DH left me at 7am this morning

[theloneliestgirlintheworld]

I've namechanged as come on here often.

Me and DH have been married for 9 years and have 2 kids under 6years old.

For the last 3 years we have had some awful rows culminating in screaming shouting and sometimes pushing and shoving.

DH stonewalls when I come to him with a problem such as his drinking every single night, smoking 2 or 3 spliffs every night, lack of interest in my life, activities etc.

DH seems so stuck in a rut - he hates his job, does little round the house, only ever wants to go on holiday to visit his family but never jsut the 4 of us on a normal family holiday.

He has said that my temper and anger is a massibve problem and he cant talk to me. I have PCOS and am going make to the DRs as a show of commitment to see if they can help wiht my PMT etc.

So, we have been rowing since mothersday - every little things becomes a huge drama to him, he keeps sayng 'we cant go on like this'. I keep trying to be positive and show him through my actions I want this to work, but he does nothing apart from lie on the sofa each night and sulk about it all. If I ask himj for reassurance as i am very worried he does want to end it all, he stonewalls me, I get frustrated and hassle him more, he stone walls even more and then I freak out and he calls me insane and disgusting.

Last night was awful, he wants me to take all the blame in the rleationship and when I tried to point out how sad he was making me and how insecure - he kicked off again and threatned to leave, so I threw his keys and wallet i nto the road and told him to jsut go.

He didnt there and then but packed a suitcase with enough clothes for 4 days and left for work this morning with it....

I dont know what to do now. I have written a long list of what i hate about our marriage and then wrote what I love about our marriage and I couldnt think of what to put apart from the kids and our little house...

Its all such a mess, I'm so tired of trying the cheerleader this marriage, get little in return and then get blamed for when I get so cross about it...

Sorry about dreadful typing! My nails are too long and my PC is dodery!

I'm really sorry for you, have you spoken to him today?

You poor thing, do you know where he has gone?

No....

I havent wanted to 'chase' him so to speak. But when I pick the kids up later (left work early today as wasnt cophing well at work and kids are in afterschool club) they are going to ask where he is...

Plus eldest child woke up duing some of the rowing last night. He did ask me the other week if Daddy would get a new house and live there instead becuase of the rowing My sibling recently split up with his partner too! His wife kicked him out for being so lazy and abusive when drunk)

God this is horrid... I cant eat and am trying to 'mummy' myself with lots of cups of tea

Blue - he had a head office meeting 200 miles away today and has taken suitcase with him. Should imagine though he'll stay at his bestfriends house tonight at least. However his best mate is moving away on Sunday permantely

you know...i think it is good he has gone off to give space to think...not good just going like that - but this is forcing the issue and maybe gives you both chance to see where future is. because it ahsnt been good and it wasnt going anywhere...

listen to what your child said: you dont want to restore an unhappy household..

focus on the dcs - can they call him on his mobile?

let them speak to him - let him tell them "i will see you as soonn as i can" - whatever ...

you can say "he has gone away with work" for now.

best you two have thinking time...

is horrible you left "holding the baby" but can you get rl support, family friends, arange something nice for dcs on weekend?

cestlavie has given some good advice there...a couple of days thinking space, maybe send him a text, saying that you understand and are ready to talk whenever he wants to.

In the meantime, do something nice with the DCS this weekend.

feel for you lonliestgirl

I think your right Cestlavie. A GF on the phone just said the same thing. A big part of me is anxious he actually comes back tonight. I'd rather he didnt right now.

I dont mind looking after the kids. He has a weekend away with just his family a month ago and I had the dawning feeling that I wasnt looking forward to him coming home... everything seemed so calm and peaceful when he wasnt there adn as soon as he came back - it all kicked off again within hours

off to slap on lots of make up and pick up the kids... daddy is on a business trip...

Good Luck

Pushing and shoving in rows not great, apart from everything else. Who does this, both of you?

It sounds a horrendous relationship. It isn't going to work and is a very destructive environment for the kids unless you both act more like adults and treat each other with love and consideration. if you can't do that then you're better apart surely? I wouldn't want an alcoholic druggie pushy, shouty, sulky husband and would be cheering if I were in your shoes. The fact that you aren't suggests that you enjoy all the drama and would be bored with a relationship like mine.
Relate sounds like a good idea.

Wow 2rebecca?! Which charm school did you go to?

2rebecca I think lonliestgirl is rightly confused and upset that is is coming to this. no-body wants a marriage to fail. no-matter how much you may prepare yourself for the prospect that things aren't right and may never be, when d-day comes it is shock to the system. Afterall who would get married in the first place if it had been this way all along? no-one marries someone thinking terrible things about them unless you are an idiot or a goldigger. I don't think it is the drama lonliestgirl likes! afterall they were happier for 6 years without the drama, this has been happening for 3 years. I think its more likely to be called 'trying to make things work'? when that fails I don't think anyone feels like cheering with the prospect of the fall-out on the kids and future too.

Having said that I do however agree with one thing you said, relate may help but it didn't help with mine. Although it did highlight that we were never going work and confirmed my ex dp was an arsefacedbuttmunch and that I was totally right for dumping him the first time round . Thankfully the therapist agreed after he shouted her down for daring to question him..:/. I still didn't feel like having a party though. Although now I am thankful everyday I made that decision with two kids or not.

Lonliestgirl, I hope you find a way through this, I know it is nightmare. Thoughts are with you. If you have tried all you can taking into account any changes you and he have gone through together or individually, therapy etc etc then you can do no-more . The list you made doesn't sound too promising, it does sound like you are at a point of letting it ride or you would be fighting for it. I think once the fight has gone just fear remains and fear of the future is not a reason to stay in a relationship x

Innit just!! charming that!.... christ... lol:/

You wrote a list of what you love and loathe about your marriage. Which list was longer?.
You are all clearly happier when he is not around so why continue with this pitiful existance which is making you all unhappy.

