My husband had affair and is now living with his "girlfriend"

[sammietee79]

i just needed some support from anyone who has experienced this. My husband and I have been married nearly 3 years, have a beautiful 19month old girl and just before Xmas I found out he was having an affair with a colleague from his work. We split up and I was devastated. Then in January he begged to come home, he had made a terrible mistake etc only one snag - she was pregnant. He was convinced she would have a termination, he says he didnt want her baby. I agreed I would support him and then found out he had slept with her again. I took him back one last time as he claimed she was lying. She suffered a miscarriage and kept in contact with my husband for emotional support! he moved back in telling me how much he loved me and describing his affair with this girl who he painted a very horrible picture of. Anyway two weeks ago I found out he had slept with her again and I kicked him out. His mother doesn't want him so he has now moved in with this girl. I spotted them together today booking a holiday for them! He hasnt paid me a penny for our daughter, he stopped paying any bills including the mortgage in December and Im working full time trying to cope with everything on my own. I hate the thought that he is living with her having a great time and going on a nice holiday when i am so down and struggling to cope. Can anyone suggest how I start to get over this! Any advice is welcome.

I made my ex agree to not introducing the gf until a year after the divorce became final.

SGB my husband was perfectly legally able to fuck off, disappear overnight, pay nothing for him or me as his 'spouse' ever again, and walk into the pants of as many prostitutes and Thai women as he likes without a backward glance.

What he has done is legal. He has done nothing illegal.

If he walked back into my town tomorrow, two years on, father of my son or not, I would not let him be within a nano second of his 'father'.

sammie, so sorry to hear you're going through all of this.

You sound very smart and switched on, as well as incredibly reasoned. Your DD is lucky to have such a wonderful Mum. Good luck

relationships end. Yes they do. And some fathers should never be entrusted with their offspring ever again.

Unlikelyamazonian - did you not take him to court?

I couldn't take him to court. How could I take him to court?

He had flown to Thailand. It was a friday afternoon and he drove up to Heathrow and got on a flight he had booked. In the morning he withdrew ten thousand quid on our overdraft over the counter at the local NatWest, after already transferring all our savings into his personal account online.

He had a bit of lunch on the way up to the airport (on our by-now empty account) dumped the car in Long Term parking, posted me the key with a one line note about which zone it was in, boarded the plane and has never come back. The CSA shut my 'case' as Thailand is beyond their jurisdiction.

And he has done nothing 'illegal' as I said.

I could do the same but hopefully and rightfully I would be banged up for child abandonment. Unless 'they' couldn't find me? I mean, 'they' (whio?? Police? Social Services? Credit agencies?) certainly aren't looking for him.

All so very easy. And Thailand is a very fascinating and warm country I hear.

Some men are bastards. This doesn't make them bad fathers. Abandonment of children does make them bad fathers, though.
Relationships end, time to move on. But this should not affect the relationship between fathers and their children.
New partners should never be introduced to children until the relationship is cemented somewhat, in my opinion.

I think you have survived the worst which is to confront the truth, now you know who he really is and what's he's capable of. Our children and the unique bond that we hold will give you the strenght and a focused mind to keep going and that is called love, responsability and adulthood none of your better of ex qualities. We the single full time mothers are with you and if it helps there's hope and a bright future for you and your darling daughter, keep strong focus loving and supportive she will give you all this back in return. Organise girls nights in or out, live and rediscover yourself there's a fantastic person in you ready to enjoy this new exciting chapter in your life!

Sorry Unlikelyamazonian - I had no idea obviously!

He wants it all his way and, so far, is getting it. Your head is in a spin and you're left in the lurch.

Large glass of wine indeed ....

Then deep breath.

You need to see a solicitor straight away and file for divorce, get WTC and CSA involved - solicitor should be able to help with all of that - just get the ball rolling. The important thing is to GET ACTIVE NOW - iow before HE does. The fact that he is still thinking with his dick gives you the advantage. So be proactive, make proposals to him (re arrangements for childcare, asset splitting, maintenance etc) that he won't even have thought of and call the shots. You'll get a deal that's good for YOU.

If you leave it too long, he will stop feeling guilty and you will have a bigger fight on your hands.

Good luck xx

UA: From what I remember of your story, your situation was unusual and you had some crappy legal advice. In this case the OP's X hasn't fled the country, so he is findable and she can set the CSA on his arse - and should do. Also, he is looking after his DD a couple of nights a week so clearly does not intend to abandon her though he is being selfish and unfair about money (hence the need to involve the CSA).

I think the contact with the child is out of pure selfishness, though. An unselfish man, an upright man would have been up front about what his intentions were, and would have thought about his financial responsibilities and made some effort to do things the right way and meet them. As things stand, he gets to spend a little while in the company of an adoring fan (the DD) two nights a week and doesn't have to spend a penny on her or on his wife who is left carrying the can. How lovely his life is, in love with a gf who hasn't yet seen through him, and playing the fond father part without taking any kind of a hit to the wallet. And his wife will have to hire a solicitor in all likelihood, and chase him down if she wants to go after what is hers and the DD's by rights. And believe me, when it comes to legal advice, you get what you pay for.

solid - no i dont think sneeking around is the answer. And actually this does not affect me as such at the moment. But may have done if my h affair had continued.

I have seen it with friends. They get 'left' with the dc - the father sees the children at weekends and yet he still seems to want to have new girlfriends as part of their life. the mother however limits when she has social life.

I just think it is unfair that as a mother IF her ex so wishes he can intoduce any female to the dc.

I agree with the concept of co-parenting but that is just it it has to be a team = its bloody hard enough to sing from the same hymn sheet when you are married let alone when you are obviously no suited as partners and have a very different outlook on life.

I just get cross when on one hand it is the 'parents' fault if children are unruly but when one parent wants to take that control (which i do firmly believe is required) they are unable to and are sometimes seen as unreasonable.

Happywoman - but when a man tries to control whether or not his XW introduces her new DP to the DC, he's painted as a jealous abuser (even though the risk, statistically, is higher that a new male partner will harm the DC than that a new female one will). When your partner has left you, you have the right to do your best to get financial support for the DC and share parenting, but you don't get a right of veto over your XP's sex life or the company s/he keeps, it;s no longer your business unless there is demonstrable risk to the DC (such as a new partner being violent, a criminal, or a substance abuser).

i know it does work both ways - its just that the woman i have known have not intoduced a new partner for a long time whereas many of the men have wanted to imediately. Thats just my experience.

And i know this is a generalisation but some (men) do seem to find it easier to leave their children. - and they do it in a horrible way, and then they expect to continue a normal life with their children.

I think that is why so many (woman) do put up with crap relationships because they do not want to leave (or disrupt) dc lives.

SGB, I was able to extract an agreement on the part of my ex not to introduce the GF to my DCs until one year after the divorce. It can be done -- course it works both ways for me and the ex. But the ex needed to have it explained to him why the DCs might have found it upsetting to have someone new hanging around ex; he was convinced that the only thing that mattered in the circumstances was that he 'could have all the people he loved around him' (and to heck with the upset DCs); he wanted his adoring fan club to bask in the glory of his personality every second weekend.

Why should man who clearly have no respect for anyone apart from their penises have any rights as a ''father''? Especially if their behaviour is damaging to their kids.

If they treat their kids respectfully then ok a relationship is deserved. I personally think that they should prove that they are not going to dick their kids around just like they dick everyone else around.