emotional fallout after affair/s

[pinkstuff]

Hi all have posted here before and have namechanged again.
I am really really struggling with emotional aftermath of H's affair, I think of it every day and imagine what they did, what was said etc. I have had enough of feeling like this and am so angry that I can't move on.
I told H this evening and he clammed up as expected and just said we will split then. I said I just cannot forgive and forget, he has history so I have been through this before. I am so angry that his 2 months of 'feeling good' have left me an emotional wreck. we have baby due in five weeks, and I think he is hoping its my hormones and ive told him time and time again that it isn't.
I would enjoy this pregnancy if I had a stable marriage. I Am just fed up of cheating and lying and need to know that someone can rspect me and be faithful to me.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

he doesnt sound as if he actually wants to make it up to you.

He needs to understand that he needs to now open up to you for you to be able to get over it.

It does sound as if he is still controlling your relationship - either you 'accept' and he wont help you or he is prepared to split.

I wonder if he does not really believe you will split.

can you get him to leave for a while so he can see you are really serious. Then he can choose either to do the necessary begging and stuff or not.

Get some legal help - make sure you get to a place where you dont NEED him.

Good luck

Agree with what Happy sister says.

Would try to talk to him factually about what you need now from him and if he can't give that, then I think you need to show him your serious. Sorry but I think you need to take a bit of control here.

Difficult to comment pinkstuff without your back story. Why have you name changed?

It might help your perspective (and his FWIW) to acknowledge that even when things are good and every question has been answered, most betrayed partners at your stage "think about the affair every day". It is pretty all-consuming and goes on for a long time. It's certainly not something that most people "just get over".

I think he is trading on you being pregnant and vulnerable by saying "we'll just split up then". He probably knows you won't want to do that at the moment.

I'd be happy to help you, if you tell us more.

If not, in a nutshell the best way of dealing with this is for him to get counselling on his own so that he works on the flaw in his character that led to him being unfaithful. This flaw isn't yours to own and this was not your fault.

Thanks, I did tell him when I let him back that he would have to sort himself out, i'e counselling, so that he does not put us through shit again, he did promise to do this and went on antidepressants and kept claiming was waiting for referall to counsellor from GP, I now think this last bit was a lie as have heard nothing. he has been trying really hard to please me, bit too hard really and hasn't done anything to upset us, but I have said if he doesn't deal with his issues then he won't change his behaviour permanently, therefore i'll just be waiting for him to reoffend. which I will not do. he just wants to put in the past and says I'm not going through this again, so therefore he leaves me no choice but to end it.

Ok - so is that what you're going to do - end it?

Hi, WWIFN. you have advised me before and I found it really helpful, I name changed because I didn't want people to think 'oh her again, why doesn't she just chuck him out' lol. I have been rosyred and daisymoomin recently, so you may remember the threads. I was waiting on him to go for the counselling but I now think he lied and hasn't arranged it at all. He has done so many hurtful tyhings in the past and I know I'm not to blame. when he had recent affair I was in a bad place emotionally and really needed him and he abandoned me, that I just can't forgive. I also think he's still lying, he says they went to hotel and didn't have sex but his facts are vague and story has changed, maybe thye didn't but I don't think it was as he tells it, i.e it was his choice. Ive had all the she made me happy, and was having midlife crises, he's never blamed me. I have asked for her contact deatails to confirm story, he says he doesn't have number or know where she lives!!!! I am not stupid, but he is very convincing. I will end it whether I'm pregnant or not, I do value myself and don't want to lose that. he always says My family mean everything to me and I would do anything for you. just so confused about which way to turn atm.

Thanks Happy woman, you are right to a point, he does want us to be together but was his reasons are who knows, he says he loves me but you know I don't listen to words anymore. H needs me more than I need him. house is in my name and he has no rights here. He does provide but he would have to do that anyway, so nothing would change for me, but everything would change for him.

Oh yes I remember you. No, from what you said on those and others' threads about him, this is never going to work with this man - he really is too flawed and has done it too many times. Yes. I agree with you, he is lying. Cut your losses with this one and call time.

I don't think you can move on because there sounds like so much that hasn't been resolved. Either you need to tackle this head-on, and make real changes together, or look to move on without him. I'm so sorry, I do wonder if he's biding his time and waiting to find a way out without looking like an evil wife-deserter. I wouldn't believe for a second he doesn't have the OW's number, but he won't want you contacting her and making waves there.

I think you need to get as much support as you can, and start to prepare for how you'd manage without him.