You are not responsible for him and his problems. He is self medicating his problems with alcohol and drugs instead of wanting to deal with why he is in this dark place to start with. He may never want to work out why either.

Your marriage is not working at all and is I would argue, untenable in the long term.

He is projecting all his issues onto you; I would argue that you are angry at him as a result of his behaviours and that his actions are causing your physical symptoms as well.

What your eldest has said is also very telling; these children know more than you perhaps want to realise and it is easy for you to fall into denial in these situations.

Living in such a warzone for a house is not doing them any favours at all and will affect them longer term as adults. These children would not thank you for staying with such a man and could as adults accuse you of putting him before them. This is not a legacy you want to be leaving them.

You can remain in the house with your children and you can ask him to leave. You need to know where you stand legally, would urge you to seek legal advice and determine what you would receive if you were to legally separate. You could manage on your own if you wanted to.

At the end of the day you have a choice re him and his behaviours shown towards you. Your children do not.

Actually,I´m with Rebecca-apart from OP enjoying the drama.
OP-reread your post-what would you say to someone who wrote that?

I just couldn't see any way I'd even contemplate staying in a relationship like that. no-one has pushed me since I was about 14.
I'm never sure how people get in these relationships where they push and shout at each other, they must have a completely different idea of unreasonable behaviour towards someone you want to share a house and bed with to me.
I also hate shouting, and wouldn't live with someone who shouted at me, but know some couples who enjoy it and love a bit of "who's afraid of virginia Wolf" type melodrama now and again and feel shouting clears the air, and they then enjoy all the reconciliation sex etc.

Well I can categorically say that I do not love the drama of it all. I don't love walking on egg shells, I don't love being taken for granted and told i'm mental, I don't love having to try and jolly everything all, and I don't love this situation we are now in. This has all happened in a drip drip fashion. It's not as simple as getting all Beyonce and just kicking him out like that. I have no money saved, my contract with my job ends next week and the kids really love him. Plus my mum is dead and my dad is end stage in a care home. So 2rebecca, bully for you having a perfect relationship and a strong sense of self.

You have already thrown his wallet and keys into the street and he is now out of the home for the next few days because of work.

It is hard extricating yourself from a bad relationship but you must do this ultiamtely for all your sakes. Staying in a poor unhealthy relationship like this one is, is nothing short of tragic frankly for you and your children.

You have all these obstacles but barring your dad's current circumstances these can be overcome. It still does not change the fact that this situation is very damaging for you and your children to be in.

Abuse as well does happen in a drip drip fashion and you're all becoming increasingly harmed emotionally by his unreasonable behaviour. He is refusing to take any responsibility for the relationship; this in itself is a bad sign.

I am certain too that your late Mother would be horrified to see her daughter in such an awful marriage. What would she want for you now?.

You have the house - this is an asset but its bricks and mortar at the end of the day. You can get him removed from the marital home; as his wife you are in a far better position legally than someone who is unmarried. Consider finding out what your legal rights are.

Will they not consider extending your contract re your job?.

As for your children, they do not have a choice. You do though. Do you think your children have not heard all the shouting because they have and know more than you realise. They probably still love him but they see how he treats you (abusively) and by turn them and they are likely to be deeply unhappy. They could well be thinking that they themselves are the cause of their parents problems. You do not want this as their legacy.

You will all be happier without his malign prescence in your day to day lives.

There is tough talk, and then there is mean talk. Rebecca I feel you may have crossed the line.
OP's husband has just left, and she is probably feeling very fragile. By all means give your opinion, but try to remember that this is her life not just a scenario for us to comment on. Sorry to be so harsh on you Rebecca, and like the OP it is great you have such a strong sense of self. But not everyone is quite so fortunate.

Loneliest I really feel for you. I think you know that things are going to change.
Either he agrees to change his behaviour - cut down the drinking and get rid of the drugs OR you are going to separate.
Really they are the only 2 acceptable options. I know it would be easier to slip back into the way things have been, but is that really the best thing? Is this the way you want it to be forever? You as the peacemaker walking on eggshells. I think not.

It is hard and scary, but now things have finally come to a head, and this is an opportunity for things to be better.

Sorry to hear about your Dad too.

The bloke didn't really just leave though contrary to the thread header, he was chucked out by his wife. If my husband told me to go and chucked my keys and purse out into the road I wouldn't feel I had left him, more that he had thrown me out. It sounds more like they both wanted a period apart rather than he just upped and left.

Rebecca, you aren't being terribly helpful here.
He came back yesterday and said he would change his behaviour and wants to go to Relate. I'm pretty surprised! So i'll give it one more go and we have both agreed if it doesn't work this time then we'll call it a day.

theloneliest,

What has really changed re him, I do not wish to sound cynical here but people do not change overnight. Is he really ready to give up on his previous lifestyle?.

So has he made the appointment yet, how long will you give him to do this?.

Actions too speak louder than words; he may well be saying Relate to appease you and keep you acquiescent.

Attila
I need to give him one more chance to prove he can change - he came back late on Friday evening and to be honest I was ready to end it all and I think he realised that. He went and spoke with his best friend who I think made him realise he does have a lot to answer for.
So far this weekend, his actions have been true to his word - done lots round the house, had a lot of get up and go - a weekend full of being out and about and doing things, him planning to revitalise the garden and doing exercise... so we'll see. I have my Drs appointment today so we'll see how that helps on my side.

I was very clear that it if it goes back to the way it was - its over. he agreed too as its not good for the kids or us.

So there we have it.