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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has admitted he's an alcoholic - any advice?

91 replies

BemusedMum · 21/03/2010 22:42

I have name changed because DP knows my usual name, and I'd rather he doesn't know about this thread yet...

I've been concerned by DP's drinking since Christmas. I was reading another thread on MN about another poster's alcoholic DH, my DP read it over my shoulder and it seemed to strike a chord with him. During a long discussion he said he did think he was dependant on alcohol, that he was scared and embarrassed. He realised he had to get 'on top' of his drinking, hoping to keep away from drink for a couple of weeks then only drinking a little every now and then. He didn't last three days. We are both quite shocked (I thought he had better self control, and neither of us realised drink had such a hold over him!) This was last night. We don't live together. I left his home a few hours ago and I am really hoping that he is sticking to his resolve not to drink.

I would like to support his recovery, but after last night I am not so certain I can. Iwas so cross and disappointed with him I almost called it a day then. I am worried I could waste the next few months/years of my life, only to end up in misery. He isn't a nasty drunk, but his hangovers can be uncomfortable to be around. I find the most frustrating thing to be that he is unable to do anything in the evening, or the morning! I do worry that there is a possibility of him becoming a nasty drunk.

There are so many thoughts and worrys running around my head, I just don't know where to start! I feel terribly sad.

OP posts:

lucyxxx · 09/04/2010 21:11

oops I meant to reply to ItsGraceAgain (Lucy isn't my real name so I got a bit confused

MIFLAW · 11/04/2010 01:30

Lucy

I am sorry you feel my reply was ignorant of alcoholism - obviously I learnt nothing about what it means when consuming 100-200 units a week in my 20s.

I also found out on Wednesday night that the number of "poeple I know" has recently been reduced by one. He was about forty.

I think you'll agree, though, that, ignorant or not, nothing I said knocks this treatment or the people it works for. You can be sure that, whenever I hear about a treatment that does not involve sitting in church halls and community centres on a regular basis, I am all ears. But, perhaps luckily for me, none of them ever sounds like it would work for me. If it has worked for your husband, that's brilliant news. But, like I say, I honestly believe that I never really wanted to be a normal drinker. I thought I WAS one - but, when I found out what it entailed (ie drinking less) I was horrified and could not face the thought. And my - polite, measured, curious - point was that, for someone like me, I don't see how this method would work, because the goal of drinking less just wasn't there. The goal of drinking a lot and not feeling it, not hurting anyone, not going to AA, that was there - but, offered this treatment, I think I'd have turned it down. And I don't think I am alone amongst alcoholics.

So, that was my point, really. Sorry again if anyone has found it possible to misconstrue that as an attack on them or their chosen therapy.

For the record - I go to AA because I understand piss artists and don't understand civilians - and because I have a short memory.

strangeitude · 11/04/2010 04:25

yes I have experience of it and no its not worth it. Get out. Many times I have said that I should have dumped my ex when he first told me he was an alcoholic but that I didn't really understand what that meant.

That is all.

strangeitude · 11/04/2010 04:34

oh and reading the previous page - seems at first you thought a bottle of wine in the evening was normal and then it got heavier. He was trying to put on a good face for you at the beginning! And of course alcoholics have some capacity to control their drinking, sometimes daily and sometimes sobering up completely for a week or so, but they are still alcoholics and it's just a classic mistake to fall into the 'congratulate him for trying' error. It's just part of the pattern.

Like I said, it's not worth it. You don't want this to go on long enough to really know what being an alcoholic means. With luck though the relationship will end naturally before you really get down to the nasty truth, but it might not.

I was even shocked and alarmed when my alcoholic best mate moved in and I'd known him for years and never knew how devious he was and how much completely secret drinking he did. OK everyone will be a little different but addiction is scary and takes over people's behaviour.

jbabyj · 12/04/2010 11:08

MIFLAW, what you said about wanting to continue drinking alot but without the consequences rather than stop drinking has sruck a chord with me,i had never thought of it before but now realise this might be the problem my ex has and why he failed to recover even with some help. how did you get better?

