Is this an unreasonable way to think?

[partytime]

When my exH left me in October for OW, all the household bills, bank account and joint credit cards remained as before, i.e. him earning and me paying/dealing with it all. I have enough to carry on my life as before. ExH gets cash to pay for food etc. and uses credit card for clothes etc. He doesn't seem to spend much which is all fine and at present the arrangement works.
When the credit card bills arrive and I pay them, I always check what has been spent but this month there were hotel bills and flights. I told him I didn't want him spending on OW from our account, it made me feel that he was being insensitive, as if he were rubbing my nose in it. He just says how else is he supposed to pay for a holiday.
He has offered to get a new account for himself and credit card but as yet hasn't.
I am extremely jealous of his new life as mine seems to be standing still, I am in limbo, I have lost him and OW has it all. They are going on holiday to places I would have loved to have gone to and having a social life that I never had with ExH.
It just makes me feel so angry and resentful.

YANBU - He should understand that rubbing your nose in his holidays is adding salt to the wound. Very insensitive man.

Cant she put it on her credit card?

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. It's a horrible insensitive thing to do. Is there any way you can sort these accounts out so you don't have to see this kind of hurtful thing again?

separate the accounts

do it today

This is why he said he would open a new account, he claims to understand how I feel, but how can he, all in his life is "rosy"
I am in turmoil all the time and desperately unhappy.
But part of me doesn't want to relinquish control on the finances as I know I can then get what I want when I want. I don't have to ask him.

At some point you are not going to be able to keep the joint cards and account anyway, so while I understand your thinking, you are best off getting your own accounts sorted, setting up standing orders from the joint account into your own account and paying things out of that instead (or anything that goes out on DD/SO from the joint acct can be left there, you won't have to deal with it).

Your H does have a point - if all his wages are going into that acct, how is he supposed to pay for it? But he is being wildly insensitive and he should have already sorted out separate accounts for himself.

TW I agree, he needs to sort it out but he hasn't done anything else for that matter either. I have put the house up for sale, I have got a solicitor, he hasn't. I am driving the legal process, he just up and left. So I am coping with the loss, betrayal, DC's, house, job, all of it, he is living his life with no responsibilities.

I get the feeling that he thinks that as long as he earns enough to pay the bills and we have a home then we are OK.

He's just assuaging his guilt with money, so that he feels better about himself and his completely wankerish behaviour. Perhaps he thinks he's having some kind of dream holiday away from responsibility and that he can choose to come back at some point, so why change anything because he'll just be able to waltz back in if he feels like it and everything would go back as before, wouldn't it?

Just speculating though - sometimes when men are completely non-active about separating completely from their W it is because they are leaving their options open (in their eyes) - sometimes it is just because they don't like facing up to the harsher things in life.

This needs sorting out pronto. You should have completely separate finances at this stage and he should be paying you child maintenance.

Then whatever he spends the rest of his money on is entirely his business - not yours.

This must be so hard fo you, the feeling of being left with all the responsibility made me quite bitter.

I would email him a list of things that you require him to do. Anything which you feel that he should take on and treat it with quite a business like approach.

That way you're not imploring him or trying to deal with emotions.

If he doesn't do it email him again, explain you are not his personal assistant

Don't let the bastard get you down

do you have children ?

His unwillingness or inability to participate in any of the legal aspects in our separation really baffles me. I do think he feels guilt about his actions and the emotional state he has left me in, he says he cannot cope with it. I think he is cowardly by not acting and sorting out the mess he has made. I think he sees it as the easiest way is to leave things as they are as it "works"
A few people have suggested he is leaving things as they are, to leave the door open, in case it goes wrong for him, but I know he will never change his mind, he is totally obsessed with OW. The main reason I believe this is because they had been having their affair for 3 years before I found out and all that has changed for him since me finding out is that he lives there not here. He has had a long time to get used to the idea of living with someone else and everything at home is the same.

Well you need to separate the accounts, because the fact is that he is in a relationship with this woman now and he is going to be spending money on things related to her. Once the accounts are separated you won't be able to see his outgoings so you won't be so hurt by it. I can understand it is hurtful to see the details, but I do see his point, i.e. how else is he supposed to pay for things?

PrettyWG - I have 2DCs.
I need to get him to sort it all out, I have e-mailed him today about something else and asked him about the accounts.

All the while you have a joint account you are still connected to each other. This feels better than no connection at all, doesn't it? He hasn't cut you off entirely, so there's still hope for the two of you... Is that the way you look at it?

I understand he needs money to live and why shouldn't he have a holiday, I am having one with DC's at easter. I just feel it is so unfair, his new life, him having someone to share it with, my life on hold while I sort out his mess.

I know there is no hope, I don't think he will return. I am the one who has made the decision to move away. I need to move on with my life. He is the one who wants to remain friends!!!

You're brave to agree to that PT. Especially as being his friend means you get to see all the details of his holidays with OW on the bank statements etc. That's a lot to ask of you.

I know in your situation, I would have separated everything. I couldn't stop XH leaving or loving someone else, but I could prevent myself the pain of knowing all the details. I would think very hard about YOUR needs now.

I find it very odd that you're still running the finances as a couple. Evidently he's not exactly bursting with practicality, so how about taking the opportunity to do it (fairly) for him? He is free to go on holiday, and as you still run his banking, you're stuck with knowing how much it costs. Please de-tangle your finances straight away!

Just got in.
Thanks for the advice. I have decided to list the household outgoings. Then try and estimate my personal monthly spend, plus the DC's. I will present it to him and see what reaction I get. Until we have a formal legal agreement, I think that is all I can do. But I have a concern, if he knows how much I spend now and we have no legal agreement yet, will he argue how much maintenance to give me? I feel at the moment I have a good deal.

Just a thought, once you untangle the finances and make proper longer term arrangements you may find his expenses increase. If you push for a formal arrangement you may find you get less money. Not saying don't do it, after all you have to do it some time, but have you spoken to the solicter about what they think your entitlement will be; if so, how does that compare with what you spend now?

at the moment you do. but at the moment your xh has so much control.
i know it's probably very far from how you feel right now, but later when you are no longer pining for him, and no longer want to be 'friends' he will have the power to withdraw his financial support at the drop of a hat.
i can't give you the best advice about moving on emotionally etc, but i can say that by taking control of your life and your family's finances you will be doing yourself a huge favour.
if you're reading this, you're already online. check out bank accounts and get the ball rolling

LL - we are in the process of that discussion with solicitor now. I am awaiting a letter detailing this.
Maristella - I know what you say is right, I am trying to sort out things for myself, I have no choice, I have been left high and dry. Will be more proactive, starting Monday.

You need to separate your accounts and get things on a proper legal footing as soon as possible. He may well be trying to be fair at present, or he may just be basically lazy - either way, if you have a joint account with him, there is nothing really stopping him from cleaning it out and disappearing.
Also, you are perfectly entitled to tell him politely that you want some distance from him and would prefer to keep communications between you to just about business/access to DC. While it's good to keep things civil and amicable when a relationship ends, if one partner didn't want the relationship to end, it's not a good idea to be bezzie mates straight away as the departing partner gets to stroke his/her ego or maybe soothe his/her conscience, while the dumped partner gets to cling on to false hopes that the relationship might resume again. Polite distance is what you want right now.

SGB you are so right-space is what I need and I am desperately trying to make some. My counsellor uses the analogy of me being on a piece of string that he keeps reeling in when it suits. He still wants his cake... etc as that is what he was having for the 3 years he was carrying on behind my back.