Please help

[Ezma]

I don't really want to raise this with friends, families etc. as they will only try and persuade me that it's the wrong thing to do.

I separated from my husband just over six months ago. It was the culmination of months of arguments, unacceptable behavious by my husband (e.g. going out all night,obsessed with work, being uncontactable, not helping out at all with DS etc.) that started not long after DS was born nearly 23 months ago. The separation was instigated by me although I think that my husband escalated his bad behaviour not long before this as a way of pushing me to throw him out rather than him walking out of his own accord as it would be perceived by others that he was abandoning me. Not long after we separated I decided that I wanted to try and get to the bottom of it all and whilst I had explained to him my reasons, I wanted to find out his perspective and also see if there was any chance of trying to work things out. He has steadfastly refused to communicate with me on this subject at any time despite cajoling, me getting angry etc.... Anyway, there have been lots of arguments and incidents etc over the past few months which have been really unpleasant, upsetting and stressful some of which make me think that he hasn't been entirely truthful with me either.

He has seen DS on a fairly regular basis but actually seeing my husband is very stressful and upsetting and I desparately try not to show this in front of DS. Communication between husband and I is still very bad and invariably leads to arguments and misunderstandings.

Coupled with that, I was made redundant around the time of the split and whilst I have got a new job, it is full time so I am wracked with guilt about leaving DS in full time daycare and not spending quality time with him. As selfish as it sounds, I am also really upset at the prospect of having to "share" my DS with my husband at the weekends as this is the only time that I really get to spend time with DS. Monday to Friday it is simply a question of getting him ready and taking him to nursery and then putting him to bed at the end of the day.

The whole situation has also put huge pressure on finances and I am petrified that my husband will try and force a sale of the house. part of me is sensible (I am a lawyer so do know some of the ins and outs of family law) and I know that I have certain rights etc. but that doesn't stop me feeling as if the rug has been completely pulled out from under me and I am going to be faced with uncertainty and insecurity for the rest of my life (my parents split up when I was younger and the repurcussions of that are still reverberating even today for various reasons)and I am absolutely terrified of not being able to offer the comfort, love, security and stability that DS deserves and has a right to.

We recently started counselling which I persuaded myself to do albeit reluctantly as I had just started to put together a very fragile front on everything. I do still love my husband and part of me would love to try and reconcile with him but I know that it is not on the cards and he made that very clear last night as well. However, he maintains and even said last night that he didn't think counselling held any value as there was no point in going over everything. He doesn't seem to understand that we do need to try and understand what went wrong so that we can communicate better and be better parents to DS. I am totally distraught now as I feel that I am left in limbo with no chance of being able to move on properly, I am bound to him and indebted to him financially (he pays half of the household expenditure and DS's childcare) although I pay for DS's daily needs and activities despite earning less than him. I know that I am to blame for this whole situation as much as he is and am not trying to allocate blame. My behaviour (I became a control freak after DS was born as I found it very difficult to cope/ adjust to a newborn and, with hindsight, should probably have sought professional help for possible PND)probably exacerbated his behaviour and vice versa. I just can't understand why he won't have the decency to at least have one conversation or continue with the counselling (which at least is in a controlled environment so I can't shout at him indefinitely) so that we can understand where things went wrong and try and move on, even if a reconciliation is not on the cards (he said last night that he thought counselling was going to give me the wrong idea even though I had made it very clear that was not my intention). It seems that everytime I make a move forward in trusting him and trying to create a position where we can communicate properly about DS etc. without it erupting into an argument, he does something else which completely shatters my confidence and wish to try and sort things out. I have been to the doctors and have been prescribed betablockers and I have also developed quite bad PMT post birth of DS which leaves me feeling that the only way things would be better is if I were dead and therefore out of the picture. That way DS would be with his father, there would be no financial worries for DS's future and the family home etc.

This is also starting to have a serious impact on my job and ability to perform which scares me even more as I am still within my probationary period and whilst being made redundant once because of the economic climate is fine, it would be v. difficult to get another job if it happened again especially if it was due to me underperforming.

