Sitting under a bridge, combing my toenails ...

[ItsGraceAgain]

I was just thinking I've spent way too long in this forum today (again) but wish I could read ALL the threads! Then I thought, heh, I'd love to just post replies based on the titles. Then I thought: That's what trolls do, innit?

So - with apologies to the OPs -

(If it doesn't hurt people's feelings, I'd love to see some more one-liners!)

"am i just being selfish" - Probably not, but you may have to compromise a bit.

"14 years" - Ooh, that's longer than most marriages last.

"OK - so what do you think about this - am I being a complete doormat here" - Yes, you are! He should compromise a bit.

"More advice please" - I'm so sorry this isn't working out for you. Eat spinach, it'll make you strong enough to kick him out.

"A question for Dittany" - I can't answer it, but am dying to see Dittany's reply

"Any suggestions on how to 'manage' my mother" - Treat her just as you would treat any other middle-aged woman. Next!

"Lying Husband - am I kidding myself to think he'll change?" - Yes. Next!

"Am I totally spineless (& naive)??" - Probably. You may have to compromise a bit.

"How can I help from a distance?" - Skype.

"Help me help my friend" - You cannot make a blind wo/man see. But try to validate her experiences.

"i have had enough....." - About time, too! Well done.

"controlling over money.." - Many people confuse money with love. You may have to compromise a bit (or kick him out.)

"Is my marriage over?" - Probably. Sorry. Have a stiff drink and a large Galaxy.

"How do you accept that you won't get an answer to all your questions when you split?" - There is no such thing as 'closure', unless you're talking about the plastic wire you twist round a sandwich bag. Have a stiff drink and a large Galaxy, then take up a hobby.

"Husband has told me about a temptation..." - You sound rather insecure. Have an aromatherapy massage, then sign up for a confidence course.

Ooooh galalxy. I like you. I will take that as the answer you would give for any of my posts

That is brilliant lol.
You are very funny.............and I bet most of us have done that in our heads before putting our proper voices on lol

Heh, thank you, FTBA!
Sending you spinach, a stiff drink and a large Galaxy ... (best not to have them all together)

Am a bit of a lurker but this made me laugh out LOUD! THIS is why I like MN - funny women!

Oh crap, didn't mean the OPs but this particular message. Off to lurk and trip over my toenails...

< Off to lurk and trip over my toenails... >
ROFL!

Grace, brilliant, I do this, shouting at the titles!

Oh and welcome ESP! You are GREAT!!

"Childish......but not sure what to do" - Finish your homework and go to bed early. No DVD for you tonight!

"Mid Life Crisis" - There is no such thing. Sorry. Make sure all your bank accounts require your signature, then book yourself a very long holiday at an exotic spa resort. Have an affair with the pool boy, it'll shore you up for future developments.

"Nice things" - Aaahh, that's lovely Lucky you! And you! And you ... you ... and you. Come back when you've got a problem - please; it'll make me feel better [unwraps large Galaxy, pours gin]

"How long would you expect before he tries to take things further?" - Not this long, obviously. Would you like some of my Galaxy?

"I need to talk to him but I'm scared he won't listen" - You're married to a deaf bully. Join other poster on spa holiday, above. Marry the pool boy.

"Is it always better to stay together for the sake of the kids?" - No. Next!

"Is honesty best here?" - No. Next!

"Please recommend a self help book to save my marriage!" - Oh dear. I suggest you look in the Divorce section.

"Counting, Whenwill, Happy, AF and all of you?" - How the hell did you manage to get 29 replies from 4 people? Is this an exclusive Mumsnet lesbian swingers club? Where's my spinach?

"Anyone else have an Aspergers DH? How do you cope? Tips please!!!" - Get him obsessed with swimming pool technology. He will build a pool. Hire someone to look after it. While DH is disassembling, reassembling and re-inventing your new pool filtration system, have affair with pool boy. Hide the Galaxy: DH won't notice your affair but I bet he counts how many squares were left on the chocolate.

"anyone else feel trapped and want out?" - Yes. Next!

"Why don't I feel better?" - You're suffering from gin and chocolate deficiency.

