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Original poster

have I done the right thing? I feel so guilty

28 replies

em1234 · 25/03/2010 09:25

I have just changed the locks on my home so that my partner can't come back. He agreed to us having a break and is out of London but I know I can't have him back. We have 3 month old triplets and a six year old and the last 6-9 months have been horrendous between us. He has just lost his latest job for being 'intoxicated and extrememly aggressive and abusive on the premises'..has been staying out all night coming in drunk at 8 am and I found out he'd spent just under two thousand pounds in a lap dancing club - this is after he lost his job! He has no money at all and I know if I let him back in next week (he's requested three days here to sort out his stuff) he won't go...and I'll be back to square one. Why do I feel so terrible?? I've done everything for him for the last 8 years, found him every job, organised every aspect of our lives...I think I'm so used to mothering him. there have been so many awful scenes that have led me to this point, he has never hit me but throws things around and screams and shouts..gets in a total fury - it's all the stress of three tiny babies and us living in a small flat but he takes none of the responsibility and is furious with me for putting him in this situation. I guess I did push him into ivf - my mum paid for it and he's still staying he wishes he'd never agreed. It's just that classic thing of when he's lovely he's so lovely and is a very loving dad to our son. I know when he sees the email telling him that Ive changed the locks he's going to go ballistic and will make me feel like the biggest bitch on the planet. Am I?? I'd appreciate your thoughts....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/03/2010 09:27

are you legally entitled to change the locks?

do you have local support?

EmmaKateLouise · 25/03/2010 09:33

Sorry, I can't offer much help/advice but I feel for you and the awful situation you must be going through. I can't imagine having three tiny babies to look after, nevermind doing it alone. You are very brave. I don't know the legalities of changing locks, as Threeblondeboys suggested, but imho I think you have done the right thing, but do make sure you get and use as much support as you possibly can.

Original poster
em1234 · 25/03/2010 09:38

it's my flat and we're not married so I'm presuming I have the right to change the locks?
Got lots of support from friends and family..just never imagined I'd have to do something like this.

OP posts:
diddl · 25/03/2010 09:40

If you are not married then I think only the person whose name is on the mortgage/rent agreement has a right to be there.

GypsyMoth · 25/03/2010 10:44

it sounds like you've done the right thing.....its just a case of adjusting now!

welcome to the world of lone parents!!

sowhathappensnow · 25/03/2010 13:07

Re the locks for anyone interested, in my case as we have a joint mortgage I can't change the locks. But my solicitor did advise that as I'm now the only adult in the house I might like to add an additional lock, purely for security purposes you understand
Well done OP for getting him out. It will be far less stressful on your own I assure you.

fishingboat · 25/03/2010 13:10

poor you terrible situation to be in, it's going to be hard but stick to your guns for your childrens sake. good luck xxx

serajen · 25/03/2010 13:13

Thinking of you and sending strength, stick with your decision, even in weak moments, you're a brave lady and deserve more than he gives

Ezma · 25/03/2010 13:42

I think on a practical/ emotional level you have done exactly the right thing as first and foremost you need to think of yourself and your children. Even though from what you say he has never been physically abusive to you or your children, he has been sacked from his job for agressive behaviour. He is bound to be wound up by you separating from him and also losing his job so you need to protect yourself and the children first and foremost.

The next step is to perhaps back it up with more formal actions. Even though you aren't married, he might try and be sneaky and claim some legal rights to the flat through financial contributions etc. Perhaps speak to Citizens Advice Bureau in the first instance or a lawyer. Lots of family lawyers offer free initial consultations so that is definitely worth thinking about. With respect to his belongings, I suggest that you bag them all up and then take them to the nearest self-storage facility. If you give him the details of how to access the unit then there is no way that he can argue that he needs to come back into the flat to collect his stuff.

From the sounds of it it seems like you are having to look after him as if he were a fourth child. He needs to grow up and learn how to fend for himself and provide for his children not drag you down to his level. It sounds as if you have dealt with this in a rational and considered way. Keep that up, in all likelihood you remaining calm will wind him up even more but don't let him persuade you that you are in the wrong, you are NOT. Most importantly, use the support that your friends and family can give you (pot calling kettle black here).

coldtits · 25/03/2010 13:46

read this

theloneliestgirlintheworld · 25/03/2010 15:05

Wow - triplets and a 6 year old! You've done exactly the right thing here. Hold your nerve and focus on how you'll feel in a years time - free and fantastic!

ItsGraceAgain · 25/03/2010 15:09

< We have 3 month old triplets. He has just lost his latest job for being 'intoxicated and extremely aggressive and abusive on the premises'..has been coming in drunk at 8 am and spent just under two thousand pounds in a lap dancing club >

Yes, of course you have done the right thing!

Doesn't matter how nice he is on a good day, how much you've been through together or whether he didn't want the babies. His employer fired him and so should you. For the same reasons.

Fading · 25/03/2010 16:46

em1234

Another sympathiser here, just to reassure you that you most certainly HAVE done the right thing and better now than much further down the line...can you imagine the complications then??!! (I speak as woman who also made the change and in hindsight it was at a good juncture in my life, though it didn't feel like it @ the time)

On a practical level, if only your name appears on the legal documents relating to the property then you absolutely and unquestionably have the authority to change the locks. This is a 100% fact (having been through the same scenario).