I am so sorry for this rambling post but I have got to the point where the only way I can see out of this which will avoid DS being affected by all this in the long term is for me is to effectively run away from it all. I have written a long letter to my husband/ others explaining everything which I plan to email to him and have made arrangements so that I can disappear indefinitely. DS really does not need a mother like me who is all over the shop emotionally, angry and upset all the time with no prospect of building up a civil relationship with his father. At least if I'm out of the equation then my DS can build up a proper relationship with his father, my husband will actually have to take on the responsibility of looking after DS and the financial worries and pressures will be lessened for my husband. I know that he will have a huge amount of support from both sides of the family and from friends so I know he will be able to do a good job of looking after DS and DS is fortunately at an age where he will forget about me very quickly.

I totally hear all your fears about your ex having your son.

This is exactly how I felt...but you just have to let him do it. Don't worry how hes going to cope, he'll be forced into learning on his feet won't he ! If you want you could give him a routine to follow, my ex eventually gave in to do the normal routine cause ds was such a nightmare without it, waking up at all hours etc.

I would suggest alternate weekends, this has really worked for me. That way you get fun time too at the weekend.

This is the hardest time

It WILL get better

You will get through it and like lots of people come out it the other side wondering what you ever saw in the inconsiderate w**ker

I have to say that my mum was no help whatsoever and actually used to make me feel worse ! so maybe the practical help doesn't weigh up with the emotional stress you're getting from living together ?

Please don't beat yourself up, you are doing incredibly well

I'm not sure but I think you might have a right to know where your son will be staying? Maybe somebody else knows about that.

Toddlers are very demanding. Do you think that if you were to look as if you were 'relenting' and giving your XP more of what he says he wants ie contact, that maybe after a while it wouldn't look so desirable to him and he might start finding reasons not to take him?

I think a lot of men make a big hoo ha over access etc as a way of making their ex wives feel shit, but in reality when it comes down to it they don't actually want sole overnight care of a small child or children. You XP has a sharp shock coming his way if he's never cared for your DS before. But if you try to stop him, it might have the opposite effect ie make him think 'how dare she, I know my rights' etc.

I'm just thinking you could play it a bit strategically by looking like the more reasonable person whilst knowing he won't want it when he gets it.

Blimey, we're cross posting with each other like mad now (and I've got to leave work shortly so this might be my last post for a little while)

I know what you mean about your X being inept. My XH was USELESS with my boys. But you know what? It was OK.

Sorry, I know I've just let everything pour out in one fell swoop and this is the first time that I've ever posted on MN! I'm lucky as I'm hidden round the corner in my office so noone can see me although I think my secretary has sussed that I am not overly happy today as I stayed hidden round the corner all day and only scuttled out to the toilet and the kitchen for more tea and bowls of comfort cereal. This is what scares me too though, I've basically spent most of the afternoon pouring out my feeling on MN when I should be working. Not exactly responsible of me. If it was a case that I had been here for a while I could feel that I could talk to some key people e.g. my boss and HR so they would understand that I'm not normally a gibbering, emotional, unstable hysterical wreck etc. As it is, I'm still the new girl trying to do a responsible job which I can't afford to f**k up either career or finance wise and that is just adding to the whole pressure as I'm just waiting for them to haul me in to the board room and tell me that it's not working out and to pack up my things (they are lovely but at the end of the day they are paying me to do a job). I am not very good at compartmentalising things so that I can concentrate on doing the task in hand (ie. my job) when I am worrying about something else which just makes me more anxious and so it goes on.....

love, your ds does need you. he's too small to articulate it.

please go to dr and get help

talk to your family about how you're struggling. please talk to friends in rl they will help you.

Yes, I have thought about the living with someone else scenario too and have discussed this with friends. We have a lot of mutual friends (all of whom have been fantastically supportive of me and think, on the whole, that ex is an a'hole) and many of them think that even they have not been told the whole truth of what is happening/ happened probably on the basis that it would get back to me one way or the other. Ex has denied there being someone else or that he was cheating on me whilst he was still living with me but the fact that there were at least two nights when he didn't come home at all and then rolled in at lunchtime/ afternoon the next day after a night out with work makes me v. suspicious. He is also v. secretive when he goes away with work as to where he's going/ refuses to give me hotel details etc. I am not asking for them to check up on him but simply to ensure that I can contact ex in the event that something happened to DS such as an accident or illness. Am I being unreasonable to ask for such information or for ex to tell me when he is going to be away either for business or pleasure? Ex believes that I am and as long as I have his mobile then that is all that is needed. However, ex's mobile is "unreliable" in terms of it working ie. it apparently doesn't always show when someone has rung etc. usually me....

