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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i have had enough.....

31 replies

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 11:21

Please someone tell me what to do... My dh and I have been togther for 10 years and have 2 dds. I tend to go through periods of 'I cant do this anymore' I would blame it on his behaviour, he would say he will improve etc. The last one of these was about 6 months ago. Since then he really has improved and is making an effort to help out more etc. the thing is that i feel that it is just too late. he loves me and the dds and they love him. But i don't love him. I don't want him to be anywhere near me most of the time. I really don't want to upset anyone but i also feel that i don't want to live with any regrets. when i picture myself wih him in 20 years it just makes me feel depressed. I have asked him to go to relate andhe has said yes but i am not sure my heart is in it. WWYD? thanks for reading and sorry if this makes no sense.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 11:25

if you dont love him anymore then i think he will know that deep down,so prob wont come as a great surprise to him

your dd's dont want an unhappy mum,and they will pick up on things too....dont give them the example being unhappy but keeping family together,co they wont thank you for it years down the line

i would leave...in fact i did. life is very,very short....

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 11:30

thank you. that is my gut instinct at the moment. we have been here before and survived but i am just not happy and haven't been for years. i just don't know if i have the strength for the fight...

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StepSideways · 18/03/2010 11:34

Although I do feel for DH as he has reformed, you only have one life, as does he, and so long as it won't destroy their's perhaps you should leave so you can both find someone who you will be happy with for the remainder of it, would DH cope ok with DC without you?

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 11:38

obviously the dc would come with me. would never leave them. but dh could see them as much as he wanted. he doesn't spend much time with them presently so they would probably see him as much as ever and i am sure he could cope with them the days that he would hve them. if he every has them by himself now he takes them to his parents so he would prbably do that anyway.

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GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 11:41

its like a weight lifted off your shoulders,because right now you feel responsible for his happiness too....i know,have been there,but you really shouldnt struggle on if the love has gone.....its deceiving everyone really.

maybe you'll make better co parents? have you thought of the practicalities here?

HappyWoman · 18/03/2010 11:48

Do you know what it is that is making you unhappy?
It sounds a bit as if you dont really know. You asked your dh to change - which he has and yet it still has not made you happy.

I wonder if it is not him but you?

What can you do to change the way YOU feel. Leaving him of course will give you the change at first but think about how you will feel if say he moves on and is happy with a new woman, he wins the lottery, or becomes ill??

Although i understand that life is short i also feel that you are not really sure what it is you want or how to go about getting it.

I would suggest working on yourself - make yourself happy first and then you would be in a better place if you still decide that your marriage is not what you want.

Good luck

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 11:51

Thank you. Not sure about practicalities. Won't be able to afford two house holds so i will have to move back to parents( not far away, big house, dds love it theere) and then as far as i can see life would carry on pretty much normally.... or am i living in dreamland? obviously i know there would be massive upheaval

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MadameDefarge · 18/03/2010 11:54

I would still go to relate. It's not all about getting marriages on track, it can also be a place where you really do make up your mind what you want, and can make separation easier.

Niftyblue · 18/03/2010 11:55

Try relate it could help you make sense of what is going on and why you feel like you do

(hugs)

HappyWoman · 18/03/2010 11:56

what is it you 'cant do anymore'?
look after the dc alone? Run the house alone? support the family alone?
being on your own would not solve any of these issues you know.

You can have a life - or at least start to make a life whilst staying married.

What are the things you would do if you were to leave? Make a list of the things you think you are 'missing' by staying married and i bet you could find a way of doing them whilst staying married (unless you one of these people who needs a man to make them happy - in which case the problem is yours).

I am not saying you should stay married if it is making you miserable but i have many friends who have left 'ok' marriages and regretted it later.

FrazzledDad · 18/03/2010 12:01

I would not dismiss relate (or similar) for two reason:

It does not have to be about getting back together - they helped my and my ex go through a very amicable separation
They helped a good friend of mine come back from the brink of separation. His DW wanted to leave and he was 95% certain his marriage was over. He was a good loyal and involved husband/dad but what ever he did, it didn't improve the failing relationship with his wife. They went to relate and over time helped his DW unearth and overcome some issues she had. They are together 8 years on an doing better than ever.

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 12:10

thank you for your posts. I will go to relate because i do believe that it will help sort my head out. I do not rely on my husband for my happiness. i have started to get my life on track to make myself happy and most of time i am . but when i am with him i do not want to be and that is no way to live. I do not know what i will be able to do if we seperate that i cannot do now except ( and i hate to sound too american therapy here) ' be true to myself' I am aware of the danger of leaving an ok marriage which is why i have stayed until now.....

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GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 12:10

But if the love has gone??? You have to want to get it back.... Do you?

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 12:16

Not really. But is that enough to upset 3 lives?

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HappyWoman · 18/03/2010 12:18

good luck - i am sure relate will help you sort of these things.

I agree you do not have to stay if you are not happy. And yes you have to want the love back first.