Hang on in there, many have gone before you so you're in good company Thinking of you...

dizietsma · 25/03/2010 18:34

Sound like you definitely did the right thing, but I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

Do not under any circumstances let him back in. If he needs to sort out his stuff you can arrange for a friend/relative to chaperone you both as he sorts through things, there is absolutely no reason or need for him to stay overnight other than trying to worm his way back into your life- so do not allow it to happen.

Is there any reason why you can't just bag up his stuff and leave it on the doorstep for him to collect?

Props for being such a strong lady during what I can only imagine is an intensely tough time. Draw on others to help you through this, you need your support network, not him.

Original poster
em1234 · 25/03/2010 20:54

thank you all so much. i am so confused. After half a dozen phone calls today I agreed to let him stay here next week while he got his stuff together but now am already regretting it..EVERYBODY in my life is telling me i'd be crazy to let him back in, that he won't leave (after all he's got no job and I don't know how he's planning to pay for anywhere else)...I'm sure they are right but I feel so weak, he keeps saying how appalling I am and how I'm destroying the family...then I catch sight of a photo of the two of us with our six year old (in happier times) and my heart wants to break and I find myself thinking he's right,that it's me who's ruined everything. He's good at making me feel like I drove him to stay out all night because i was such a nightmare to live with.
I'm very lucky in that I have huge support from parents and friends but this has gone on for so many months now and it's a huge strain on my parents, the worry etc..
SO, having said I'd let him in on Monday evening (though he doesn't want to see the children, they would be at my mumn's)..I now think I have to email him again saying I've changed my mind and that he can just come in the day time to pack up his stuff and can't stay the night.

AARGHHH..going mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
em1234 · 25/03/2010 21:06

you are all wonderful women by the way!

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 25/03/2010 21:12

Oh, poor you!!
Let him sort it out for himself. He will, you know. He's just trying to 'yank' you, so as to get the game back in play. He will sort himself out, though he may try an ever-increasing range of string-pulls before he does. Sorry, that should say "he will have already got a back-up programme in place, but you won't hear about it while there's still a string to pull".

It's you who ruined everything? Really? Try writing a page of how you ruined it, without making any of it about him.
Blank page? Yeah, that's what your family & friends see ...

outnumbered2to1 · 27/03/2010 02:40

instead of letting him in to pack up his stuff, can you just pack his stuff for him and organise a friend to drop it off to where ever he is staying?

i only ask cos you said yourself once he gets a foot in the door he won't leave again. Or maybe make sure their is another person there in the flat with you when he is packing his stuff.

maltesers · 28/03/2010 18:25

Who cares whether you are legally entitiled to change the locks. Just do it....he has had it coming..the shit.
What an arsehole to treat you this way with 4 kids and 3 triplets......he is a total loser and you deserve better.
Bloody great big kid he is to spend money at a lap dance club when you have babies to feed and raise. He needs a dam good kick up the arse or between the legs if you ask me !!!
Stay strong and brave the storm. If you are scared and he is threatening call the police and tell them how intimidating he is being. lots of luck and best wishes to you HUGS HUGS !! x

flabbymummyof2climbingboys · 28/03/2010 18:47

I would definitely pack for him and leave it at an agreed place as suggested by outnumbered

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/03/2010 20:37

Pack his stuff for him. Get some boxes from your local shop, buy some big bags from the pound shop, pack it all up and take it somewhere he can collect it. Pay a man with van if necessary. Does he have family or friends nearby who would accept his things? Hopefully he hasn't got much furniture at your place.

Do not let him back in your house.

FabIsGettingThere · 28/03/2010 20:41

Don't let him back in.

Pack his stuff and send them to his mothers or a friends. You said yourself he wouldn't go once back in and how do you think he will be when he gets back in, knowing what you have done?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 28/03/2010 20:42

Agree. Don't let him in to pack his stuff. Have it packed and waiting for him somewhere else. If he gets inside the house, will you be safe?

Or have a big male friend or relative waiting with you.

mamas12 · 28/03/2010 21:14

Another one to advise pack his stuff for him and leave it out for him to pick up at a particular time.
Don't be alone when he comes to help with your resolve not to open the door.
It is hard to let go of the 'good times' feeling but you are doing the right thing.
hey you never know this might just be exactly what he needs.

Tanga · 28/03/2010 21:37

Sit down. Sit down right now on the floor of your flat.

Take a deep breath and take in how it feels, just you and the kids. Peaceful. Not worrying about where he is, not worrying that he is spending money he doesn't have, not worrying about scenes and screaming and your children's fear.

Got that?

Now get f*cking angry. How many nappies would that two grand have bought? How many toys and games and days out for your family? You could have had a fantastic holiday out of that. You could have had a bit of pampering, and don't tell me you don't need it with 3 babies.

Now get up and take every last trace of him out of your life, dump it where he can get it without bothering you and DON'T EVER LET THE SORRY LITTLE FUCKER BACK IN AGAIN.