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Relationships

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Original poster

What was the defining moment that made you realise it was over?...

112 replies

skinnyhinny · 21/03/2010 14:44

I love my H very much but not in the way I think I should and although we are actually living in a happy house at the moment I'm sure it can't go on and that something is missing. Am waiting for what that actually is to hit me in the face/creep up on me etc etc

So I was just wondering as a bit of a poll what or when that might be! There's been talk on another thread that there will definitely be 'the moment' that it hits you or dawns on you that it is definitely finally over. I don't mean finding out about an affair or anything as concrete as that but more the 'final straw' Only wondering because I'm waiting for mine....!

OP posts:

WhoDidIMarry · 27/07/2011 15:00

About five weeks ago when I returned seven minutes later than I had said I would be from coffee with a friend. I had timed my rare two hour jaunt to coincide with the DC's nap so that he wouldn't have to "look after" them as such. Only youngest DC (11 months) had other ideas and refused to sleep. Upon my return, he shouted at me that the kids had been a nightmare and that HIS Saturday had now been ruined. He then stormed out of the house in a huff. Arse.

That was my last straw. Like others, I'd put up with a lot before that.

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 15:15

When he said that he would rather we be together and I be remain depressed, than be apart but remain friends.

BibiBlocksberg · 27/07/2011 16:42

So many to choose from really (with hindsight and admitting it to myself now)

But the real defining moment for me was when one of our cats was injured.

Bit of a long boring story but at the time the cat officially belonged to the neighbours who were mistreating her and were being thoroughly unpleasant to me whenever I tried to speak to them.

I'd been looking out for the cat, giving her a bit of food, shelter etc.

Anyway, one day she came in with blood on one of her front paws and evidently in a lot of pain.

I was frantically trying to think of what best to do - she needed a vet asap but if I took her posed as her owner said I was her owner was scanned for a chip I'd be exposed as a fraud, welfare of the animal on the other hand etc etc. Owners didn't want to know.

I was tying myself in absolute knots trying to make a decision, all the while ex was sitting in the living room eating and playing video games, fully aware of the distress I was in.

All requests to help me make a decision or come with me to speak to the owners again were met with 'there's nothing you can do, leave it alone' and 'I don't know, nothing to do with me is it'

Eventually I took her in to a local vet only to discover that all four of her paws were bleeding and the claws virtually stumps (vet reckoned near miss on being hit by a car)

Sorry, long saga for this basic point - I couldn't believe that ex would just leave a creature to suffer because he just could not be bothered and to happily leave me flapping all by myself as well. It brought a lot of other instances into focus where he would just refuse to get involved in anything that was affecting/upsetting me as well, so bit of a light bulb moment

I actually heard my internal voice say 'this is a deal breaker for me' that day.

Even plucked up courage to say to ex - I can't believe you were willing to let the cat suffer like that for your own convenience. Cue whine, snivel, not my place to etc etc etc

Still took me another year after that to end things (with the able assistance of MN, so glad I discovered this place)

BibiBlocksberg · 27/07/2011 16:43

God, the whole scan, chip paragraph doesn't make much sense, sorry - bottom line I was terrified of being found out as the fraud I was.

Wisedupwoman · 27/07/2011 19:31

When he told me I was only uptight because he wouldn't fuck me.

There are some real charmers out there aren't there!

zookeeper · 27/07/2011 19:38

When having got three children under five and myself up, dressed, washed fed and delivered to their respective nurseries, childminders and schools I drove past our local park to see my dp sitting on a bench drinking a can of special brew. At 9am.