Poor you. Sounds like there is a lot going on that you dont know about. You must give yourself a break, six months is no time at all to get over the breakdown of your marriage. I am 2 years down the line in a similar situation and am just starting to get to feel good about myself again. Things I have learnt: dont expect to get answers, you will probably just get a whole pile of unfair blame - that is the justification for cheating husbands. Get yourself a consellor. I did and it was the best money I ever spent because it gave me a safe non judgmental place to work through my emotions at a time when I needed to rant and cry but also be strong for my kids. Get a good solictor, from resolution if possible, as you will need one. Put distsnce between yourself and ex and make all exchanges formal and strictly about your child. although it is hard handing yor son over to ex, you will be surprised how men can cope and the odd day to yourself can be a godsend when you need to recharge. Plan your single time with girlfriends or family and make the most of it. Hang in there, you can do it

"have got to the point where I can't burden friends/ family anymore" this is a very good reason for using a profressional counsellor - and as they objective they will ask the right questions to help you move forward...

go back to GP and say you feel that now you DO need the NHS counselling on offer...

I can safely say to you Ezma that your DS will NOT be better off without you. Just 5 short months ago, when my H revealed that he had cheated on me for 5 years, I felt similar feelings. Now after 5 months on Citalopram and counselling I am on an even keel. You must take control - get some AD's sod the expense and see a counsellor - often there is a sliding scale - I promise you will soon feel stronger.

Ezma, I have come to this thread late in the day but I wanted to echo what others later on have said. This has all the hallmarks of an affair and I understand perfectly what you meant by your realisation that in effect, he behaved so badly at the end that he got himself "sacked". Loads of men having the classic "exit" affair do this, because they are far too cowardly to admit that they are leaving the marriage for one reason and one reason only - someone else.

That someone else is no doubt pulling his strings and believing a crock of shite about you being controlling, hysterical, unfair as regards access. How else could an OW justify having a relationship with a man who walks out on a wife and baby?

This isn't about you at all - what you're suffering from is guilt transference and sadly it happens a lot. He has to demonise you to sleep at night - and justify his choices. Just as the OW has to believe you are a harridan for her to sleep at night.

Please take others' advice here and go to your GP. You need help getting through a truly horrible time in your life. Do get yourself a counsellor for yourself - forget couples counselling, it will be a waste of time and money.

Well done for getting back on the career path and don't be so hard on yourself. It's pretty impossible going through this type of trauma to compartmentalise at work - set yourself smallish targets at the moment in terms of your caseload and above all, be kind to yourself. You are actually doing phenomenally well - one day you will look back and marvel that you managed to get through this period, but you will - and your DS will be so proud.

Don't ever think that he would be better off without you. You are his world.

You just need some help at the moment, but WRT your H, try and view his behaviour with the pathos it deserves - this is all about him and it's actually got nothing to do with you. Remind yourself every day about the success you have made of your life generally - a great job in a profession, motherhood, fantastic supportive friends - you have got so much going for you.

In a year's time, your life will look very different, I assure you.

Meanwhile idiot H will probably turn his venomous behaviour on the next (or current) woman and will just keep repeating the same cycle of relationships over and over again.

Now, go and make an appointment.

Oh, Ezma, love. Stop apologising to us for posting, and keep talking to us, and things will get better, they really will.

You are all over the place and you need some help. You ae saying that your son would be better off with his Dad, and yet his Dad isn't competent to take care of him overnight, which is okay because he hasn't asked to have him overnight anyway.

And all of your talk about leaning on people, and not seeing a solicitor because you should sort it yourself, and not going to counselling...you've got a real thing about being independent and strong, haven't you? You actually sound amazingly strong to me, working and solo parenting with all of this over your head. But this has done a number on your self esteem, and no wonder.

Let's break it down.

• You have to let go of the whole closure thing for now. Don't try and push joint counselling, it won't work, he's not on board, you won't get the answers you want. I know that's hard, but you do have to accept that.
• Your current custody arrangement, am I right in understanding that your ex sees his son during the day on a weekend and that's all for now? And he might want weekends later, but currently you have every night? Well, that sounds like it's actually fine for now. As things go on and change, the access arrangements probably will as well. Your son will be older, and better able to make his desires known. They will build a relationship. For now, though, leave this one alone.
• Finances, though. He's paying half the household expenditure and childcare, you're paying for the day to day running, the house is in both names, is this right? This is an informal arrangement, I guess. I think you need to formalise this a bit more. A lot of what's coming through in your post is the uncertainty about the future, and this is an area where you can tie things down a bit better. I was going to suggest formalising custody as well, but given your son's age I don't think there's much point yet.