"So boring..........." - Which is why I didn't read your thread. Have you tried spinach? A new sex toy? Gin & tonic?

"Is it me, or him?" - It's probably him. Sorry. Have a large Galaxy.

"Would you tell the bride?" - Probably not. Next!

"What is the reason for this kind of jealousy?" - Insanity. Run away. Invite all your girl friends round for a gin & Galaxy fest, where you may laugh uncontrollably about his very tiny willy. Next!

(Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible)

Hide the Galaxy: DH won't notice your affair but I bet he counts how many squares were left on the chocolate.

unfortunately that is so true in some cases .

anymore catch your eye? or are we just having a unique day?

Grace I think you've had enough gin now!

True enough, Lemony! However did you guess?

"could it be you?" I very much doubt it, I don't even understand the op.

"A poster called Shiney once cried..." Enough of all this healthy stuff, just eat the chocolate.

"Am I being unreasonable to have traumatised this lady in boots?" No of course you weren't, but you knew that anyway otherwise you wouldn't have posted

"so the man who's come to chop down the hedge has just broken my window" Time for the gin

"Considering buying two guinea pigs" Chocolate tastes better than guineapig, they can be a bit chewy sometimes. Gin may come in useful as a sedative.

"can anyone give me inspiration for something creative my ds (3) can make for his grandpa's 60th birthday?" Whiskey (and he can scribble on the bottle's label)

"Chest infection - should it take this long to clear?" Hot toddy anyoone?

"Smarties Easter Eggs contain BUGS" And ... your child has probably eaten 3 bugs from the garden this morning already. Have another G&T

"I've got a sensitive cervix" body paint chocolate may work better

"Going private doesn't 'help' the NHS or state education??" But at least you'll be served Pimms at the school fair.

"To drive from London to Scotland with a 17 month old?" Large sized bar of galaxy and gin in the baby's bottle bottle for when that fails.

"What is "Middle Class" ?" Eating galaxy rather than Nestle.

"Can you eat and drink during labour?" Yes, but probably best to save the champagne til after the midwives have gone.

LOL!
Thanks for that, Wombles! Particuarly impressed by the baby's bottle

Laughing my head off here.

"AM I being ureasonable??" Yes, for fuck's sake. That's why you're here , isn't it??

"Tea Room the 14th" (of which, by the way, I am a member) - holy crap, what do you people find to talk about for fourteen threads??? Obviously too exclusive a club for anyone else to join

"Is this normal?" Probably not, if you have to ask.

"BBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR" - "yes!!!!!!! Make mine a bucket of Chardonnay please.

This is possibly my favourite thread ever.

Can you tell if your DH is having, or is about to have, an affair? - Is he away shagging other women a lot? That's always a sign.

What is amazing sex to you? Being married? - no, amazing sex to me is when I get to be all sweaty with a gorgeous man, and also orgasms are involved. Being married, whilst not excluded, is not the answer.

Please help me let go - done.

(disclaimer - I have only read one of the three threads above)

"Funny toe nails" (in Children's Health) - yes, they make me laugh too...

"I'm sabotaging my life and don't know how to break out of it" - have some wine and shout "STOP!!". If that doesn't work, have more wine and shout louder.

"I FINISHED an eye pencil today - a first" Wow, for sheer trivia, that's hard to beat.

"How do I deal with people's negative comments about ELCS?" You tell them to fuck right off, love, that's what you do.

"AIBU to have traumatised this lady in boots?" No, YANBU. Ladies in boots deserve to be traumatised.
Having said that, I just read the thread and it's great... but the title should actually have specified Boots, as in, the chemist.
In that case, I'd have said, "YABU - you should have waited until she left the store".

Oh no, I appear to have murdered another thread!!! What is wrong with me???

Should i always let my 5 yo win games? Dont let anyone one win, beat fairly, pass the galaxy. They will get over it.
Next...

Jacksmama:
"What is wrong with me???" - You're too damn funny!!

Einstein:

Who knew there was so much comic genius here? Can't wait to see what happens next ... < pours G&T, sits back with feet up >