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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of (sort of) affair and I feel sad

41 replies

sarah2010 · 26/03/2010 12:08

I know I will get no sympathy for this but it is so long since I have had this feeling or any other I can't remember what to do?
So please help if you can.
Been having a very intimate and what felt close relationship with a man. It did not develop into a physical thing because I am married and he has a girlfriend but we did both want it to but knew it was wrong.
I am now devastated because he has pulled back on contact (so i have too) but I miss him and just want to get over it as I know there is no where for it to go but i feel obsessed and like a teenager even though i am in my forties!
Although I have stopped taking his calls a few days ago and did not go to a pre arranged meeting the other day in an attempt to get over this I cannot help hoping he will call - what can I do? I need to get this person out of my head.

OP posts:
veryconfusedandupset · 26/03/2010 13:25

I'm a bit busy at the moment, but thought you might welcome a quick response. The answer is about 3 months. It will be horrible to begin with and then you will start having good days, then you will have little relapses and think you re getting nowhere and then a day will come when you don't think about him at all. There was a thread on here for people who have been dumped - which is a rather different situation I know. People seemed to find it easier if they just flung themselves into a programme of self improvement and social activity. Sorry if this is a little terse, may be able to get back later.

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2010 13:43

All you can do is wait. Time will heal this one. Don't be fooled into thinking that becuase you feel sad, you should get in touch with him.

It is inevitable that you will feel sad for quite a while - sorry.

littlemisschatalot · 26/03/2010 13:58

sarah, with u here. this is happening to me too. something very intense and quick happened with me and a male friend. he decided that as i was married he didnt want to be responsible for the breakup of my marraige, so ended it. i feel a bit bereft and sad, but know its for the best. it does feel like unfinished business though, and i now think i only ant him so much as i cant have him..... hugs. it is awful x

Original poster
sarah2010 · 26/03/2010 15:18

Thank you so much for responding!!! I am really grateful.
I know in a way it is something of nothing.
It felt so intense and now it feels horrible - I wonder if he feels like it too or do men just shrug and think s** it??

OP posts:
agasarecool · 26/03/2010 17:41

sarah

this happened to me when my marriage ended. i had a really close male friend who was there for me, nothing physical, just really good friend. When i separated from xh we thought about getting together, got close to it a couple of times, didn't - i was so sad for a good couple of months.

But it will get better, honestly...

But in the meantime, lots of sympathy winging its way over the internet to you.

Devendra · 26/03/2010 18:05

Well maybe you should be with him?

umma · 26/03/2010 20:23

Go cold turkey.....concentrate on your kids/social life, anything to get you through.

eatsshootsleaves · 26/03/2010 20:24

Sarah.
Time will heal things. You will feel intense to start with but occupy yourself with other things.

You are doing the right things by not being in contact. I'm afraid it is the only way to deal with the situation even though it will hurt to begin with. It will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

NoahAndTheWhale · 26/03/2010 20:25

It takes a while tbh. Longer than 3 months in my experience. I think I am nearly totally over it but has been about 3.5 years since it ended. Having absolutely no contact does help.

Original poster
sarah2010 · 27/03/2010 02:22

thanks everyone - it does feel better to know you are not the only one as well. I am grateful to you all for reading and responding.

OP posts:
agasarecool · 27/03/2010 06:36

Sarah

Just wanted to say, still thinking of you hun. And it will get better in the end.

Intergalactic · 27/03/2010 07:39

Noah, 3.5 years, that's useful, thanks. My affair has been over for more than 1.5 years and I still think of him almost every day. I wouldn't ever think of going back though, unless things changed drastically with DH.

Sarah, definitely don't contact him and think about what you can do to make yourself happy. The best thing to come out of my affair is the realisation that I have to be responsible for achieving my own goals and happiness, getting what I want out of life is up to me.

denman · 27/03/2010 14:18

More support here - in early stages of no contact with OM. He's an old boyfriend of mine - got back in touch and all the feelings were still there. We are both attached so have had to let go.