Yes your right, the truth hurts though.
If a man really wants his marriage to work what do you think he should be prepared to do. I just know that if I did this I would do everything I could to resolve it.

this man has an awful lot to hide...no wonder he won't give you OW's contact details

and he doesn't seem to be trying hard enough, pink, I am sorry

let him go, before he tells you any more lies

you deserve more than this

Chippy, I think he wories about what other people think, he says he doesn't care but he mentions it all the time. he lies to pretend he is good and is always self praising, I have said I am not your mother nor do I want to be and I will not be in that kind of relationship. he does a lot for me, in a practical sense and I don't like this either at the moment, just feels like he wants to please too much.
I am his security blanket and he knows how expensive it would be for him to live alone.
He also has issues about being a failure and I am jusr sick and tired of his issues.

I know deep down the truth, I know he went looking for an affair, I know he gave it all the charm, he won't tell me cause he knws i'll tell my friends and family and that i'll never tae him back. I think he justifies it by the fact that he ended things with me ad he didn't want to come back. but he only ended it with me after he had met her. that doesn't make it right does it? I was just sitting here trying to search for her on facebook with only her first name to go on and just thought what am I doing to myself

I think I would be inclined to bide my time, focus on myself and the children and put myself in a space where I do not really need him around any more. I cannot see the point of trying to contact the other woman - no good would come of it and it would not achieve anything. In any case, you cannot force him to hand over a number. So best just concentrate on yourself for the moment.
After a time you may have got yourself into an emotional place where you would be quite happy without him. The ball (s!) are then in your court. He can either shape up or ship out. Think about you, not him. Eventually, you will decide what works best for you and the children.

I just desperately need the truth though, to see if my instincts are right or if the man did come to his senses. it finished with her shortly after hotel stay and again details are vague, he says he just ignored her calls, I think she became suspicious of his intentions and ended it. if he was telling the truth then surely he would go to any lenghts to prove it, I know I would. He did tell her lies. he told me that he said I was living in our large house in an affluent area. I was in a large house in an affluent area, it was a hostel ffs.
He told her we had been seperated for ages, reality was only weeks. I confronted her once but ended up ranting and raving and making myself look mad, of course he turned it round and said exactly that and she felt sorry for him.

pink stuff - I know this hurts, really I do, but you asked what should a man do if he really wants his marriage to work?

Rewind to after the first affair - with your SIL of all people (was this actually the first?) if he really was a man worth having, he would have made sure he got to the bottom of his demons then and he would never have put you through this pain again.

And here we are now, when he has done it yet again - is he an open book? Does he tell you everything about the affair? Has he had counselling? Does he understand your pain? Is he doing everything in his power to understand him and ensure he never hurts you - or anyone - like this ever again? These are of course rhetorical questions, because he is doing none of those things.

I don't underestimate how difficult all this must be when you're pregnant, but you don't have to have a romantic relationship with him to co-parent your family. In fact, you might find you get more time to yourself once he sorts out alternative accommodation and can have the children there.

What do your children say? How damaged have they been by his actions? I assume they have lost their cousin relationships because of his actions with your brother's wife?

Really have a think about how likely it is that this man will change, when he has sought no help whatsoever to do so and when he is still lying. You don't really want that do you?

Absolutely not. as I said before I should have got some balls this last time and not took him back into my house or bed but for some reason I couldn't let go. you are right about Sil I have thought exactly the same, no decent person would put their spouse through that again, especially as the fallout was monumental, I still don't speak to my brother often and we were close before.
he couldn't lie about that affair as SIL told me everything. although he did try.
I often wonder about her being the first as it is a big risk to take and require some manipulation.
I have to do this now for my own self worth and sanity, I have had a lifetime of people that I love cheating and lying. I need to know that there is someone out there who will treat me as I deserve. He hasn't done enough to prove anything to me, otherwise he would just give me her number and not be bothered what she thought would he.
I told him yesterday that I just can't forgive and forget this time and I really can't. when look at him, there is no respect, I just see a cheating perv. Now the hard part will be getting him to leave, he doesn't like hearing things that don't go in his favour. in his eyes he has done nothing wrong recently so doesn't understand why I am like this.

Good - keep thinking like this pinkstuff. When you say he doesn't understand what he's done wrong, well that just about sums it up doesn't it?

You know, you might find many more gains than losses in this situation. I suspect you might be able to restore your relationship with your brother, who is just as much a victim of shitty behaviour as you. I know he has been dealing with it in his own way and as he's sorted out his marriage and forgiven his wife, it's made your relationship difficult. Mending fences with him doesn't mean you have to forgive SIL - although perhaps you might in time.

Tell him to leave and mean it, if that's really what you've decided. Have you got help and support arranged for your labour and after the baby's born?