• And on that note, PLEASE see a solicitor. An impartial person will help here. You're tying yourself in knots trying to work out the past (what happened and why) AND the future and it's all too much. Without knowing the ins and outs of the finances, it does seem to me that if you can't afford some counselling, with two parents both working fulltime as lawyers, then there's something amiss with the financials.

I feel like I'm in danger of overwhelming you, so I'll stop. But it will get better!

Ezma Finally - I've got back to this thread. I've been in exactly the same place as you regarding my relationship with DS's Dad. He was a lying, cheating, manipulative twunt. He almost, but not quite, broke my heart. I had my faith shattered.

First off, we left xOH when DS was 2.5yo. My DS needed me. I was the one he went to. His father didn't bother. However, DS went to his Dad's for 5 hours every Saturday afternoon. That was all. I wasn't happy about what went on there, (not abusive) but had to let DS see his Dad. When DS was a bit older, he asked to go overnight. I allowed this as it was DS who asked.

The thing is, that you're hurt, angry, betrayed, devastated etc. all those emotions that come with realising that your dream has been shattered. You need to take a few hours, collect yourself together. Get practical. Make lists. Make a timetable - what you're doing to be doing with DS at the weekend. Make meal plans. Make shopping lists. I used to do all this. I used to make Friday night a special little evening for DS and myself. I'd make pizza and garlic bread and we'd have a bed picnic (just lay an old towel over the bit where DS will sit with his pizza) we'd watch TV. It was a couple of hours, just the two of us, chatting and snuggling. This is what your DS will remember, rather than you rushing around fretting during the day. We'd do other bits and pieces at the weekend, like a walk in the park or something.

My advice is not to take on what you "think" your ex is going to do or is feeling or is thinking. Cross those bridges when you get to them. Instead of wasting your time worrying about it, use that time to be constructive about YOUR life with your DS and get some enjoyment from it.

AND my next piece of advice is - go to your doctor - you need some help - you're overloading yourself with unnecessary worrying and panicking. Also, get yourself some legal advice. I know you're a lawyer, but not all lawyers specialise in family law or property law.

AND my last piece of advice is - calm down. Take deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..... You can do it and you will.

Thank you all so much for all the advice, you really are all helping me to try and put this into perspective. Had the first good night's sleep that I've had in a long time and I think part of it was down to the fact that all you guys were so great at letting me offload and I felt able to pour everything out that I've bottled up for so long and not been able to talk to about with friends and family in case they thought I was a complete fruitloop. However, I am being realistic, just because I don't feel as low as I did yesterday doesn't mean I'll not feel like that again and worse. From everything everyone has said on here I am starting to piece together a pattern to how I feel. It is usually after an encounter with the ex which has been particularly fraught, angry, hurtful etc. when he manages to shatter my confidence yet again with his behaviour. Writing the letter to friends and family was awful and I'm going to keep hold of that letter to try and persuade myself that I can't and I won't ever feel as bad as that again. It sounds like I'm being a drama queen when I say that I was feeling suicidal but it really came home to me how bad I was feeling when driving home from work on Tuesday and I was thinking about how easy it would be to crash the car or something.

Picking up DS from nursery yesterday did go some way to making me feel that I do have some part in his life. It's probably down to me and also part of DS's character but he adapts so easily to new situations, is cheerful, ready to love anyone and has this way of making people love him and making himself the centre of attention that it often makes me feel that in the whole grand scheme of things, he wouldn't miss me/ remember me. However, when I picked him up he clearly was happy to see me although it did take me a good five minutes to persuade him that it was home time!

I am trying to put my practical head on today. I've made some phone calls this morning and I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning.I will definitely ask to be referred to a counsellor and discuss the option of AD's with him even for a short period of time. Re. a counsellor my friends are great but they naturally will have more sympathy for me and I would rather hear some home truths about my own character so that I can work them out and I don't make the same mistakes in the future (such as meeting another man like my ex!). You guys have all been absolutely fantastic and honest with me about what I have said and I really do appreciate that. I need to learn lots of lessons from this whole sorry mess and that does mean facing up to my own behaviour as well.

