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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband had affair and is now living with his "girlfriend"

42 replies

sammietee79 · 19/03/2010 21:11

i just needed some support from anyone who has experienced this. My husband and I have been married nearly 3 years, have a beautiful 19month old girl and just before Xmas I found out he was having an affair with a colleague from his work. We split up and I was devastated. Then in January he begged to come home, he had made a terrible mistake etc only one snag - she was pregnant. He was convinced she would have a termination, he says he didnt want her baby. I agreed I would support him and then found out he had slept with her again. I took him back one last time as he claimed she was lying. She suffered a miscarriage and kept in contact with my husband for emotional support! he moved back in telling me how much he loved me and describing his affair with this girl who he painted a very horrible picture of. Anyway two weeks ago I found out he had slept with her again and I kicked him out. His mother doesn't want him so he has now moved in with this girl. I spotted them together today booking a holiday for them! He hasnt paid me a penny for our daughter, he stopped paying any bills including the mortgage in December and Im working full time trying to cope with everything on my own. I hate the thought that he is living with her having a great time and going on a nice holiday when i am so down and struggling to cope. Can anyone suggest how I start to get over this! Any advice is welcome.

OP posts:

moviegirl · 19/03/2010 21:14

large glass of wine
some legal advice and lots of support from friends like all of us on here

i would have to say you are not going to cope for a long time

your darling baby will be the one and only thing that keeps you going.

He is a coward and not worthy of you. Men want it all. They NEVER EVER grow up where as women have to and do.

So so sorry. my prayers and thoughts are with you darling

smallorange · 19/03/2010 21:14

I have no experience but there are plenty of people who will give great advice.

Well done for keeping it all together.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/03/2010 21:15

Consult a solicitor, find out your rights and your legal position WRT benefits, maintenance etc - he can't, legally, just abandon you and his DD with no money. But accept once and for all that the marriage is over, do NOT consider taking him back - equally, don't let him tell you that it can all be sorted out amicably. It can't.
Finally, good luck for the future, it must be horrible right now but it will get better, you will be able to build a good life for yourself and your DD.

ginnny · 19/03/2010 21:18

I'm so sorry.
All I can suggest is go to CAB or see a solicitor to make sure he pays you maintenance and sees your dd.
Also, concentrate on yourself and your dd and take it one day at a time.
Hope you have lots of RL support from friends and family.
He is an arse and doesn't deserve you and she has ended up with a cheating shitbag.

lucylue · 19/03/2010 21:18

sorry for your situation sammietee79
does he want contact with your child?
does he want to pay maintenance for him?
and other financial obligations?
i think you have to talk all these with him.
if he doesnt you may go to the route of csa and tell him about that.

templemaiden · 20/03/2010 09:00

File for divorce and get the CSA onto him. Organise a babysitter, go out with mates and have a good time.

teaandcakeplease · 20/03/2010 09:07

Yeah file for divorce lovely. He's sounds like an AR*EHOLE! You deserve better and will find someone who loves you and your LO.

Call CSA and check if you're eligible for tax credits too, as you probably are.

You could try marriage counseling but it seems that he has already chosen her over you. So its best to protect yourself by divorcing him for many many reasons, financially, visiting hours etc.

It all helps x

teaandcakeplease · 20/03/2010 09:09

Read this book too. Its been very helpful for me since my husband had an affair too.

There's good support groups on mumsnet for the recently ditched too.

MaggieMuggins · 20/03/2010 16:25

What an utter bastard! So sorry you are going through this. Not much else to say except echo the advice to get legal advice - are you in a union at work? They usually have a free consultation with a solicitor service.

Do you have any sort of relationship with his family? Can you contact them for help trying to get him to do his duty? A friend of mine's BF was being really difficult over money but she told his told who was livid and made him pay what he owed.

Best of luck.

coldtits · 20/03/2010 16:28

kick him in the wallet.

dizzydixies · 20/03/2010 16:30

coldtits - great advice

expatinscotland · 20/03/2010 16:33

I wouldn't want my daughter to have to go over to his house with his girlfriend there.

So I'd cut him completely out of your lives.

He's a dicksmack.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2010 16:53

Expat: the man is the DD's father. Nothing the OP has said suggests that he is violent, or an alcoholic or drug addict or in any other way a danger to his DD. And in fact the OP cannot legally cut this man out of his DD's life because he has left one partner for another.
Yes he has treated the OP badly and she needs a good solicitor on her side, but refusing access/contact with someone's child to punish them for ending a relationship is a bad thing to do.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 20/03/2010 17:01

Look at these websites...