Gay40 · 27/07/2011 19:58

When she suggested I spend Christmas with my best friend, so that she could spend Christmas with hers. Well OK, till I found out they had put an offer in for a house. Together. As a couple

Now, 10 years later, I laugh my c*ck off as they split 18 months later, the house is in negative equity and they can't sell it, nor pay off the loan it cost to do up. I met DP, had a beautiful baby daughter and we are financially good.

peeriebear · 27/07/2011 20:25

I broke up with one boyfriend when he refused to stop drinking, even though he would wet the bed (even one can would make him do it, he had a medical problem but refused to get it looked at). He also continued to wear shoes that were a size too small and hurt his feet, just because they were new. I actually said "Why don't you just buy some in the right size?" and he looked at me like he'd honestly never thought of it.
He was a very strange guy in soooo many ways.

fattramp · 28/07/2011 14:50

zookeeper

Onemorning · 28/07/2011 20:07

Ex-husband. The second time he threatened me with a hammer. This time he was drunk, and I realised then it would never get any better. We separated a few months later and I have never looked back.

Ex-boyfriend. We went on a 'last ditch' weekend away to try and save our failing relationship. I'd tied him to the bed for fun and games, and realised I couldn't be arsed to have sex with him. I had a strong urge to leave him there and go down to the hotel bar. (I wish I had )

I'm now happily married (second anniversary on Monday) to a wonderful man.

zookeeper · 29/07/2011 01:02

thanks Fattramp; now, looking back I realise that all that stuff about alcoholics needing to hit rock bottom in order to change can just as equally apply to their partners and family. That incident was my rock bottom and gave me an absolute determination to finally end the relationship with no more second chances.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 29/07/2011 01:12

when we went away for the night 7 mths after ds was born, i'd organised it, paid for it, arranged everything so it was lovely for him and made such an effort to have a good time... woke up at 1am feeling utterly alone, and realised i was sleeping next to someone who didn't care whether i lived or died... and for some reason thought about the fact that he doesn;t have a pension, and did i want to spend my last yrs in poverty with someone who wouldn't ever be there for me.

i really should have had that moment a long time before... like when he walked out when i told him i was pregnant, when he mocked my religion and my love for my sister (who is dead), when i asked him in marriage councelling when will it be my turn, and he screamed 'never', when he left me in the gutter when i broke my ankle and blood everywhere, and waved a cab off who a passerby called for me to get to hospital...

so many many times, interesting that in the end it was nothing he's done in that moment, it came from inside me, not him...

fattramp · 29/07/2011 23:15

zookeeper, have things worked out happily for you? What became of your ex? Did he ever give up drinking?

DOublelife, like many of the tales her I am reading yours open mouthed and with a tear in my eye

zookeeper · 31/07/2011 18:34

yes, very, fattramp. Things had got so bad with my ex that however difficult being a lone parent was - and still can be - I have never regretted ending our relationship.

All this happened four years ago. Now the dcs see their father very regularly. He is a much better father than he was a dp. I suspect that he still drinks to excess but not whilst he is with them. He knows that if if he was drunk with them I would have to stop contact. I get loads of childfree time,have forged new and resumed old friendships and the dcs are happy and settled. They know they have two parents.

And I have a lovely new dp . He does not live with me but is a solid and, I hope, permanent fixture

I say all this not to be smug. My ex still can be a bit of a nob. I hope though that I can show someone that there is light at the end of the very dark tunnel that a bad relationship can become.

zookeeper · 31/07/2011 18:35

yes, very, fattramp. Things had got so bad with my ex that however difficult being a lone parent was - and still can be - I have never regretted ending our relationship.

And I have a lovely new dp . He does not live with me but is a solid and, I hope, permanent fixture

I say all this not to be smug. My ex still can be a bit of a nob. I hope though that I can show someone that there is light at the end of the very dark tunnel that a bad relationship can become.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2011 18:51

when he cried like a baby after being caught cheating for the umpteenth time

I just thought "you pathetic idiot" and "what the hell am I still listening to this crap for ?"

a very dramatic lightbulb moment, a switch literally flicked over in my head

I walked away and left him blubbing on the spot, never spoke to him again (no dc with him, thank fuck)

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 31/07/2011 20:18

Like many others, it was a series of events rather than one defining moment.

