I know it might seem a bit cowardly, but if there is someone else, he'll find it harder to deny if you've got more than just one piece of evidence, whereas if this is perfectly innocent, you'll have saved yourself the confrontation that you're dreading.

I don't know what else to suggest that doesn't involve snooping but if he's hard to confront, it might be worth fortifying your position before you go in to battle IYSWIM.

bluecheesefiend · 26/03/2010 16:52

I'd also like to add that AnyFucker makes some damn good points...!

edwardcullensotherwoman · 26/03/2010 16:57

I think a casual mention is probably best if you're worried about that reaction from him. Sitting down and talking about it with someone who can easily sit and deny black is white is very difficult ime. If you really don't think he's capable of an affair, hopefully you will find it was all just innocent.
Watch his reaction to your casual mention of the "stains on his white shirt", that'll tell you whether he's being honest about how they came to be there.
Good luck tippy, hope it all turns out to be innocent

Original poster
TippyTumbles · 26/03/2010 16:59

Brahms just checked again and yes the marks are on the inside.

AF I know who has the balance of power and it aint me! Tuesday he went over the pub "for a couple" at 7pm, at 10pm I phoned him to ask him if he was coming home to which he replied no , he was having too much fun. It was me who told him not to bother coming home at all then.

When he is in drink he gets up in the middle of the night to go to the loo but will head anywhere apart from the bathroom. I can't sleep because I have to stay alert to make sure he doesn't piss in the wardrobe/barges into the kids' room etc. He can get very agressive which is why i told him not to bother coming home. He knows I worry when he drinks to excess but he doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/03/2010 17:01

I'd let the make up lady have him tbh.