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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Double standards

48 replies

juliaruralwife · 21/03/2010 18:25

Do we all put up with them - or is it just me? I am a stay at home Mum, and have been for 11 years now. Apparently as I earn no money it is expected that I accept the double standards imposed on me.

Here are a few of my favourites...

If he loses his temper it is because he is stressed. If I lose my temper it's because I'm a freakin' psycho.

When he makes a comment it is constructive critism. When I make a comment its nagging.

If he says something that is wrong he is simply misinformed. If I do it I'm stupid.

When he watches sport its important. When I watch soaps(e.g.) its pointless/brainless.

If he disappears for half an hour he's busy, if I do it I'm abandoning/ignoring him.

If he goes to sleep on the sofa it's cos he's tired because he works so hard. If I go to sleep on the sofa its absurd/ridiculous/very unattractive.

"It was only a snog on a park bench" from him means it meant nothing, stop over-reacting. "It was only a snog on a park bench" from me would mean we're over.

Sadly all these are double standards that I have to swallow. Am I alone? How to I maintain my self respect? Just interested to know if there are others out there and how you deal with it.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 21/03/2010 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

norksinmywaistband · 21/03/2010 18:49

I would get very pissed off with this sort of comment - I would let him know so as well.

Does this run deeper though, has he actually snogged someone recently?
Are you ok?

IMO if he HAS done that in addition to constantly putting you down and belittling you, I would have difficulty staying

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/03/2010 18:51

I think you're a fool to put up with it, sorry.

TheSteelFairy2 · 21/03/2010 18:54

He sounds like an arse tbh.

Similar to my EX!

coppertop · 21/03/2010 19:14

I couldn't live with that 'Do as I say and not as I do' rubbish.

Double standards aside, only a complete arsehole would think it was fine to refer to his dp/dw as stupid, brainless, psycho and nagging.

If he's anything like the ones I've met IRL, he will consider himself to be popular and the life and soul of the party - not realising that everyone thinks he's an arsewipe.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 19:15

julia...have you posted before about your twat of a husband ?

I wouldn't put up with it either

who the fuck does he think he is?

more importantly...how low is your self-esteem to stay with a self-entitled emotional abuser like this ?

MarshaMallow · 21/03/2010 19:30

I am a SAHM too...for a similar amount of time to yourself...I have no independent income as such....and you do not have to accept these so called double standards!

I'm angry on your behalf!

So what if he earns the pennies...I am in charge of the 'future generation' - in the grand scheme of things I believe my job has a greater impact than mere penny earning! Ooo I think I got a bit carried away then....but you get the gist?!

For a family to work each person involved has an equal and valid role to play...your role is just as valid as being the wage earner.

Sorry julia but I have no advice on dealing with a man like this, I wouldn't be living with someone who devalued my contribution towards the family so much.

... my attitude this sort of behaviour is shown higher up in my post and adopting my attitude may get you into even more bother.

HappyWoman · 21/03/2010 19:33

sorry but i would not put up with this.
I have been lucky in that my h had some time off work and saw just how hard running the home can be.
It sounds as if he really does not respect you at all and it sounds as if you are putting up with that.

Do you ever tell him how this makes you feel? If he continues even when he knows then he truely is an arse.

FabIsGettingThere · 21/03/2010 19:33

Has he snogged someone else?

I am a sahm and have been since I was very early pregnant. DH has always said we both work but he gets paid money for his job and me staying at home enables him to go out to work.

Don't put with this anymore.

Original poster
juliaruralwife · 21/03/2010 19:42

Thanks for support MNs.
Yes, I have posted before and yes, snog on a bench was a year or so ago.
I am almost ashamed that I am still here with someone who treats me so badly but he works away most weeks and so i lead my own life most of the time.

It is good to get a reality check on the unacceptability of the situatin. Today he got stoppy about something or other and walked away from me and DSs and i asked "where are you going?" and his charming reply? "Shut up". Nice. Later I simply said i didn't want to him to talk to me like that in front of the DSs as I didn't want them to think that it was an acceptable and he was super defensive (i.e. somehow it was all my fault) and then didn't talk to me for the rest of the day (he has gone back to london now).

Being a SAHM means that i am super scared of how i would cope financially if we separated.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 21/03/2010 19:57

Find out how you'd be placed if you did split. It's empowering.

AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 19:59

look, julia

you don't have to tolerate being treated like a domestic appliance

book an appointment with a solicitor and see what your financial situation would be, were you to split

I think you will be pleasantly surprised

he has you running scared...does he think you have no rights just because you are a SAHM ?

tbh...you seem to think that too

so of course, he will treat you like shit

because you see yourself as someone not deserving of respect

I remember your old threads

he sounds like an arrogant, jumped-up twat

don't think this treatment is all you can expect

it isn't

FabIsGettingThere · 21/03/2010 20:01

I would love to say take all his money and tell him not to come home when he is due too.

