I don't really want to raise this with friends, families etc. as they will only try and persuade me that it's the wrong thing to do.
I separated from my husband just over six months ago. It was the culmination of months of arguments, unacceptable behavious by my husband (e.g. going out all night,obsessed with work, being uncontactable, not helping out at all with DS etc.) that started not long after DS was born nearly 23 months ago. The separation was instigated by me although I think that my husband escalated his bad behaviour not long before this as a way of pushing me to throw him out rather than him walking out of his own accord as it would be perceived by others that he was abandoning me. Not long after we separated I decided that I wanted to try and get to the bottom of it all and whilst I had explained to him my reasons, I wanted to find out his perspective and also see if there was any chance of trying to work things out. He has steadfastly refused to communicate with me on this subject at any time despite cajoling, me getting angry etc.... Anyway, there have been lots of arguments and incidents etc over the past few months which have been really unpleasant, upsetting and stressful some of which make me think that he hasn't been entirely truthful with me either.
He has seen DS on a fairly regular basis but actually seeing my husband is very stressful and upsetting and I desparately try not to show this in front of DS. Communication between husband and I is still very bad and invariably leads to arguments and misunderstandings.
Coupled with that, I was made redundant around the time of the split and whilst I have got a new job, it is full time so I am wracked with guilt about leaving DS in full time daycare and not spending quality time with him. As selfish as it sounds, I am also really upset at the prospect of having to "share" my DS with my husband at the weekends as this is the only time that I really get to spend time with DS. Monday to Friday it is simply a question of getting him ready and taking him to nursery and then putting him to bed at the end of the day.
The whole situation has also put huge pressure on finances and I am petrified that my husband will try and force a sale of the house. part of me is sensible (I am a lawyer so do know some of the ins and outs of family law) and I know that I have certain rights etc. but that doesn't stop me feeling as if the rug has been completely pulled out from under me and I am going to be faced with uncertainty and insecurity for the rest of my life (my parents split up when I was younger and the repurcussions of that are still reverberating even today for various reasons)and I am absolutely terrified of not being able to offer the comfort, love, security and stability that DS deserves and has a right to.
We recently started counselling which I persuaded myself to do albeit reluctantly as I had just started to put together a very fragile front on everything. I do still love my husband and part of me would love to try and reconcile with him but I know that it is not on the cards and he made that very clear last night as well. However, he maintains and even said last night that he didn't think counselling held any value as there was no point in going over everything. He doesn't seem to understand that we do need to try and understand what went wrong so that we can communicate better and be better parents to DS. I am totally distraught now as I feel that I am left in limbo with no chance of being able to move on properly, I am bound to him and indebted to him financially (he pays half of the household expenditure and DS's childcare) although I pay for DS's daily needs and activities despite earning less than him. I know that I am to blame for this whole situation as much as he is and am not trying to allocate blame. My behaviour (I became a control freak after DS was born as I found it very difficult to cope/ adjust to a newborn and, with hindsight, should probably have sought professional help for possible PND)probably exacerbated his behaviour and vice versa. I just can't understand why he won't have the decency to at least have one conversation or continue with the counselling (which at least is in a controlled environment so I can't shout at him indefinitely) so that we can understand where things went wrong and try and move on, even if a reconciliation is not on the cards (he said last night that he thought counselling was going to give me the wrong idea even though I had made it very clear that was not my intention). It seems that everytime I make a move forward in trusting him and trying to create a position where we can communicate properly about DS etc. without it erupting into an argument, he does something else which completely shatters my confidence and wish to try and sort things out. I have been to the doctors and have been prescribed betablockers and I have also developed quite bad PMT post birth of DS which leaves me feeling that the only way things would be better is if I were dead and therefore out of the picture. That way DS would be with his father, there would be no financial worries for DS's future and the family home etc.
This is also starting to have a serious impact on my job and ability to perform which scares me even more as I am still within my probationary period and whilst being made redundant once because of the economic climate is fine, it would be v. difficult to get another job if it happened again especially if it was due to me underperforming.
I am so sorry for this rambling post but I have got to the point where the only way I can see out of this which will avoid DS being affected by all this in the long term is for me is to effectively run away from it all. I have written a long letter to my husband/ others explaining everything which I plan to email to him and have made arrangements so that I can disappear indefinitely. DS really does not need a mother like me who is all over the shop emotionally, angry and upset all the time with no prospect of building up a civil relationship with his father. At least if I'm out of the equation then my DS can build up a proper relationship with his father, my husband will actually have to take on the responsibility of looking after DS and the financial worries and pressures will be lessened for my husband. I know that he will have a huge amount of support from both sides of the family and from friends so I know he will be able to do a good job of looking after DS and DS is fortunately at an age where he will forget about me very quickly.