Marriage Sabbatical anyone?

[Wonderpet]

I'm wondering what any of you think about the idea of leaving your hubby and kids for three months to do a creative project. Is it selfish if you set it up carefully? And doesn't time out mean you come back to the family feeling fulfilled and with more to give?

depends.

First thought would be that I would be pretty effed off if dh did this tbh, but given a clear idea of what the project was, why it was important to do it now etc, I could easily get on board and get enthusiastic.

Once children were school age though.

Personal view is that 'reentry' after a long period away from children can be vile. Friend who took 5 weeks away from her preschooler found settling down to ordinary life again miserable. and her daughter was v angry with her for a while - she is very pragmatic so managed it fine in the end, but it wasn't great initially.

It would depend on factors like how old the children are, and how able your DH is to deal with everything in your absence. Families do cope when one parent is away for that length of time - but I think it generally puts a lot of strain on the relationship as one partner has had to deal with everything with no practical help or emotional support from the other.

Personally, I'd have been worried that either they wouldn't cope well, and would resent me for it, or else that they'd cope just fine and not want me back....

Don't you think that there is one rule for men and another for women when it comes to sabbaticals?

Kind of. My friend who had 5 weeks away is with a man who works away quite a lot, though usually for not more than a month. I think he finds reentry quite hard too, but his reaction is to keep working away, rather than find ways to do it.

Certainly I can't imagine leaving ds for 3 months. Just not. I am the slackest mother imaginable about playing at other people's houses and sleepovers... ds can and will be out most afternoons, have a couple of sleepovers a week etc. But I've never spent more than 3 nights apart from him and can't imagine longer than a week tbh until he's about 16.

I thought you meant a "sabbatical" from the marriage itself!

Mike Bullen (scriptwriter of Cold Feet) asked his wife for one of these, and she told him that he could sling his hook for good!

I don't think there's different rules for men and women - if one partner has to be away because of work, then everyone has to cope with that. And, statistically, it's more likely to be the man working away from home than the woman.

But if a man wanted three months away just to do something because he "felt like it" then I don't think he has any more (or less) right to suggest/do that than a woman does.

Maybe more women would put up with it, but then lots of women seem to put up with men who do nothing round the house even when they are there, so presumably them being away for 3 months wouldn't increase their workload much?

Interesting. In theory I think it should be OK for either partner to go off and do a creative project, especially a woman who has practically raised her kids and run her home... but in practice I think it is very different. I'd go nuts if my hubby asked for the same thing yet I somehow feel entitled to it. Is that wrong?

You mean going away for 3 months and not seeing the kids or your husband?

I think that's something that someone can only decide based on their individual circumstances, with their kids and their husband.

I think it is more common (accepted?) for men to work away than for women, but that's because women are seen as the primary carers for the children so a woman going away is seen as going away from her children, whereas a man going away is seen as going away for work, iyswim.

I'd go nuts if my hubby asked for the same thing yet I somehow feel entitled to it. Is that wrong?

Yes.

Double standards.

Yes but he gets to go out to work every day. He does business trips and I never question that. I have run our house and raised our kids and now I want three months to do a very specific project. I think I deserve some time tom myself having been the linchpin of the family for so long.

I think if you would go nuts if your husband asked for the same thing, then you have to consider why you feel you'd be entitled to it. Do you feel that you've been doing the vast majority of the work all this time and have somehow "earned" a break while he hasn't? If so, then I think you need to re-balance things with him to stop you feeling that way, because it's not healthy for a relationship to feel one-sided in terms of the work you bring in to the family unit. The fact that you've been running the home and raising the children is valuable of course, but if your husband has been working fulltime outside the home to pay the bills then that has equal value, and you should each value and appreciate the different work that you each do.

Only once you recognise and appreciate each other will you be in a position to start suggesting 3-month projects without it being seen as being demanding or whingeing.

How old are your children?

My Mum had a midlife and left me at home with a live in childminder and part time Dad to go overseas for 16 weeks. Have never forgiven her and I was 14 at the time. It had a bad effect on me and caused future trust issues. Don't expect them to welcome you back with open arms.

"Yes but he gets to go out to work every day. He does business trips and I never question that"

..but isn't he doing this to earn money to support the family? It's not like he's going away to do something he really wants...it's work.

Wow. Getting to go out to work every day is not that great. Honest, I do it myself. There's times I'd love to not have to. And business trips. They're not great fun, for the most part.

You really resent him don't you?

Three months is a long time, for something you 'choose' to do, as opposed to a work-commitment. So while the period of absence would be the same, I'd query what it says about your commitment to your family/DH.

By all means, review your life, make more time for yourself. But clearing off for three months because you choose too, seems to indicate quite serious problems. Whether it's a man or a woman doing it.

I would so much rather do a creative project than go out to work every day

Actually, I did my own vanity thing for 4 years - I did a part time degree and stayed at home with the children while DH went out to work. But I was at home doing it, and my children were v small.

Sounds like an article for the paper next week.

Would you be away constantly? I'd assumed that's what you meant. Or are you talking about being away eg weekdays for 3 months? There's a big difference, I think.

I agree with Fab. Definite article fodder.

How about him getting a sabbatical to stay at home, while you go to work for 3 months? Probably hard to set up.

If he is earning the cash, then frankly I think you are the joint linchpins of the family. The family would be different without either one of you.

So general consensus seems to suggest that it is totally selfish to want time to yourself? I think it would do them all good to try and survive without me for a while. It would make us all appreciate each other more.

My ex did this. Went off ocean racing, part of his mid life crisis. Then went on to have an affair with a girl he met on the boat. We are divorced now

Wonderpet - did you actually read the replies before deciding that was the consensus? Because it's not how I read these replies at all.

I'd say the consensus is

i. you are probably "researching" an article
ii. having to be away for work is different from choosing to go away for your own pleasure
iii. parents who are away for long periods often then have problems re-integrating with their family

I want three months to finish a book I have been working on for three years and am never going to finish because I have four kids and no time. Its not paid work but it's not exactly an indulgence and I'd have to set it up with military precision before I went because my other half can not boil an egg.