ItsGraceAgain · 21/03/2010 21:26

Julia wrote:

** Sadly all these are double standards
=> No, they're abusive, rude & domineering "supremacist" standards.

** that I have to swallow.
=> No, you do not have to swallow it.

** Am I alone?
=> Sadly, not by a long chalk. You read other threads in this forum, don't you?

** How to I maintain my self respect?
=> You have no self respect to "maintain". Sign up for an assertiveness course - personally would be best, but use an online one if you can't get out. And check out your rights - seriously.

** Just interested to know if there are others out there
=> Julia, you know there are! But you won't find a mutual whining club around here - what you'll find are many women, gently gaining strength, and many more supporting them towards independence.

** and how you deal with it.
=> You have 2 choices: Put up, shut up and become an invisible, servile, voiceless, self-deluding throwback to the days of unequal rights & opportunities. Or decide you are a worthwhile human being, seize your opportunities and break for freedom.

Original poster
juliaruralwife · 21/03/2010 21:38

Thank you Grace and all of you, actually. It is so helpful to have a mirror held up to make me realise what I have become and what crap I put up with. I do know that I am worth a whole lot more but am at a loss to know how to change my DH so that we can have an equal relationship. I think that having accepted him back after all that he has put me through means that he has lost all respect for me and therefore the double standards arise. I know that I have to make him realise that he cannot treat me like this. Long old road...

I will find a legal person to talk to to find out my rights - you are right it will empower me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/03/2010 21:43

julia...you sound lovely

please do not blame yourself...that just enables him

it is never too late to put yourself first...please remember that x

SolidGoldBrass · 21/03/2010 22:55

Have a read of this, Julia. This is not 'double standards', it's abuse. He thinks he's more important than you because he has a penis, he doesn;t think of you as a person.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/03/2010 04:59

What everyone else said. I'm the breadwinner in my family, and I treat my husband with love and respect and fidelity.

How old are your children? Schoolage, I'm guessing, if you've been out of the workforce for 11 years. I think maybe it's time to consider looking for employment, to be honest, even part time. It's pretty empowering. It will give you some outside interest and independence and perspective.

HappyWoman · 22/03/2010 06:33

You say you are almost ashamed to still be with him.

For me that is the saddest thing. You are angry at yourself because you see yourself as a weak person.

Even though my h had an affair and treated me terribly i am still proud of him and of us.
I dont like to shout about it to everyone but i wouldnt feel bad having to justify why i am with him even after what he did. BECAUSE we have worked at it. niether of us are putting up.

Everyday he tells me how sorry he is and makes me feel like the most special woman in the world.
And if he ever made me feel so low again i know i could leave him with no guilt at all.

Dont feel guilty that you should have been able to get over what he has done it is not your failing - the only thing you did was not know yourself well enough to know youwoul d find it hard.

Good luck - you will be able to cope alone. it is easier than haveing to live the way you are.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 08:03

hw, possibly I think the difference here is that what happened with your DH is out in the open and he has proved to you by his actions that what you have is worth both of you fighting for

I don't see that here, do you ?

Nemofish · 22/03/2010 10:31

Posts like the OP's remind me to teach my daughter self respect and not to marry / have a relationship the first idiot who chips away at her self esteem and convinces her she can't do better.

Its 20 fucking 10 not 1910, why do we / women put up with this shite?

So many men make out that they are 'right on' but intheir personal relationships, well it's just thinly veiled abused and one sidedness.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 10:34

hear hear, nemo

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/03/2010 10:55

Julia - I've read a few of your other posts/threads. You can get out of this relationship and it seems to me that all the while you stay put, understandably your contempt for him grows, but what worries me is that you are contemptuous of yourself now.

Surely life would be better on your own, with the DCs? Ten years out of the workforce isn't a major problem these days and it would improve your confidence and esteem immeasurably if you were able to earn some money, meet new people and learn new skills.

I seem to recall that you moved miles away from your support network - is there any possibility of moving back and nearer to people who could help with childcare if you went to work?

I think you'll be uncovering infidelitites and indiscretions for years to come with this man - and no-one has to put up with that. But in addition to all of that, he is treating you with utter contempt - I just can't see what you're getting out of this relationship. One of you has to be brave here - and it's unlikely to be him.

Nemofish · 22/03/2010 12:08

Thanks, AF

HappyWoman · 22/03/2010 12:51

AF - yes i know mine is so different. I also know that i would not put up with that crap ever again.

One of my big fears was that i would lose all respect for him and feel bitter and twisted by the past. Of course there are odd moments when i do feel these things - but i also do not feel trapped by them.

I did not want to be a victim - the most empowering thing is to have choice and take control over your life.

For me it took the form of legal advice - so i was no longer scared that i would end up penniless and homeless, and just getting through some time alone.

Once you decide not to be a victim you can change your life.

I am not the poor sad wife who even though i know my h was a shit and screwed around just ignored it. No i am a lovely woman who has choosen to share my life with a man who i share a great deal of history and children with. Someone who i actaully want to grow old with. But not at any expense - as long as we both continue to make each other happy we will be togehter.

Take the power of your own life and whatever you decide to do you will feel so much freer.