MIFLAW · 12/04/2010 15:03

AA. Not to everyone's taste but it worked for me. I would definitely recommend it and, at the very least, suggest finding out for yourself about it, because there are many misconceptions about it, some of them stoked by people with their own agendas.

moviegirl · 12/04/2010 15:09

If you have read my threat (midlife crisis) I really thought my DH had a drinking problem but he wont hear of it. He has been drinking a bottle of whiskey most nights for months (to dull out he pain of all the horrible and nasty things i did to him) but after our first major bust up 3 weeks ago he promised not to drink. he didnt for 2 weeks then we went on holiday.

We both missed having a glass of wine so bought a couple of bottle of red. We had a couple of glasses but i stopped and he didnt. he got smashed out of his skull and then the verbal abuse and sex thing happened.

does this mean he is an alcoholic? Are his mood swings down to this? He hasnt drank for 3 days now but am living on eggshells that if he does it will all kick off again. He says the drink has nothing to do with it - it is all down to the resentment and hurt he feels for what i did ---- i am not saying I am blameless but surely a person should be able to forgive and move on? Why cant he? Is it the drink?

MIFLAW · 13/04/2010 00:25

"does this mean he is an alcoholic?"

Two ways of looking at this. One is that it is pointless trying to judge if someone else is an alcoholic because, until he or she admits it for himself or herself, it is meaningless.

On the other hand, if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then, nine times out of ten, it's a duck.

I can also tell you that, although he is clearly older now than I was when I stopped drinking, he drinks far more than I did, and I am very definitely an alcoholic. Make of that what you will. (I am also male, btw.)

I think you should decide for yourself what he is and act accordingly in your own best interests. Don't wait for him to work it out for himself, he may never make it and he can put you through a hell of a lot in the process.

MIFLAW · 13/04/2010 00:28

His reasons are neither here nor there, tbh. I am sure Peter Sutcliffe had his reasons too but that doesn't make it a valid defence. Focus on how much he drinks, whether or not you are happy with that, and the problems it causes in your life.

If you drink and bad things happen and you drink again, that's a drinking problem. It really isn't rocket science.

outofmysystem · 13/04/2010 10:05

bemused..I'll be honest and tell you I have not read the whole thread but my advice is simple,
offer him help[to get help I mean]

do not be there for him,

set a timespan of 3 months to stop problem drinking[tell him obviously] and if it hasn't happened,end it.

Sorry,but there is no other way.

jbabyj · 13/04/2010 20:49

thanks MIFLAW, i did go with him when he went for help which did help me to know what to do or not do. i have thought about seeing someone myself, i feel so angry and resentful that his drink problem has stopped me from having the life i wanted for me and my DS

jbabyj · 13/04/2010 20:55

moviegirl he is using the past as an excuse for his behaviour/drinking problem. and if he cant stop once he starts hes an alcoholic

Dogandbone · 13/04/2010 22:38

Useful website; addictioninfo.org

Good luck and well done for doing something about this stuff.

MIFLAW · 14/04/2010 13:52

jbabyj

A lot of people swear by AlAnon but I can't comment as neither I nor (as far as I know) any of my family have ever been.

Probably worth a look though.

Milokirk · 22/07/2010 11:25

To Kirkers,

With respect, I want to point out that orange-papers.org distorts facts and figures. Agent Orange ignores research he doesn't like. He'll read a whole book and quote only the one sentence that supports his views. He invented the AA '95% failure rate', by misrepresenting the writings of George Vaillant and distorting the figures from an internal AA member survey.

Though millions of people have attended AA, Agent Orange will not admit that AA has helped a single one of them. By his obsessive anti-AA stance, Orange may be turning away desperate people whom AA might be able to help.

You can read an interesting critic of some of Agent Orange's erroneous claims at: www.green-papers.org

mears · 22/07/2010 11:56

MIFLAW - did you receive support from the AA as past of recovery programme/treatment or did you just attend AA without anything else.

My sister is an alcoholic and once she admitted this she attended a residentialtreatment centre (sorry not proper terminology). Part of that recovery included attending AA meetings. She has been sober for 6 years now and still attends AA meetings on a minimum weekly basis.
AA was not the only answer. She had a lot of counselling in 'rehab' and got down to the reasons why she was an addict in the first place. Isn't that a necessary part of recovery?

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