He hardly helped with our first child

After having our second children (twins) I had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to internal bleeding. He video-taped me inching along the hospital corridor 2 days after the op and was in hysterics saying "you're walking like a snail"

He never helped feed the twins, even at night, after my hysterectomy. I had to get up, bottle feed one whilst sticking my foot out of the bed and rocking the moses basket to keep the other twin "happy" until I was free to feed him.

Yep, we never recovered from that one.

We muddled on for about another 2 years but we were dead in the water well before then.

BertieBotts · 31/07/2011 20:27

When I was throwing up and all he could say was "You've given yourself food poisoning, then, and probably DS too. Thanks." Didn't even ask if I was okay :(

Should have been when he punched the wall and smashed the ring I gave him though, when he was "trying" not to punch his friend I tried to calm him down by talking to him, thinking I was so special to be the only one who could, and he looked straight through me and started ranting some more. I was six months pregnant and completely stupid. I wish I'd had mumsnet then!

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 31/07/2011 20:44

Ohhhhhh, just thought of the absolute FINAL nail in the coffin. After I'd chucked the hubby out, I was wrestling with the idea of taking him back. Breaking up a 12 year marriage, 3 kids involved etc.....Had I done the right thing????

One of the twins had been ill, for months, on and off. He was admitted to hospital (again). We were told he was very poorly and would be having a lumbar puncture to find out what was wrong once and for all.

He promised our son he would be there when he woke up from the anaesthetic.

He wasn't. He went to work instead.

I was told (alone) that our son had Leukaemia.

What a twat!

orangehead · 31/07/2011 20:55

Not sure if this counts but we had spilt up again, well he walked out. But as usual the very next day he was saying he might want come back and he still loved me blah blah but something didnt feel right. We decided to go out for a drink to talk and sort things out. This meant me arranging my mum to babysit, timing bf so hopefully that would be ok and expressing incase ds2 needed a feed. Going out to buy new pair of jeans as I was 4 weeks after giving birth and felt pretty rubbish about myself physically. Trying to doll myself up whilst looking after newborn and toddler. So basically I put in alot of effort. Half an hour before he was supposed to pick me up he rang to say could he pick me up 2 hours later then planned. I said not really as had carefully timied ds2 feeds so hopefully wont miss one and asked why. He said ok will be there in half an hour and will explain when he got there.
We drove to pub, quiet country one and he said he could only give me half an hour as he had to drop back at work to sort some things out, this was 7.30 on a friday night. This really upset me as his work always come first, his friends socialising and drinking came second and me and the kids maybe came next if he had any time or energy left. I sat in the pub finding it hard to fight back the tears and he didnt even seem to care. It was then I realised he wouldn't change and I actually didnt want him back. So I said I think its best if I go and I left.
10 mins later he pulled up in the car aside me on the country lane and told me to get in. I said you only want me to get in as it you dont think its safe for me to walk alone on a quiet country road and not because you want me. He just looked blankly at me. I said 'if you want me you need to fight for me', tbh I didn't want a big dramatic thing something small would of done. He just said 'you know Im not that sort of guy' and drove off. That was the end of my 7 year marriage.
I then found out he had exactly been having an affair and just couldnt decide which one of us. However he still to this day, years later, claims it was me who ended the marriage even though he had walked out

orangehead · 31/07/2011 20:57

oh Tales, how is your son now?
Sorry mine a bit long winded, but felt good to get it down

mankymummymoo · 31/07/2011 21:03

well mine was an almost final then a definate final...

almost final... when he left me in the hospital alone not knowing if DS was going to be born that night v. v. prematurely because he could feel a hangover coming on !

final... when he was so pissed he nearly dropped our tiny 5 day old baby cos he was so drunk.

although now we get on ok and he has (eventually) turned out to be a not too bad dad.

mankymummymoo · 31/07/2011 21:04

when he was pissed.... cos he was drunk ?????

sorry, that was terrible writing!

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 31/07/2011 21:06

orangehead, you sound well rid of him!

My son is ok. Done 2 years chemo, 1 year to go. Then it's checkups for the rest of his life but his prognosis is good

orangehead · 31/07/2011 21:35

Thats good tales. Sounds like we all well rid.

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