Double standards

[juliaruralwife]

Do we all put up with them - or is it just me? I am a stay at home Mum, and have been for 11 years now. Apparently as I earn no money it is expected that I accept the double standards imposed on me.

Here are a few of my favourites...

If he loses his temper it is because he is stressed. If I lose my temper it's because I'm a freakin' psycho.

When he makes a comment it is constructive critism. When I make a comment its nagging.

If he says something that is wrong he is simply misinformed. If I do it I'm stupid.

When he watches sport its important. When I watch soaps(e.g.) its pointless/brainless.

If he disappears for half an hour he's busy, if I do it I'm abandoning/ignoring him.

If he goes to sleep on the sofa it's cos he's tired because he works so hard. If I go to sleep on the sofa its absurd/ridiculous/very unattractive.

"It was only a snog on a park bench" from him means it meant nothing, stop over-reacting. "It was only a snog on a park bench" from me would mean we're over.

Sadly all these are double standards that I have to swallow. Am I alone? How to I maintain my self respect? Just interested to know if there are others out there and how you deal with it.

"not at any expense..."

that is the key, I think

I dunno if I have said this to you before, hw, but I greatly respect your posts x

Sorry to hear your other half treats you like this. Do you actually think he would behave differently if y ou did have a separate income though??

Personally i think he is just a twat and would treat you this way no matter what you do/don't do.

I think the only way to maintain your self respect is to ditch him.

Do you want your DC's to grow up thinking that this is the way a marriage works?? Find out where you would stand financially withuot him or a starter.

Julia,

For me too this situation is sad but true...I wonder if they are long lost twins! I don't think you're alone by any means.

a story like yours with a happy ending-i became friends with a wonderful woman about 3 yrs ago just before she had her 2nd child with the twt. she was a SAHM and he belittled her every step of the way, sounds just like what yours is doing to you. he even refused to pick up some milk on the way home once just after the birth as that was "her job" and WTF had she been doing all day anyway? she accepted what he said to her! i got to know her during that stage, so i never knew what kind of woman she really was. he went increasingly loopy and she found the courage to leave. fast forward to now-she is in a new relationship, and very happy, she looks fantastically healthy, her kids are well balanced even tho they see the twt regularly, and, though she had to become Benefits and Legal savvy, that was no bad thing, and she more than manages. as said above, you might be pleasantly surprised by your legal position, and she and the tw*t weren't even married.

Good luck!

WhenwillI, I have read your very sane and wondeful advice for lots of other MNs and yet again you speak alot of sense.

I now envisage life on my own and see it not as scary (as I used too) but as preferable. My support network is getting better and better and I dont want to move back to London - the DCs are settled and I would be happy to be single here. He can have London.

I agree - there will be many more lies.

But more than anything I just cannot envisage getting old with H - I see lovely old couples holding hands and wearing matching fleeces wandering along by the sea, and I think - that will NEVER be us. And I'd rather be on my own than with a mean old man who doesnt want to hold my wrinkly hand.

Nemo, unfortunately it isn't just men, even though it must seem like it to some women who get walked all over. Men do get walked over as well.

God, can't you tell it's a bad day today?

Think I need a good kick up the a**e or a single malt (or both...)

I know, but I was making the comment in this context of the OP's situation, iyswim.

Thanks Nemo, needed that..mmmm

you wrote what makes sense, perhaps I didn't.

Isn't there a smiley for stop feeling sorry for yourself?....

So when are you leaving him Julia?

HappyWoman if only more women could have your attitude! Well done

Remember op. It is not your fault that you have put up with his vile behaviour. The nature of and abuser will chip away at you then suck you back in with ''charm'' only to start chipping away at you again. It's great that you have realised what he is really like.

I keep reading posts recently that criticise the op for putting up with a man's bad behaviour on other threads too. Lets not forget that abusers are very skilled at manipulation and women will often stay with them for years before realising the extent of the abuse and finding the confidence to break free. It is not because the woman is weak or anti-feminist. It is because he is a PRICK!

Hope you get out ok op.

Nancypants - thanks for your happy ending story! It is becoming apparent that the legal side of things is my next step.

Portiacabin - sorry to hear you are in same boat. How do you cope? What are your survival mechanisms? Are you wanting out? Do you worry, as I do, about the long term implications of bringing up DCs in a house of double standards? So many questions now I start...

Bin him.

Here's some unofficial legal advice - if you have been married for over 11 years and have been a SAHM, you will rinse him. Chin-chin.

Nancypants - thanks for your happy ending story! It is becoming apparent that the legal side of things is my next step.

Portiacabin - sorry to hear you are in same boat. How do you cope? What are your survival mechanisms? Are you wanting out? Do you worry, as I do, about the long term implications of bringing up DCs in a house of double standards? So many questions now I start...

I haven't read all the posts but before I say leave him, have you tried marriage counseling, is he open to it? So that he can see through a mediator how appalling his behaviour is. Sometimes these men need to hear it from someone else, the mediator also lets you both speak and listen to other person etc. It maybe the only way he finally realises and hopefully learns to treat you better.

On the other hand if you have tried everything and talking etc and none of it has worked. It's worth thinking about the fact that he is setting a very poor example to DCs on how to treat a women and you'd be setting a better example by leaving him. Someone else put that so much better to me on my situation a while ago, but you get the gist.

Sorry re-posted (duh)

Thanks posh! Hope to be as you soon! And thanks BTR - your advice actually brought a smile to my sorry mug!

The manipulation is the hardest to deal with posh - it is so hard to stay self aware and confident when you are being told that you are dumb and not worth listening to. However when I read back my diaries i can see that I am not the crazy one and you all help too!

Yesterday I told him I didnt like being told to shut up in front of DCs and he hasnt talked to me since! Literally not a word. It is just extraordinary that I am not permitted to express any critism without a total self-pitying withdrawal and impending explosion predicted if i bring it up. Part of the reason that I put up and shut up is so that I dont get yelled at. Silly me. Does anyone else have to hold the phone at arms length?! Not going to put up with it ANY MORE.

Oh my word! That's shocking. Hmmm perhaps ditch marriage counseling idea.

Wow he is showing his kids that "this" is how you treat a women.

Leave now.

Julia - think you have had some great advice here. Going back to work would be a real step forward, just a few hours is a massive boost to your self esteem and would not stop you getting financial help.
Bringing up a family and running a house give you many skills you might not have thought of adding to your CV - I work in recruitment, I know what employers look for....organisational skills; able to communicate with people at all levels; budgeting; you obviously have some IT skills too lol.
You have so much to offer and look forward to.

Don't bother with marriage counselling, it won't work when one partner is abusive, and your H is abusive. Best of luck with getting rid.

I think there are two issues here.

1. There are double standards. Yeah, I think that happens a lot in life. IME, men tend to expect more than they actually give. My DH might expect me to do things (like look after the kids and the house), but then be totally incapable of doing it himself because he's "a bloke and blokes can't multi task like women can" . I have this, and I work so its not a SAHM thing.

But actually, you're not really talking about double standards though are you. I can laugh off my husband's feeble attempts to get out of having a messy house etc, but what you're dealing with is on a totally different level. The things you have said are not respectful to you. In fact, they sound almost full of contempt. It comes across as though he does not see you as an equal, and certainly does not treat you that way.

I don't know the way forward for you, but please don't just accept it as double standards, because I think this is on a totally different level.
HTH

and good luck.

Thanks kitty, I agree with you. The more I think about the way he treats me it is plain as day that he has no respect for me. Everyone deserves more than that.

yes, including you!!

Good Luck...it will be a huge weight off your shoulders if you get rid....your life will feel so easy.