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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know when you actually 'love' someone?

57 replies

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 19:06

Especially in a new relationship, how do you know when you truly love someone and the relationship has progressed, and how do you differenciate this love from the feeling of being 'in love' which can happen even when you don't actually know the person

I know 'being in love' is't real love, and don't believe in love at first sight or any of that bollox, but what is real love and hoe do you know when you truly love someone?

What's the defining moment? Or is it a gradual thing? Is it enogugh just to think "I love him" and therefore accept that you do? Or is it more complex? Because sometimes we think we love someone but actually we don't don't wE?

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OrmRenewed · 23/03/2010 20:29

Real love means caring as much about someone else as you do about yourself. Not more than, thats being in love. Simply putting someone else's needs on a par with yours. And asking about the things you know they care about even if they bore you rigid. Little to do with passion, lots to do with respect, affection and care. Boring innit?

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:30

that is a ood analogy portofine, I do like to think that my experiences have helped me be who I am today and will better equip me to love the right person when they do come along (which I hope they have already). I like to think mature (cheesy?!) love is better than the ridiculous thing I felt with my first boyfriend, which when I look back on it just makes me shudder at my naivity.

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allegrageller · 23/03/2010 20:34

agree SaintGeoff, v interesting.

I do wonder with some of these people who love their partner whatever, even through abuse etc- is it real love or obsession. Fine line I suppose in many cases.

Portofino · 23/03/2010 20:34

I can see that totally StGeoff. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. There is a selfish bit in us that enjoys that power too I think.

Alle, I agree that mature love is "better". Is it what most of us end up with if we are lucky. Not all the romantic, non-stop shagging, hearts and flowers stuff. It is to do with companionship, shared interests and mutual respect I think, and is meant to carry you through to old age .

Hopefully part of growing old up is knowing what makes you happy, and permission to be yourself, and if you are lucky you have ended up with that person who enjoys being with the real you. Not the glam, thin person who loves parties, but the slighty saggy version who cries at sad things on the TV, likes 70s music and thinks a decent steak and kidney pudding is more exciting than a rave!

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:35

SaintGeoff I get what your old teacher meant, I think I agree with that. Like what Orm said, caring as much about someone else as you do about someone else.

I'm sure M Scott Peck said love as nurturing yourself or another persons' spiritual growth or something...

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Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:36

allegro I think in the case of abuse it is not obsession, but dependance. I think a lot of relationships survive on mutual dependance and this is mistaken for love. I like to think true love doesn't involve any feelings of dependance on the other person...

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Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:38

I'm with you on the steak and kidney pudding Portofino

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allegrageller · 23/03/2010 20:39

yes, dependence (sp?) or enabling. The feeling that someone completes you because they make you feel shit. Etc.

I think a lot of sexual obsession may stem from that kind of feeling. I think my previous love affair with a totally unsuitable man was like that tbh- scary to look back on. I was willing to give up everything for someone who was an immature w*nker in retrospect, but for me it felt like flipping Wuthering Heights.

OrmRenewed · 23/03/2010 20:40

DH and I have been together forever. Literally he was my first real bf (we had a break of sorts while I was at university). And when I look at him sometimes I feel proud because what he is now is partly down to me. And vice versa. In some ways we are the product of each other as much as the product of our upbringing.

Of course first thing in the morning when he farts in the bathroom and refuses to flush the toilet after a wee, I don't feel quite so proud

Portofino · 23/03/2010 20:41

I don't believe you should be totally dependent on one person for your emotional happiness though. It should be the icing on the cake. In the long run, it is more healthy to love yourself, have interests, friends etc. Your significant relationship should complement that.

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:45

I agree portofino, a loving relationship should enhance your life, but you shouldn't need it. I have worked very hard to love myself and be content wiht my life as a single person before I felt ready and open to actually hainvg a serious commited relationship with anyone else.

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poshsinglemum · 23/03/2010 20:47

For me love with a man is like a dramatic roller coaster ridethat makes me feel excited, nervous, scared and thrilled.I think about them all the time and being just want to be near them.
Love with my dd on the other hand is warm, comforting, fierce and protective. I much prefer love with my dd but I would love to experience the love that is like a comfortable pair of old slippers with a partner!

MarshaMallow · 23/03/2010 20:47

I think all relationships rely on some dependency....it's when it comes at the cost of losing yourself that it gets into the realms of dodgyness.

If I can't rely/depend on DH to uphold his end of our relationship then what's the point??

I mean depend/rely on him to pick up the kids on time from their clubs without me having to chase him etc.

To me a relationship is based on respect, co-operation and yes to some extent dependency.

I'm all for being independent but not when I make it difficult for myself.

Anyways...I knew I felt more than my usual lusty feelings for DH roughly about 2 weeks after we became an item...we were friends for years before getting together though.

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:49

Marsha yes yes that type of co-dependancy is fine, I was talking more about emotional dependancy, not the practicalities of running a family together.

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Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 20:52

So, the other buring question I have is, when do you tell your partner that you love them? Do you wait till they've told you? Do you wait a while after you feel it just to make sure it's permenant? Do you blurt it out almost immediately upon feeling it?

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MarshaMallow · 23/03/2010 20:55

Ah right, sorry OMDB.

I've never relied on DH for all my emotional needs...as you can tell...so went into practical mode! Oops!

allegrageller · 23/03/2010 21:02

I am a blurter, but this may not be recommended. Might be scary! Would probably scare me tbh if I hadn't 'decided' yet and someone blurted it at me....

MrsC2010 · 23/03/2010 21:02

I agree wholeheartedly SaintGeoff. I definitely feel DH's upsets more than my own. My own I just get on and deal with, his I fester over and hurt over, despite knowing he is more than capable of dealing with everything himself.

MrsC2010 · 23/03/2010 21:04

Oh, and I didn't tell DH until he told me cause I'm a wuss. He told me after about 3 or 4 months I think it was.

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 21:08

so what if both of you are wusses and keep waiting for the other one to say it first?

I am cautious, I 'm pretty sure I would not make myslef vulnerable in that way unless I was sure it was mutual. But he's the same, it took us both long enough just to get together

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OrmRenewed · 23/03/2010 21:10

Well you could hedge your bets. "I think I love you'.That's what DH said to me first. Leaves the door open for possible retraction when you discover that in fact you were mistaken

baskingseals · 23/03/2010 21:13

really interesting question.

I think missing someone is a good test, if you can't enjoy the sunset or crap joke or glass of wine without them there, or you can but their absence takes away some of the shine.

You like the way they live, the way they do things, could be anything from the way they eat to the way they deal with waiters, or other people's children. When they walk into the room you're pleased to see them.

The sex is good.

You feel you can be yourself with them, however ugly that may be.

As for when to tell them, I honestly don't think it matters. When you want to.

You feel

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 21:33

but baskingseals a lot fo those things you listed you could apply equally to a good friend couldn't you? Hmmmm, I guess there is probbly an element of love for a good friend isn't there?

It's not a simple question is it and there is no simple answer.

Does it sound like I'm wierd if I say I feel that I love him but I doubt myslef and my ability to make the right judgements on people and therefore quesiton my own feelings?

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baskingseals · 23/03/2010 21:46

Fuck no. Not weird at all. Letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Let go - shit, who will catch me if I fall?

Trusting yourself, especially if you feel you've stuffed it up in the past is really hard.

Look forward, not back. Try not to ask and just be. It's all okay really. What exactly are you afraid of?

Original poster

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 21:49

Afraid of being hurt I guess. Afraid of showing a vulnerable side.

Yuo are right though, I have to let go. We have to risk getting hurt sometimes don't we?

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