Niftyblue · 18/03/2010 12:20

Thats why you need to go and get "relate" so you can make sense of it all

Go with a open mind ,be honest and see what happens
You can`t lose either way
1/ Bonus you work it out with your dh or
2/ you know why its not what you want anymore

FrazzledDad · 18/03/2010 12:32

Here here Niftyblue

skinnyhinny · 18/03/2010 13:30

Good god I don't belive this! Your situation is SO like my own. I've posted on here before and it has helped a bit but I can't believe I've actually found someone in exactly the same situation as me!!! Bless you I really feel for you. I lived with my H's moods and non physical aggression for 10 years and every so often I would break down and tell him how miserable it was making me. I couldn't bring myself to leave - kids too young, scared how he would react - so I stuck around getting more and more unhappy and living on eggshells (we've been married 14 yrs this year)

About a year ago he had an epiphany and has been nice as pie ever since. We went to relate about 6 months ago and have only just stopped going as it was opening up so many wounds and we were just going round in circles.

At relate I finally made him realise how destructive his behaviour had been. He thought we were going to make our marriage work but I knew we were going so that he could understand why we had got to where we were. It all came as quite a shock to him and now he blames himself for everything; wants to be the man he never was and make me happy like he should have done; loves me more than ever and desperately wants us to stay together and be happy.....I don't (I think)

It's all come a bit too late and when I imagine making it work and us finally being happy perhaps I just panic!!! I know I'm rambling but I just want to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through and am here to help if you need me toxxxx

HappyWoman · 18/03/2010 13:42

skinny
that is so sad - it sounds as if your h really has seen what he has done. How would you feel someone else getting him now though? Someone else getting all the benifits of his changed behaviour.

After my h affair we did counselling and i really did see a change in my h (because our marriage was what he wanted) It was if the 'old lovely' him was back and although it was hard to get over all the heartache he had caused i didnt want someone else to get my lovely dh.

It does take two to make it work - but even if there are times when you dont 'feel' the love (and lets face it we all have times like that) it can grow again, if you are willing. Its a bit like trusting yourself to enjoy the good times and not allow the bad behaviour to creep back in.

I now know i would never put up with the crap i did in the past and that is the biggest change in me - i am no longer scared to go alone if need be.

I think that is the best thing to know you can be alone if that is what you want.

skinnyhinny · 18/03/2010 14:13

Hi Happy - aw thanks! It's weird but I do feel his love and I love him too but I don't think in the 'right' way any more. I am actually starting to feel sorry for him and I just want to hug him and tell him it'll all be alright...but I can't. The sex has gone and I just don't feel that way about him any more which is another of the things that petitmaman says. I too would never put up with his crap again and he knows it but somehow I think he won't revert back to form. I really hope I can help her. Thanks for your advice, now lets see what we can do to help petitmaman....

Original poster

petitmaman · 18/03/2010 15:01

thanks everyone. skinny you are right. my husband really wants us to stay together and i don't. i think i just have to sit tight and wait for relate and see what comes out of that.

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skinnyhinny · 18/03/2010 15:44

Hi Make sure you both know what you both expect to get out of Relate. They are very very good as you have the opportunity to say things to your partner via the counsellor that you wouldn't dare say IRL to his face!! It is very weird as you feel strangely strengthened when you are in the room as you have a kind of referee and my H often respected that and would remain very calm.

Somehow though I wonder why you want to go to Relate? Do you want to save the marriage? I really don't remember why I wanted to go in the first place. I certainly can't remember if I wanted to save the marriage or not! I think it was because I wanted him to realise and take responsibility for the hurt he caused me for years. As a result he has now done that and it's almost had the opposite effect as he wants to make amends and I'm not sure if I really ever wanted him to do that!!! The thing is though that I still love him but only as a friend. I KNOW FOR SURE if I didn't love him it would be easy to leave. I keep waiting to stop loving him so then I can give him a real reason for leaving. If the love has gone, what is keeping you there?

MadameDefarge · 18/03/2010 22:51

Indeed, Skinny, though I would hesitate to say know what you want out of it...It is a therapeutic process, so is a journey in itself...to have set goals might impede quite unexpected developments or change...who knows, with a decent amount of sessions, a lot of crap, acknowledged and unacknowledged might surface, and dealing with it might reconnect them...or not. But the possibility is there.

skinnyhinny · 19/03/2010 15:09

Hi MD. Yes I know what you mean and i guess you are right. What I really meant was that H felt quite disillusioned and upset once he realised that my aims for therapy weren't the same as his. I guess we didn't discuss why we were going to therapy with each other and if we had then perhaps he wouldn't have had such a shock. The shock of realising that I wasn't trying to get the marriage back on track as my only reason for going was a bit of a bombshell for him. I would say now that Relate was great as I could finally say things to him but not great as it's taken us on a path that I cannot now resolve or deal with. But this thread isn't about me and I don't want to hijack it!!!! It's been a while since petitmaman has posted and I really want to know how she is...how are you? Have to resolved anything in your head? I really want to help you xxx

Original poster

petitmaman · 19/03/2010 16:58

thank you skinny. i am ok. got relatebooked for next weds and trying to put stuff to the back of my mind untilo then. I have told dh that i am not sure what will happen after relate but think he is sticking his head in the sand as usual. so what is your course of action now? just waiting?

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