I have many good friends, who were there the first time he left. so am not worried about that. He does know what he's done, what I mean is he can't bear to hear it or confront it, all he said is Ive let you all down, and when I mention SIL, he says what can I do to resolve it, he never understood why my brother didn't land one on him, but my brothers not like thatm he will just hate from a distance. I went through so much before they did that. my mum died and I wasn't talking to my dad because of his affair whcih resulted in child. He knows the pain Ive had since the age of 17 and still only thought of his own needs. How do I detach from him, we have always had a passionate and intense marriage and I don't know how to stop thinking of him like that. I don't even think I love him. I don't know what it is. am also worried that other men will run a mile when they know I have 5 children, I know its not important right now, but I don't want to be lonely forever

Yes, I remember you saying that before, about the pain you have suffered because of your parents' marriage and your Mum's death. That's probably why your brother feels such pain too - all of these things happened to him too and then his wife cheated with another member of the family. I feel sorry for both of you.

How to detach? I'm not the best person to advise on that, because I haven't had to. Hopefully others who have done that successfully will come along to help you, pinkstuff. Just from what I've read on here though, I wonder whether you are co-dependent on eachother and it's a bit like weaning yourself off an addiction. Wishing you luck and strength.

I fail big time at 'detachment' but have nonetheless learnt and thought a good deal since reading this.

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I really hope it helps you; I think it will whatever you decide you need to be stronger than you are right now. I am thinking of you even though I don't know what to say!

So sorry to read this. You were the first person I ever posted to on here - just felt I had to.

So glad you have many good friends around you and I am sure they will be there for you. As far as being lonely is concerned, I would imagine you feel that way now. Better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone and it won't last forever.

Sorry don't have much to say but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Take care.

ok, I am now going to post whole story of my life with this man, it will be long so understand if nobody wants to read it. I need to do this because its therapeutic and to see how many ghastly reactions I get. lol.
Okay met him at 16, was passionate but he was possesive and needy. mum got ill with cancer, I had just finished college so decided to start family young with him, so I could also be around to help my mum.
had 1st dd at 19, then 2nd dd at 22. lived in rented houses, he always got us into arrears. was emotionally and physically abuse throughout marriage. married at 22.
had issues with gambling for years.
My mum got secondary cancer years later and died, left me money, he pressured me to keep oon at pension company paying it, I did, he used some of it on business ventures that invariably failed. we then bought a house with money from my dad and he lived with us.
H promised would always pay mortgage. ended up getting remortgages and having to sell to prevent repossession. dad lost £45,000.
He also borrowed £1000 from my uncle during this time and has never paid it back.
Had sons by then. I had emotional affair around this time, which I told him about after SIL affair came out. don't know why, he completely went over the top about it.
I moved to property by myself with children after selling house. eventually I took him back, then I found he'd been on internet sex datin sites and found a photo of a penis on his phone. anyway that was dealt with, he'd never met anyone, just perving I guess.
Then he went through a phase of hding his phone, picking kids up from school, looking nice etc. transpires he was trying to pull a v attractive mum of one the girls in my daughters class, on the pretence of helping her buy a car.
Anyway I believed his lies again. then we had a massive row one night and he put his hands round my throat, I left next day and went to police. he was arrested lied again.
I left house with children and stayed with dad and family in Essex. he refused to leave house. he then fessed up to Sil affair 7 years previous. shit hit the fan. he eventually left house I went back home, he got a flat round the corner . Then he got a bad ear infection and had to be hospitalised. me like a mug felt sorry for him over time and we got together again. I then had enough of moving house. had lived in 7 houses since 1995. I went to hostel with children. we were still together but not living together. I had the best year of my life there and so did the kids, we met great people and just felt free.
Anyway he obv got jealous of my new lifestyle and kept asking me to get a rented place with him. I refused as I had fought so hard with council to get rehoused in permanent affordable housing. after I had been there a year and the end was nigh, he had affair with OW. I had spent all that time trying to come to terms with SIL affair and building bridges with my brother and niece and nephew. we were so close before it came out. Anyway I moved out of hostel into house and he was in throes of affair, during which time before I knew he was having affair I used to let him come and go. don't ask why don't know. he was horrible during this time and said his head was in a mess, didn't want to be with me and needed to be alone.
At one point he moved back with me and in that time he said he had a lads night out and he got all suited up and even checked what pants he should wear. I was watching him get ready so he couldn't choose best ones.
Anyway I was obv suspicious as I called him several times, phone was turned of. he cam back about 11.15pm I said right I know your up to something. he said I'm not listening to this and left and went to his place. I bagged up his stuff and we stayed apart. one night I went out with friends and decided to go to his place as had feeling she would be there. I knocked on door, he dragged me down path, kicking and screaming. I was newly pregnant then and thought she should know. he obv didnt want her to know this.He bruised me badly and ended up leaving me a bruised sobbing mess on the floor and walked off with her.
Yes I took him back again finally in September and put the conditions of what he must do. so here I am now. this is a condensed version of my life with him. many incidents, too many to tell all. obviously he has been great in between bad times, otherwise I wouldn't still be here.
now who thinks I should stay and work it out? lol!!!!!!

Not me!

What you think not? I am actually laughing now, can't believe I put up with this shit for so long, even his own mother doesn't cal him anymore.