It sucks big time

avacado · 27/03/2010 19:58

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umma · 27/03/2010 20:50

Try and go cold turkey....it's hard but you deserve so much more, draw a line under it. Honestly I know what it's like, almost like an addiction, isn't it?!

avacado · 28/03/2010 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gladididit · 29/03/2010 10:07

glad i saw this. makes one feel so much better when others have been or are going through the same thing. mine is a year now, have met a few times and been intimate but its going no where. he is single but i am not and if i did not have kids i know i would be there with him. i have to stop it but can't. not fair on my dh (i care about him but dont love him) or my children. life is a real bitch. good luck x

avacado · 29/03/2010 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

horridperson · 29/03/2010 17:37

i know how you feel. it is like an addiction, i keep checking my inbox and on facebook, but nothing. he wont contact me, he wants me to leave but its not that easy and his life is very different to mine. i can't bare the thought of never seeing him again and just wish i could go to sleep for 5 months, wake up and be over all of this. i wake up thinking of him, think of him all day and go to sleep thinking of him lol

horridperson · 29/03/2010 17:40

i try so hard at home, but dh jsut puts me down all the time, i think i am just looking for someone who says nice things.
have sugested relate to dh today, but he wnet mad and said its me who is mad not him!!!

Intergalactic · 29/03/2010 18:02

horridperson (and I'm sure you're not horrid!) it sounds like you have real problems with your DH. Obviously I only have your brief comment to go on, but it sounds like he might be emotionally abusive and if he continues to refuse to discuss your problems reasonably then I think you should think hard about whether you want to be with him (don't think about the OM in this, focus on whether your relationship with your DH is any good regardless). Getting into a rut where you don't say nice things to your partner is one thing, but deliberately putting them down is quite another and from what you've said, your DH's behaviour is unacceptable.

lifeisbetter · 23/01/2012 14:28

I understand what you are going through as I have been living the same thing as you are now for 2.5 years.

The only way to get over this person is to have absolutley no contact.

I can't tell you how much better I feel now after not speaking to OM for so long. I have gone from utter despair and depression (not being able to get out of bed to look after the kids type depression) to feeling like my old self again. If he was still on the horizon, if I could contact him or see him, it wouldn't have been like that.

My marriage was far from perfect - I had an emotionally abusive DH which didn't help keep me from dreaming of my OM. But having the 'affair' didn't help. It just made it worse. It confused me, made me pine, feel trapped, sapped my energy.

Anyway, I told my DH and we went through hell and back. By then I had decided if I was going to leave DH I'd do it without running to another man. That made things easier - helped me break down each part of my life more effectively. He convinced me to give him another chance and he went to councelling to sort his head out. It worked, he took responsibility for his part and I did mine. Now we're so much better together.

We'll never have an ideal marriage, but we do have a lot and now I count my blessings for my DH and my family everyday.

My life is better without the complications and emotioanl trauma of an affair and yours will be as well so try and put it behind you. Work hard, start something new. Your efforts may seem fruitless at the start, but stick with it and you will find you will move on.

We are all vulnerable to temptation - even the people who believe they are not. If you find yourself in the thick of it, just keep the faith and get out as soon as you can. Look to how you were before it all started and aim to get back to being that person again as soon as possible.

You'll get your down days like I do. But they are infrequent now and I just chide myself for being in a whimsical kind of mood when they happen and I start dreaming of him again. It's usually around mid cycle - ovulation time - so I can tell when I'm going to feel at my weakest.

Good luck - to you and all of the other MNers on this thread in the same situation.

Abitwobblynow · 23/01/2012 14:36

This is an addiction and a fantasy and you need to go cold turkey.

It is NOT REAL. It is the fantasy of the handsome prince that will sweep you away and you will live happily ever after. Or, why don't you phone his wife and get her sympathy??? (that would burst your bubble) Won't do that? Well you know its wrong then.

Don't indulge yourself with this. You never smelt his farts under the duvet, you never came up against him refusing to solve a problem with you, you never saw his dark, angry side. His wife on the other hand, does have to deal with all of this. And I bet she would love to have a bit of the 'connection' that he gave to you.

Abitwobblynow · 23/01/2012 14:41

Sorry to be blunt, but 'he' isn't your solution.

This is your problem: i am just looking for someone who says nice things.
have sugested relate to dh today, but he wnet mad and said its me who is mad not him!!!

Be firm, repeat that you want to go to Relate, that if he refuses to go you will go on your own. Have you ever read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner? Well, if you do this, you will be changing the steps of the Dance (ie, him going mad hasn't turned your determination. He won't like it, but you won't be bowing down any more, ie you will be changing the M from your side, which is all you can do.)

CalamityKate · 23/01/2012 14:46

ABSOLUTELY no contact. Do all you can to ensure contact is impossible; block his number/change yours, block on FB etc etc.

Burn any cards/gifts.

IME, if you do all that you recover MUCH faster but it's a bit like giving up smoking - you have to really WANT to get over it.

Good luck.