CSA

See what you are entitled to

And then go to your local CAB office and ask them for local solicitors that offer free 30 min consultations.

He wants his cake and eat it - show him he can't.

Ivykaty44 · 20/03/2010 17:09

Preety has given you some good practil website to look at and make sure you and your dd are getting what you should.

Also don't forget to get onto the District council asap to notify them you are the only adult living inthe hosue and they will give you a 25% reduction

I would ask your ex if if would like to start a direct debit into you account for the 15% required, you can then at least say you have asked before you get the CSA involved - personelly they are a nightmare for both saides and both of you should avoid them if possible for your own sanity

I think you know in your heart you will never trust him after this - only you can decide if you want to greive for what could have been and then move on with your life....

Good luck to you and do see if you can reduce yur hours - if possible to give yourslef some time.

Set up access for your dp - it is the best thing so she has a relationship with her father and also you get regular time for yourself to get on with your life and a new positive yone. A lot go for everyother weekend friday till sunday - this often works well and gives you some tme eventually to go out with g/f or watch a movie in peice.

HappyWoman · 20/03/2010 17:20

I think it is totally unfair that you have to 'allow' his girlfiriend into your dd life.

It makes me so angry - I take real pride in bringing my children up the way i want to - i get a choice in who teaches them and who has contact with them pretty much all the time.
And especially when they are young, I think it is important to make sure they have a good moral base to start from.

We are expected to teach our children right from wrong and yet we are not allowed to 'exclude' certain people from their lives???? Just because he is her father he can bring anyone into her life as long as she is not put in any danger.

Sorry just makes me see red this one. Rant over

GypsyMoth · 20/03/2010 17:28

yes,but if op ever meets someone new,then would it be different?

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 20/03/2010 17:44

Get to the CAB and CSA he has a responsibility to pay for his daughters upkeep.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2010 18:06

Happywoman: So you would accept a life of celibacy or having to sneak around with any new partner you might meet? Relationships end: once you have sorted out the practicalities as fairly as possible, you have to get over it. (Please note I am using a generic 'you' here as am not aware of your particular back story) Otherwise, you are hurting yourself and (if you start restricting your DC's access to their other parent because you are still bitter and vindictive about being dumped and therefore jealous of new partners) you hurt your DC.

mathanxiety · 20/03/2010 18:22

Legal advice and fast. He has financial responsibilities. Sadly, he has a right to see his DD and looks like the gf will be a part of the DD's life (actually it looks as if there will be a string of gfs in and out of this little girl's life by the sound of her father's behaviour). Happywoman, it's not a fair situation; the child didn't pick her father, but she's stuck with him. Life is not fair.

Sammietee79, the fact that he badmouthed the gf to you when you took him back briefly means he has badmouthed you to the gf, by the way. You are well rid of this louse. Please do your utmost to draw a line under the relationship and move on with your life. But you must get the financial and legal details sorted.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2010 18:59

SGB, it sounds like he wants to drop off the radar, anyhow.

I'd be inclined to let him if I were financially able to.

LadyLapsang · 20/03/2010 18:59

I'm so sorry. Agree about the large glass of wine! What a cheek, no money for three months. Well done to you for working and holding things together but nip the no money from him straight away. Go and see a soliciter. If it were me, I would also speak to his parents (if you get on) what grandparent would want their son to treat their grandchild like this (the shame). Know my MIL said if her sons ever did that they would be disinherited and the money left the the grandchildren / DWs.

Has he told you why he has not given you money for your child and to maintain the home?

mathanxiety · 20/03/2010 19:01

There's not necessarily a quid pro quo involved with financial responsibility equalling visitation. You can have one without the other, afaik.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2010 19:51

Expat: Well, he's not legally allowed to do that, either, which is why I (and everyone else) suggest the OP seeks legal advice ASAP.

Original poster

sammietee79 · 20/03/2010 21:11

Thanks everyone. I have already started divorce proceedings and certainly intend to tell my solicitor about the lack of financial support. We had a private agreement which he has never kept so it is time for me to get the CSA involved. I have a wonderful relationship with his family my MIL looks after my DD two days a week and even she cant get through to him. I have never and will never stop him seeing his daughter - he is and always will be her father. he looks after her two nights a week. With regards to his gf I still maintain that she has no contact with my DD at the moment - obviously if it becomes a long term relationship and when my DD gets old enough to tell me what she has been doing then I don't anticipate a problem. i know I have to keep going for her sake but it is hard> Lovely to know people you dont even know want to offer support and advice. Thanks lovely people xx

OP posts:

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