i have had enough.....

[petitmaman]

Please someone tell me what to do... My dh and I have been togther for 10 years and have 2 dds. I tend to go through periods of 'I cant do this anymore' I would blame it on his behaviour, he would say he will improve etc. The last one of these was about 6 months ago. Since then he really has improved and is making an effort to help out more etc. the thing is that i feel that it is just too late. he loves me and the dds and they love him. But i don't love him. I don't want him to be anywhere near me most of the time. I really don't want to upset anyone but i also feel that i don't want to live with any regrets. when i picture myself wih him in 20 years it just makes me feel depressed. I have asked him to go to relate andhe has said yes but i am not sure my heart is in it. WWYD? thanks for reading and sorry if this makes no sense.

hi Nice to see you back! I think Relate could be good for you but only if you want the same things from it IMO. But I'm not an expert! I would say that Relate can help you break up amicably etc, work out your problems, give you a sounding board to tell him how you feel and vice versa in a neutral environment....many things. However maybe you should talk about what you both hope to get out of it first and then you are both going into it with open minds and eyes. Maybe you don't KNOW what you want to get out of it, I don't know. I DO however think that if you don't love him life is too short to stay with someone you don't love and perhaps not fair on him if he loves you. I'm not telling you to leave, just think about it. Personally for me, I DO love my H (but I haven't worked out quite HOW I love him - friend, lover? etc) but I know for sure that if I didn't love him I would leave. Only you can decide. Please keep in touch x

thanks. I just want to sort out how i feel and what is for the best. DH is going because I have asked him too. but I am hoping that it will at least open a path of communication

Hi. I think you are on the right track. Good luck. Keep posting on here as I'd like to know how you get on. Good luck xxx

I agree that Relate is a good way forward.

One thing that strikes me - your plan to move back to your parents and live in their big house with your dd's. and 'carry on with your life as before' sounds rather like moving backwards, not forwards.

I totally agree that if you really don't love your DH and can't regain the love, then a split is probably for the best. But there will come a point in life when you need to create your own life, and not rely on others to create a life for you. We are all untimately responsible for our own happiness. Just seems a bit like returning to your parents might be a way of escaping for the moment, but won't actually move you forward as an adult.

it is a good point violet. moving bask would not actually be my choice but if it did come to it that might be the best thing for my dds. but yes, absolutely, i do want my own like and part of me wonders whether this is part of what this whole thing is about...

An update if anyone is interested.....
We went to relate and it confirmed everything I thought. I am staying elsewhere for 2 weeks for 'thinking time' and this again has confirmed everything.... so I told (d)h today that I wanted to separate. I feel sad and very guilty but I also very very relieved if that makes sense? So there we go, it is out in the open. I feel like I have been honest for the first time in years.