I have also made an appointment with the solicitor (I have been fannying around with this for ages looking for any old excuse to cancel appointments that I've previously made). She seems to know her stuff and is part of Resolution and other family lawyers associations. This time I will stick to the appointment and will also make a list of the specifics that I want to discuss with her.

Re. the finances, I have decided that I need to take firmer control of this and will make sure that I have direct responsibility for paying these out of my own account rather than paying money into the joint account and relying on ex to also pay up. Most of them are in my name anyway as ex was useless at dealing with any of that and just left me to get on with it. This will stop me worrying about payments getting bounced etc. The only one I can't deal with straight away is the mortgage but I am sure I can deal with it in the next couple of weeks and ex will have to pay money to me instead of into the joint account. I will also make sure, regardless of his bleating about money, that I get a fair contribution towards DS's upkeep as I shouldn't have to stump up for that on my own. As far as I am concerned, DS should not be deprived of what he needs/ deserves so that my ex can fund his expensive bachelor pad and party lifestyle.

I've also decided that I need to get my personal affairs in order such as wills etc. After my split with ex I decided that I needed to make sure that DS was well provided for should anything ever happen to me so took out life insurance and pension etc. This sounds really morbid and probably does stem from my other thoughts but if I'm going to be practical about other stuff, I should be practical about this as well and deal with it properly. I also need to think about guardians as well I guess.....

I am also going to try and make sure that weekends are proper quality time with DS and we do what we want to do at the weekends. I had actually cancelled all social plans for this coming weekend on the basis that I didn't think I'd be around but I am now trying to resurrect them with friends so that we have a fun active weekend without any moping around at home. Some of the suggestions that you have made, I love the idea of pizza night on a Friday and, perhaps once in a while, I can afford to be less strict with DS's routine so we can have a pyjama party on a Friday or Saturday evening.

As far as communication with my ex, I will go back to the policy I had adopted in January and only recently dropped (hence me being in the state that I have been in over the past couple of weeks I think) and insist that there is minimal contact with ex. I will make all decisions re. DS and will only consult with ex if absolutely necessary. I will also go back to my original policy of insisting that MIL does the handovers so that I do not have to see him or have contact with him. The only way that ex can contact me now is via my mobile. No email or landline access is allowed. I do see everyone's points that I have no right to know what is going on in ex's life except where it directly affects DS. Similarly, I have taken on board that I don't need to be telling ex what I am up to even where it involves DS as that is my time with DS.

All this will hopefully mean that I am not so bothered about stuff at work as well. I do need to get my act together on this not just so I can keep my job but also build up my confidence and ensure that there is the potential for career progression. I do need to set an example to DS in this regard and I've worked too hard to get to where I am in my career now to f*k it up for some waste of space t*t who clearly didn't/ doesn't deserve me. Not that I'm anywhere close to thinking/ doing anything about it, but perhaps there really is a Mr. Right for me and DS out there.

It feels really good to be trying to take control of the situation rather than being a victim of it. It does worry me though that this manic energy that I seem to have today is symptomatic of how I feel overall and could lead to an even worse crash. I'm hoping the Dr will shed some light on this. I just hope I'm making the right decisions on everything......

In the meantime, thank you to everyone, you have made me realise that I do need to take urgent action to sort myself out and stop feeling the way I have been. If it's alright, I'd really like to keep posting on here as I think what everyone has said on here has been so helpful and it has been really therapuetic for me. I promise that I will keep an eye out for other m'netters posts so that I can offer help and support as well, for what my opinion is worth. x

So glad to hear you sounding stronger and making some plans.

How fab.

I am a new NM but am so pleased you seem better today - only last week I too was spending my days at work posting/reading MN rather than working thanks to having tosser of a H.

I also had some dark thoughts until recently but have been taking AD's for a month and do feel more on an even keel & also now have counselling set up. My mum attempted suicide years ago and although I didn't find out til a couple of years later, it still haunts me. Our kids need us...

The advice received has been invaluable, and taking control of practical things really has helped. I'll be looking out for you.

well done.

get yourself a separate pay as you go mobile which is the one he will use to text you re: arrangements. and one you will use for same.

tell him you have changed your numnber - here is the new one. (in my case i also had to change my "real" mobile as it was one he had got and was actually in his name for the account.)

it is a small step which really helps to separate the contact with him from your other contacts with friends and family. and you can switch him off when you know there is no need to contact for next hours eg because you have ds with you. he will ahve your landline for emergencies.

The pay as you go mobile is a brilliant idea. will go and get one at the weekend. Why didn't I think about that before? Oh yes, I know, as I felt duty bound to be contactable whenever he wanted to speak to me and I was also living in the vain hope that he might actually want to sort things out. What a mug I was.......

It amazes me reading through the threads just how many are in the same position as me or have been previously. Thank you to you all for being so honest and I think you have all been amazing in coming through what, I now know from firsthand experience, is a truly awful time. Even more, I am amazed at how all of you have spared a few minutes of time to give me advice and support.

Emza You're quite right. You will come down again, but not as far if you keep to the plans/outlines you've mentioned above. When you do come down, keep posting and getting support here and anywhere else that you need it.

You're doing brilliantly already.

Ezma - I think the best way of your ex learning to look after DS is to let him look after DS.

It doesn't take long to figure out a toddler's needs and requirements and if your ex is a lawyer then he isn't supid. If his new home isn't suitable for his son and DS spills blackcurrant juice all over his nice new white carpet then that's your ex's own fault isn't it?

Personally I would bend iover backwards to be reasonable when it comes to access, but make sure he does some of the hard stuff - the mornings and evenings as well as the fun stiuff - the weekends.

I would offer him from the Thursday pickup after nursery to the Monday drop off every other week, so he gets to do Thursday night, Friday morning, and Monday morning as well as the "easy" weekend. And you get some time to yourself also, which is important. Being a working single mum is relentless and very hard.

Access is not about a father's right to see their children, it is about the children's right to see their father.

Ezma It's a joy to read your posts today.

Try to view this as a journey, with lots of twists and turns, high and low points along the way.

Anger is good for you at the moment - it's tremendously energising and will serve you well. I think writing will really help you, so you might want to think about keeping a journal, as well as writing on here.

Try to keep a sense of perspective about what's happened here. Of course you're wise to challenge your own behaviour and look at the choices you made in your relationship, but don't lose sight of how wronged you have been.

Because I think he was having an affair and got himself sacked, I suspect for the longest time before you split up, you even started to see yourself as a nag, because that's what he was telling you. It often helps to look back and I'll bet the things you challenged were worthy of rebuke. This classic affair behaviour is especially pernicious because it can make perfectly sane, rational people think they are going quite mad - with the benefit of hindsight (and also your healthy suspicions) you can perhaps now see that this wasn't you at all. I expect you know even now that if someone behaved like him in a subsequent relationship, you would realise what was going on and would never question again your absolute right to being treated with respect and dignity.

Feel righteous anger about that Ezma.

Then, because you are the sort of person who is fundamentally decent and possessed of an adult need to understand human relationships, you tried in vain to review what went wrong and why, but you were met with a stonewall of denial and aggression. When people behave like this, it confuses us - and it's no wonder that in the frustration of trying to engage with someone who is behaving like a child - it all came on top.

The decision you have made to stop engaging with him is the right one. Treat him with polite contempt for now. Withdraw. There is just no point engaging with someone who is hiding so much and behaving in such a disingenuous fashion.

Focus on you, your DS, your job and your life. Every day, organise a treat for you and your DS and nurture your spirit.

Always have in the back of your mind that you did not deserve this at all - and it is not about you at all. That not every man is like your H and you will emerge triumphant.

You write beautifully and your qualities as a human being shine through in your words. You have so much going for you - just allow yourself to reach out and get some help and have the perspective that this is a really low time in what will overall be a very happy life and you need a few crutches to get you through it.

Well done Ezma - you've come so far over night.I'm so impressed with you. Keep it up and do go to those appointments, even if you are feeling better and stronger. They are with professionals in their specialist area and now is the time for specialist advice/help.

Good luck.

So pleased to hear that you are feeling a bit better! Carry on posting- the support you will get on here is one of the strengths of this site, and sometimes even just typing things out can make them clearer in your head.

I really hope things go well for you

Well done !! You have achieved so much in such a short time

The more fun stuff you do the more of your own life you are building

You will have hard times when you think of what might have been but they will become fewer and further between with time

Thinking about you

P.s I found an advert that looked like my ex but he was really bald, it used to really tickle me. oh and really unflattering photos